How do you all deal with Anger?

[VanillaCreme]

I told you, this isn't just a dislike, like not enjoying the taste of meatloaf or the sound of dubstep. This is hatred. Everything about them disgusts me, and what disgusts me even more is how rotten people like them are not only accepted but celebrated and given VIP treatment in life. No one stands up to them, calls them out, or even sees them for what they are. I've had enough.

This hatred of a label of people that you don't even know has gotten you where in life? You concentrate so much on something you apparently hate, and it's amazing to me how much more effort you put into hating something rather than actually doing or being around things you like. If you hate this group of people so much, why care so much?

Not jealous of them. For the last time. I just hate it when bad people get good treatment. What do they have that I don't? A free pass to get whatever they want in life, while a normal person gets nothing but resistance.

Imagine if a certain type of person got to cut in line in front of you. Everywhere. If you have something, they get to take it. If you want something, it's reserved for them, not you, and getting there first doesn't matter. If there's a good version of something, it's also reserved for them, and all you get is the crummy regular version. And there's nothing you can do about it. And worse? They actually aren't special. They don't do anything really to earn such status. It's just because they look and act a certain way, they get first class treatment. You, on the other hand, are told to just suck it up and make due with coach. For the rest of your life.

You hate it when bad people get good treatment... okay. Fair enough. But who are you to say? Who are you to put such a definition on someone and then say how they should be treated in life? Just because you deem them unfit, everyone else has to carry the same hatred? These ladies that are with all these bad men... They, too, have to realize what you're saying? They should date you instead of men you regard as scum?

Sitting back and really looking at your attitude on this would perhaps make you understand a little bit why some think it is jealousy. A jealous rage. It's more than just anger. It's consuming your mind so much that you refuse to realize that it's just judging people that you don't really know. One bad apple spoils the whole bunch.

I suppose a question for you, Ska, would be: How do you deal with hatred?

 

[TheSkaFish]

This hatred of a label of people that you don't even know has gotten you where in life? You concentrate so much on something you apparently hate, and it's amazing to me how much more effort you put into hating something rather than actually doing or being around things you like. If you hate this group of people so much, why care so much?

Because I'm tired of watching anyone that I actually think is unique and special and actually shares things with me, good things, goes to them. I want to know how I can stop this from happening. I don't get to be around what I like. It all goes to them. And I hate it. Because I want to actually hold on to someone that I actually like, instead of life just deciding who I get and that's all, take it or leave it. I want to have something special. Not just the leftover honeysuckle that the "cool", "badasses" don't want.

You hate it when bad people get good treatment... okay. Fair enough. But who are you to say? Who are you to put such a definition on someone and then say how they should be treated in life? Just because you deem them unfit, everyone else has to carry the same hatred? These ladies that are with all these bad men... They, too, have to realize what you're saying? They should date you instead of men you regard as scum?

Because when a guy actually IS a druggie and a criminal, not just in appearance, then no, I don't think he is a good person, and no, I don't think life should reward him.

Sitting back and really looking at your attitude on this would perhaps make you understand a little bit why some think it is jealousy. A jealous rage. It's more than just anger. It's consuming your mind so much that you refuse to realize that it's just judging people that you don't really know. One bad apple spoils the whole bunch.

I suppose a question for you, Ska, would be: How do you deal with hatred?

But I'm not jealous though. I don't want to live like they do, I don't want to wear what they wear, I don't want any of it. Jealous would be, "man, I wish I could buy a bike and tattoos and spend all day drinking and smoking meth. Then I'd be so COOL."

No. I just hate it when good things go to honeysuckle people. And since this was so personal it really bothers me. I want to get good things in life, yes, but I want to get there as me. I don't want to join them.

How do I deal with hatred? Right now it just cooks me, until I sleep it off.

 

[TheRealCallie]

You just don't listen to anyone but yourself, do you? You just keep saying the same things over and over and over again. You are aware what that's the definition of, right?

