Feel like giving up on people

[cookie]

Very insightful, indeed. Even for those who are pretty closed off emotionally, it's interesting to read your thoughts on what we show to others about ourselves.

Thank you. For me it is still a difficult way to go. I mean no matter how much disappointed I was and how sad about peoples reaction it brought me to this "result" that in the end I have the "control" on the way I was being treated. Of course not to forget, people are different and there are people who just can't relate to some emotions of the very much I have lol
I got it now, I am not like most people I've met and I definitely made some wrong choices concerning "friends". But how will you learn when not trying?! It's called social "skills" and like any other skill, you need to learn. I admit this is no easy skill to achieve because we are all individuals. Just try to see it from another perspective. The Glass with wunderfull people is half full not empty.

And you need to fall but don't forget to stand up and hold your head up high. Accepting oneself with all the good and the bad sides, because nobody is perfect neither am I. I don't have the intention to preach something here, this is the way I often talk to myself...just to remind my inner me that there is always a way to make it better. As I said it's not always working, BUT that is ok too. Just another part of me which feels sad and that's ok (pats herself)....

And yes I agree with you Lonesomecrow and it's interesting when I've read your posts I remembered a quote by Abraham Lincoln, which describes exactly what you said about the "power-switch"....: "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."

Being close to the family is truely helping me alot these days. I never had a good relationship to them, but this year we are slowly getting closer and meeting each other, without fighting. It's like we all got tired of fighting and we finally accepted each other as the way we are. This makes me happy even though it's one of my sadest times again, it helps me.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Im not perfect at it.Far from it.
I still have my moments.
..
Yeap we all learn whatever we learn at our own pace. I learn as I go and the answers anrt alway black N white..

Yeap. I dont beat up myself for falling shot of whatever. Just so much better
this way.

Yeap. My family are sort of wacked
in their own ways.

 

[Calm]

Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me. I am nice to friends and treat them how I would want to be treated. It is never reciprocal though. It feels like it is always me giving and giving and never getting anything back in return. These people will go to a movie but don't invite me. They will go out to eat and not invite me etc. When I have a problem they don't listen. How come I am good enough to walk their dog or listen to their problems or help them out but I am not good enough to be invited anywhere with them? It feels like nice people finish last. I have tried to ask them to go somewhere with me but it is like we'll go next week etc but it never happens. I am working on cutting ties with these people but it is hard to make friends when you are not very outgoing.

I am not entirely certain, but it could be that while being overly nice to people, they just forget you. People generally remember interesting, sudden, mysterious or even bad things. There must be something bad for the nice to show up. Otherwise its just boring line and no-one will notice. You have to speak up or become nobody.

Did they ask for your help in the first place? Don't just be their voluntary *****, there needs to be some common ground of understandment, some activity of sharing. If friendshiip is based on just helping, like you put it: "I help you, listen to you etc, so you have to ask me out and hang around", its not friendship, its a form of contract. Right now you feel they have broken the contract they actually have not signed. Stop expecting stuff and things will change for the better. Eventually you will change your mindset, being not concerned with expectations you set, and therefore can concentrate on stuff that makes you happy. Eventually you will be happy and will find some happyness to share.

Loneliness is a very bad dead circle that is hard to break off. People like happy people, who are not needy. But if you already feel alone, you already are needy...

 

[beans]

Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me. I am nice to friends and treat them how I would want to be treated. It is never reciprocal though. It feels like it is always me giving and giving and never getting anything back in return. These people will go to a movie but don't invite me. They will go out to eat and not invite me etc. When I have a problem they don't listen. How come I am good enough to walk their dog or listen to their problems or help them out but I am not good enough to be invited anywhere with them? It feels like nice people finish last. I have tried to ask them to go somewhere with me but it is like we'll go next week etc but it never happens. I am working on cutting ties with these people but it is hard to make friends when you are not very outgoing.

I am not entirely certain, but it could be that while being overly nice to people, they just forget you. People generally remember interesting, sudden, mysterious or even bad things. There must be something bad for the nice to show up. Otherwise its just boring line and no-one will notice. You have to speak up or become nobody.

