When loneliness turns into compassion

[walkman]

Hello everybody How is everybody doing? I know, "what do you think you idiot!? not so well" may be your answer, but I wish every healing possibility for you. I'm a loner myself, and I feel like sharing something on it. I have lots to give and I'm sure I have lots to take from you people. I may sound stupid in being slightly positive in all this, but trust me I'm desparately lonely at times.

I came here for reasons, so obvious, that I feel I don't need to express it. I'm obviously here for the same reasons that you people are. Sitting in front of my computer in some remote room, forgotten and abandoned. Reading you people, in your various thoughts and sentiments, I felt as if all that you have written was me speaking to myself. It's amazing how one/similar we are when it comes to the feelings of loneliness. I am you, and you are me. It's not just an idea... it's a FACT for me. We may be different bodies and colors, but in our consciousness we are so one. And it also amazes me how we people have finally faced the fact of a deep strain of loneliness in our life. Some of you may be suffering more than others, some less, but we are all in the same boat. Infact a lot of us are quiet privileged, looking at some of the really hedious experiences people go through... like prisoners or abandoned children. Now, here are people who really have a good reason to end their lives... but some don't.

I have been feeling lonely, forlorn, friendless, empty and hopeless for a few years. Nothing's worked... career, partner, and I've feel like being reduced to some kind of senile, primitive, impoverished state. And I know I'm not that bad. However the reason I don't want to keep saying how and why I'm lonely is that I have learnt one thing: if you keep reiterating a problem, it only makes it more complicated. You have to see how your mind is playing games with you, which I agree is one thing too easy said than done, especially when one is in sheer misery. But life has not decided to make us victims of loneliness. Life is unfair, but it does not choose victims. It depends on us how we take it. Nor have we signed any contract with life, before we were born, to keep giving us happiness and fun and pleasure all the time. Life can be seriously dark and miserable, as most of us here know so well. One can see this darkness of life as the end, OR one can see it as a challenge, a mountain to be climed. Loneliness is the mountain of mountains... but it can be climbed. And to climb anything one needs to take that first crucial step. Who cares how big the mountain is... what is important is we take that first step that is POSSIBLE.

I'm not wanting to be some flower-worded, inspiring, good-guy consultant here. I too have come to a crisis in loneliness here. There was a time when suicide seemed such a real and 'rational' thing to do. But something kept me from it. Here's what I have done. I have stopped making it into a personal problem. For one, this forum and others has clearly put things in a great perspective for me. It's not just me and you. Loniness is a grave problem in our society today, and we need to deal with it as if it were a house burning. We have to URGENTLY deal with this problem of loneliness and human relationships, not on just a superficial level, but once and for all. I don't think there is anything as important as attending to the problems of conflict, lack of relationship and loneliness, which I feel are all interrelated, and haunts so many people, pushing them to cold suicides. It's NOT supposed to happen as one may think. It can be completely avoided, and not just that, life made even better, if only we come together in this and begin to understand it.

Loneliness has the potential to turn into compassion. When you really suffer it, you feel utter sympathy for human condition. There is no choice left. You feel that nobody must go through this. Not even the devil himself deserves to be lonely, much less people. Nobody deserves to eat alone, cry alone, die alone (perhaps the only thing sensible to do alone is one's ablusions!). We need people in everything.

Face your loneliness. Face it totally. Take it as a season, like you take a cold dark winter, it will wane. Nothing is permanant, if only we can stop sustaining it. We have partially faced this loneliness from time unknown, and becasue of that we have never got to grips with it. There is no point being angry on it. Stop saying to yourself "I'm lonely, I'm miserable, I can never come out of it, life sucks, life is unfair, why ME?... etc", stop putting the blame on the world, and really do something about it. We have to change our langauge, becasue it is langauge that adds to the problem. We have to take responsibility for it. The only way to come out of it is by some action. And the only action is see that it affects others, to see that our problems are all interrelated, and so to help other comes out of it.

