A lot of people shun and ignore me and I don't know why

[travis]

I don't know why it happens, but a lot of people I meet seem to ignore me and shun me. There are some that don't, but it never seems to go beyond aquaintances into a proper friendship. I suppose I'm guilty of sabotaging possible relationships and friendships for one reason or another. Either I'm not good enough for them, or they're not quite good enough for me, or I'm just afraid of something. Whatever the reason, I always end up without close friends and continue to be lonely. Maybe people pick up on this and that's why they shun me. Vicious circle.

 

[Unacceptance]

Break the cycle?

 

[Silvernight]

When you meet people you would really like to be friends with, don't let that chance go. Be yourself, try to act naturally, show that you're genuinely interested in them and like their company. They will either like you or not eventually but you'll know at least that you have nothing to blame yourself for. But it usually works.

 

[travis]

When you meet people you would really like to be friends with, don't let that chance go. Be yourself, try to act naturally, show that you're genuinely interested in them and like their company. They will either like you or not eventually but you'll know at least that you have nothing to blame yourself for. But it usually works.

Thanks for the advice. When I'm faced with the situation that you're describing, I'm faced with thoughts that are self-defeating such as "It'll never work out, it NEVER has in the past" or "you can't trust them" or I think that they are too good for me and that they will think that I am a saddo etc and I can't get out of that mentality. It's very strong and I think has become engrained in my personality. Thanks for the advice but I'm seriously struggling with this.

 

[Sylver]

Hugs, Travis!

I'm very familiar with those evil insidious sentences in my head that royally screw things up for me..

I've learned to counter them with *new* sentences that make life more fun.

For example, when you look at someone that you would want to talk to and think "It'll never work out" then TELL yourself that it'll never work out IF YOU DON'T TRY!

If you think, "I can't trust them" then add "unless I try!"

I know it sounds silly, but if you find a counter for them, it may just give you enough strength to take the first step and try.

It won't always work out, but every time you take that step you're one step closer to your goals!

Hugs!
Good luck!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

If you take time to meditate....it might help you. It helped me.
Just sit still and observe your thoughts. Focus on an object.
Don't control your thoughts...just observe them pass as if you're watching a parade.
Eventaully your mind will run out of thoughts...(practicing to let go of your thoughts).
Then observe your surrounding...sounds, site, smell...etc (being in the moment).

You might also notice your inner vioce...negative perhaps.
Simply replace those negative vioce with a positive one.
Alter the phrasing...I can't to I can....it's subtle.

Or you can practice holding a good thought...A happy moment in your life..Maybe someone you love.
Pratice holding that good feeling as you go on through your day.

Take control of you mind...> take control of your life.
thoughts > emotions> action/in actions.

It just takes practice...eventaully it will become habits of having good thoughts or being positive.
Make a conscious decision to practice doing this for 30 days...you'll notice a difference.
Maybe make a concious decision to practice doing this every morning as you awaken.... Everyday.
It'll only take 5 mins...but it'll be worth your effort.
In other words be pro active.

By practicing meditations...when a bad thoughts comes into your mind..It might trigger emotions.
But you'll simply know it's just your thoughts...they're meaningless and don't hold on to them.

Or you can write about all of your thoughts or keep a journal.

 

[SilentThinker]

Dun tink too much when you are facing people.Thoughts like,"This conversation is not going to work out." do not help you at all.

Talk about the environment,interests they have or the place you are in.

After there is a mutual acceptance between each other,make follow ups and work at the relationship.
Hanging out and social gatherings are great ways to maintain the relationship.

 

[travis]

Thankyou
Wise words, but unfortunately I've tried all of those things........
I will keep trying, however

 

[travis]

One thing I don't quite understand though is that, you have all offered advice that is seemingly able to cure or at least help my problems/condition, yet you are all (apparently) in the same boat and suffering from the same (or similar) problems as me. If you yourself have not overcome your own loneliness, then how can you offer effective advice to others if you haven't put it into practise and overcome it yourself? And if you have and you are no longer lonely, then why are you still on this site?