And you are jealous. They have what you think you are entitled to. Women are NOT possessions and that is exactly what you are treating them as. Seriously, stop insulting people with tattoos and people who ride motorcycles. Maybe the girls don't like you because you are too judgmental. Maybe they don't like the chip on your shoulder. Maybe instead of condemning other people you don't know, maybe you should look at your own flaws you seem unwilling to see.

 

[kamya]

Ska you are the most judgmental and self centered person I've ever seen. Your narcissism does nothing but drive people away. Stop blaming other people for having what you want. It's all your fault that you don't have what you want. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

 

[Solivagant]

No, it's just anger. I don't WANT to be like them at all. I don't want their image, don't want their lifestyle, don't want their things, none of it.

But I'm not jealous though. I don't want to live like they do, I don't want to wear what they wear, I don't want any of it.

You want the women they're with, though, and that is envy.

Well, it's the men that cause the women to suddenly change.

Part of your problem is that you're assigning waaay too much power to these men in your mind, and the power you think they have is making you angry. Women make choices too you know, these men did not "cause" anything. You've insisted that you know women have minds of their own, but you don't talk that way.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Ska you are the most judgmental and self centered person I've ever seen. Your narcissism does nothing but drive people away. Stop blaming other people for having what you want. It's all your fault that you don't have what you want. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

So what am I supposed to do then? Just lay down and resign myself to getting honeysuckle on for the rest of my one life? Just lay down and die? Why bother liking or disliking anything then, why bother having any kinds of goals, preferences, interests, or direction at all if I'm just going to get what I'm going to get and that's it?

---

Part of your problem is that you're assigning waaay too much power to these men in your mind, and the power you think they have is making you angry. Women make choices too you know, these men did not "cause" anything. You've insisted that you know women have minds of their own, but you don't talk that way.

Well it is a thing that it's "cool" to do drugs and break the law, and if you don't, you're seen as a "pussy", you're seen as unexciting, uncool, no chemistry. This is a societal norm. And for me, it's like, why? Why is this what gets celebrated? I don't think it's worth it to do either of those things. But like I said, I don't want to just get honeysuckle on for the rest of my life.

 

[Solivagant]

Well it is a thing that it's "cool" to do drugs and break the law, and if you don't, you're seen as a "pussy", you're seen as unexciting, uncool, no chemistry. This is a societal norm.

According to who?

 

[TheSkaFish]

As far as the PM's are concerned, I can't. Getting close to people is too hard for me, and PM's to me seem like a first step in that process. I like the idea of someone actually enjoying my presence, but when I really see it happening it makes me nauseated. It's like I just can't handle it. So I'm leaving the PM's disabled for now. Maybe the anti-depressants will help.​

I wanted to go the PM route because I didn't want to annoy everyone with this and the thread itself is about dealing with or preventing a state of heightened anger, not necessarily my specific source. But very well. Maybe I should get to the root of the issue rather than plucking at the leaves of it.

Ska, why don't you tell us about the situation at hand. Instead of asking about how to handle symptoms and running through page after page of reply's when people don't get it.

Here is what I know so far: there's a younger girl that your interested in, who you met online. You talked to and related to this person, and she seems to you like everything you would want out of a partner. She's played with your emotions a bit, fed into your interest in her, and she may even reciprocate that interest on some level. Despite that she has chosen someone else, someone who characterizes everything you hate; a posturing, transparent bad boy type that many women seem to fall for, and it is ******* you up. Big time.

