How do you accept the fact that you'll be single forever?

[Locke]

I think maybe 4 years ago, I was in that place. Only I blamed everyone. I blamed all the loud, obnoxious Jersey Shore extras for being the arrogant showboating jerks they are, and yeah. I blamed the women that lavished them with attention for generally being shallow instead of looking deeper for a nicer person such as myself (spoiler alert: I'm actually not nice).

Just about everyone - men and women - has been in that place at least once in their lives. Some people longer than others. The key is getting out of that angry, bitter place.

You seem nicer in this thread than I have been, so you couldn't be too bad!

Nowadays, I've come to accept that my shortcomings in love are exactly that-mine. Not the result of any individual, group, or entire gender. It's all on me, and as such, require a measure of personal responsibility. Alot of the decisions I've made in the past have been dictated by fear. But, as the saying goes. Fear is an emotion. Cowardice is a choice.

Thank you for putting it so well, better than I could have. To me, it doesn't ultimately matter if my problems are my fault or not. They are my responsibility. If I waste too much time complaining about them, I'll have less time to solve them or come to terms with them and enjoy my life. Those who deny personal responsibility almost never escape their problems or the blame game, which is the point I was trying to make in my first post.

 

[Amthorn]

OmG no wonder most of you are single! The whole thread has turned into a gender war.

Immediate make up orgy, now! SHEESH

 

[VanillaCreme]

It typically is, like it or not.

Maybe typically, but not always.

Did it ever occur to some guys that if they wanted something - to tell a female she looked nice, or a cup of coffee out, or a date or something - that all they have to do is ask? We're not monsters. If y'all don't want to ask for whatever reason - I don't care what reason, nerves, thinking she'll say no, I don't care - then that's on you. You want something? You ask. Least that can happen is a no. If you get a positive response, then you're pleasantly surprised for the day.

Yes but you only ask if you have a chance of a positive answer.

If I went to my boss tomorrow and asked for a 1000% pay rise, do you think he will say 'yes, sure' ?

That's why I generally don't ask women out. I know what the answer will be. It's a waste of time. If I really do like somebody I will ask just to get it out the way so I can move on when they say 'no'

A pay raise and a date are two different things. If you want to relate getting a date to money, I guess that's fine. But, they're really two different things. Besides, it's the point of asking that was my point. Whether you get a yes or no is irrelevant. You could get a yes for a raise - you never know. And you could get a yes for a date - you never know. You're only absolutely guaranteed a negative outcome if you never ask.

That was my point. But if you always expect and seemingly want no for an answer, that's your problem, not the problem of anyone else.

 

[Triple Bogey]

It typically is, like it or not.

Maybe typically, but not always.

Did it ever occur to some guys that if they wanted something - to tell a female she looked nice, or a cup of coffee out, or a date or something - that all they have to do is ask? We're not monsters. If y'all don't want to ask for whatever reason - I don't care what reason, nerves, thinking she'll say no, I don't care - then that's on you. You want something? You ask. Least that can happen is a no. If you get a positive response, then you're pleasantly surprised for the day.

Yes but you only ask if you have a chance of a positive answer.

If I went to my boss tomorrow and asked for a 1000% pay rise, do you think he will say 'yes, sure' ?

That's why I generally don't ask women out. I know what the answer will be. It's a waste of time. If I really do like somebody I will ask just to get it out the way so I can move on when they say 'no'

A pay raise and a date are two different things. If you want to relate getting a date to money, I guess that's fine. But, they're really two different things. Besides, it's the point of asking that was my point. Whether you get a yes or no is irrelevant. You could get a yes for a raise - you never know. And you could get a yes for a date - you never know. You're only absolutely guaranteed a negative outcome if you never ask.

That was my point. But if you always expect and seemingly want no for an answer, that's your problem, not the problem of anyone else.

The pay rise was an example I used. Not really relevant.

No I believe asking pointless questions is indeed pointless and a waste of time. I have better things to do. Imagine if I asked out all the single women at work plus all the customers who I knew were single ?

I don't think I would keep my job long.

I say if you like somebody and they seem friendly and there is a chance then go for it otherwise don't bother and save yourself the hassle.

---

There are plenty of women who never get a second glance either.

^ True.

my standards are all to do with personality not looks.

