Why can't I just be normal?

[ensom]

Why must I be so socially-stunted and awkward? Love just seems so far out of reach. I'm so, so tired of having no one and this being such a sore spot for me.

It's not even about sex. I just want to have the experience of being in a mutually loving relationship with another person.

It seems like it's never going to happen. Hasn't even come close. I haven't even so much as held a girl's hand, ffs.

And geeze, I know lack of self-confidence is a turn off but it sure is hard to be confident when you have such a low opinion of yourself.

It's strange being on the outside seeing all of these people in relationships. Feeling like a child among adults having no experience with that kind of love.

Where did I go wrong? Why can't I have love too?

 

[Sean]

I got no answers for you,
I have the same questions .

 

[Jicky]

Ensom-go out and do some type of volunteer work. Not only does it boost your ego but makes you feel so good about yourself. Giving to others is a great gift. Besides ppl will start to notice. It will give you something to share w/ others. You will get back far more than you give. Go feed the homeless, work at a food pantry, be a mentor to a small child-there has to be things that interest you that you can do. The only requirement for volunteering is the need to help. Good luck I hope you give it a try.

 

[SkuzzieMuff]

I always try to throw this hint to people, though it's not the easiest one to take and use. I've noticed, in many situations with many different people, that for some reason when you want a relationship you never find it. I always say that girls can smell the desperation and desire and they're turned away from it for some reason. Similarly, you can never find what you're looking for, until you look for something else. Any time I've been lonely and wanted a relationship, there's never a soul in sight. But as soon as I become comfortable with being single, there are possibilities all over the place. I still haven't been able to figure out why this is, but it seems to be an anomaly that plagues the planet in many aspects.
I suggest that you find some sort of social group sort of thing in your area, and try to go to occupy time. But you need to be comfortable with the fact that you might not meet anyone there that is particularly interesting. That's why the volunteer work suggestion above is a good idea. It really would be some sort of boost, and it might lead to meeting someone. Only ever hope for a friend if you're going to hope for anything at all.
There's a good quote by Frank Zappa that works with this. "Don't expect anything,don't expect fun, don't expect friends..
if you get something...it's a BONUS"

 

[Brian]

Hey, dude, it can happen. Don't you ever say 'never'. At least not for the next 10 years.

From the age of 20 I made a decision to consciously try and improve myself and bring myself up from a no-confidence, depressed, scrawny ******* to someone desirable with confidence and an enjoyable life.

I put on some muscle (still working on that), did some self discovery. Built my life up with work and activity, from scratch after moving to a tiny town a thousand miles from anything I'd ever known (it IS possible). I learned to be confident, though I'd lie if I said it never wavered.

I forced myself to talk to girls from time to time. Some I contacted online, some in person. I got to the point that I was getting about 3 'first dates' a year or so. But, nothing more. Never a 'second date'. But the important part was that I made myself talk to a real girl, several times, and that was a MASSIVE LEAP. It's terrifying until you do it, then it's a huge confidence boost, and a reality check when one says 'no thanks' but you realize that you wake up the next morning and nothing is really different.

I'm 23 now. I'm still struggling with being able to actually date; as in, I doubt I could go flirt with girls and actually have anything come of it. But what has happened isn't so bad. Somehow within my social circle, I seem to have attracted a pretty decent gal. I got my second date, and more to come.

It CAN and DOES happen. It's a 90 degree climb for fellas like us, with rocks, loose dirt, lightning storm and high winds, and a hellish, demon-possessed bulldozer waits at the top to push us off; it's engine powered by the blood of the weak and the weary who came before and lacked the fortitude to meet victory.

But you and I actually -have- the fortitude. We just have to beat the bulldozer.

As usual my analogy is taking on a life of it's own, so I'll stop there before we go to bad places with it where nothing is relevant. But I hope I've made my point and encouraged you a little bit.