So here's what I want to know:
How old is this girl?
almost 20
Have you met in person yet?
no
How often do the two of you talk?
used to be almost daily for almost a year. we talked about deep things too and shared a lot of personal things. now just here and there after we argued.
How much have you told her about how strongly you feel about her?
sort of
How do you think she would react? or how did she react if you already told her?
she gave me some excuse about how she would change or "ruin" me. I think it's because she's young and naive.
Was she involved with this man/boy when you met her?
no. I knew her for almost a year and a half first
How well do you know this man/boy she has chosen?
she told me he almost OD'ed and almost went to jail for possession and caused her all kinds of stress. and i've obviously seen what kind of person he is, the thug image and all, before i unfollowed her because i could no longer bear it.
Do you think that this is healthy for you?
do i think what is unhealthy? this feeling? no, it hurts and when something hurts it generally means it's bad. but I don't want to give up either. I love her.
Would your life have been better if you had never met her?
it's tough to say. it would have saved me a lot of anger and stress, but she really did help me with things and genuinely showed an interest in my life.
Do you think you'd be able to get over this girl if you had no other choice?
some part of me will always miss her. i've only ever met 2 other girls that even compare.
Aaaaand, try and describe the type of man that you think she deserves. How close are you?
Who do I think she deserves? Well, someone good-looking, healthy, intelligent, well-read, creative, playful, interesting, exciting, adventurous, and fun. Honestly, I'm really not that close though. I'm behind in a lot of ways but that is another problem/long story in and of itself. But that's who I'd like to be someday.
I kinda just want to know the story here, since it always seems to come back to the same subject line with you. You seem have a common theme, or so I've noticed, and I've only been on here for like 3-4 weeks.

---

...sorry if some of that has already been stated before, I just don't have time to run through page after page of posts and reply's.
I also apologize if my assessment was just plain wrong.​

---

---

Well it is a thing that it's "cool" to do drugs and break the law, and if you don't, you're seen as a "pussy", you're seen as unexciting, uncool, no chemistry. This is a societal norm.

According to who?

Society? Growing up that's what it was like in school. Even in the post-school adult world, a lot of this still carries over. Just look at almost any media. Listen to people talking. It's everywhere.

 

[Solivagant]

Just look at almost any media. Listen to people talking. It's everywhere.

I look and I listen. I don't see it everywhere. In fact I hardly see it anywhere. I haven't known a single grown-up woman who thinks this way about men (though I know there are some out there, there are groupies for practically everything). I don't wish to discount your experiences, but I wonder if perhaps your anger is skewing your perception of "society". Everyone's a little biased by their experiences, but you are especially so. We talking to you are also society, but you're not hearing anything we have to say. You're trapped in your own emotion.

Who do I think she deserves? Well, someone good-looking, healthy, intelligent, well-read, creative, playful, interesting, exciting, adventurous, and fun.

I noticed that you didn't list any characteristics that have anything to do with actually being a good person, like honesty or compassion. Not that you don't think she deserves a good person, but the fact that it did not occur to you to list any qualities of the kind perhaps says a little about your own psychology, and what you place importance on.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I look and I listen. I don't see it everywhere. In fact I hardly see it anywhere. I haven't known a single grown-up woman who thinks this way about men (though I know there are some out there, there are groupies for practically everything). I don't wish to discount your experiences, but I wonder if perhaps your anger is skewing your perception of "society". Everyone's a little biased by their experiences, but you are especially so. We talking to you are also society, but you're not hearing anything we have to say. You're trapped in your own emotion.

I see it all over. People driving like maniacs because they are trying to be "macho". People thinking they are so "cool" because they sit around and smoke weed all day. People thinking that these people who sit around and smoke are just the coolest thing ever. People "acting hard" all over the place. I don't know, maybe wherever you live people are different. But here, all of the above and more is very much a thing.

I noticed that you didn't list any characteristics that have anything to do with actually being a good person, like honesty or compassion. Not that you don't think she deserves a good person, but the fact that it did not occur to you to list any qualities of the kind perhaps says a little about your own psychology, and what you place importance on.

I guess I just took those as a given, that I did not need to state it. Like, of course I think she deserves honesty and compassion. I gave her lots of both. And she acted like she gave me the same.

Anyway, the way I see it, being a good person and playing by the rules my whole life has only served to get me honeysuckle on time and time again.

 

[johnny196775]

edit. never mind

 

[VanillaCreme]

Because I'm tired of watching anyone that I actually think is unique and special and actually shares things with me, good things, goes to them. I want to know how I can stop this from happening. I don't get to be around what I like. It all goes to them. And I hate it. Because I want to actually hold on to someone that I actually like, instead of life just deciding who I get and that's all, take it or leave it. I want to have something special. Not just the leftover honeysuckle that the "cool", "badasses" don't want.