=/ Maybe I mistook your meaning, but that doesn't ring true to me:

If her worst fault is that she seems down all the time or lacks a "sparkling" personality then I think you're maybe being a bit hard on her, but if you don't like her, you don't like her. *Shrug*.

Her worst fault (to me) is I find her physically repulsive. That does sound harsh. I am not proud of it but I am been honest. I don't like tall, big women.

I'm not saying you shouldn't have physical standards or that your standards are too high, but you apparently do have them.

I'm not trying to put you on the spot, but how will it help to discuss these things if we're not going to be real?

She's a miserable, boring person so I don't like her because of that. Not totally about her looks. Maybe a touch but not all the reasons.

---

*sigh*
That kind of stuff happens to us ladies as well.

Edit: Note TB's "big tall women" comment. As Ive said before, (it's been said in other threads) being tall and overweight, that remark is pretty hurtful.

But it makes my point PERFECTLY that women get the same treatment that men do.

Edit 2: In fact, the more I think about it, the more pissed off I become. Men haven't cornered the market on getting the weird looks, the shameful treatment and ugly comments (read: "I find them repulsive.")
So the next time someone wants to suggest that men have it worse when it comes to honeysuckle like that, think again. :club:

I think men do have it worse. But not by that much. Women do get remarks all the time. It's sad but it happens.

 

[VanillaCreme]

The pay rise was an example I used. Not really relevant.

No I believe asking pointless questions is indeed pointless and a waste of time. I have better things to do. Imagine if I asked out all the single women at work plus all the customers who I knew were single ?

I don't think I would keep my job long.

I say if you like somebody and they seem friendly and there is a chance then go for it otherwise don't bother and save yourself the hassle.

I think you take things to the extreme. Why would you ask everyone? It's not pointless, but if you believe it is, then that's on you. I went after what I wanted, and got it. If I didn't, then I couldn't sit there and cry about how he never paid me any mind. I wanted something done, so I did it myself. If it went the other way, then hell, at least I tried. Moving on from person to person, and being completely desperate about it, was not part of my point though.

 

[Triple Bogey]

All you ever post is misogynistic, hate-filled garbage. People don't like that.

Nope, not actually accurate, I give general thoughts/advice.. such as it is.

You turn up on a semi regular basis, arrogantly pick someone apart then disappear.

A disagree with Locke. I think ardour is one of the few people who really understand what 'us' unattractive guys have to go through. I like his posts.

---

The pay rise was an example I used. Not really relevant.

No I believe asking pointless questions is indeed pointless and a waste of time. I have better things to do. Imagine if I asked out all the single women at work plus all the customers who I knew were single ?

I don't think I would keep my job long.

I say if you like somebody and they seem friendly and there is a chance then go for it otherwise don't bother and save yourself the hassle.

I think you take things to the extreme. Why would you ask everyone? It's not pointless, but if you believe it is, then that's on you. I went after what I wanted, and got it. If I didn't, then I couldn't sit there and cry about how he never paid me any mind. I wanted something done, so I did it myself. If it went the other way, then hell, at least I tried. Moving on from person to person, and being completely desperate about it, was not part of my point though.

I think I've asked most of the women I've wanted to date over the years. I'm naturally shy so approaching somebody was always hard. I think there has to be a flicker of interest from the other person. That's my point. And If I have to moan it's I don't ever see that 'flicker of interest', never have. Maybe when I was younger but I was too shy to do anything about it. Honestly if I thought a woman liked me I would ask them for a date. It's the tactics I've used for the last 30 years. Maybe I should change them ?

 

[johnny196775Again]

if your walking around in life thinking your an ugly piece of crap then people will notice something is wrong and leave you the hell alone.


Just saying.

 

[Triple Bogey]

if your walking around in life thinking your an ugly piece of crap then people will notice something is wrong and leave you the hell alone.


Just saying.

but what if you are an ugly piece of crap ?

 

[johnny196775Again]

There are a lot of people, like myself, who don't give a poop what someone looks like. i feel in love with my boyfriends brain. Not his body. Looks only mean a lot to someone who is shallow. i am sorry if that insults anyone here but that is my opinion.

 

[ninako]

poop

sorrynotsorry

 

[Amthorn]

All you ever post is misogynistic, hate-filled garbage. People don't like that.