 

[Sylver]

Well, passing it forward..

Hugs, Travis!

I think that part of the reason this site is so helpful is that people who have managed to move forward and "get better" at certain aspects of their lives can share their ideas - and their support - with those who are trying to do it now.

I don't have many social problems. That doesn't mean I don't understand what it's like or that I didn't have them in the past.

We share what we have to share, in the hopes that it might help someone else out there, since it has already helped us. And a lot of times dealing with someone else's problem is both simpler than and helpful to our own.

I really wish you the best of luck! And I'm glad you're going to keep trying!

Hugs!

 

[Silvernight]

When you meet people you would really like to be friends with, don't let that chance go. Be yourself, try to act naturally, show that you're genuinely interested in them and like their company. They will either like you or not eventually but you'll know at least that you have nothing to blame yourself for. But it usually works.

Thanks for the advice. When I'm faced with the situation that you're describing, I'm faced with thoughts that are self-defeating such as "It'll never work out, it NEVER has in the past" or "you can't trust them" or I think that they are too good for me and that they will think that I am a saddo etc and I can't get out of that mentality. It's very strong and I think has become engrained in my personality. Thanks for the advice but I'm seriously struggling with this.

I know what you're talking about. I had this "they are too good for me" mentality for a very long time and to an extent I still do but less now. I found out that even as incapable of social interaction as I thought myself to be I still managed to make really good friends with some people by just being amiable and not trying to act "appropriate" (whatever I thought was appropriate at any particular time). That means not pretending to be something you're not in order to look more socially acceptable. It's true also that like attracts like. Whatever "vibration" you project outside, you're going to receive the same, that is, attract people that have a similar vibration. For example, if you think that such a thing as a real friendship does not exist, that it's just a fiction, and no one can be trusted, then this attitude will guarantee you'll never have a real friend until it lasts. You may attract people who also have a similar outlook, and obviously, you'll never be real friends because neither of you believes it's possible.

 

[travis]

It's true also that like attracts like. Whatever "vibration" you project outside, you're going to receive the same, that is, attract people that have a similar vibration. For example, if you think that such a thing as a real friendship does not exist, that it's just a fiction, and no one can be trusted, then this attitude will guarantee you'll never have a real friend until it lasts. You may attract people who also have a similar outlook, and obviously, you'll never be real friends because neither of you believes it's possible.

I've thought about what you're saying here quite a lot, and there is definately truth in it. But I can't help but feel that destiny and fate are playing a part in my experience as well and that no matter what I try it's not really going to make much difference until it's more 'naturally' ready to change. For whatever reason, it's feels like I'm not really 'meant' to have friends until the situation rights itself. I know that I play a part in my own destiny, but I have tried over the years and have lost - or sabotaged - everything. The situation is complex, however, because sometimes I feel like I will never get out of this situation because I have already experienced intense loneliness and isolation, and experiencing those things means that I am inferior to others. I have been called 'wierd' and 'billy no mates' on a number of occasions and when you are treated like that because you are lonely, shy, socially anxious etc then it's hard to counteract those attitudes.
Like attracts like, but when you have come so far down this path it becomes something so deep that you feel you are never going to retrace those steps. The results speak for themselves.

 

[SilentThinker]

One thing I don't quite understand though is that, you have all offered advice that is seemingly able to cure or at least help my problems/condition, yet you are all (apparently) in the same boat and suffering from the same (or similar) problems as me. If you yourself have not overcome your own loneliness, then how can you offer effective advice to others if you haven't put it into practise and overcome it yourself? And if you have and you are no longer lonely, then why are you still on this site?

Victory or defeat.You can learn from it.For me,loneliness is a ongoing battle that I am going to fight all the days of my life.(If you have friends,you can still feel lonely.)

I play chess(both english and chinese) for only a few years.But there are far more things to learn in a defeat than a victory.Because in a victory,your previous tactics or strategies in the game work at that battle.But in a defeat,your mistakes are shown more clearly and you can improve from there.