How can you stop it? You can't. You can't stop life. It goes on. You can't stop things in life from happening, not usually anyway. It's not like a dinner that you can send back if it's not to your liking. I still don't understand why you have a hatred of what other people have or get. Concentrate on your own life, because they sure as hell don't worry about yours. And, to the "leftover" comment... Stop treating women like they're damaged canned goods that you can get for pennies on the dollar instead of the shelf price. Everyone has baggage, including you, and the sooner you can accept that, the sooner you can move on in life.

So what am I supposed to do then? Just lay down and resign myself to getting honeysuckle on for the rest of my one life? Just lay down and die? Why bother liking or disliking anything then, why bother having any kinds of goals, preferences, interests, or direction at all if I'm just going to get what I'm going to get and that's it?

Ska, I like you. Aside from all this hatred for people who don't even know your name, you seem like a cool dude. Which is probably why I've taken your words to heart, more than I really should. But what are you to do? Tell people no, to scold them like a child or a dog when they do something you don't like? What are you to do? You can dislike and hate whatever you want, believe me, it doesn't make me a bit of difference. But it's you, my dear dude, who is clearly affected. And so much so that you don't even realize the damper you've put on yourself. These other people... these people who don't even know your name, never mind the fact that you don't know them... They are not the black cloud over your head. Your attitude and your view, and everything that is sullied and sodden with the detestation you hold for this... It's bringing you down. When was the last day you refused to let other people rule over your feelings?

 

[Solivagant]

I guess I just took those as a given, that I did not need to state it. Like, of course I think she deserves honesty and compassion.

But you could say the same thing about some of the qualities you did list. I just thought that, with all the emphasis you've put on these guys being "bad", you would have mentioned something about being a good person. It is quite possible to be downright evil and also be good-looking, healthy, intelligent, well-read, creative, playful, interesting, exciting, adventurous, and fun. The man she is with now could have all of those qualities you said she deserves. Maybe you yourself don't place as much importance on being a good person as you thought.

Anyway, the way I see it, being a good person and playing by the rules my whole life has only served to get me honeysuckle on time and time again.

I'm just curious, are they the same thing to you? People with the best principles sometimes go against "the rules", when it is the right thing.

 

[ardour]

I don't. I just let it fester inside of me.

 

[ladyforsaken]

You just don't listen to anyone but yourself, do you? You just keep saying the same things over and over and over again. You are aware what that's the definition of, right?

And you are jealous. They have what you think you are entitled to. Women are NOT possessions and that is exactly what you are treating them as. Seriously, stop insulting people with tattoos and people who ride motorcycles. Maybe the girls don't like you because you are too judgmental. Maybe they don't like the chip on your shoulder. Maybe instead of condemning other people you don't know, maybe you should look at your own flaws you seem unwilling to see.

And this isn't the first time I see Callie say this to Ska.

Just sayin'.

Because when a guy actually IS a druggie and a criminal, not just in appearance, then no, I don't think he is a good person, and no, I don't think life should reward him.

There are so many different reasons why people do what they do. Some of these "druggies" end up being like that for the way they're brought up. Is it their fault? That they know no better life than living like that? Some of them do try to get out of such a life, they struggle, but they're nice people. One of my cousin's like that. I don't think it makes her a bad person. Maybe it does bring out her daring side which will of course attract attention of others and men. Same goes. But it doesn't mean it's the only way to attract the opposite sex.

If you think you have to be like that, someone you're not, to attract a woman, then you'll never attract the right one. If you want that, you just be yourself, and be good, do good and socialise. Eventually you'll meet the right girl who likes you FOR you and for how your are. Not whether you're bad ass or whatever.

No. I just hate it when good things go to honeysuckle people. And since this was so personal it really bothers me. I want to get good things in life, yes, but I want to get there as me. I don't want to join them.

