Chemistry - can you create it with anyone?

[TheSkaFish]

So as I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to get in a relationship, I've come across this idea of clicking, or "chemistry". A lot of people say that you either have it with someone or you don't, and I don't really like that because it suggests that you are just predetermined to only have chemistry with a certain group of people. What if you don't like any of them? What if you are just predetermined to not have chemistry with anyone, are you just doomed to be alone?

I'd like to believe that a person can learn to create chemistry, for a number of reasons. As of right now, I have no idea how to even begin creating it, and I'd also like to be as proactive as possible in terms of who I date - I'd like to be able to influence things to go my way as much as possible, by being able to create chemistry with someone that I actually desire.

What do you think? Can you learn to create chemistry with anyone you want?

How do you even create chemistry in the first place?

 

[TheRealCallie]

Buy a chemistry set and invite people over and you can make chemistry with anyone

But seriously, I don't think you can force something like that, it just has to happen naturally. (IMO, of course)

 

[TheSkaFish]

But if you can't create chemistry with anyone you want though, then it means that there is a very real possibility of only being able to create chemistry with people you are "meh" about, which means that whatever relationships you get will be unfulfilling at best. Or just as bad, if you don't have what it takes to click with anyone, then you are doomed to be alone for the rest of your life.

I just think there's got to be something I can do to avoid this fate. But I don't know how to create chemistry at all, let alone when it counts.

 

[TheRealCallie]

But if you can't create chemistry with anyone you want though, then it means that there is a very real possibility of only being able to create chemistry with people you are "meh" about, which means that whatever relationships you get will be unfulfilling at best. Or just as bad, if you don't have what it takes to click with anyone, then you are doomed to be alone for the rest of your life.

I just think there's got to be something I can do to avoid this fate. But I don't know how to create chemistry at all, let alone when it counts.

Just because you feel "meh" at first, doesn't mean you always will. Sometimes, you need to get to know a person before the sparks show up. If you base everything on appearances and first impressions and judgments, you will never find someone. Take a chance and go out with people you seem to think are "meh." What's the worst that can happen....it doesn't go anywhere? So what, at least you tried, at least you went out and had some fun. If it doesn't work out romantically, you may just find yourself with a new friend.

I truly believe there is at least one someone out there for everyone. Does that mean they are going to be exactly what you THINK you want? No...take a risk and go outside the box and see where you get. Would that be any worse than what you're doing now?

 

[TheSkaFish]

Eh, it's just....some guys (and I suppose some girls too) seem to be able to pick and choose who they get. That's the kind of person I'd like to be as well, that's the kind of person who is able to create the best life because they know what they want and they make it happen. They don't leave things up to an often unmerciful fate.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Eh, it's just....some guys (and I suppose some girls too) seem to be able to pick and choose who they get. That's the kind of person I'd like to be as well, that's the kind of person who is able to create the best life because they know what they want and they make it happen. They don't leave things up to an often unmerciful fate.

Some people can pick and choose, but it doesn't mean they have exactly what they wanted or that they are happy. Seeing relationships from the outside are very rarely what they truly are.

No one knew how much honeysuckle I went through with my ex. Most people thought we WERE happy, because I didn't put the bad honeysuckle out there to the world. Very few of my friends knew what was going on, my family didn't and still don't know what really went on.

 

[Ymir]

I think "chemistry" is fairly overrated. Sometimes there is an instant connection, sometimes you have to put some effort into getting the relationship going. I used to believe I knew if I would like a person or not on the first minute I met them but no more.

It takes time, sometimes.

 

[Gravely]

I don't think chemistry can be created. It's all about how well you mesh with someone's personality type. If you find someone you mesh well with, great, but the only way to force it is to change yourself. This cannot authentically be done apart from the usual changes in perspective that comes with growing. You will be miserable if you sacrifice who you really are.

 

[jaguarundi]

There is a difference between liking someone and lusting for someone, or so I believe.

Hopefully you meet someone you like, and the chemistry is there straight off. Sometimes even if you don't lust after them right away, that chemical attraction does grow.

Sometimes you meet someone and you don't like them, but the chemical attraction is like ..phew. I certainly have come across one guy in particular who was a honeysuckle really, but I just liked the smell of his sweat. And no I didn't. (Sleep with him I mean).

I don't believe you can make it happen, but I do believe sometimes you have to give it a bit of time. It isn't love at first sight, it's lust at first sight, because how can you know what a person is like until you know them?

Unfortunately sometimes even if you like someone a lot, the lust part just never happens. For whatever reason it is just never there.

But not getting to know someone because you are not instantly attracted to them seems at least as silly and immature as thinking because you are instantly attracted you will be compatible in every other way.

 

[Cavey]

Lately, I feel like commenting on threads, then I read Jaguarundi's answer and she says pretty much exactly what I was going to say, but she's usually said it more eloquently, so I'll just say... +1. Ugh

 

[Boreal]

But if you can't create chemistry with anyone you want though, then it means that there is a very real possibility of only being able to create chemistry with people you are "meh" about, which means that whatever relationships you get will be unfulfilling at best. Or just as bad, if you don't have what it takes to click with anyone, then you are doomed to be alone for the rest of your life.

