Do you believe in friendships between men and women?

[Sky.]

In my opinion it's totally possible to just remain friends.
I've been good friends with this guy for nearly 9 years, never felt any attraction at all towards him. Feels more like he'd be my cousin or something. And I'm sure he feels the same way about me. Things never get awkward between us. It is true though that we are very different people and have different views when it comes to more serious topics. So maybe that's why we don't see each-other that way.

 

[Celt]

I've  been sitting on the fence for a while with this one but I think yes boys can be friends with girls. I think though with males being males there's always a chance you could cross the line and then regret it.

 

[user 115627]

Communicate clearly and it won't be a problem. If one side over- or underestimates one-way romantic desires bubbling under the surface without addressing them (or by actively using them to their advantage), chaos ensues.

 

[Meaw]

I am not so sure I believe in the movie-picture of friends, where you can call each other any time, where you and your friend climbs to the highest branch of that tree in the park, fall, break your legs and stay in hospital in beds next to each other, and where you can tell each other all your secrets and it still stays all sunny.

That said, more "lazy" or distant friendship, of course. I have had short periods of being friends with people of different genders, and from my bleak experiences gender isn't something that mattered, just like their eyecolour, shoe size, favourite school subject or favourite colour didn't matter. On another note, there always seem to be some reason to why the friendships burn out, everything from people moving to people being depressed to people just fading in the message answer rates.

Also, if you don't want to feel like her therapist, why not just suggest some other activity? Ask her if she wants to go play some game - be it board game, irl sports or computer game, or ask if she'd like to go for a walk, or take a tea somewhere. Just some other activity if you didn't like the first.

 

[M_also_lonely]

No. I don't believe so. And I don't know the reason for that. I just believe that its not possible.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I've  been sitting on the fence for a while with this one but I think yes boys can be friends with girls. I think though with males being males there's always a chance you could cross the line and then regret it.

From what I've seen, it's usually the females crossing lines they aren't welcome to cross. Generalizing something like that probably isn't best.

 

[user 115627]

I've  been sitting on the fence for a while with this one but I think yes boys can be friends with girls. I think though with males being males there's always a chance you could cross the line and then regret it.

From what I've seen, it's usually the females crossing lines they aren't welcome to cross. Generalizing something like that probably isn't best.

Now I'd like both of these statements to be clarified. What lines are males crossing (or could be crossed with males) that could lead to regret and for whom?

And what lines are females crossing which they are not welcome to cross?

 

[Celt]

I'm simply talking  about the line between friendship and romance but I expect you already realise this. I only talk from the general male perspective as you can imagine its my only experience and all the males I know are similar to myself.

Here's one possible scenario. Having romantic feelings for someone who had hitherto been a good friend, on an evening out where too much alcohol has impaired ones judgement. 

Probably there are many scenarios. 

I would expect regret on all sides in a case like that.

 

[Celt]

Rodent I'm sure you could think up a scenario too. I would think the mechanics of a friendship between two straight males is bound to be a lot less complicated than that between a straight male and a straight female. Simply because of the strong  male drive to procreate.

Vanilla Creme I would have thought this does not fit with your idea of the females crossing the" line"??

 

[user 115627]

You are right of course, I can think of more scenarios and what you described is what I imagined already. They definitely lead to regret on all sides, not in equal amounts though. Inherent danger of pregnancy/contraceptive failure for women but perhaps more that males put virginity at much lower (or rather negative) value. While they face no direct biological consequence, they can surely end up in 18 years of wage subtraction or being accused of certain crimes.

I didn't want to speculate and Nilla's statement made me wonder when I reread your older post. Necessarily a male-male friendship is less complicated on average, I will actually not speak for female-female friendships. But the higher male sex drive is not the only thing having an impact on complicating mixed friendships. I might also add the male tendency to overestimate attraction from the other party and the female tendency to underestimate said attraction to the pile.

I got some further thoughts, but I think I need to hear Nilla's first.

 

[ardour]

I might also add the male tendency to overestimate attraction from the other party and the female tendency to underestimate said attraction to the pile.