It is the same as the battle we faced being a lonely individual.I faced social problems for a long time and if the word "lonely" defines only to being alone,I do have a healthy network of friends.I have close friends and these are people who regarded me as a close friend.

Why do I help?I believe it is the same reason for some people here.We are in the situation before and know how emotionally and socially painful to be lonely.We just want to help.

 

[Marius]

You're just shy man. You see, people act differently around different people. Just think about it when communing with others; body posture, the way a person talks, what they talk about, their interests, etc. You just got to catch on to the things a person or group is interested in and create a certain interest in it for yourself as to where you will stand a better chance getting to know them than otherwise. The chance you will make friends with someone by "being yourself" are 0% because to define simply what it is to be yourself is impossible due to the sheer amounts of applicable variables. And keep this in mind--
Self deceit with the knowledge that one is deceiving one's self is not truly self deceit at all.

 

[Punisher]

Most people are f**king ********.

Sorry thats not advice

 

[strobefire]

I think I know what you're experiencing - I often think, "if this person was in my situation, he would have made a dozen friends by now." And looking back on my past, I think I've had the opportunity to have closer relationships, but I didn't realize it at the time, or I was scared or I thought that I would fail or look foolish so I never took the chance.

Also, I think that some people enjoy being alone more, but it often leads to people being isolated and alone more often that they would like. I would say try to be open to new experiences and take more chances, even small ones, and try not to get down if those chances don't always pan out, because taking a chance is better than not taking one.

 

[lost girl]

One thing I don't quite understand though is that, you have all offered advice that is seemingly able to cure or at least help my problems/condition, yet you are all (apparently) in the same boat and suffering from the same (or similar) problems as me. If you yourself have not overcome your own loneliness, then how can you offer effective advice to others if you haven't put it into practise and overcome it yourself? And if you have and you are no longer lonely, then why are you still on this site?

hey travis, i understand exactly what you're saying. sometimes i feel invisible, as if i dont exist...especially at weekends when everyone else 'has a life'. & yes u guys offering advice on here seem like a switched on, intelligent group that arent that lonely, or maybe actually happy that way? don't take offence cuz it is'nt meant. but i need a hug right now - here's one 4 u travis xxx

 

[travis]

hey travis, i understand exactly what you're saying. sometimes i feel invisible, as if i dont exist...especially at weekends when everyone else 'has a life'. & yes u guys offering advice on here seem like a switched on, intelligent group that arent that lonely, or maybe actually happy that way? don't take offence cuz it is'nt meant. but i need a hug right now - here's one 4 u travis xxx

Thanks lost girl x

 

[wolfshadow]

Travis,

I identify with so much of what you say it's untrue. The only thing I can offer is this - you can't give up! If you've read some of my other posts, I wouldn't blame you for wondering if this isn't the kettle calling the pot black. In the heat of the moment I can be extremely inconsistant, which is why I'm very hesitant in handing out advice. This time though I am right and I know it. If you shut down and give up, nothing will happen except the very real risk of buying into your own negativity and being paralysed by it.
If you keep trying then there's always, always, the possibility a breakthrough will occur and you will be one step closer to what you are searching for.

The very best of luck.

 

[one lonely guy]

I don't know why it happens, but a lot of people I meet seem to ignore me and shun me.

I realize this is an old thread, but it resonates for me.

If there's only one thing I've come to realize with people/friendships, it's that you have to expect that the vast majority of people you meet will not click with you; the reason(s) may have to do with them, you, or any number of possible incompatibilities they or you perceive.

Here's one practical hint FWIW:
If I feel it's clicking (usually after meeting someone in group settings several times), I give them my business card (with my home number/email added) and tell them "you're welcome to be in touch, but I'm not offended if you don't call". I find this takes the pressure off, and it's been effective several times. (If you don't have a business card, they're cheap to get done at stationery stores (like Staples here in Canada).)