Attention equals value?

[EveWasFramed]

I sometimes surf the very old threads here at ALL out of curiosity. I came across the one below and thought it might be a good one to bump (sometimes the old threads have very good messages). In this case, though the title caught my eye, the thread turned out to be total crap. Off topic, fighting, etc.
However, I thought the title was interesting enough to make a new thread from.

It seems to me that people are very different in the amount of attention they need from their significant others, friends and/or family to feel content (loved, cared for, etc).
I've often heard people complain because their spouse/gf/bf etc. doesn't "show them enough attention." I will assume that can be an issue for ANY relationship - even the ones you have with children, family and friends.
I wonder what can be done to rectify these kinds of situations? Does the person who doesn't give enough attention need to learn to show it more, or does the person who needs/expects it need to learn to make do with less of it than they'd like (or need).
I know the answer isn't simple or straightforward.
Have any of you ever been on either side of this coin, and if so, how did it go?
Do any of you feel that the amount of attention you get from your loved ones relates to your "value" at all?
Thoughts?




-->> The old off-topic thread: http://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=965

 

[ghbarnaby2]

When I was a little younger, I had girlfriend who said I was giving her too much attention. I was actually a little shocked so I pulled back on the amount of time that I spent with her, which worked for about a day and she was happy, though by the day after that she told me that I was not giving her enough attention. I feel that there is a fine line for some people and a thick line for others. I am relatively low maintenance (at least at this point in my life) - if I know that you are around or that you care everything is fine. Some people require a lot of attention: consistent texting, touching, or other activities. I no longer equate the amount of attention with value as much as I did before, but rather the quality of the attention I have given or have received.

 

[EveWasFramed]

When I was a little younger, I had girlfriend who said I was giving her too much attention. I was actually a little shocked so I pulled back on the amount of time that I spent with her, which worked for about a day and she was happy, though by the day after that she told me that I was not giving her enough attention. I feel that there is a fine line for some people and a thick line for others. I am relatively low maintenance (at least at this point in my life) - if I know that you are around or that you care everything is fine. Some people require a lot of attention: consistent texting, touching, or other activities. I no longer equate the amount of attention with value as much as I did before, but rather the quality of the attention I have given or have received.

Good point. I guess everyone is different. But how do you KNOW who wants/needs attention (or more or less attention)?

 

[ghbarnaby2]

Good point. I guess everyone is different. But how do you KNOW who wants/needs attention (or more or less attention)?

Hmm...I do it by observation. Some of my friends are incredibly introverted, while others are gregarious bordering on annoying haha! I believe there is an ebb and flow to their lives that brings them to my attention or the opposite. It is about gauging the situation and making thoughtful choices *shrug* I find this to be especially true with children, the amount of attention necessary is of value no matter the quality, because they need it.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Good point. I guess everyone is different. But how do you KNOW who wants/needs attention (or more or less attention)?

Hmm...I do it by observation. Some of my friends are incredibly introverted, while others are gregarious bordering on annoying haha! I believe there is an ebb and flow to their lives that brings them to my attention or the opposite. It is about gauging the situation and making thoughtful choices *shrug* I find this to be especially true with children, the amount of attention necessary is of value no matter the quality, because they need it.

Yeah, but kids (well, MY kid, lol) doesnt have a problem coming right up to me and saying, Mommy, I want to sit in your lap, or mommy, will you come play with me. I KNOW when she wants attention.

How can one possibly judge this in an adult? How does one "ask" for attention or pick up when someone else is doing the "asking" if they dont come right out and ask (which would seem awkward for an adult imo)?

 

[Case]

When two people are out of sync with respect to the amount of attention given or received, I feel it would only be fair to find a happy middle that can satisfy both.

To ask one person to change implies that one person is "fine" and the other person is "wrong" somehow. To me, the people who demand that the other person must change for them are a bit selfish and need to reassess their role in the relationship.

My two pence.

 

[EveWasFramed]

When two people are out of sync with respect to the amount of attention given or received, I feel it would only be fair to find a happy middle that can satisfy both.

