Advice for the socially inept?

[BeardPerson]

So, thought I'd ask here as my own abilities to judge human behavior are woefully lacking.

Now, I'm going into my final year at university and as of this stage have done very little in the way of making friends - there's some people I'd say hello to if I bumped into them, but none I'd be able to actually meet up with.

I spent much of this summer doing a studentship where, much to my surprise, I made friends with a fellow student, even being invited over her house a few times for tea and such. Then, of course, the studentship ended and I'm back to sitting on my own and staring at walls.

I've tried to keep contact with this person with the occasional message back and forth (although I haven't been able to engage them in a proper conversation). A couple of days ago I raised meeting up, they went along with it at first, but suddenly stopped messaging. What do I do? I mean, I badly want to meet up because loneliness sucks, but the last thing I want in this to be another person I pester and flap at until they leave. It'd be something just to have them as a friend and I truly don't want to risk that. Then mix in the fact that I worry because I'm awful at even managing conversations (many a person I've alienated with awkward silences) and I worry that if they don't really want to meet it will inevitably go badly.

So...It could just be a missed text, or them politely saying no. I'm quite aware that I'm blowing all out of proportion, but that's what I inevitably do. Thoughts?

 

[TheRealCallie]

Did she agree to meeting up? If she did, I would casually send a reminder the day before you planned to meet up and see what she says. If she ignores you, I'd say it might be time to think about giving her up. If she responds to you, you're good to go. She might just be busy and forgot. I've done that many times.

Also, go out and meet some new people. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that.

 

[BeardPerson]

She agreed to meeting up, but never got a date set. It was when I asked when she was free the conversation dropped off, which seemed like a troubling time to disappear, but I'm quite aware that could be me overthinking things as usual. So... Sending a "hello, did you fall down a well?" message would be sensible? (But hopefully with more diplomacy.)

And I try, I'm just not grand at the whole affair! I can meet them, maybe chat to them, but it's pulling them beyond the "that person I met and chatted to" stage which is beyond my comprehension.

 

[Tiina63]

Maybe she saw it as just a temporary friendship while you were both working together. You could wait a while and then text her in a few weeks just to ask how she is and what she is doing.

 

[TheRealCallie]

She agreed to meeting up, but never got a date set. It was when I asked when she was free the conversation dropped off, which seemed like a troubling time to disappear, but I'm quite aware that could be me overthinking things as usual. So... Sending a "hello, did you fall down a well?" message would be sensible? (But hopefully with more diplomacy.)

And I try, I'm just not grand at the whole affair! I can meet them, maybe chat to them, but it's pulling them beyond the "that person I met and chatted to" stage which is beyond my comprehension.

Hmm, if she agreed, but never set a date, that could mean she doesn't really want to, but it could also mean that she just got busy and forgot to respond.
Wait a few days and send her a nonchalant text. Don't make it pushy or about meeting up, just make it a general text and she how it goes. If it goes well, ask her when she wants to meet it. If she goes quiet again, I'd say it's done.

Have you joined any clubs or do you volunteer anywhere? Those are both great ways to meet people and gives you something to talk about to start out. Look around and see what's in your area. I personally suggest volunteering, as it gives you a chance to meet people, help others and in turn make you feel a little better about yourself.

 

[LonesomeDay]

I'm sorry that you were unsuccessful in engaging her in conversation. It doesn't look too promising if she stopped talking about meeting up and doesn't offer any explanation.

How about suggesting a date and asking her to confirm or turn down? Ask her for a reply - tell her that you need to know either way so that you can make other plans if she isn't interested. You could also say that if she wants to suggest another time, place or event you are open to suggestions.

 

[BeardPerson]

Thank you for your advice people

You all make a lot of sense, and it helps to get other people's input rather than just over thinking it all myself. The idea of trying to send a nonchalant message seems like a sensible idea to me. It's been several days already so I may do that either today or tomorrow and see what happens?

And I'm part of a musical theatre society which can get me out sometimes and is a nice experience; it helps a lot but I'll still end a show and be left walking a mile through the rain on my own... Again, I'll meet and chat to the people, but never manage to get anything from it.

 

[Tiina63]

It can take a long while to make proper friends when joining a social group so if I were you I wouldn't get too downhearted about walking home alone after the theatre society meets. Maybe you could ask some of the people you speak to the most if they live in your direction and, if so, see if they want to walk with you.

 

[Stonely]

You are trying to play the "socialize and make friends game" wrong.

You are many levels behind that average/normal person therefore you have a lot of catching up to do.

Furthermore, you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket. Don't just focus on one relationship.

Talk to many people so that you have different options with who you hang out with each day.

Doing so can help you learn how to talk to many different people, build your social calibration skills and confidence over time, and make you emotionally satisfied.

 

[Triple Bogey]

She agreed to meeting up, but never got a date set. It was when I asked when she was free the conversation dropped off, which seemed like a troubling time to disappear, but I'm quite aware that could be me overthinking things as usual. So... Sending a "hello, did you fall down a well?" message would be sensible? (But hopefully with more diplomacy.)

And I try, I'm just not grand at the whole affair! I can meet them, maybe chat to them, but it's pulling them beyond the "that person I met and chatted to" stage which is beyond my comprehension.

Hmm, if she agreed, but never set a date, that could mean she doesn't really want to, but it could also mean that she just got busy and forgot to respond.
Wait a few days and send her a nonchalant text. Don't make it pushy or about meeting up, just make it a general text and she how it goes. If it goes well, ask her when she wants to meet it. If she goes quiet again, I'd say it's done.

Have you joined any clubs or do you volunteer anywhere? Those are both great ways to meet people and gives you something to talk about to start out. Look around and see what's in your area. I personally suggest volunteering, as it gives you a chance to meet people, help others and in turn make you feel a little better about yourself.

Good point about the volunteering !

 

[Richmond]

Sorry to hear that.

Why not try joining an activity where you have to collaborate with others? Anything from rock-climbing to baking!