How hard is it to change?

[joejoeyjoseph]

I've been listening to some really awesome "talks" lately that have opened up my mind to the fact that I need to take ownership of my own problems and strive for change. But the question comes up and I wonder if anybody else finds it hard to change the way we are, even though we know that we have to or we'll be lonely forever?

Here's some points from the talks:

• [Change in general] We want to change but we want to change according to our own terms.
  
• [Peer pressure] This whole country (USA, & your country too, probably) is about production - "I am what I produce". For us to take leisure throws us back on our worst fears. We have to be alone - with your mind! Did you ever notice that a vacation is nothing more than who you are all day long? You've just taken it to a forest or a beach - just as miserable.
  
• [Internal pressure, needing to feel secure in our safe zone] "Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all" - Helen Keller, blind & deaf lady from Alabama.

So on one hand, I can see that I must change because my mentality is the general problem I'm having with my lonely life. *But* on the other hand, I find it very uncomfortable to accept that I must change, and I can't really make significant leaps in the right direction. It might take me forever to be who I feel that I should be. I find it very hard to live the way I am but I know that I need to change.

So does anybody else find it next-to-impossible to change for the better, or are we just so comfortable with -and good at- being complacent that change would mean we no longer know how to live at all?

 

[Ak5]

Change and fix your problems? Or change your personality?

More info please.

 

[joejoeyjoseph]

Well I guess that's part of it. When I think of change, my personality and mentality come into the front of my thoughts. But if it's so uncomfortable, should I do it? Is there really a problem or is it all in my head? I guess I'm just presuming that we all came here to "A Lonely Life" to work on not being so lonely and to bounce ideas off each other... which to me is like trying to resolve a problem. But I've noticed how comfortable I am when I'm negative and anxious. So that's going to take work. I'm just trying to see if it's worth it or if anyone can help me justify my desire to change for the quote/unquote better. How does everybody feel about changing themselves to fit in with the rest of the world? Maybe that's another way to ask it.

 

[Ak5]

You shouldn't change your personality to be in with the rest of the world. In the end, you'll feel like a fake. Anything else, go for it.

If you have the internal desire to change, all you have to do is go forward and do it. It takes a shitload of willpower, and time, but it is possible. Changing your mentality is hard yes, something which I personally am continuing to struggle with and have struggled with for years; I'm improving, but still not completely changed. Work to it!

 

[joejoeyjoseph]

You shouldn't change your personality to be in with the rest of the world. In the end, you'll feel like a fake...

Interesting. I was thinking if I changed my personality it would be like, for example, learning to do something I don't know how to do, like when I learned mathematical skills that I had no idea how to deal with before. I don't feel like a fake now that I know them. I was thinking learning to "fit in" or whatever was kind of in the same vein. I wanted to learn how to do it and that takes change for me. I don't see how that could make me feel fake though. I find that a quite interesting aspect of change I hadn't thought of before.

 

[Ak5]

You can't change your personality, it's who you are. What I meant to say is that you can "pretend" to change your personality, or say, "put a mask on" and show a different face; it won't be you. And when the time comes around that you'll have the possibility of making meaningful relationships, you won't be able to "feel accepted"; because it was your "changed" personality that made it happen, and not your "real" personality".

 

[joejoeyjoseph]

You can't change your personality, it's who you are...

But in order for me to experience the life I want, I have to change a lot about myself, including learning how to develop (or change) my personality - the way I act and express myself in front of others. I know I *shouldn't* change my personality but maybe I can explain a little better...

When I was in the Marines, they forced me to change my personality. I went with it and hated it. When I got out, it was hard to find myself again. Now that I realize the personality I've developed isn't good out there with others, I need to mature it to a level where I can enjoy a conversation with others so I can be a better member of society.

This is very hard to do but it is possible. I'm wondering if it's worth it though and hoping to get some feedback. I can recluse myself and stay at home. But that's not the me I used to be. Maybe these personality changes are not normal? Maybe most people don't have to undergo changes to be acceptable out there? I find that I can adapt to almost anything though and I've kept alive to this point. I don't want to live in a purely survival state though, like the Marines had me doing, and I got used to and kind of stuck with after completing service.

To be honest, I don't feel the same way you do so I don't think it relates to how I feel. There shouldn't be anything wrong with that, we've just had different experiences and I don't feel the same way. Thanks for the feedback though! I really appreciate your time and assistance here!!

 

[Ak5]

No problem.

Do as you think is best, that is the important part!

 

[LoneKiller]

Change can be very difficult. What it boils down to is how bad you want it.
You know what you have to do. All that is left is summoning the courage required for success. You have already taken one very courageous step by posting here for help. I respect your efforts to overcome your dilemma. In life, some things just are the way they are. Don't let it beat you.

 

[Lonely in BC]

It's very hard to change but if an older dog like myself can do it, you can too. You just have to find the right reasons for it and make it happen.

 

[MadMonkè]

...on the other hand, I find it very uncomfortable to accept that I must change, and I can't really make significant leaps in the right direction. It might take me forever to be who I feel that I should be. I find it very hard to live the way I am but I know that I need to change.

I am often frustrated with my current situation. - the consequences of my decisions thus far....
I've read and looked into changing a lot... with little success it seems...

Its funny how your comment reminded my of something I watched by vsauce recently about consciousness. I like the last question.



If you did succeed in making a major leap in changing yourself.
how would you know who if you are really you??