Good things happen to good people too. Genuinely good people. It means you don't think badly of others, or judge them for who or how they are. Good people, or "bad" people, or anyone living (I'm saying this again) have their ups and downs in life, some of which you see, some of which you don't. And usually, the "bad" people you speak of, they flaunt when they have it good, why? Because it's some sort of happiness for them, because who knows what honeysuckle they have behind the eyes of others that goes on. If anything, they might just be trying to hide what is actually bothering them in their lives.

 

[jjessea]

So here's what I want to know:
How old is this girl?
almost 20

So 19. This is what I suspected. You started talking to her when she was 18 years old, and probably fresh out of high school. She was probably flattered that an older man was interested in her. I don't know her but if she's a healthy 19 year old girl, she's going to be making stupid choices in regard to men for the next 3-4 years, at least. If she's smart she'll keep her eyes open and her options clear until she figures out what she really wants in life. Until she figures out who's right for her. I don't know much about you either, but I can almost guarantee that you're not it. Someone closer to her age, in her peer group would be a much better candidate.

Also, I know it's legal, and in some circles socially acceptable, but in my opinion this borders on being predatory. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Have you met in person yet?
no
How often do the two of you talk?
used to be almost daily for almost a year. we talked about deep things too and shared a lot of personal things. now just here and there after we argued.

Well, she's probably over it then, I suggest you do the same.

How much have you told her about how strongly you feel about her?
sort of

That's basically a no.

How do you think she would react? or how did she react if you already told her?
she gave me some excuse about how she would change or "ruin" me. I think it's because she's young and naive.

Yep, she's young and naive. Why the fresia are you fixated on her? Let her grow up and find herself for fucks sake. The phase of her life where she talked to you every day is over, now she's probably in the "making dumbass decisions with boys phase". Hopefully she makes it through it alright. Keeps your fingers crossed.

Was she involved with this man/boy when you met her?
no. I knew her for almost a year and a half first
How well do you know this man/boy she has chosen?
she told me he almost OD'ed and almost went to jail for possession and caused her all kinds of stress. and i've obviously seen what kind of person he is, the thug image and all, before i unfollowed her because i could no longer bear it.

So you don't really know him at all. Just like from facebook or something. How well does your profile or whatever reflect who you really are? I don't have an online profile, except on forums, so I don't really know anything about it, sorry.

The internet is what's unhealthy for you. Get off of it. Get out of the house. Go to the gym. Get a ******* career, a passion, you're almost 30 years old man. You are a MAN, start acting like one.

Do you think that this is healthy for you?
do i think what is unhealthy? this feeling? no, it hurts and when something hurts it generally means it's bad. but I don't want to give up either. I love her.

How, how, how can you love her if you think that a man who's almost 10 years her senior, who's never met her in person, who at the moment has no prospects and no clear future could be any good for her. Unless she's exceptional, she doesn't even know whats good for her. She probably hasn't figured herself out yet.

Would your life have been better if you had never met her?
it's tough to say. it would have saved me a lot of anger and stress, but she really did help me with things and genuinely showed an interest in my life.

I think this will be a good thing for you if you get over her. If you continue to fixate on her and let it ruin your life, then you're probably messed.

Do you think you'd be able to get over this girl if you had no other choice?
some part of me will always miss her. i've only ever met 2 other girls that even compare.

I believe you that there's something special about her. Some women are just gems, and they outshine everyone else around them.

Aaaaand, try and describe the type of man that you think she deserves. How close are you?
Who do I think she deserves? Well, someone good-looking, healthy, intelligent, well-read, creative, playful, interesting, exciting, adventurous, and fun. Honestly, I'm really not that close though. I'm behind in a lot of ways but that is another problem/long story in and of itself. But that's who I'd like to be someday.

So that's what came to your mind? Not caring, not understanding, not someone who can make her laugh, or hold her when she cries? Not someone who will be there for her in the long term? Not someone who could support her and a future family? Not someone who would hold her to her dreams and aspirations? Not someone who would help her live her life? Someone who would challenge her? Just a bunch of superficial attributes that you might as well list on a resume? C'mon...

