How not to get angry when you are being ingored

[TheRealCallie]

^^ I think that question has been answered in just about every single one of your threads.

You have to realize that it doesn't do you any good to hold resentments, to get angry. If these people don't want to talk to you, you have to realize that they aren't worth your time. If these people say things that you don't like (when you don't really know them well, of course), you have to realize that their opinions don't really matter. The only opinions that really matter are your own...and possibly the opinions of those that care about you. Ask yourself if it's worth the extra emotions and energy and negativity that is exerted on yourself when honeysuckle like that happens.

 

[Restless soul]

And it's always been helpful callie. Repetition is important.
I am sure that is some sort of therapy. Desensitization. Each answer to my question is also a bit different. Tweaked. Updated.
I should print them out. And look at it when I feel like I am going to have some sort of issue with a person place.

 

[TheSkaFish]

And if you never hear from them again while waiting?

You might.  You just have to be prepared to give it time, as in a long time.  Then you can try talking to them again, as if nothing happened.  The trick is to not let it get to you.

I am thinking as the big pessimist that I am. And all you have is bad feelings that you won't hear from them again

I forgot to mention yesterday that I do believe you can try contacting them again even if they haven't responded.  You just have to wait a while before trying again.  I didn't mean to suggest that you should wait forever for them to contact you.  I just meant be nonchalant about it.  

People don't like it when you complain to them about how you think they are ignoring you, I think, because they feel like they are being nagged into doing something and no one likes that.  This seems to happen when one person thinks they are "above" the other, as opposed to viewing each other as equals.  I'm starting to realize that you really have to wait a long time before people outgrow these social status games, no matter how intellectual someone might seem.  Some people never grow out of this cliquish, high school mindset.  

I think that while you're waiting, you should ask yourself some questions.  Why do you want to contact them?  Why are they important to you?  And why don't you think they are contacting you back?  Maybe you need to come up with something more interesting to say, or you need to come off like you are a more exciting, less fearful person? This is something I've noticed about people and conversation. We want to be intellectually stimulated, we want to be shown something new and interesting, and we want excitement and thrills. We want to talk to people that somehow enhance our lives. That's what makes me want to talk to someone. And if it's a girl, then there is physical attraction in the mix as well. I've read a lot about it, and girls seem to want the same things - plus, they DON'T want you to come off as shy, fearful, uncertain, clumsy, and lost. I have trouble with this, and I think it's a common problem on this site. Maybe think more about what you have to say that would enhance this person's life, especially if it would also enhance your life too.

I'd say start with thinking about what makes you want to talk to a person, to figure out how to get these people to want to talk to you or why you want them around.  I know that for me, sometimes I get so struck by a person that I kind of stall out and completely forget how I can show that I'm relevant to this person I want to talk to, and the interests we have in common - the reason we started talking in the first place.

 

[TheRealCallie]

And why don't you think they are contacting you back? 

I might agree with everything else you said, but not this one.  NEVER try to figure out why another person does something.  You will likely almost always be wrong.  The fact is that they are not contacting you, you don't know why, you won't know why unless they tell you why.  And then, even if they tell you why, it could be a lie.  Do NOT jump to conclusions, do NOT think for other people.  It will 99.9% of the time be a mistake that will only make you feel worse because you are going to go a negative route with the why. 

They aren't contacting you, move on.

 

[Restless soul]

And why don't you think they are contacting you back? 

I might agree with everything else you said, but not this one.  NEVER try to figure out why another person does something.  You will likely almost always be wrong.  The fact is that they are not contacting you, you don't know why, you won't know why unless they tell you why.  And then, even if they tell you why, it could be a lie.  Do NOT jump to conclusions, do NOT think for other people.  It will 99.9% of the time be a mistake that will only make you feel worse because you are going to go a negative route with the why. 

They aren't contacting you, move on.

Wow - ska said a mouthful. Certain things struckba cord.

"People don't like it when you complain to them about how you think they are ignoring you"

My brother does this. Older brother mind you. 
Then again that is family sibling. And although I hate it.
Isn't there a time and place to challenge someone when it comes to how you feel? Instead of making believe it doesn't bother you? I think that takes a lot.of courage? I found myself in situations like that and wonder if I should have called the people out, yes the very same people who are ignoring me now. But so what? Its such a complex topic i realize a real art, a real science how we communicate. How much fear plays a role fear of turning someone off becuse you express your upset how they treat you or don't.  I don't think there is one set script for this to follow. I am replying to you callie as well as ska here. 