I just think there's got to be something I can do to avoid this fate. But I don't know how to create chemistry at all, let alone when it counts.

What is chemistry, to you? How could you be "meh" about someone you click with?

Either I'm into someone or I'm not. For me, it's black and white. Some of them are incompatible on a personal level or don't return my interest, but that's the worst I can say for it. Being into someone is the same as finding them interesting, stimulating, and attractive, and if someone is interesting, stimulative, and attractive to me, then I'm into them.

If I clicked with someone only on a friendly level, then I wouldn't be looking for any further attraction. Maybe that has something to do with what's being talked about here.

 

[Solivagant]

I don't think chemistry can be created. It's all about how well you mesh with someone's personality type. If you find someone you mesh well with, great, but the only way to force it is to change yourself. This cannot authentically be done apart from the usual changes in perspective that comes with growing. You will be miserable if you sacrifice who you really are.

^ This.

 

[Veruca]

I don't think chemistry can be created, because its not about liking someone or having similar interests. If I am not mistaken, chemistry is just "clicking" as you said Skafish and there's no logical explanation for it....you just meet someone and you just feel drawn to them.

I think if we could create chemistry, many of us wouldn't be feeling so very lonely. And casting directors wouldn't have such a tough job!

However, I do not think chemistry is particularly important for a relationship to work. Friendship and romantic relationships are based on more than just "clicking". Even if you don't feel attached or attracted to someone in the beginning, you can always grow close later. Sure, having some chemistry would be nice, but its not a dealbreaker I think

 

[Sci-Fi]

"Chemistry" with someone is just something that happens, either over time or right away. Ever meet someone you got along with right off the bat or just clicked with? That's "chemistry", and I don't mean romantically either, it could be platonic as well like friends, family members, co-workers, etc. Human chemistry is just something that makes you click together, not like Lego but sort of. Like for example two actors in a movie that are believable in their characters and make you think they are lovers or long time friends, or really family, people call that "having on screen chemistry", they work well together without having to make it seem like an effort, forced, or awkward. That's my feelings on it anyway.

 

[TheSkaFish]

What is chemistry, to you? How could you be "meh" about someone you click with?

Either I'm into someone or I'm not. For me, it's black and white. Some of them are incompatible on a personal level or don't return my interest, but that's the worst I can say for it. Being into someone is the same as finding them interesting, stimulating, and attractive, and if someone is interesting, stimulative, and attractive to me, then I'm into them.

If I clicked with someone only on a friendly level, then I wouldn't be looking for any further attraction. Maybe that has something to do with what's being talked about here.

I don't really know what chemistry is to me. I had an experience where I met someone and we talked all the time. It was so effortless. It was always entertaining, even when the topics weren't my usual interests. It was just nice talking to them for hours. I thought it was chemistry, apparently it was not.

How do people get stuck clicking on only a friendly level, and what lets people break through to the romantic level?

 

[Alonewith2cats]

I think the key is just to let whatever is going to be happen naturally. Don't try to create chemistry, just let it happen and if it doesn't that's o.k. If you're meant to just be friends you'll know because your attraction to another will stay at a platonic level. If it's meant to be more than that you'll know because you'll feel a stronger pull towards the person. Just have fun allowing wonderful people into your life. Don't force anything. Whatever will be will be. I think you can actually block that magical chemistry from coming to you by focusing on it too much.

 

[Regumika]

Isn't "chemistry" sex (physical attraction)? Or is there another meaning to it?

If it's just physical attraction, there is nothing you can do about it. Think about it this way. If you're a guy, try thinking sexually for another guy. Or if you're gay, try thinking straight. That's what I think chemistry is, you either are attracted to the person, or you are not.

Throwing morals aside, if you think "oh yeah, I can sleep with soandso," that's chemistry in my opinion.

 

[Gravely]

To me, chemistry has nothing to do with sex. I didn't have the best sex of my life with the girls I had chemistry with. At the same time, we didn't always have the same interests either. It's about personality, the way our brains are wired due to the environment we come from. Some girls were damaged like me, others weren't but our personalities and perspectives didn't conflict. With those girls, I found new energy.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I guess I need to change myself then. Right now, as I am, I'm incapable of creating chemistry. My personality clicks with no one, let alone anyone I actually want to click with.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I guess I need to change myself then. Right now, as I am, I'm incapable of creating chemistry. My personality clicks with no one, let alone anyone I actually want to click with.

You're focused on it too much. You are thinking too much about what you THINK you want, that aren't willing to give anyone else a chance.
Honestly, it somewhat sounds like you are putting such high standards on women because you're scared of something. I could be wrong or maybe you don't realize that's what is going on, but there's something there.

You don't have to change yourself, you just have to let yourself be willing to give other girls a shot. What will it hurt?