Anger toward others

[beetrootsoup]

I'm in a few therapy/support type groups. I've noticed recently that I find it harder and harder to listen to the other participants. I've gone from being an empathic, quite touchy-feely type with a genuine interest in and compassion for, others to being indifferent/unresponsive/irritable/frozen/numb and unable to come up with any words of comfort or help.

Acute and intense loneliness is the factor that has recently entered my life and started laying waste to my emotions and ability to relate to others. Resentment and irritation predominate instead. Intellectually, I know others are going through s*** too, that's what life is about after all. But **** it, they're not going through *this*...

Reading up on the psychological aspects of loneliness I find that one can become angry and resentful toward others, thus perpetuating the isolation and ensuring one stays lonely. I see this happeneing to me, I'm watching myself become someone else, acting out of character. It's pretty scary and I don't want to become this person - bitter, angry, envious, dried-up, mean, petty and with very little to give.

Does anyone else recognise the changes that can occur when loneliness bites down hard on ourselves and our lives? Do you also find yourself angry, irritated and resentful toward other people who are basically just going about their business as usual, and have really done nothing wrong, except to have social lives, partners, families and people around them?

And can the changes be reversed when one is able to make the changes necessary to stop experiencing such intense loneliness?

 

[Tiina63]

I often feel very envious and, yes, resentful towards people who have loving families and who are not as lonely as I am. I try my best to be happy for someone if they have close loved ones and if they meet someone and form a couple, but underneath I am crying 'why does this not happen to me, what is wrong with me?' So I can udnerstand where you are coming from.
Support groups can be ok, but a problem I have found with most of them is that people go to them because they need support and not so much to give it. It sounds as if you are either not being heard in your group, or that you are not being heard enough. You come across as giving a lot more than you are getting back.
I have often found that 'ordinary' groups can be more supportive than support groups. Maybe you could join a reading group or something similar and get to know people that way?

 

[beetrootsoup]

Thanks for your response Tiina. Yes, you're right, one of the other problems with support groups is being able to take enough time to talk about your stuff when other people's needs are competing with yours, and then the resentment that can cause. I really need individual counselling/therapy as well and am on a waiting list for this as we speak.

Your idea about the reading group is a good one. I'm going to check my local library to see if I can find one. Also I want to learn to knit! I'm sure it would be very therapeutic having something to do with my hands, and doing something like that with other people is in itself relaxing and comforting.

 

[JustALonelyGuy]

I'm in a few therapy/support type groups. I've noticed recently that I find it harder and harder to listen to the other participants. I've gone from being an empathic, quite touchy-feely type with a genuine interest in and compassion for, others to being indifferent/unresponsive/irritable/frozen/numb and unable to come up with any words of comfort or help.

Acute and intense loneliness is the factor that has recently entered my life and started laying waste to my emotions and ability to relate to others. Resentment and irritation predominate instead. Intellectually, I know others are going through s*** too, that's what life is about after all. But **** it, they're not going through *this*...

Reading up on the psychological aspects of loneliness I find that one can become angry and resentful toward others, thus perpetuating the isolation and ensuring one stays lonely. I see this happeneing to me, I'm watching myself become someone else, acting out of character. It's pretty scary and I don't want to become this person - bitter, angry, envious, dried-up, mean, petty and with very little to give.

Does anyone else recognise the changes that can occur when loneliness bites down hard on ourselves and our lives? Do you also find yourself angry, irritated and resentful toward other people who are basically just going about their business as usual, and have really done nothing wrong, except to have social lives, partners, families and people around them?

And can the changes be reversed when one is able to make the changes necessary to stop experiencing such intense loneliness?

HI beetroot, Yes I have been through what you are going through and yeah, it's scary indeed. There is good news. It can be reversed. Why? because you are aware of it and that is the first 'stepping stone' of putting thins right.

Ive realised where I was going. Bitterness, resentment, apathy, and indifference to people who are just like me, Human beings. Our reflection of eachother and all of humanity.

You have to ask yourself these questions if you feel you can. What would happen if everyone was feeling the way you do? would anyone be able to heal themseleves let alone others?

Looking around, have you observed that the world is already serious broken because of all the negativity simply because people beleive they 'cannot break free'?

If the whole world became how you felt then it would be unbalanced and truly a dark place to exist on.