Did they ask for your help in the first place? Don't just be their voluntary *****, there needs to be some common ground of understandment, some activity of sharing. If friendshiip is based on just helping, like you put it: "I help you, listen to you etc, so you have to ask me out and hang around", its not friendship, its a form of contract. Right now you feel they have broken the contract they actually have not signed. Stop expecting stuff and things will change for the better. Eventually you will change your mindset, being not concerned with expectations you set, and therefore can concentrate on stuff that makes you happy. Eventually you will be happy and will find some happyness to share.

Loneliness is a very bad dead circle that is hard to break off. People like happy people, who are not needy. But if you already feel alone, you already are needy...

Your advice is very sound until the last line.

People feel alone for different reasons. Needing and desiring friends are two different things. And I don't think that being alone or lonely means you are needy.

Nothing wrong for people to want to connect with friends who accept them and enjoy their company. I think that is what the OP is looking for and everyone else here I believe and sometimes that is pretty hard to find because like you said, everyone is having expectations of a friend:

1) can't be too nice
2) have to be interesting
3) gotta speak up
4) and you have to have friends first before you can have friends
5) can't be a loner etc
6) can't have expectations


So I am not surprised why the OP has a tough time looking for friends.

 

[jjam]

being "needy" might not be the right idea but "more susceptible to a greater degree of disappointment" might be

 

[elvatomasloco]

i know how you feel, im friendless because i gaved up on people already but at least i know why i would get rejected for my personal issue,


i dont think no one here can tell you what your problem is because the problem its you

you like the word "freedom" right,, you probably think "i be what ever i wanna be"

well life has rules and regulations and you cant play that total freedom thingy because youll be failing at the game

remember to play by the rules

when you are with some one you gotta have equal power and respect towards each other or you become "that" slave that never gets heard or anything

you are like a dog, humans dont like dogs kus they act nice sometimes but act like total freedom, they honeysuckle anywhere they want, they do watever they which makes em annoying to share equal emotions with

you are a tool to your friends i believe

so ligthen up the day

now i aint advertising this book, but i gotta say if youre clue less of wat i just told you or you think you dont know the answer to how people really see you then google this book

"winning through enlightenment"


its a really old book but it basicly shows you how to live a day and a life

you will learn alot about your self and society by reading this book

i am a fat short guy with acne, and a miserable life but you know what
after i read this book im probably as happy as someone getting laid which is something i havent done kuz ima virgin

and

I NOW FEEL LIKE I KNOW WHAT IM DOING
AND HOW IM DOING IT

 

[ardour]

It's a vicious cycle ;

Nobody wants to be your friend if you don't already have friends.

You can't be needy or show even the slightest bit of concern over the matter (how exactly do you fake not caring when you haven't had a conversation for months).

You have to be all things - fun, interesting, interested in them, but emotionally independent...

 

[beans]

It's a viciouse cycle ;

Nobody wants to be your friend if you don't already have friends.

You can't be needy or show even the slightest bit of concern over the matter (how exactly do you fake not caring when you haven't had a conversation for months).

You have to be all things - fun, interesting, interested in them, but emotionally independent...

Well, generally I would say, yes don't show that you're lonely and don't say anything about it.

But if you do find someone who is kind and probably understands you, go for it, but do not use the big L word. I sometimes catch people saying things like this:


"Oh since I came back from another country, all my friends seem to be doing their own thing."

or

"Oh yeah a lot of my friends are now married and just don't have as much free time..."

A lot of times, you can tell that these people are also looking for friends.

So you can always drop hints that you are looking for more friends but not necessarily mention you are LONELY.

If you don't say it, people think you are just dropping by, not really looking and hence, they won't bother to invite you to other things. But if they do know you are also looking for friendships, they'll keep you in mind. If they're nice.

 

[ardour]

Friends provide a kind of gateway to more friends for obvious reasons ; meeting new people through a current circle, or while out socialising with them. Starting out with some buddies puts a person in an emotional state where it's easier to make more of them, or deal with rejections. Kind of like "My friends think I'm worthwhile - if things don't work out with this or that person it doesn't matter " Your are secure and hence likeable. It's a different story when you are alone - when few have considered you worthy of their friendship so far (or for a very long time) And no, the words " I'm lonely" or anything crazy like that will never leave my mouth. Like many, I'm conscious of not appearing needy, to the point of unintentionally appearing cold sometimes. Thanks for your thoughts.