To ask one person to change implies that one person is "fine" and the other person is "wrong" somehow. To me, the people who demand that the other person must change for them are a bit selfish and need to reassess their role in the relationship.

My two pence.

hmmm...I dont know if I share you view on that. I don't feel it's "wrong" to want more/less attention. It's a need I would guess. Shouldn't two people who are in a relationship find that middle ground? I guess Im not sure seeking more or less attention is asking someone to "change."

 

[Alyssia]

When I was younger, before I met my hubby, I was never needy for attention like I am now, more so for my hubby than anyone else, because of him having to work so much right, there isn't anything we can do about it. It's bothersome when work can take over your life, but it's not his fault, that I know. His one job is very demanding always changing shifts and expecting workers to work overtime a lot. I really value my time with my man because no one understands me better than him.

I used to crave attention from my immediate family....well maybe not so much crave attention, rather desired a close relationship with them. I finally gave up after realizing how dysfunctional of a family we have and how bad the communication skills are, which turns into mostly screaming and yelling, trying to over talk one another, that, it's not worth the headache, stress and anxiety lol.

:club:

 

[Case]

When two people are out of sync with respect to the amount of attention given or received, I feel it would only be fair to find a happy middle that can satisfy both.

To ask one person to change implies that one person is "fine" and the other person is "wrong" somehow. To me, the people who demand that the other person must change for them are a bit selfish and need to reassess their role in the relationship.

My two pence.

hmmm...I dont know if I share you view on that. I don't feel it's "wrong" to want more/less attention. It's a need I would guess. Shouldn't two people who are in a relationship find that middle ground? I guess Im not sure seeking more or less attention is asking someone to "change."

My point is that there should be compromise that satisfies two people instead of one. Forcing one person to change without the other lifting a finger is bad. I've seen far too many women, for example, bending over backwards to make sure she's in line with what her hubby/bf wants to the detriment of her own feelings.

 

[EveWasFramed]

When two people are out of sync with respect to the amount of attention given or received, I feel it would only be fair to find a happy middle that can satisfy both.

To ask one person to change implies that one person is "fine" and the other person is "wrong" somehow. To me, the people who demand that the other person must change for them are a bit selfish and need to reassess their role in the relationship.

My two pence.

hmmm...I dont know if I share you view on that. I don't feel it's "wrong" to want more/less attention. It's a need I would guess. Shouldn't two people who are in a relationship find that middle ground? I guess Im not sure seeking more or less attention is asking someone to "change."

My point is that there should be compromise that satisfies two people instead of one. Forcing one person to change without the other lifting a finger is bad. I've seen far too many women, for example, bending over backwards to make sure she's in line with what her hubby/bf wants to the detriment of her own feelings.

Of course I agree with what you're saying there, but my question was more....how do you know the other person needs more attention (assuming you don't mind giving it) or, if you're the one who needs more attention, how to ask for it without making your partner feel like they are doing something wrong?

 

[edamame721]

I think we all seek attention sometimes, but it may be inopportune for someone close to us to provide it. For friendship and family, the best thing to do is to not rely on one person but not take anyone for granted. I had one friend who threw a fit when I didn't put "Love" in a card I sent her, although she never sends me any. And I've had people who've just been happy I thought of sending them a card at all. When someone can't do an activity with me, I remember what they've done previously for me, and accept they might just be tired, have other commitments, etc.

I've found keeping busy is helpful in avoiding over-thinking about whether someone "values" me or not. It doesn't have to be work, it can just be a fulfilling hobby.

As for romantic relationships, I think it's different, especially if you are building a life together. There's a lot of give and take and unmet needs should be talked about pronto.

(Whew, and that's a lot of opinions. ^_^)

 

[EveWasFramed]

...but my question was more....how do you know the other person needs more attention (assuming you don't mind giving it) or, if you're the one who needs more attention, how to ask for it without making your partner feel like they are doing something wrong?

 

[Regumika]

Do any of you feel that the amount of attention you get from your loved ones relates to your "value" at all?
Thoughts?