It is we who have brought about this problem of loneliness, by the way we live and think in constant competition, struggle, insecurities, fears, prejudices, pleasures, racisms etc. Some of us even know it, but we are not willing to do anything about it. Life is not a fool's plaything, is it?? Are we supposed to just sit there being victims of loneliness?? That's not going to help anything. It all depends on us, and I think that is the greatest challenge of being human.

I'm terrible lonely at times, stuck in a dark hole as it were. It's a tragedy, and nothing feels good. My deepest passion in life is to see people, you people, come out of your loneliness. If you have come out, I need you to help others. I want you to know that I am there for you, my life is for you, whoever you are and whereever you are. And I ask you to be there for me. I trust you in your suffering, and I ask you to trust me in mine. I'm there to Listen to you. I wish I had done that from the beginning, but it's never late to begin a good action. I wish I had wand that could make us come together; hell, I wish people could be more sensitive we wouldn't be so lonely! But as we are, realistically, we must stop looking for easy personal and practical solutions to a massive problem.

There is a miracle... it's Love... but Love is not easy. It is difficult to be compassionate, but it is the only way out if it. There is something radical that needs to be done. Let us together face this loneliness. And when we face it I'm sure it will turn into compassion. It has already taken place, as we are so open and intimate with each other. (That's not just becasue we are on the internet, I wish and I'm sure we would be open and caring even to person in front in flesh and blood if given the right occasion). Don't accept loneliness as if it's supposed to be there all the time in your life. That's not a wise conclusion, nor the reality. Becasue if you accept loneliness... you are in essense accepting violence. Once you accept it slowly you'll be indifferent/apathetic to people who are suffering from it.

I'd like to end with what I feel is absolutely true. Happiness doubles by sharing, and misery halves by sharing. So share whatever you have, however you are, both your joys and sorrows. Be bold. Judgements don't matter when you are clear in your action. Don't worry if people woud take it or not, becasue that's thier problem. You just keep giving and sharing. Even if nobody is there for us, we have to be there for everybody. Cause if you fail in your duty, you have nobody to blame but yourself for all your loneliness.

And we al know what needs to be done. It's just a matter of doing it. There is NO easy substitute for action.


_______________________

The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.
* Pearl S. Buck

 

[NoMoreHope]

You seem like a really well adjusted human being. Despite the fact that you are lonely. Problem is a lot of loners like me can't think like that. I am a sophomore in highschool and i am going through so much stress and depression right now. It kills me every night in my bed where i just cry until i cant cry anymore. My family doesent like me, i have 0 friends, i am not exaggerating literally 0. Everyone thinks im the one weirdo who has no one to talk to, the one where at a school auditorium where there are 1500 kids and i have no one to sit by. the kid with no one to sit by at the lunch table.. i need someone like you in my life.. you seem very positive and helpful

 

[Kathy]

Walkman,
Your signature line is perfect.

I agree with what you wrote. Just sometimes when one is in the depths of loneliness, they are also in the depths of depression. I know, I've been there way more than I care to remember. That's why I recently joined this forum - loneliness and depression are brutal.


NoMoreHope,
Get thru high school and things should improve. Yes, I still suffer from loneliness and depression even at my ripe age of 48, but most of the time it is never as horrible as it was in high school. I think all kids in high school are suffering from something. Between puberty and peer pressure, it's a wonder any of us survived high school.

 

[walkman]

NoMoreHope... that's the tragedy of most loners... we know there is somebody out there who cares and understands... but who? and where?... somebody far away but united in spirit. Most are in the wrong place.We all are dying to get in touch with each other. What can I say to comfort you my friend... I wish I was there to hold your tears in my hands and hold you to my chest. No Drama. We all have shed gallons of tears, enough to fill an Olympic swimming pool I'm sure. But crying has a certain spirit and beauty to it, don't you think??. It is so human to cry. It is a gift. I'd rather cry out than keep some kind of confused idea of a cool, haughty, stiff-lip composure trying to show off how strong I am. Who are we kidding?? Crying is a sort of venting out... it's like the heart saying "Life, I see you". Unfortunate are those who cannot cry, perhaps they cannot laugh as well.