But I think about how I am the extreme case of senstive llonley and frustrated where I can't help myself with someone who was just not showing into to reply to my text to reply with bitter and sarcastic texts. Such as " are you there?
"Or hey, how was your trip" after knowing they were back for 2 weeks and they saw my texts since. Its just like I am stabbing myself. Self inflicting. 

 

[TheSkaFish]

And why don't you think they are contacting you back? 

I might agree with everything else you said, but not this one.  NEVER try to figure out why another person does something.  You will likely almost always be wrong.  The fact is that they are not contacting you, you don't know why, you won't know why unless they tell you why.  And then, even if they tell you why, it could be a lie.  Do NOT jump to conclusions, do NOT think for other people.  It will 99.9% of the time be a mistake that will only make you feel worse because you are going to go a negative route with the why. 

They aren't contacting you, move on.

I'm not saying ask them - in fact, I said not to.  I'm saying be low-key and think about it on one's own.  Try to understand the whole thing....who is this person, what are they about, what do you like about them so much that it's important for you to talk to them.  Also think about how you're coming off and see if there's a difference between the way you want to present yourself and the way you actually are, which is the case if you aren't getting what you want.

You think they're cool, you think you have something to talk about, something to share.  They apparently don't think you're cool enough but maybe they don't know everything, or maybe you're not presenting yourself in a way that they'd see it.  Maybe you're so in awe of them that you get intimidated, stall out, and come off as less than your best - who might actually be cool enough but you just don't yet know how to show it. I think a lot of "not being cool enough" for somebody that you KNOW you can talk to, comes down to social inexperience.

I like playing guitar, I like the band Tame Impala.  If a spot for a guitarist opened up in Tame Impala today, though, I wouldn't be skilled enough to take it.  But maybe if I work hard enough, someday I could be.

I've said it many times before but I really hate it with a passion whenever someone says to "move on" because I think it's for losers and I think that we don't have to resign ourselves to some kind of social underclass.  fresia "moving on", I want to move up.  And I think it could happen if a person learns how to portray themselves better.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I think you need to get to a certain point in a relationship, whether it be romantic or just friends, before it's beneficial to voice your grievances.

---

Before that point, I think that it's just you being an ******* or a ***** or too sensitive. (generalized you, not you in particular)

 

[Restless soul]

Well I do know what she means " by move on"
Eventhough I can never seem to do so. And have so much
Negative emotions bottled up thinking how the other person is not bothered by the fact they are not in communication with me as I am them. That does say alot. And yet, I keep reaching out to them
And I said to callie above each time that I do and get no response it's like taking a knife and stabbing myself in the leg

 

[TheRealCallie]

And why don't you think they are contacting you back? 

I might agree with everything else you said, but not this one.  NEVER try to figure out why another person does something.  You will likely almost always be wrong.  The fact is that they are not contacting you, you don't know why, you won't know why unless they tell you why.  And then, even if they tell you why, it could be a lie.  Do NOT jump to conclusions, do NOT think for other people.  It will 99.9% of the time be a mistake that will only make you feel worse because you are going to go a negative route with the why. 

They aren't contacting you, move on.

I'm not saying ask them - in fact, I said not to.  I'm saying be low-key and think about it on one's own.  Try to understand the whole thing....who is this person, what are they about, what do you like about them so much that it's important for you to talk to them.  Also think about how you're coming off and see if there's a difference between the way you want to present yourself and the way you actually are, which is the case if you aren't getting what you want.

You think they're cool, you think you have something to talk about, something to share.  They apparently don't think you're cool enough but maybe they don't know everything, or maybe you're not presenting yourself in a way that they'd see it.  Maybe you're so in awe of them that you get intimidated, stall out, and come off as less than your best - who might actually be cool enough but you just don't yet know how to show it.  I think a lot of "not being cool enough" for somebody that you KNOW you can talk to, comes down to social inexperience.

I like playing guitar, I like the band Tame Impala.  If a spot for a guitarist opened up in Tame Impala today, though, I wouldn't be skilled enough to take it.  But maybe if I work hard enough, someday I could be.