---

Look, I really don't know the situation between you and this young lady, so I may be way off base, but I think you're fooling yourself man. You seem like you're at a rough point in your life, and I'd wager that your own personal difficulty is why you're so focused on this girl. Taking a hard look at yourself has to be difficult right now. The thing is, if you're not right, then whatever relationship you get into isn't going to be right either.

You keep talking about being who you want to be and being able to attract who you want, and not settling. But living with your parents, not having a job, not having a future or any aspirations, and surfing the ******* internet all day is settling. Every day you settle for being the person you are right now. Every moment.

Get yourself together, and this girl will wash right out of your system. Who knows, if you become what you want to be this girl might come running after you. This thing with the "thug" probably won't last, they rarely ever do, unless she's an idiot.

Also, the guy she's with probably has some growing up to do too. If he's around her age then he probably doesn't really know who he is either. If he OD'd, then he's got some problems of his own to work through. He may fail and turn into a piece of honeysuckle, or he may work through it and get himself together. Who the fresia are you to make that decision for him and end his life before he gets that chance. Most people are idiots, but in the end, they're really not all that bad. Just a little stupid.

On another note, this is something that my partner an I argue a lot about. Some people are really just born stupid, and you can't actually fix that. Stupid doesn't mean uneducated or ignorant, I'm talking stupid. Like can't understand the complexities of society and human nature. You can't let them take advantage of society or the system, but sometimes a little compassion and understanding is warranted. You can't go out and buy a new ******* brain for heavens sake. He doesn't get it.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Look, I really don't know the situation between you and this young lady, so I may be way off base, but I think you're fooling yourself man. You seem like you're at a rough point in your life, and I'd wager that your own personal difficulty is why you're so focused on this girl. Taking a hard look at yourself has to be difficult right now. The thing is, if you're not right, then whatever relationship you get into isn't going to be right either.

You keep talking about being who you want to be and being able to attract who you want, and not settling. But living with your parents, not having a job, not having a future or any aspirations, and surfing the ******* internet all day IS settling. Right now every day you settle for being the person you are right now. Every moment.

Get yourself together, and this girl will wash right out of your system. Who knows, if you become what you want to be this girl might come running after you. This thing with the "thug" probably won't last, they rarely ever do, unless she's an idiot.

Also, the guy she's with probably has some growing up to do too. If he's around her age then he probably doesn't really know who he is either. If he OD'd, then he's got some problems of his own to work through. He may fail and turn into a piece of honeysuckle, or he may work through and get himself together. Who the fresia are you to make that decision for him and end his life before he gets that chance. Most people are idiots, but in the end, they're really not all that bad. Just a little stupid.

On another note, this is something that my partner argue a lot about. Some people are really just born stupid, and you can't actually fix that. Stupid doesn't mean uneducated or ignorant, I'm talking stupid. Like can't understand the complexities of society and human nature. You can't let them take advantage of society or the system, but sometimes a little compassion and understanding is warranted. You can't go out a buy a new ******* brain for heavens sake. He doesn't get it.

I like this. And I agree, totally get you jjessea.

 

[jjessea]

I don't. I just let it fester inside of me.

Oh, so you are a neurotic misfit then...

 

[Solivagant]

So that's what came to your mind? Not caring, not understanding, not someone who can make her laugh, or hold her when she cries? Not someone who will be there for her in the long term? Not someone who could support her and a future family? Not someone who would hold her to her dreams and aspirations? Not someone who would help her live her life? Someone who would challenge her? Just a bunch of superficial attributes that you might as well list on a resume? C'mon...

^.

 

[ardour]

Get yourself together, and this girl will wash right out of your system. Who knows, if you become what you want to be this girl might come running after you. This thing with the "thug" probably won't last, they rarely ever do, unless she's an idiot.

Agree with everything except that. He should not be holding out hope for this, it will just hold him back and keep him depressed and wallowing in anger/self pity. Self improvement for the sake of someone's approval won't lead to long term progress.