Lebowski said:
at least you've been with someone brian. i'm talking about the never never group like myself.
i've opened up to my brother saying that i am scared and all he says is "you'll be fine, you're a good looking kid" in 5 years it'll still be there and then my family will get on my case. i respect my dad in every which way, he is in my opinion the greatest man alive and to upset him in the way i will will be terrible.
i just went for a 2 hour bike ride and throughout all of it i still felt depressed.
I recall saying that same thing when I was in the so-called 'never never group'...after the fact, I felt just as bad if not worse. Given the circumstances (basically a girl escaping from the box her reclusive parents kept her in and wanting to sleep with a bunch of dudes like her sister without actually knowing how modern flirting or courtship works), it was kind of reinforced in me that I'm not going to have an easy time in life of meeting or attracting actual potential mates amongst even the poorly adjusted women out there, much less a well-adjusted, level-headed gal for companionship.
It's hard to explain. All I can really express on the matter is to assure you that any perceived progress is strictly from a third party perspective; I haven't actually gotten ahead any. Truthfully, she would have bedded anyone posting in this thread if they were up there shoveling snow on the same roof she was. Talking to some others, I discovered she frequently texted and sent messages to any nearby guy she could contact trying to get laid. After I was no longer available, it has been relayed to me that she's now pregnant and hanging off some big, sweaty, overweight guy's arm. Not that being overweight makes you less of a person, but it demonstrates she did not pick me based on any established physical standard, and we certainly didn't have any real emotional bond.
Again, I think she was trying to imitate her sister, who was incredibly skanky and slutty and was basically her only frequent friend.
It'd have been different if I'd actually won a girl over with manly charm or striking wit that I dont have, or wooed her with my flashy smile that I've never possessed. It'd be different altogether if I could actually say to myself, "Wow, go me! Through my interactions with a member of the opposite sex, I was able to make an impression and attract them as a mate."
But that isn't what played out. I didn't, and I can't. If anything, I only wish that I could share that contact with someone again in an actually meaningful way. Even a one-night-stand from a bar would count for more.
I'm lonelier than I've ever been. My nervous breakdowns are increasingly more excruciating and are not quite as far between as they used to be. Many people suffer from chest pain due to fits of intense depression and loneliness...I do as well, and the last time I experienced it I thought I was genuinely suffering an MI. I was actually digging for spare EKG pads to check myself on the 5-lead at work.
And so I posit that losing one's virginity is an inconsequential stepping stone if one does not establish an actual bond, or at least genuine,
earned attraction in the process.