Tips on getting out and meeting people and building life experience/confidence/character:

-Having a regular job (try physical stuff like forestry work and such)
-Attending some sort of education (even if it's a community college)
-Become a volunteer firefighter or EMT (this worked wonders for me AND got me started in a career)
-Use online social tools like www.meetup.com to find local interest groups
-Get flirty with female service workers. I got a phone number this way and probably could have had one the other night. Slow times are good for this, like later at night. It's great practice because you will likely never see them again.
-Save some money, go to the clothing store, even if it's a decent 2nd hand place. Find some nice clothes that make you look money, and realize you CAN look good.
-START WORKING OUT. My suggestion is to download the P90X workout program; or if you're a little over weight, just start with P90. But DO IT.



I hope I've helped.

Brian

 

[edgecrusher]

there really is no such thing as normal if you think about it.

 

[bens]

Brian that was a mint post. Really cheered me up.
I know how you feel enson, I dunno if you werejust letting off steam - if so you're definitley not alone in your situation and its not someproblem specific to you or something. All we can do is work like mad, find challenges to overcome, get excercise. Make the effort no matter how hard it is.

 

[andra]

These times we live in don't just hand out "normal" by default, unfortunately. We gotta fight like crazy to feel normal. I agree with the fact that normal is a relative term. You have to be at peace with yourself and feel comfortable in your skin. Sitting around and complaining was the the worst thing I could do when I was low, so don't do that! Get involved in everything! Volunteering is a great advice. Try different activities, take on a hobby, play a sport, go hicking, get a job. Figure out what suites you! Brian's suggestions were great!

How old are you? I get you're still young. Till we find our way in life, we all experience low self-esteem or mixed feelings. You just have yo find it in yourself to have patience and be active! These things take time.

 

[Badjedidude]

Define "normal."

 

[PsychoBilli]

I never cared for the idea of being normal. To me that's like average or flatlining. To me, normal is boring. I don't want to be boring, I like being weird.

I like that I can ask people in the military if they know how to slay demons. Then act concerned when they say no. (They all say no, I don't think the US Marine Corp is prepared for the horrors that await them)

I like diffusing a hostile situation by announcing that I'm a lowly piece of honeysuckle that's just not worth getting angry over. (I then follow up by offering a gummy bear that's warm from being in my pocket. The looks of disgust are priceless)

I like slipping in the mud and getting it all over my pants. (I then walk up to people and say, "SHHHH, don't tell anyone I fell in the mud. Gets a laugh every time)

If I were normal, I'd never have stories like that. So I'm weird and some people are a little repulsed or leery of it, yet some others love me for it. If some people are turned off by it, it's their problem, not mine. But if I hadn't taken a long hard look at my own awkwardness and decided to embrace it I'd be a very different person. If I tried to be someone that wasn't like that, I wouldn't be me.

I can't be normal because I can't be something I'm not. I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

There's no such thing as normal...just prefernce.

This is where all your low self esteem comes from. Its a freaken delusion.
Whomever invented the term "NORMAL" shold have been shot in the head.
This kind of mentally/programing/conditioning gets you into competing and comparing.
Old ideas and unworkable beliefs.
If its working for ya...then you wouldnt be so miserable?
Simply change your beliefs or ideas...you dont need my permission or approval.
You are free to change you beliefs system any time you chose. Its your life.
You are free to think, feel and belief as you please.

Use your thinking for you not against you.

If it's just prefernce...your not competing or comparing anymore..then walllaaaa
why would you need to feel bad or think your less than anyone.
No one is more or less than you (simple truth)so why would you have low self esteem/ low self worth?

