Depression or Laziness?

[bookworm1979]

Here is my problem: I just don't feel like doing anything. Even typing this is an effort (the fact that my writing skills have deteriorated after leaving college in 2002 doesn't help at all). There are things I know I should do: clean my room, wash the dishes, check the tire pressure, etc. But everything is just too overwhelming for me. Last week I did tidy my room up a bit, and I did the dishes a couple of times (my mom usually does them, I normally do stuff like vacuuming and cleaning the tub). I do have a full-time job.

All I really want to do, though, is read, surf the Internet, listen to music. Sometimes I don't even feel like doing those things, however. Reading a book or trying to pay attention to a song can feel like too much for me to handle. But when I can pay attention to what I'm reading or listening to, I feel fine, I'm not thinking about myself and my stupid problems because I'm living vicariously through the book/music.

I just had my taxes done yesterday and the person handling my taxes seemed to be implying that I am lazy (this person has done my taxes for about 4 or 5 years now). I chose not to get health insurance last year but I did do a lot of research and checked out the prices and decided that it was not affordable. The tax person said I should have called the number on the website (I didn't tell her that I deal with social anxiety, too, but talking to someone would not have changed my decision); when I asked her if she could just plug in the basic numbers on the government website (income, age, zip code) THAT SHE WAS ALREADY ON so I could show her what I was talking about when it came to prices she said, "No, I won't do that, call the number, see it's right on the contact page", just brushing me off and treating me like an idiot, even though the tax office advertises help with signing up for health insurance. I admit, though, I can see why she would think I'm lazy: I've also been in default on my student loans for a few years, and my wages are being garnished, and I don't even know what the debt is up to anymore because I haven't called about it in years. Again, I feel overwhelmed.

I also don't really care about my health like I should, I suppose. What's the point? It's just me and my mom, and if I live long enough, it'll eventually just be me. I even sabotaged myself in that regard, though: There was a guy who was interested in me on a dating site, but I couldn't muster up enough motivation to see if I could eventually reciprocate his interest. I tried writing back and forth with him for a few months, but I couldn't find much common ground with him and our conversations went nowhere. My mom liked him more than I did (he has a good job, he wants kids--I DON'T!!!). He came on really strongly at first when he thought I wanted to find someone to marry, saying I was the only person he wanted to date, writing me a poem. Then I told him I was really only writing to him because my mom was pushing me and I don't want marriage or kids, so we tried the pen pal thing, which didn't work in the long run.

OK, THAT was a heaping load of ramble...

Anyway, I guess my real question is: Why don't I want what most other people in life seem to want? I don't want a career, and I don't want to be a wife/mother (of course, there is a huge element of low self-esteem. I don't feel I'm capable of any of those things. Also, a lot of family issues that have scarred me for life.) So, what the hell is the use??? DEPRESSION or LAZINESS???

 

[TheRealCallie]

Laziness caused by depression, I'd say. I don't think it would be as much of a problem if you weren't depressed. If you didn't have low self esteem, you probably wouldn't think that you weren't capable of doing the things you mentioned.

Lots of people didn't get health insurance last year. That has nothing to do with laziness, IMO, it's common sense because it's NOT affordable. The fine is a hell of a lot cheaper than the insurance.
As for the husband and kids part. I don't feel that it's a capable thing, sometimes people just don't want those things and there's nothing wrong with that.

Don't be so hard on yourself, I think you just need to gain some confidence and you'll be on your way.

 

[wolvesjr]

So you don't want kids. That's not a big deal. I know plenty of couples who do not have and do not want kids. The point is finding someone you're happy with and that you're on the same page with.

As for the depression/laziness thing, I"m tending to agree with Callie. The laziness is probably being caused by the depression. When I get my episodes I have a really difficult time motivating myself to do much of anything. You may want to see if there is a free clinic near where you live and just go there and see what they say. They may be able to get you in touch with some resources to help with the insurance costs. It can't hurt to try.