Nope, not actually accurate, I give general thoughts/advice.. such as it is.

You turn up on a semi regular basis, arrogantly pick someone apart then disappear.

A disagree with Locke. I think ardour is one of the few people who really understand what 'us' unattractive guys have to go through. I like his posts.

---

The pay rise was an example I used. Not really relevant.

No I believe asking pointless questions is indeed pointless and a waste of time. I have better things to do. Imagine if I asked out all the single women at work plus all the customers who I knew were single ?

I don't think I would keep my job long.

I say if you like somebody and they seem friendly and there is a chance then go for it otherwise don't bother and save yourself the hassle.

I think you take things to the extreme. Why would you ask everyone? It's not pointless, but if you believe it is, then that's on you. I went after what I wanted, and got it. If I didn't, then I couldn't sit there and cry about how he never paid me any mind. I wanted something done, so I did it myself. If it went the other way, then hell, at least I tried. Moving on from person to person, and being completely desperate about it, was not part of my point though.

I think I've asked most of the women I've wanted to date over the years. I'm naturally shy so approaching somebody was always hard. I think there has to be a flicker of interest from the other person. That's my point. And If I have to moan it's I don't ever see that 'flicker of interest', never have. Maybe when I was younger but I was too shy to do anything about it. Honestly if I thought a woman liked me I would ask them for a date. It's the tactics I've used for the last 30 years. Maybe I should change them ?

---

You can't fool me with this whole lonely ugly guy routine Boge! You're a love em and leave em type, I just know it! You animal!

 

[Triple Bogey]

All you ever post is misogynistic, hate-filled garbage. People don't like that.

Nope, not actually accurate, I give general thoughts/advice.. such as it is.

You turn up on a semi regular basis, arrogantly pick someone apart then disappear.

A disagree with Locke. I think ardour is one of the few people who really understand what 'us' unattractive guys have to go through. I like his posts.

---

The pay rise was an example I used. Not really relevant.

No I believe asking pointless questions is indeed pointless and a waste of time. I have better things to do. Imagine if I asked out all the single women at work plus all the customers who I knew were single ?

I don't think I would keep my job long.

I say if you like somebody and they seem friendly and there is a chance then go for it otherwise don't bother and save yourself the hassle.

I think you take things to the extreme. Why would you ask everyone? It's not pointless, but if you believe it is, then that's on you. I went after what I wanted, and got it. If I didn't, then I couldn't sit there and cry about how he never paid me any mind. I wanted something done, so I did it myself. If it went the other way, then hell, at least I tried. Moving on from person to person, and being completely desperate about it, was not part of my point though.

I think I've asked most of the women I've wanted to date over the years. I'm naturally shy so approaching somebody was always hard. I think there has to be a flicker of interest from the other person. That's my point. And If I have to moan it's I don't ever see that 'flicker of interest', never have. Maybe when I was younger but I was too shy to do anything about it. Honestly if I thought a woman liked me I would ask them for a date. It's the tactics I've used for the last 30 years. Maybe I should change them ?

---

You can't fool me with this whole lonely ugly guy routine Boge! You're a love em and leave em type, I just know it! You animal!

---

my secret is out !

 

[VanillaCreme]

if your walking around in life thinking your an ugly piece of crap then people will notice something is wrong and leave you the hell alone.


Just saying.

Completely agree. If someone has an off-putting attitude about them, many people can pick up on that. It's really nothing to do with being ugly, but if the attitude about it horrible, people can usually sense that. I'm not pretty, and the one time I actually was asked out, it turned out to be a joke - literally. But my attitude about it has never been focused around it.

 

[Triple Bogey]

if your walking around in life thinking your an ugly piece of crap then people will notice something is wrong and leave you the hell alone.


Just saying.

Completely agree. If someone has an off-putting attitude about them, many people can pick up on that. It's really nothing to do with being ugly, but if the attitude about it horrible, people can usually sense that. I'm not pretty, and the one time I actually was asked out, it turned out to be a joke - literally. But my attitude about it has never been focused around it.

You've just proved my point. You say you are not pretty and you've only been asked out once and that was a joke. You seem a really nice person though. So your 'looks' are making it harder for you to attract somebody. BINGO !