This is waht realised and I have become patient, compassioonate, loving, understanding forigiving and empathetic yet again. It's the only way I know and personally, I believe that waht our purpose is here, to evolve and progress.

I can't tell you waht you should do, or indeed offer my method to you. What works for me may not for you. What I do suggest though. is keep reflectin on this person you have become (it is clear to me you don't like who you have become) and ask yourself some questions: is it really me? What can I do to change it?

I send you my love and positive thoughts that you are able to become the person you once was. all the thins you used to be are important atleast to me and other people here. if you do decide to revert abck to bein the person you was, think of the little differences in the world you can make. Atleast to some of the other members here. Afterall I personally believe we are all brothers and sisters whether you choose to believe that or not

You cannot change the whole world, but you can play your part in making a little bit of it a better place

Peace and love,

Chris

 

[beetrootsoup]

Thanks for this Chris! Yes, I don't see why I couldn't consciously choose to change my behaviour, and maybe the feelings will follow. Of course, arguably the world IS quite a dark and difficult place to be...but I can remind myself that there ARE genuinely people out there who care and want to help. I can even become one myself.

I suppose what I was trying to say in this post is that loneliness started to loom very large in my life relatively recently. I had a break up with an unsuitable guy (understatement) which nevertheless left me feeling bereft. Also my 17 year old son (who doesn't live with me) is also very depressed and withdrawn which has grieved me so much...I have bipolar disorder and have been unable to work for a living for decades now.

So to watch and see myself putting up these barriers is a new thing for me, I'm observing my own behaviour and seeing how it contributes to the sense of aloneness. I hope and trust I can reverse it, in time. As you say, at least I'm aware of what's happening, right?

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

[Tiina63]

Hi, I am glad that you found my reply helpful.
I think that it is good that you will be going for individual counselling as it will give you a place where you will be heard.
I hope that you find a reading group and a knitting group. This should help you a lot when it comes to getting to know people.
Will your counsellor be trained to work with people with bipolar disorder? I've told mine (I've just returned to therapy this week) about my recent aspergers diagnosis, as it can have a strong effect on whether the councelling is effective or not.

 

[isthatso]

It's pretty scary and I don't want to become this person - bitter, angry, envious, dried-up, mean, petty and with very little to give.

Sounds like me

No, actually I'm trying to work on some of these issues. But i genuinely think I have something to give. And I think you do too. Certainly very articulate and self-aware which is half the battle if you ask me.

 

[Bokkom]

I couldn't put in words how I felt - you put down on ' paper ' exactly how I feel - so know that you're not alone. I only joined - I don't think even a hour ago - and already feel understood, a kinship ( with people I don't even know) and tonight definitely a little less lonely!!!!
Thx!

 

[perfanoff]

Just a big yes to all.

 

[JustALonelyGuy]

Thanks for this Chris! Yes, I don't see why I couldn't consciously choose to change my behaviour, and maybe the feelings will follow. Of course, arguably the world IS quite a dark and difficult place to be...but I can remind myself that there ARE genuinely people out there who care and want to help. I can even become one myself.

I suppose what I was trying to say in this post is that loneliness started to loom very large in my life relatively recently. I had a break up with an unsuitable guy (understatement) which nevertheless left me feeling bereft. Also my 17 year old son (who doesn't live with me) is also very depressed and withdrawn which has grieved me so much...I have bipolar disorder and have been unable to work for a living for decades now.

So to watch and see myself putting up these barriers is a new thing for me, I'm observing my own behaviour and seeing how it contributes to the sense of aloneness. I hope and trust I can reverse it, in time. As you say, at least I'm aware of what's happening, right?

Thanks for your thoughts.

Anytime Beetroot. I'm also sorry to hear about your son too. I can only imagine this makes the 'darkness in your tunnel a little deeper and denser' :/ *hugs* if you want to, feel free to give me a PM anytime and let me know how you are getting on or if youd like some advice and guidance on a 'one 2 one' level if you feel you want to. No obligation of course.

Love and peace always,

Chris

 

[beetrootsoup]

Lol, Isthatso! Bokkum, I'm really glad you could relate. Tiina, thanks. Perfanoff: ditto. Chris, I appreciate the kind offer. Thanks everyone!