Do girls really look for confidence?

[Among the Sleep]

This feels like an obvious question, because it's what I've been told my entire life. But I'm looking for some verification here. I don't understand what it is about confident guys that would attract a girl. I mean, do I look for confident girls? Not really. If a girl seems to be way too much of a "yes-man" (I guess yes-woman would be the more proper term but I've never heard it used, lol) that can be kind of annoying. A little unattractive, even. But I mean, I'm OK with that.

The bottom line is that, you know, not to toot my own horn...but I'm a pretty funny guy, nice, generally pretty likable...and I have almost zero luck with girls. I mean it's fuckin pathetic. So I guess it would stand to reason that confidence is my problem. That's one thing I certainly do not have, and how can you go about faking something like that? You either have it or you don't. With all the good qualities I do have, am I just cursed by my lack of confidence? I mean, is there ever gonna be a day where I find a girl that can look past me being kinda sheepish and really insecure? Is it that much of a death sentence? I mean, ladies, what IS it about confidence? I don't necessarily understand what's so attractive about it. But if that's what it is then I feel like I'm doomed.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Yes.

Its kind of a sales thing, honestly. Assume that you're trying to sell a vacuum cleaner, but you have great doubts about how good or valuable it is - and now you're trying to ask for a hundred dollars for it. Your lack of confidence in your product badly impacts your ability to sell it, as your potential customers take from your doubt and add it to their own.

In a relationship, then, you're now trying to essentially sell yourself and everything you have, trying to signal that you're worth the time and effort for them to 'buy' into and be worth attention, love, etc. If you vastly lack confidence in yourself, again, you signal that you're not worth the effort, or that you have something wrong with you. This is also why jerks often seem to get attention from a lot of girls, because they seem to have so much faith in themselves, and a lot of girls take their cue from that that 'if he thinks he's so awesome, there must be a reason...'

Most of this is subconscious, mind you. You are just going to have to come to believe and have faith in yourself, and this is also why they say that working on yourself is so important and how relationships 'just happen' - a large part because as you come to realize your own value, and work on yourself and have confidence in yourself, you also appear more attractive.

 

[lonelyfairy]

Yes.

 

[Among the Sleep]

Yes.

Its kind of a sales thing, honestly. Assume that you're trying to sell a vacuum cleaner, but you have great doubts about how good or valuable it is - and now you're trying to ask for a hundred dollars for it. Your lack of confidence in your product badly impacts your ability to sell it, as your potential customers take from your doubt and add it to their own.

In a relationship, then, you're now trying to essentially sell yourself and everything you have, trying to signal that you're worth the time and effort for them to 'buy' into and be worth attention, love, etc. If you vastly lack confidence in yourself, again, you signal that you're not worth the effort, or that you have something wrong with you. This is also why jerks often seem to get attention from a lot of girls, because they seem to have so much faith in themselves, and a lot of girls take their cue from that that 'if he thinks he's so awesome, there must be a reason...'

Most of this is subconscious, mind you. You are just going to have to come to believe and have faith in yourself, and this is also why they say that working on yourself is so important and how relationships 'just happen' - a large part because as you come to realize your own value, and work on yourself and have confidence in yourself, you also appear more attractive.

True, it makes sense. I've always kind of thought of it as like, a job interview. You gotta maintain eye contact, firm hand shake, etc etc. And you're definitely right about it being mostly subconscious, I guess I didn't think of it like that, that's pretty helpful to me actually. It's just weird to me that something like that can override someone's good qualities to the extent that it does, it seems superficial. But I hear you. Thanks.

 

[tom_lonely]

I think women want to feel secure.

A man with confidence makes them feel this way.

That is why women want to see confidence. In many ways, when they decide to "be your girl" they are sharing their life with you. Whatever direction you move in, they will be at your side, and will share in your fate, good or bad. If you are not sure about yourself and what you want out of life, this will translate into your face and your behavior. Women are very intuitive.

It's the best I can explain it.