It's easy for men to misinterpret what is merely friendliness  when there's some interest on their part (being that we tend to be less attuned to accurately reading subtexts..and/or possibly deluded). Add alcohol and you have a recipe for a stupid 'confession' of interest with a female friend and resulting ongoing awkwardness. Or, if you're the awkward self-aware type, there's the tendency to the opposite, not to relax and get too close in case anything is misinterpreted as interest. None of this is a problem with other guys obviously.

Very few male friends will turn on you over something as minor as not returning a smile, a misplaced smile, because you said something uniformed or stupid, not being interesting in the last conversation/not continuously proving yourself worthy or their friendship, etc, etc.

Politically motivated 'critiques' emphasis cold competitiveness and hierarchies amongst men, but once you're over 30 those friend circles become generally pretty relaxed and accepting.

 

[user 115627]

It's easy for men to misinterpret what is merely friendliness when there's some interest on their part (being that we tend to be less attuned to accurately reading subtexts..and/or possibly deluded). Add alcohol and you have a recipe for a stupid 'confession' of interest with a female friend and resulting ongoing awkwardness.   Or, if you're the awkward self-aware type,  there's the tendency to the opposite, not to relax and get too close  in case anything is misinterpreted as interest. None of this is a problem with other guys obviously.

Very few male friends will turn on you over something as minor as not returning a smile, a misplaced smile, because you said something uniformed or stupid, not being  interesting in the last conversation/not continuously proving yourself worthy or their friendship, etc, etc.  

Politically motivated 'critiques' emphasis cold competitiveness  and hierarchies amongst men, but  once you're over 30 those friend circles become generally pretty relaxed and accepting.

Agreed, the combination of being infatuated with someone and what you call being less attuned could be quite catastrophic. Between men it's simply not necessary to be attuned cause there is just less or no subtext. Communication can turn out to be pretty pragmatic, makes you wonder how that pans out for gay men with romantic interest.

I never had male friends turn on me for "subtexts" either, not sure how having surrounded myself with geeks and nerds like me for the most part contributed.

Indeed, the competitiveness disappears once you are out of being a "hormone slave". If it was even there in the first place, it certainly wasn't there between my buddies (see point above). It's in your interest to discard the hyper-competitive kind from your circle anyway, they tend to lack loyalty.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I've  been sitting on the fence for a while with this one but I think yes boys can be friends with girls. I think though with males being males there's always a chance you could cross the line and then regret it.

From what I've seen, it's usually the females crossing lines they aren't welcome to cross. Generalizing something like that probably isn't best.

Now I'd like both of these statements to be clarified. What lines are males crossing (or could be crossed with males) that could lead to regret and for whom?

And what lines are females crossing which they are not welcome to cross?

What lines? Any lines someone can cross. Doesn't always have to be romantic. I've seen people try to force simple friendships, which didn't work of course. I hope my post wasn't taken as only women cross boundaries. I know it's not a gender thing, which was the point of my post. I've also witnessed guys do the same. A young kid (at the time) tried to become friends with my friend Nicole. But he was closer to her children's age than to her age, and she wasn't comfortable with it. So, she told him that it wasn't a good idea. She wasn't rude about it at all, but he took it horribly, and the rest of our group didn't much appreciate that.

So it can be anyone, any age, any gender, crossing any line.

 

[user 115627]

What lines? Any lines someone can cross. Doesn't always have to be romantic. I've seen people try to force simple friendships, which didn't work of course. I hope my post wasn't taken as only women cross boundaries. I know it's not a gender thing, which was the point of my post. I've also witnessed guys do the same. A young kid (at the time) tried to become friends with my friend Nicole. But he was closer to her children's age than to her age, and she wasn't comfortable with it. So, she told him that it wasn't a good idea. She wasn't rude about it at all, but he took it horribly, and the rest of our group didn't much appreciate that.

So it can be anyone, any age, any gender, crossing any line.

It was the "It's usually the females crossing lines they aren't welcome to cross" that left me confused. I can certainly imagine scenarios for both sexes and I didn't take it as only women crossing boundaries. Rather that when women cross (all? certain?) boundaries they are more likely to face consequences for it. Are there lines that women specifically are usually not "welcome to cross"? That was the claim I saw in there that seemed worth questioning.