Also what Kathy says is right. There are many pressures from outside, and also changes happening inside the body, that makes student life particularly stressful, moreso for people who already feel lonesome. I'm sure you will find a creative outlet for it. But it's not going to be easy. I and others can be even be your best buddies, and give you all support you need, but to come out of loneliness is upto you. The only way to make a friend is to be an unconditional friend yourself. I know you'd think it's all chirpy and easy for me to say this, because you really suffer despite reading this. But all I can do is take as much of your burden as possible.

But, firstly I'd make a humble request to change your username to something that suits reality... like.. There is HOPE... because there is Love, though miniscule, it is present. If there was no Love we would all have long died a horrible death. We wouldn't be here even typing this. I'm sure there are people to care for you... someone... anyone, and there are certainly ways to get to such a person. Talk about your stress and despair to someone you think is fairly close and sensible, he maybe even a barber!(Barbers are enlightened you know!). MAKE YOUR FEELINGS KNOWN in some way, because very few have the sensitivity to pick up the pain thats in your heart, unless you speak or express them in some form. It's not like a pimple on face that people can see it. That's one of mistakes I made... I didn't say it to anybody, and I had nobody to ask me, much less understand me. But that 'keeping to myself' attitude only made the condition worst. And you won't believe now, but there are people who want to hear what you have to say!! You can express your pain in some poetry, I did that a lot and that gives it a creative and beautiful spin.

As for your not having friends in your college, as I imagine it, your situation is a straight out of the story of my life. I too was seen as a weirdo, a nut-crack, a clumsy ass who has nothing to say, and so I felt always pushed into a corner. The horrible thing of it was that, as a youngster I believed it to be true. For years I only withdrew because I thought I had some defect. But then I thought that there is a good likelihood of people out there, in front of me, who may be feeling the same when they cross me. It's a complicated game. You can even unknowingly make others feel lonely, perhaps when you start assuming and accepting that the only one lonely here is you, because you try out all kinds of neurotic things to come out of it.

I am a dropout, but I don't regret it with the way my college life was going. I'm 30 now, still in loneliness, and as if that was not enough I've got a disastrous array of ailments. But now I live with a different perspective of it. I have understood how deluded our society runs. We have prioritized silly matters over public health and wellbeing. The professor in the university is interested only in pushing the syllabus onto students and go home; they don't understand that students need a socially conducive atmosphere to learn anything. They train the mind, but fail to educate the heart. People are clever in weaving ideas, but have a disastrously low emotional IQ. And so they can't see what is obvious in front of them. People prioritize thier idiotic ambitions over somebody suffering, somebody innocent who needs time and attention and affection. Anyhow I can go on and on and on in this...

As I said, if anybody is not doing anything about it, all the more reason for me to do it!! Suffering has left me with NO CHOICE. Suffering transforms you. And I'll speak about that perhaps later. That's how I've decided to rip it... it all comes down to whether you accept it or not. Loneliness, depression, conflict, aggression, violence is all of their forms is unacceptable. But it's not easy to just reject them... it's important to find their root... in the mind and in people.

And you saying you have 0 friends is wrong. You have a friend in me to share your things. You are special in your way, and lots to give. Here's my email: [email protected]. Feel free to drop a mail. Ok we don't know each other in person, but we shall soon I wish. What is essential is that we connect together, and learn to value each other as we are.

Thanks so much for your response. Keep spinning the wheel of good karma.

Kathy thanks for your reply. I also think loneliness and depression go pretty much together. Depression is a slightly more severe state, where you not only feel acutely lonely, but also feel bad about yourself. I'm glad you don't suffer much as you did in the past. But I'm curious to know how you are dealing with it now.

_______________________

The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration.
* Pearl S. Buc