Do you think about what others think of you?

[catwixen]

I do this quite often...sort of imagine what others are thinking of me. If I catch myself doing this I try to challenge it. I do not think it is healthy. Especially when I am imposing my beliefs on what another might be thinking of me.
If I can let go of these "projection" thoughts, my anxiety usually decreases.
I would really like to know if this is common for people who are shy and have anxieties.
Do you do it too? How do you handle it?
Thanx
cat

 

[spuzzwink]

I often find myself altering my behaviour slightly to accomodate others' characters and in theory make them more comfortable around me, thereby making me feel more "liked" and thus more comfortable myself. I really hate the fact I find it difficult to simply be myself regardless of what anyone thinks, for fear they will reject me socially. It happens a lot in work and I think it's part of the reason I find people so exhausting; I'm constantly working subconsciously to try to meet their expectations!

 

[catwixen]

Yep ^ it is exhausting! To try please everyone is hard work....glad I am not on my own in this. Thankyou spuzzwink.

 

[spuzzwink]

If I can let go of these "projection" thoughts, my anxiety usually decreases.

Do you have any methods of letting the thoughts go? Sometimes I'm so consumed with worry about what other people are thinking about me, I can't concentrate on anything else! Like if someone asks me a question which requires some calculation, I become really flustered and can't think about the question because I'm so busy thinking "they must think I'm really stupid for taking this long", and I just take even longer to answer! This was a real problem for me in school and I remember dreading being asked a question, no matter how simple.

 

[catwixen]

Absolutely I suffer the same thoughts....thinking about what they might be thinking instead of the question at hand. It is so frustrating!
I do not have an answer for at the particular time it is happening. being flustered makes it hard to think rationally and calm the situation. I guess I practise my awareness when pondering thoughts at home by myself. If I am daydreaming about meeting up with someone I know...and catch myself projecting, I try to think more rationally. Realise that those thoughts are my insecurity and not reality.
Does that make sense? LOL I must sound silly if others do not do this daydreaming.
Case in point...I have the opportunity to meet some internet friends in the next few weeks...I have been imagining all sorts of horrible thoughts they might have about me. I wrote them today and said I cannot do it, I cannot meet them, so in effect, I gave into my fears. They both wrote back and their response was so nice and devoid of judgment, I can see it is all my projections causing the problem.
Our minds do much more damage than any other person could do. I think awareness of this is very important to combat the problem. Just simple awareness. And it does not have to be "at the time" of a problem. I think if we can reflect at home...it helps.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

It just takes pratice.
It's one of the most common recovery tools or coping skills.

here are some slogons....

"don't let people rent space in your head"
" what others think of me is none of my bussiness"

Being in the moment or assisting in projections..,,

One foot in tomorrow and the other foot in yesterday = pissing all over today.
Stay in the moment and lower your expectations.

Meditations helps...

There's nothing wrong with dreaming or daydreaming...it's healthy to a certain degree.
It's what gives us hope...or pre planing.

As long as you know...it's not going to be exactly like you thought it was going to be.

 

[catwixen]

"What others think of me is none of my business"....I really like that one.
It is true...people thoughts are their own...we have no power to alter peoples private thoughts. We only have the power to control our own thoughts.

 

[Nyktimos]

It helped me a little to see the trait in others. My girlfriend and a guy I work with are both constantly acting according to what they want others to think of them, and seeing it in them helped me see it in myself. In the case of my girlfriend, she doesn't see it in herself at all, so it controls her even more. The guy I work with is renowned for dodging difficult situations and doing things wrong, but it's because so much of his mind is considering what he can do that will make him look better instead of what gets the job done. Ultimately, he ends up looking worse, but because I can relate to his difficulties I'm defending him to others all the time. He at least knows he has a problem. The people most eager to slag him down to others are those who deep down are trying to draw attention from their own faults, so they have the same problem in a way.

In some ways, I think getting past this trait in myself is the single biggest challenge I have.

 

[catwixen]

^ I still have the issue...age 41. it is very ingrained. I wonder if we are taught to be people pleasers as children, say to get our parents love, is it so ingrained as to be insurmountable? I like to think not....but find it the most difficult challenge I have too.
I think patience with ourselves helps a lot. it is not something that can be dealt with overnight. I feel it is probably a lifelong challenge.
Nyktimos...I like the support you have for your friend. of course it would be hard for him, as it is for us who share that situation. An understanding friend is invaluable.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

the first step in the 12 step program...such as codependency...

I'm powerless over , people, places and things and my life had become unmanageable.

It's pretty straight forward and simple....
But lets say if you been exposed to living with a drunk or an alocholic a lot of your life....
you're thinking becomes twisted or unhealthy...
It's insane to think and worry about what a drunk thinks about you...lmao ( I can laugh at myself now...it's healing)
But there's such a strong emotional attachment....let say if one of your parent is a drunk
or your partner is a drunk..
They'll just blurr out stuff that's not in your best interest and a lot of times hurtful things...and forget the next
day....but the co-dependent will take it to heart.