 

[VanillaCreme]

It was the "It's usually the females crossing lines they aren't welcome to cross" that left me confused. I can certainly imagine scenarios for both sexes and I didn't take it as only women crossing boundaries. Rather that when women cross (all? certain?) boundaries they are more likely to face consequences for it. Are there lines that women specifically are usually not "welcome to cross"? That was the claim I saw in there that seemed worth questioning.

I said that because, from what I've seen, it was usually females acting cute and trying to get into a group. There are lines you probably shouldn't cross, male or female. For what it's worth, Rodent, I think you're breaking down what I said too much.

 

[ardour]

"Crossing lines" is almost always something associated with men, for the simple reason that no-one would consider a woman's behaviour threatening regardless of whatever else it might be.

 

[TheRealCallie]

"Crossing lines" is almost always something associated with men, for the simple reason that no-one  would consider a woman's behaviour threatening regardless of whatever else it might be.

What about this girl?
[youtube]Yh0AhrY9GjA[/youtube]

 

[VanillaCreme]

"Crossing lines" is almost always something associated with men, for the simple reason that no-one  would consider a woman's behaviour threatening regardless of whatever else it might be.

My group and I did. Don't know if you read my posts on the issue, but like I previously said, it was more females than males. So some of us do consider behavior like that from women to be just as bad. Because it's not a gender-base issue. It's a "someone's annoying us with their bullshit" issue.

 

[Ignis]

Seems I'm going to have a pretty controversial view, I thought more people would share my view... But I suppose not.

I think for the most part "Friendship" doesn't exist between Men and Women, not true platonic friendship at least. There are exceptions to this of course, Childhood friends, that one person that you've formed a bond with for whatever reason or what's probably the most common in my experience; friendship necessary because of business. But I think that in most circumstances, there are some feelings from either party that keeps them in the friendship, makes them want to build a friendship.
It may be Platonic from one end, but not from the other and I've been on both sides. I've been friends with girls because I liked them, they've been friends with me because they liked me.

I think it's pretty rare that true, platonic relationships with no strings attached actually exists. There's always SOMETHING.

Friendship between Males and Females are very rare I believe, because we're not designed to be that way from a primal level. We're supposed to breed with one another, not befriend one another... Otherwise, how could we continue our species?

 

[roy1986]

Seems I'm going to have a pretty controversial view, I thought more people would share my view... But I suppose not.

I think for the most part "Friendship" doesn't exist between Men and Women, not true platonic friendship at least. There are exceptions to this of course, Childhood friends, that one person that you've formed a bond with for whatever reason or what's probably the most common in my experience; friendship necessary because of business. But I think that in most circumstances, there are some feelings from either party that keeps them in the friendship, makes them want to build a friendship.
It may be Platonic from one end, but not from the other and I've been on both sides. I've been friends with girls because I liked them, they've been friends with me because they liked me.

I think it's pretty rare that true, platonic relationships with no strings attached actually exists. There's always SOMETHING.

Friendship between Males and Females are very rare I believe, because we're not designed to be that way from a primal level. We're supposed to breed with one another, not befriend one another... Otherwise, how could we continue our species?

I agree, in a way it is against our very nature, even though some men might be drawn to it because sometimes when it comes to 
the matters of the heart, it is much easier to talk to a woman instead of with someone you consider a bro.
However, eventually, at least for me, it gets to a point where I see beyond and develop feelings and the sexual desires I always have get intensified, that's why I don't see myself able to be in such a relationship. 

Though, I do think that it's a male issue and not a female issue, I see many women with close guy friends and they seem to have no feelings toward them, many of them use these guys for boosting their confidence, as well as having a cash-free psychiatrist, and some just enjoy a good conversation.
Regardless, the men involved in such relationship seem pretty sad, like they are hoping that one day she will give them a second thought while ignoring their right to be in a real honest relationship. 
I don't know if these women are really that naive to think the guys don't want them or they just choose to ignore it.