Energy

[mimizu]

I wish I could watch anime, but I can't last watching a video for 25 minutes...

I wish I could listen to music, but searching for music is too hard, and I am bored of my old music.

I wish I could read, but reading is too tiresome for me and I can't focus.

I wish I could go outside... but no one is waiting for me there. After 1 hour at the park or at the beach alone it gets pretty boring... so I come back home, where I have nothing to do either.

Also, I can't go out because I have no good clothes and no money to buy them, and everything I wear looks bad on me. Nobody wants to associate with me.

I wish I could play games... but I'm no good at games.. after half a hour I give up. Being bad at games upsets me and makes me feel worthless. One time I played some flash game about a bunny that jumps on clouds, and I got only 16,000 points while the girl who showed me that game got 2 million.. I can't play FPS online because everybody would just cut me up, and I can't play MMORPG's, because it's boring alone and because I can never be persistent enough to get a high level... the highest I ever got was level 32 in Conquer Online. I have no idea how people get to level 100... -_-

I wish I could go to work but I can't find a job. But even if I found a job I would probably last only 2 or 3 weeks at max... I wouldn't be able to bear the boss yelling at me and all my coworkers ostracizing me (or worse, making fun of me) every day.

I wish I could improve my self esteem, so that somebody would associate with me, and I would have more energy to play games and watch things, making me happier... because if you live a fuller life, you get more energy to do even more things... but it takes a lot of work and patience to build up your confidence.. and I don't have the energy for that. +_+

I wish I could learn something new, but learning is a lot of investment... I have no energy for that, and I have no energy to read long things. I usually have like 7 wikepedia pages open, and I never read any wikipedia article fully... I just can't. I always have many many browser tabs open because I can't read anything in a single gulp, so I leave it "for later", then just open something new... etc. I hate having so many tabs. Eventually I just close them all and then I have nothing interesting to read.

I wish I could learn a craft, like building models, or electronics... but again, no motivation, no idea where to purchase the materials... etc.

My life is so empty and pointless... I wake up, and just spend a whole day being bored numb until I go to sleep again...

I wish I could die, but I'm scared of going to hell, and I can't think of a good method.

 

[Krossknife]

Hi mimzu,
Fisrt of all you are not worthless! And many of us have that same problem in a lot of ways. I am afraind of failure so I tend not to take any actions a lot, but you seem like a smart and very energetic person to me!! You are not alone in this world there are many ppl who will talk at ya if ya need. You can pm me or send me a message I can talk with ya? I know it is not the same as face to face but maybe it can do some good. Many of us suck at many things including me, but that just means we havent found what we were meant to do. Like I said in one of my posts about the suicide bit, if this is hell to us now then if there is a hell what if it is about a 100 times as worse than this now? Anyways you are a great person in many ways just reading ur post I could recognize many things of how you feel and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and you are worth a lot!!!

 

[mimizu]

Nah, there is no point in PMing, I have nothing to talk about anyway.

 

[Krossknife]

Ok I understand. Well if ya ever need to chat ill be there!!

 

[kaviii]

I can't play MMORPG's, because it's boring alone and because I can never be persistent enough to get a high level... the highest I ever got was level 32 in Conquer Online. I have no idea how people get to level 100... -_-

Would money make you persistant? I heard you can get alot of money selling your account once your character is high level

 

[thebadartist]

You have to find something you're interested in, mimizu. My life's been a lonely pit of hell for as long as I can remember, but I know if I gave up my hobbies (writing, drawing and, heh, Neopets) I'd feel even worse. You need a distraction from your problems, if it works only for a precious moment.

 

[BrokenDreams]

My life's been a lonely pit of hell for as long as I can remember, but I know if I gave up my hobbies (writing, drawing and, heh, Neopets) I'd feel even worse. You need a distraction from your problems, if it works only for a precious moment.

Oooh! I love going on Neopets! It is really distracting, it helps me get my mind off some problems I'm facing. And I stink at pretty much any video game invented (except Animal Crossing) but I still play video games when I'm bored. I really have no talents, I stink miserably at anything I attempt to do, so I know how you feel.

I understand about the park thing. I'll usually go to the park when I'm bored and swing on the swing. I'm pretty sure everyone on my street things I'm weird.

 

[emotionless]

@mimizu: You're not worthless, and don't be anti-social (PLEASE!)
@BrokenDreams: Everyone has a hidden talent dude!
@thebadartist: Neopets is fun!
@Krossknife: Nice try buddy

 

[SadRabbit]

Hey mimizu, if you want i can exchange songs with you... what songs do you hear...usually JPop or JRock... I have a couple of english songs but hunting for Jap songs lol... maybe if you want can do a swap of songs =)

 

[snow]

I wish I could play games... but I'm no good at games.. after half a hour I give up. Being bad at games upsets me and makes me feel worthless. One time I played some flash game about a bunny that jumps on clouds, and I got only 16,000 points while the girl who showed me that game got 2 million.. I can't play FPS online because everybody would just cut me up, and I can't play MMORPG's, because it's boring alone and because I can never be persistent enough to get a high level... the highest I ever got was level 32 in Conquer Online. I have no idea how people get to level 100... -_-

I know what you mean about video games...I am absolutely horrible with most of them, I am THE WORST when playing against any of my friends. Even if I've played something before and had a good amount of practice someone that's never played before will usually beat me.
It really brings me down, I don't know why I still get excited when someone wants to play me at a game. I'm ok at chess but that's only because my friends don't really bother with it.

I play City of Heroes, it's a MMORPG that I find fun. It's pretty simplistic so that keeps me interested in it. I've played two years on and off and I'm only a level 24 lol.

So Mimizu, try to not think about the future so much. Start living in the present. =)

 

[lonelygirl]

Mimi,

These sound like classic symptoms of depression. If you feel tired all the time and unable to focus, you have clinical depression. You need some meds and some therapy to deal with this.

You ARE a good person. Suicide is ALWAYS wrong. You have so much to live for, my little brother!

Hugs,

LG.