 

[IgnoredOne]

True, it makes sense. I've always kind of thought of it as like, a job interview. You gotta maintain eye contact, firm hand shake, etc etc. And you're definitely right about it being mostly subconscious, I guess I didn't think of it like that, that's pretty helpful to me actually. It's just weird to me that something like that can override someone's good qualities to the extent that it does, it seems superficial. But I hear you. Thanks.

You can be gold, but you're broadcasting yourself as bronze. Change the message you send out, and you'll change the response to it.

 

[Among the Sleep]

True, it makes sense. I've always kind of thought of it as like, a job interview. You gotta maintain eye contact, firm hand shake, etc etc. And you're definitely right about it being mostly subconscious, I guess I didn't think of it like that, that's pretty helpful to me actually. It's just weird to me that something like that can override someone's good qualities to the extent that it does, it seems superficial. But I hear you. Thanks.

You can be gold, but you're broadcasting yourself as bronze. Change the message you send out, and you'll change the response to it.

I like that, thanks.

 

[antonsunup]

The fact that you seem to be striking out shows me that at least your getting a chance at bat. I mean you do seem to have access to girls. Now you have to learn to fake confidence the way girls fake sincerity. Always talk directly to them. If you have trouble looking in their eyes - focus on their nose. Same result. Ask them about their view. Confident men are always learning about people, or ideas. (example) If she says she likes bowling and you hate bolwing- say that you don't like to bowl usually but that "she" makes it sound interesting. Keep your sentences short, direct and calming. Your tone should go a little lower as you complete each sentence- like a hypnosis almost. It's a game - always play your own game.

 

[theraab]

You don't have to fake it. You should feel confident in who you are and what you are doing (otherwise you should be doing it)...but having said that, there are a couple things that bring it out. You should be talking about things or doing thing that you are knowledgeable about/excel at - you are already confident about those things (though, you shouldn't dwell exclusively on those things).
Second, go look in the mirror - forget your face and body, and focus on your posture. Stand up straight, shoulders back (nothing worse than slumped shoulders), jaw facing slightly upward...practice this, and walk around like this - you will actually start to feel good walking like this...it's weird but it works (although your back may ache the first few days). Make sure that you don't walk around stiffly.
You mention that you are nice and funny - both of those are good qualities assuming (1) that you are nice in a way that makes you seem like a doormat and (2) that you aren't funny all the time so as to seem like a clown unworthy of serious consideration. If either 1 or 2 apply, tone it down a little. You'll do fine.

 

[Montreal Skye]

Personally speaking, I think "confidence" is subjective. If someone is too certain about everything (i.e. know it all), that's a turnoff. On the other hand a complete lack of confidence (the yes man/woman) also is a turnoff - for me that is.

I don't know that confidence is the first thing I look for. I look more for qualities like sincerity, social responsibility, honesty, sense of humour, being adventurous and an emotional vulnerability where he's not afraid to be open about his feelings after we've gotten to know each other. I like a little shy, as I'm a little shy myself. But it's important to me that a person makes the effort to come out of that shyness as things progress. So I guess, for me, no...confidence isn't the deciding factor.

By the way, again in my opinion, nothing is "either born with it or not"...if you want something you need to learn and practice it. How do you practice being confident? You don't have to command the room, but maybe think about what confidence means to you. You already do seem to have some confidence because you recognize that you're funny, nice and likable. The question is, do you project that positivity when you're with women?

 

[SkuzzieMuff]

Confident doesn't mean that you need to be a stuck up prick either. A girl wants a guy that is comfortable with himself. We can easily tell when you're uncomfortable in a situation, and it can ruin it for us. For example, my boyfriend and I shop together a lot. I don't make it miserable by taking forever, and I always try to make sure we look through stuff for both of us, I don't just drag him though the ladies sections all day. I also try to show equal interest in stuff that is for me, and for him, and he can sometimes do the same. But if he's not interested and wondering away from me, obviously bored out of his mind, it totally ruins the experience for me. He still doesn't understand that...

Same thing when meeting someone new and developing interest in them. And most times, it's not in your words at all, it's body language and the way you carry yourself. Stand up straight. Move with a purpose, don't fidget. Make eye contact, and move gracefully not abruptly. This will show a girl that you are interested in being around her, and that it's not making you uncomfortable. She will automatically feel more comfortable around you. THEN worry about what comes out of your mouth, because that can kill it real fast too.