There is no doubt that every single person needs attention from someone, be it family, friends, significant others, or even strangers. Everyone strives to be recognized in one way or another. So yes, everyone believes - attention received equals their value.

...how do you know the other person needs more attention (assuming you don't mind giving it) or, if you're the one who needs more attention, how to ask for it without making your partner feel like they are doing something wrong?

This is the problem a lot of relationships face, and probably blinded by this problem. The problem is that one or both people in the relationship "expects" the other to be a mindreader. How does it come to this? Because many of us are brought up with the idea that our partner would be "the one" and would "understand your heart" - "without you telling them". Sure one person can know their partner like the back of their hand... eventually. Some people might be more perceptive than others, but no one has magical mind reading powers. To expect such is ridiculous and you would sabotage your own relationship for believing that.

Communication is key. Yes it is difficult, why? Because doing so usually puts you out in the open. It makes you look "poor" because you are "begging" in a way. No one likes to be a beggar. If subtle hints (that save you the face of begging) isn't working, then just communicate. It's hard, but what else are you going to do?

And I agree with some posts - you have to meet in the middle for it to work. One person doing all the work or the other settling completely is not going to work.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Do any of you feel that the amount of attention you get from your loved ones relates to your "value" at all?
Thoughts?

There is no doubt that every single person needs attention from someone, be it family, friends, significant others, or even strangers. Everyone strives to be recognized in one way or another. So yes, everyone believes - attention received equals their value.

...how do you know the other person needs more attention (assuming you don't mind giving it) or, if you're the one who needs more attention, how to ask for it without making your partner feel like they are doing something wrong?

This is the problem a lot of relationships face, and probably blinded by this problem. The problem is that one or both people in the relationship "expects" the other to be a mindreader. How does it come to this? Because many of us are brought up with the idea that our partner would be "the one" and would "understand your heart" - "without you telling them". Sure one person can know their partner like the back of their hand... eventually. Some people might be more perceptive than others, but no one has magical mind reading powers. To expect such is ridiculous and you would sabotage your own relationship for believing that.

Communication is key. Yes it is difficult, why? Because doing so usually puts out in the open. It makes you look "poor" because you are "begging" in a way. No one likes to be a beggar. If subtle hints (that save you the face of begging) isn't working, then just communicate. It's hard, but what else are you going to do?

Good post, Regu. Especially the underlined section. This really hits the nail on the head for a lot of people I think.

 

[ghbarnaby2]

Do any of you feel that the amount of attention you get from your loved ones relates to your "value" at all?
Thoughts?

There is no doubt that every single person needs attention from someone, be it family, friends, significant others, or even strangers. Everyone strives to be recognized in one way or another. So yes, everyone believes - attention received equals their value.

...how do you know the other person needs more attention (assuming you don't mind giving it) or, if you're the one who needs more attention, how to ask for it without making your partner feel like they are doing something wrong?

This is the problem a lot of relationships face, and probably blinded by this problem. The problem is that one or both people in the relationship "expects" the other to be a mindreader. How does it come to this? Because many of us are brought up with the idea that our partner would be "the one" and would "understand your heart" - "without you telling them". Sure one person can know their partner like the back of their hand... eventually. Some people might be more perceptive than others, but no one has magical mind reading powers. To expect such is ridiculous and you would sabotage your own relationship for believing that.

Communication is key. Yes it is difficult, why? Because doing so usually puts out in the open. It makes you look "poor" because you are "begging" in a way. No one likes to be a beggar. If subtle hints (that save you the face of begging) isn't working, then just communicate. It's hard, but what else are you going to do?

Good post, Regu. Especially the underlined section. This really hits the nail on the head for a lot of people I think.

Eve....you aren't paying enough attention to me. My subtle hints are not working any longer...ATTENTION PLZ K THX

 

[EveWasFramed]

Eve....you aren't paying enough attention to me. My subtle hints are not working any longer...ATTENTION PLZ K THX

lol, at least you don't leave me guessing.