KJay
Active member
I never thought I would be at this desperate point in my life. I had always been the one people look to for a laugh, silliness, advice, positivity, and love. Now that all my problems and issues have seem to have caught up with me, I can't seem to find anyone to listen to me or be there for me as support or a shoulder to cry on. I've never had good true friends... only selfish ones who only cared what I could do for them. They would put me down because of my ethnicity (1/2 black, 1/2 filipina) or because they feel bad about themselves. I am an only child raised by a single mom all my life. Since I was young, I was desperately lonely and had a bit of OCD where EVERYTHING needed a "friend" (all pairs of shoes HAD to be together, paired up pencils, dolls, towels, anything. Everything had to have a "friend"). My mom married a man 2 yrs ago who competes with me for her attention CONSTANTLY to the point where I can't even hang out with her ALONE without him throwing tantrums about why he can't join. He moved her 45 mins away from my apt so now i have less time with her. I haven't been able to keep a job because the last 3 jobs I had had men as my Bosses who disrespected me sexually or mentally, so I'd quit.
My mom gets frusterated with me because she isnt like me... she has thick skin and can keep moving forward. My problem is i dwell on my sadness and it just builds and builds. My family is selfish and don't see that 3 of my cousins have already attempted suicide and don't see the problem. I have been feeling desperately lonely for 8-9 yrs now, I'm only 26. I spend hours/days by myself in my car just people watching and listening to music... trying to hold back the urges of ramming my car head on into a wall.
My bf just broke up with me today because he feels my depression is adding on too much in his life and he "can't handle it". He threw in my face that he's "not my savior and can't save me" ... I never made it seem that way? I told him that I only RECENTLY told him what I've been feeling because I wanted him to be aware of what's going on inside of me. My mistake for letting anyone know what is going on in my brain. Now I feel it's easier to go because I don't have anyone holding me back. I feel pathetic even writing in to you all because it's like I'm reaching out for help, when really I'm just waiting for tmw when the gun shop is open.
What will you miss when you're gone? For me, my mom, music, food, laughing, and the beauties of nature.
My mom gets frusterated with me because she isnt like me... she has thick skin and can keep moving forward. My problem is i dwell on my sadness and it just builds and builds. My family is selfish and don't see that 3 of my cousins have already attempted suicide and don't see the problem. I have been feeling desperately lonely for 8-9 yrs now, I'm only 26. I spend hours/days by myself in my car just people watching and listening to music... trying to hold back the urges of ramming my car head on into a wall.
My bf just broke up with me today because he feels my depression is adding on too much in his life and he "can't handle it". He threw in my face that he's "not my savior and can't save me" ... I never made it seem that way? I told him that I only RECENTLY told him what I've been feeling because I wanted him to be aware of what's going on inside of me. My mistake for letting anyone know what is going on in my brain. Now I feel it's easier to go because I don't have anyone holding me back. I feel pathetic even writing in to you all because it's like I'm reaching out for help, when really I'm just waiting for tmw when the gun shop is open.
What will you miss when you're gone? For me, my mom, music, food, laughing, and the beauties of nature.
