I appreciate the feedback. I don't have this boxed quote system down yet, so bear with me.
< I was that way for many years, and felt isolated wherever I went so I stopped accepting any social gathering invitations there for a while. Until I got tired of this, realizing that I could contribute to people's lives, after I solved several major problems in my own life. I read several good books on socializing and dealing with people. >
I did something similar to you, long ago. When I was 28 I was so depressed, to the anguish level about myself. Shame - I hated who I was, hated my past, and my future I felt was following that pattern. I evaluated everything I disliked about myself, which wasn't hard, started a notebook to help organize my progress, and I started what I've called personal reform. I withdrew from everyone and everything, any friends I might have had I lost due to the withdraw. All my relationships were contaminated, I was not respected. I compensated by lying alot, and used facade personality to cope. I cleaned all that up, read books about communication, began living right and truthful...no matter what the consequences. I micromanaged my behavior, my thought life, everything and it took ten years. I focused on individual parts of my life and tweaked things. I changed the way I behaved, communicated, how I made decisions, everything. I had some role models I used as tools, (what would "john" do in this situation, what would he decide?) - and like a robot, I would willfully do things different. I created a formula (Will + personal faith + Purpose = power) Power is the ability to change things at your pleasure. After some time of doing this, I found myself gaining knowledge about how to fix other areas. And also discovered fixing a few things, fixed other things all on their own. A big network of changes, which gave me a life saying, "fix the within, and you fix the without." In short, I like where I ended up, I love it actually, but one thing that seems to be a pattern, I do not make close friends, or any friends for that matter. My job is cliquey, and I have a handful of people I talk to, but outside of my girlfriend who works with me, she's the only one who is actually a "friend." I remember telling myself long ago after becoming frustrated with social circles, that I was giving up and going it alone. I actually felt better after making that decision. It's much less frustrating.
<I suspect that you have not encountered people who care about what you truly care about. Then the older you get, just discussing the things we care about is not enough to sustain a friendship. Action is needed, and some active and genuine commitment. With age, there is a sharpened feeling of urgency due to precious time running out. I hope this makes sense?>
I have found plenty of people that I "could" care about but after you've been burned so many times, you become hardened, desensitized, and I keep everyone in a box: work people, program people, hmmmm, I had that group of friends I left last year, they were in a box. I basically keep the relationships in context of where they are, work people I only talk to and deal with at work, program....only talk and interact the couple times a month that program runs, and the get togethers, stayed in that place. I never invite people over for dinner, or to visit, or anything. Long ago when I made the effort, I was turned down so many times that I just assumed the answer was always going to be no. So I just quit with the invitations. When we have an occasional visitor, it's almost like an intrusion now. Weird because growing up, my parents always had people over for dinner, sometimes overnight, and growing up I remember thinking I would have a life like that. Nope.
<As i said before, i dont' know what the secret sauce is. What propels someone from acquaintance to friend. I do have some friends but i would love to have deeper friendships. But, it all seems pretty superficial. For the most part, others have big extended families around here. Parents, grandparents, spouses, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Most of the people around here graduated from the local HS. I am a transplant to this town. And, I no extended family. My parents are gone. My sibling lives several states away. I don't know any aunts, uncles, cousins.
I have joined things. Many things. And, it really just doesnt' seem to matter. People like me well enough when i serve a purpose. When i am useful to them to DO something for them. Other than that, they don't give a ****. And, even in church, i have tried, was heavily involved, but finally i just gave up. I know that i shouldn't give up in that regard but I did. I didn't give up on God. Just on the people. And, i can't really muster the energy to go to another church and try again.>
These are duplicates of my own experiences. Except the church part, I grew up in a religious family, I believe in God, intelligent design, etc etc. During personal reform, I focused on spirituality and walked away from religion. That piece was important, and I could really get off topic talking about it but I am where I am today, partly because of that choice. Spirituality and church I have found to be very different things as opposed to what I was brought up learning. You become spiritually fed in church, looking back I now see that environment as borderline abusive, controlling, and anything but spiritual. Cliques, judging, guilt and fear....all that undermines people trying to become strong. No offense to churchgoers, but I see that very much like any other social club now, and I don't fit in.
<I don't know you well, but there is possibility that you are not a difficult person. Personally, I get to hear other people say that I am a friendly, not saying that indeed I am or not, but that's what people say so it may be true. What I would think about, if I were in your situation, is that why there is a feeling of detachment and gap between me and other people in a social group. However, I wouldn't overthink it and once completed my thought process I would say I'm done with it and live my life by the understanding I've got from such self-analysis.>
I'd like to think I am an easy going person, easy to get along with. I don't know, I'm 50 and this pattern has followed me since childhood.
<What seems to matter in friendships is the perspective and what each sides want to receive from friendship. If there is a lot differences between you and others, it would be hard to get any satisfactory connection. I am aware my views, interests, concerns in life, consequently my personality were different from people that came to gatherings with me. I found most of the conversations either bringing people down or about stuff that didn't remotely interest me. No wonder I would feel left out among those people.>
Thus the reason's for boxes (see above). I do have common interests and connections and as long as the friendships stay in that context, and nothing personal develops, the relationship/s stay <good> - maybe safe and sound is a better way of putting it. Any deviance from the context of the relationship, ends up contaminating it and ending things. At least from what I've observed during the course of my life. The "boxes" are a coping mechanism, a life system that I use to keep whatever relationships I manage to have in my life, surviving. They are very conditional.