You answer your own question....You have a low opinion of yourself.
mmmm..may I suggest change your opinion of yourself.
fresia it...women change thier freaken mind all the time...so why cant you?

fresia it...go out and fresia a chick or two. Screw all that guilt and shame bullshit.
You know you want too. Until true loves comes around..sex is just going to have to do.
That would be my MO. I'm not miserable that's for sure. Not anymore. Lived through too much
bullshit and a lot of faults ideas N beeifs system..that was just a big fucken lie.
Life is too fucken short to being doing it right...right to whom or normal to whom??
Been in relationships, married and had plenty of GF. I was doing it right..but the types of
women I prefer to be with are batty as fresia..cuz they have that NORMAL mentally
honeysuckle. They're all just human beings and have a lot of flaws, short comings no matter
how beautiful or sweet I think they are or normal they think they are.
I been with plenty of Hawt Sweet women...all of them berp N fart.lol

Yes..yes...would love to have Miss right to come take all troubles away N make
me feel O fucken K. For a while they all did...everyone of them.
Ultimately I still have to find my own happiness. it's inside of me.
As for now Tracy N Cyndy is in my life. Cant have them all..2 is just going to have to do at the moment. There's only one of me...I cant be with N please all of them...
The women cant make me happy. I enjoy thier company. they enjoy me. Its all good.

 

[ensom]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

It seems to me reading through the posts on this forum that the lonely are some of the most kind-hearted people out there. It's a shame then that so many of us seem to have relationship troubles.

Brian, your post gives me some hope, as what you describe sounds very much like I am now (no-confidence, depressed, scrawny *******). I really do need to work on myself, and I have in the past (devoted an entire summer to it), but it's hard to keep at it when I don't see a whole lot of progress.

Thanks for the tips. What has become apparent to me reading these posts is that I need to put more effort in and not just expect a relationship to happen... It's tough though, because I've had low self-esteem most of my life and have tried working on it, but despite that I just can't seem to shake the negative thoughts. I need to start working out again...

I feel like having a girlfriend would make a world of difference in terms of my self-esteem. It's too bad then that lack of confidence is probably my biggest obstacle to getting one.

Volunteer work or becoming involved in a club or something would probably do some good for me. A common interest would probably make it easier to start conversations, since another problem I have is not feeling connected with people. I'll see what's out there.

As for the discussion on normality, I agree that it's difficult to define and share the sentiment that it's not necessarily better to fall into that category. However, with this topic I'm more looking at normalcy in terms of relationships. It definitely isn't normal for someone my age (21) to have had virtually zero contact with the opposite sex. I know, because all of my friends are either currently in relationships or have at least had some experience in that area. I think a lot of other people my age would find it strange as well.

Basically, it seems like the majority of people have no trouble forming relationships. It just sort of happens naturally for them. That's the way I wish it were for me.

 

[andra]

Remember that you're in this for the long run! Confidence in yourself isn't built in day, so you have to stay on track when making all these changes (volunteering, sports, working out) till all your efforts start paying off. Learn to be patient and believe in yourself, even if you haven't done that in a long time. Everything in "learnable" Confidence attracts the opposite sex, not low self-esteem. You'll get there! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

 

[SophiaGrace]

Why must I be so socially-stunted and awkward? Love just seems so far out of reach. I'm so, so tired of having no one and this being such a sore spot for me.

It's not even about sex. I just want to have the experience of being in a mutually loving relationship with another person.

It seems like it's never going to happen. Hasn't even come close. I haven't even so much as held a girl's hand, ffs.

And geeze, I know lack of self-confidence is a turn off but it sure is hard to be confident when you have such a low opinion of yourself.

It's strange being on the outside seeing all of these people in relationships. Feeling like a child among adults having no experience with that kind of love.

Where did I go wrong? Why can't I have love too?

Who says you must be socially stunted and awkward? Maybe it is your state of being right now, but there is no must in the equation. If you are tired of having no one, put yourself out there. Have courage.

If a part of you feels dead and hopeless right now just remember, "Death is an awakening." -Leo Tolstoy. It may not seem like it at first, but it is. Set goals, work towards them. build confidence, ask for dates.

It may seem like it is never going to happen, but that's just it...it SEEMS like it will never happen. You just said it yourself, it APPEARS to YOU that it wil never happen. It is not an absolute It will never happen Period end story.

You can write your own ending.