If you where a child growning up in an alcoholic home...you're parent or care taker is bascailly your GOD or authority.
A drunken god...can really mess up a person or kid. A child seeks love, approval and acceptence from the parent.
In this way...a codendency becomes mentally and emotional damaged.( sick)
Then a child grows up physically and simply seeks out a partner that has simular traits as the child's parent.
Becuase living like that was NORMAL to them...lol ( We are products of our enviorments to a certain degree).
To break that cycle...is like getting reborn. GETTING WELL is like going against the grain.
A codendent has an extreem case of seeking twisted love...lmao
The **** devil with a blue on dress looks might smexy to me..

Applying the principle of being powerless over people (alcoholics love ones)...simply free you from the attachments or insanity. In this way your thoughts and emotions won't get strung alone by an alcoholic.

Recgonitions is the first step. ( no longer living in denial).
It's simply becomes a matter of breaking the chains or habits.
It also depends on the indiviual.....the vari degree of obsession and complusive an indiviual may have.
When a person trys to break a habit...(any habits)...that indiviual will go through a degress of withdraws..

Mental and emotional withdraws...

Just like ...Nykimos stated in about her co-worker...
"LOOKING GOOD ON THE OUTSIDE AND ALL messed UP ON THE INSIDE"..
An alocholic has an extreem chase of that character...lol

A codedendent is sicker than the alcoholic sometimes (enabling).
The codendent helps the alocholic cover up the crime sceen.(seeking approval from the alki) lmao

To break the cycle...it all comes back to LOVING OURSELVES first and formost.
The more we love and accept ourselves...the less we worry about what others thinks of us.

 

[Nyktimos]

Nyktimos...I like the support you have for your friend. of course it would be hard for him, as it is for us who share that situation. An understanding friend is invaluable.

Thing is, he's not even a friend. Just a colleague. And I don't like working with him. He over does saying thankyou and explaining why he's done things even though he's done nothing wrong. And he's over helpfull, trying to do my work which I can do fine rather than getting on with other things that he should be doing, and always wanting to be around me so I can tell him what to do because it takes the pressure off him to risk thinking for himself and doing something wrong. Because I've felt those same feelings in myself I just try to guide him through. I know he's got bigger problems. What gets my back up is how quickly other people will jump at the opportunity to put him down, when a lot of the time they are just as bad as he is but can't see it in themselves. They're the ones I don't feel sorry for. Some people need to take a good look at themselves instead of focusing on the failings of others.

 

[catwixen]

Oh well then you are very kind for being so patient with him. Do you need to set some boundaries though? Does it affect you badly?

 

[Nyktimos]

Far too busy setting boundaries for myself most of the time. I sympathise with his plight because, in a lesser way, it's my plight. Plus, I've noticed if you make him feel useful he becomes far more useful, because he stops thinking so much about what people think of him. I try hard, very hard, to stop thinking about what others think of me, but learning how much it affects me was a long journey. And being aware of it doesn't make it go away, it's just the start. It's one of those things that I think is in everyone, but spirals out of control in some of us and takes over who we are.

And I think it is caused by the association between what people think of us and what we can get from them in return. The more we need others to like us, the more likely we are to push them away. It sucks!

 

[Unacceptance]

If they aren't feeding me or taking care of my bills their opinion is distant input at best.

 

[luciddisconnect]

I get paranoid about what certain people think of me. Particularly co-workers. Sometimes I get automatic thoughts just inadvertently running through my head. Like: You lazy ******* prick, why don't you do more around here. When we're carrying the whole workload. You are so pathetic. Etc. Etc. It's maddening.

And later I remind myself that other people can't see inside me and see what a wreck I really am. And for the most part I appear composed to them, aside from the occasional mumbling to myself.

 

[Lost in the Oilfield]

I often find myself altering my behaviour slightly to accomodate others' characters and in theory make them more comfortable around me, thereby making me feel more "liked" and thus more comfortable myself. I really hate the fact I find it difficult to simply be myself regardless of what anyone thinks, for fear they will reject me socially. It happens a lot in work and I think it's part of the reason I find people so exhausting; I'm constantly working subconsciously to try to meet their expectations!

Yeah, these could be my words. I can even catch myself altering my accent or speech to accommodate. Though the social rejection part is beginning to bother me less and less with each passing year. Eventually I'm sure I just won't give a **** what anyone thinks.

 

[catwixen]

I get lost sometimes in my chameleon personas.
If I get involved in an online debate..I can absolutely agree with one point of view, then see another point of view and agree with that too. Sometimes it is scary because I have been adapting to others for so long, that I do not think I ever developed a real me.
I am definitely myself when alone...but with other people I seem to disappear.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Well...there's charm, knowing your gate keepers and there's ass kissing.

I simply just have to get honest and check my motives. What is it that I want ?
Honey attract bees.. (In my case, boobies attract me.)
You have it the Ass sets and I wanna task it.
There's attractions and there's promoting.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Oh my, are those charmers..

 

[Van Hooligan X]

Oh my, are those charmers..

#14 on my 'things to do before i die list': Successfully read a whole post by Lonesome Crow'


took awhile but i was patient enough to wait until he didn't write 50 lines. thank u lol