And everybody and his dog say it's all about personality. You are saying it ! People need to wake up. Looks are an advantage. Anybody who thinks otherwise needs to stop dreaming. In an ideal world maybe but many people are shallow.

Your point about a bad attitude. I think somebody who is miserable all the time will find it hard to make any friends. That's true. Not arguing with that. Truth is I am not like that at all. In fact I am a very happy person in real life, always jovial, interested and interesting. I can tell people like me. But there is a big difference between somebody liking you and somebody wanting to date you. Seems that way anyway.

I know some people will say 'you think you are ugly, people can sense it' - what utter crap ! Hell of a lot of people are pessimistic and miserable. I am like this ray of shinning light at work, making people laugh. I joke all the time. Tomorrow morning on the till 9am until noon, yakking away about everything under the sun, people leaving the shop with a smile on their face. Women laughing, people coming to my till on purpose which happens. So I haven't got a bad attitude. Yes maybe on here but that's the point of the place.

Anyway time for bed.

 

[johnny196775Again]

People who look like super models have a lot of advantages socially and it isn't fair but it is the way it is.

 

[Solivagant]

Except I doubt he would have immediately thought her a creep if she had shown some interest in him. Or made out that he was afraid of her, communicated serious discomfort about the situation to his friends, causing his friends and anyone else who happened to hear to pass judgement on her.

what that happens to me all the time
just sayin happens to girls too [but maybe its just me]

Definitely not just you.

There are a lot of people, like myself, who don't give a poop what someone looks like. i feel in love with my boyfriends brain. Not his body. Looks only mean a lot to someone who is shallow. i am sorry if that insults anyone here but that is my opinion.

True.

People who look like super models have a lot of advantages socially and it isn't fair but it is the way it is.

Also true.

I'm not pretty, and the one time I actually was asked out, it turned out to be a joke - literally. But my attitude about it has never been focused around it.

+1

She's a miserable, boring person so I don't like her because of that. Not totally about her looks. Maybe a touch but not all the reasons.

You said her physical appearance was her "worst fault" to you.

And everybody and his dog say it's all about personality.

my standards are all to do with personality not looks.

^ You said it too.


Saying that the way you look makes it harder and saying that it makes it hopeless are two different things, and I think that's what most people are trying to point out with the "You never know" arugments. Harder is not = to hopeless. It's alright to feel as if it's hopeless sometimes, but if you act as if it's hopeless, then it very well could be. Sometimes the line between feeling and acting is very easy to cross, even unwittingly, and that's what's being cautioned against.

I have a problem when people start turning it into a competition of pain by saying things like "Unattractive men have it worse than unattractive women." No.

 

[ardour]

if your walking around in life thinking your an ugly piece of crap then people will notice something is wrong and leave you the hell alone.


Just saying.

There's more to it than self-image.

It's a common bias to attribute positive traits and motivations to those we find attractive and negative ones to those we don't. This of course works both ways.

Negative assessments of men however can often include "threatening", "creepy" with an implied inclination for sexual violence. And not necessarily because of any specific behaviour.

Feminist themes around patriarchy, loss of privilege, bitterness and male anger are internalized most by the least attractive, socially awkward men with already non-existent self-esteem.

It's part of the reason we don't feel like approaching, particularly women we don't know that well: it's an open display of physical attraction: an interest that has been widely characterized as offensive, and our faces make it more likely that it will be considered that way. At the very least it makes you extremely self-aware and paranoid about how every word or gesture could be interpreted.

The hassle of having to approach when there's never any indication of interest, along with the likelihood of being labelled a dumb, aggressive sexually entitled male puts this in the 'too hard' basket. The only alternative seems to be dating websites.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I've never heard so much crap in my life.

 

[Locke]

I've never heard so much crap in my life.

Really? I've seen it so often that I have it memorized. Let me save you the trouble of reading the next fifty posts. They'll all go something like this:

"Blah blah blah....women are all out to get me and it's all their fault that I'm a coward with low self-esteem.....blah....blah. I'll always find a reason to be spiteful and bitter and it will always be women's fault....blah blah."

It's always the same crap.

 

[ardour]

Locke, do you have a rebuttal to anything here? I mean something other than insults and shaming.