I often see the situation in a way that women need a solid man to ground them. We should admit that it's usually our feelings that are all over the ******* place, and we often make little logical sense because of it. We need a confident and strong man to complete us, like a leaf on a tree. If you're a wobbly, slouching tree that looks like it will collapse at the sound of thunder, we won't be interested.

 

[putter65]

This feels like an obvious question, because it's what I've been told my entire life. But I'm looking for some verification here. I don't understand what it is about confident guys that would attract a girl. I mean, do I look for confident girls? Not really. If a girl seems to be way too much of a "yes-man" (I guess yes-woman would be the more proper term but I've never heard it used, lol) that can be kind of annoying. A little unattractive, even. But I mean, I'm OK with that.

The bottom line is that, you know, not to toot my own horn...but I'm a pretty funny guy, nice, generally pretty likable...and I have almost zero luck with girls. I mean it's fuckin pathetic. So I guess it would stand to reason that confidence is my problem. That's one thing I certainly do not have, and how can you go about faking something like that? You either have it or you don't. With all the good qualities I do have, am I just cursed by my lack of confidence? I mean, is there ever gonna be a day where I find a girl that can look past me being kinda sheepish and really insecure? Is it that much of a death sentence? I mean, ladies, what IS it about confidence? I don't necessarily understand what's so attractive about it. But if that's what it is then I feel like I'm doomed.

confidence can be seen as arrogance by some. It's a thin line between the two !

I say 'charm' is more important and what women will find attractive.

---

Personally speaking, I think "confidence" is subjective. If someone is too certain about everything (i.e. know it all), that's a turnoff. On the other hand a complete lack of confidence (the yes man/woman) also is a turnoff - for me that is.

I don't know that confidence is the first thing I look for. I look more for qualities like sincerity, social responsibility, honesty, sense of humour, being adventurous and an emotional vulnerability where he's not afraid to be open about his feelings after we've gotten to know each other. I like a little shy, as I'm a little shy myself. But it's important to me that a person makes the effort to come out of that shyness as things progress. So I guess, for me, no...confidence isn't the deciding factor.

By the way, again in my opinion, nothing is "either born with it or not"...if you want something you need to learn and practice it. How do you practice being confident? You don't have to command the room, but maybe think about what confidence means to you. You already do seem to have some confidence because you recognize that you're funny, nice and likable. The question is, do you project that positivity when you're with women?

I don't like confident people either men or women because they come across as arrogant.

I like charming people. What makes them charming ? It's lots of things.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Appropricate.....
Being appropriate mean you dont put on a three piece suit for a construction job enterview.
Sometimes it's not what you say...it's how do say it.

You can be confidence like a stiff or be slick, hip and cool about it.

It's more about how you're FEELING....the vibe you're sending out.

You can be a legend in your own mind...but do you really FEEL IT?

You can think your a chick magnet all day long....but you really gotta feel it.
If you gotta think about it or question it...you're definitely not.

Self esteem or confindence,..It's something that comes from within side of you.
You already have it...you were born with it. You dont have to work for it, work on it nor earn it.
It's only in your awearness or rememberance of who you are already...
Work on letting go of all the lies that was put into your head. Removing the delusions and vails.
such as...."you're not good enough, deserving enough, smart enough, ..ect"
The negative messages that you bought into or ran with....
GUILT IS A TRAINNED EMOTIONAL RESPONSE....such as thinking you're bragging if you're feeling good
about yourself or sharing positive experinces in your life.

Other men can think or say Im an arrogant prick or douchbag all day long...It donst mean a jella beans.
Simply logic say. My motive isnt to please them or fresia them. It's not rocket science.
A woman that's attracted to me...wants me to get into her. I can FEEL IT. I can FEEL HER VIBE.

Happiness is an inside job.....
Rather than try to control or ulter your behaviors (working itr from the outside in)
Most people react/respond to their emotions. use this process to work for you...not against you.
Get in touch with your feelings.
Learn, manage and practice triggering your own positive feelings.
Focus on positive feelings about yourself. You have controll over this...not other people.
Having controll over your feelings...dosnt mean emotionally disconnecting or emotionally shutting down.
Making a gratitude and appriciation list will assist you in triggering positive emotions...
The better it gets...the better it gets.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Arrogance can be a virtue. I'm a very virtuous man.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Arrogance can be a virtue. I'm a very virtuous man.

Yes...yes, then there's also being appropricate.
Most women finds A types personality repulsive.
Something about equallity....most if not all women struggle
for from generations to generations....

Played the guitar since i was a child...Im flexiable in my playing style and technique.
Made love to my guitar long before a woman ever came into my life....it gives me a hard on.
I hold my guitar close to me with a firm tight grip as I play each note with a gentle touch.....

 

[Gutted]

This is something that I think about too. I personally don't look for overly confident Girls. The problem I see with confidence is, with Guys, it goes to their heads. Guys who are confident are often TOO confident. I've never met a confident Guy who is modest. A Guy who doesn't need to go on about things that have resulted from their confidence. I don't think you should be proud to have slept with 30 Women at the age of 21. I don't plan to sleep with 10 Women in my life. Not even 5 if I can help it. I'd find it annoying if a Girl was like that too. Also, what's more important to a Girl, Honesty or Confidence? The stupid thing that I've seen Guys do is try to change themselves. Pretend to be confident. You can never change a person. A person cannot change unless they want to. Both Guys & Girls put far too much pressure on eachother these days. What I look for in Girls is personality. If they're not confident, that's fine as long as they look alright, can have a laugh with me and live a pretty normal life. Veering off topic over here All in all, if I'm not deemed confident enough for a Girl I like then screw her! If she can't take me for me then that's her problem, not mine lol.

 

[Among the Sleep]

Thanks everyone...this is making a lot of sense, actually. I feel like I learned a lot, lol. You hear the confidence thing so much that after a while it just sounds like a cliche. Thanks for explaining in more useful terms.

 

[jales]

Personally:

Yes and No.
When I was looking for a guy I did not want someone who was over confident, thought he was good looking or rich or whatever and could get many girls. That was a turn off and I guess I would not have been able to feel confident in a relationship with such a guy. So shy was a good thing. But on the other hand the guy needed to be confident enough to ask me out, hit on me, initiate contact. Cause I surely wasn't going to be the one to do that! Also a certain amount of confidence is sexually attractive. Not over confidence but a certain amount coupled with good looks makes me think of me and the guy naked in a bed. Doesn't mean that I would go out with him, but I would dream about it.

 

[theraab]

This is something that I think about too. I personally don't look for overly confident Girls. The problem I see with confidence is, with Guys, it goes to their heads. Guys who are confident are often TOO confident. I've never met a confident Guy who is modest. A Guy who doesn't need to go on about things that have resulted from their confidence. I don't think you should be proud to have slept with 30 Women at the age of 21. I don't plan to sleep with 10 Women in my life. Not even 5 if I can help it. I'd find it annoying if a Girl was like that too. Also, what's more important to a Girl, Honesty or Confidence? The stupid thing that I've seen Guys do is try to change themselves. Pretend to be confident. You can never change a person. A person cannot change unless they want to. Both Guys & Girls put far too much pressure on eachother these days. What I look for in Girls is personality. If they're not confident, that's fine as long as they look alright, can have a laugh with me and live a pretty normal life. Veering off topic over here All in all, if I'm not deemed confident enough for a Girl I like then screw her! If she can't take me for me then that's her problem, not mine lol.

You're right in that over confidence is definitely a bad thing, but I disagree that there are no guys that are both modest and confident. You say, though, that you don't care if a girl is confident, but confidence comes when you are comfortable with who you are - someone who isn't comfortable with who they are the people most likely to change when they are with you.
You are also right that guys sometimes change themselves by pretending to be confident - but all that is (assuming it is pretend confidence and not arrogance) is putting your best foot forward and playing up to your strengths.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Yes they do.

Unfortunately, a lot of guys are unconfident, and then they get rejected, which makes them even more unconfident.

I am one of those. I will be turning 30 soon, and still haven't even kissed a girl.