I've said it many times before but I really hate it with a passion whenever someone says to "move on" because I think it's for losers and I think that we don't have to resign ourselves to some kind of social underclass.  fresia "moving on", I want to move up.  And I think it could happen if a person learns how to portray themselves better.

I know what you said and I know what you meant.  You should NOT do that.  That person has their own reasons for doing what they do.  You are not that person, therefore, whatever conclusion you come to about why they aren't talking to you, will be based on YOUR beliefs, YOUR values, YOUR negativity. 
Meaning, you will just be shooting yourself in the **** foot, because you will 99.9% of the time, be wrong....

YOU think it's for losers, kind of proving my point about the whole thinking for other people here, aren't you?  YOU (generalized you, again) are only a loser if YOU think you are a loser.  Even then, you likely aren't a loser, you are just hating on yourself.  You want to move up, stop focusing on honeysuckle you can't change and start focusing on honeysuckle you can.  In other words...MOVE THE fresia ON. 

 

[TheSkaFish]

Here's another thing I forgot - how about taking a break from talking to the person? Not forever. Just until you feel you won't be bothered by this, or until you're sure that you have something to say that you could talk about.

That's what I'm currently doing. Taking an indefinite break from talking to people that I know can upset me, until I know that I'm strong enough and built-up enough to come across the way I intend to. Maybe take a break from talking to this person until you have yourself figured out some more.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Well I do know what she means " by move on"
Eventhough I can never seem to do so. And have so much
Negative emotions bottled up thinking how the other person is not bothered by the fact they are not in communication with me as I am them. That does say alot. And yet, I keep reaching out to them
And I said to callie above each time that I do and get no response it's like taking a knife and stabbing myself in the leg

Moving on isn't an easy thing to do.  Not letting honeysuckle bother you isn't an easy thing to do.  It takes time to learn how to do it.  Even when you do figure out how to do it, you will most likely let some honeysuckle bother you at some point. 

But, as I said before, it's not about whether or not something bothers you, it's about how long you let it bother you, how long you hold on to it, what you allow it to do to your life and sanity. 

When honeysuckle happens, don't get pissed off right off the bat.  Ask yourself if it's really important.  Will getting angry and resentful about it really help? Is it really worth getting upset over?  Is it really worth drowning in a pool of negativity over?

 

[Restless soul]

No. Not at all. very well said.

 

[TheSkaFish]

YOU think it's for losers, kind of proving my point about the whole thinking for other people here, aren't you?  YOU (generalized you, again) are only a loser if YOU think you are a loser.  Even then, you likely aren't a loser, you are just hating on yourself.  You want to move up, stop focusing on honeysuckle you can't change and start focusing on honeysuckle you can.  In other words...MOVE THE fresia ON. 

No.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Wow - ska said a mouthful. Certain things struckba cord.

"People don't like it when you complain to them about how you think they are ignoring you"

My brother does this. Older brother mind you. 
Then again that is family sibling. And although I hate it.
Isn't there a time and place to challenge someone when it comes to how you feel? Instead of making believe it doesn't bother you? I think that takes a lot.of courage? I found myself in situations like that and wonder if I should have called the people out, yes the very same people who are ignoring me now. But so what? Its such a complex topic i realize a real art, a real science how we communicate. How much fear plays a role fear of turning someone off becuse you express your upset how they treat you or don't.  I don't think there is one set script for this to follow. I am replying to you callie as well as ska here. 

But I think about how I am the extreme case of senstive llonley and frustrated where I can't help myself with someone who was just not showing into to reply to my text to reply with bitter and sarcastic texts. Such as " are you there?
"Or hey, how was your trip" after knowing they were back for 2 weeks and they saw my texts since. Its just like I am stabbing myself. Self inflicting. 

I think you can challenge someone about how you feel once you've shown the person that there is more to you than just flaws.  You need to show them that your good traits outweigh the areas that you need some work.  

I used to think that confronting someone about it showed courage but if you do it before you've shown them your strengths, it just shows weakness.  

I don't know your specific situations, but in mine, calling someone out was the wrong choice.  It would have been better to pull back, figure out what's wrong with me that's causing this, fix it, and try again much later after I've had a chance to calm down and for my new self-image to grow a bit.

As you can see this is a bit of a sensitive issue for me as well.  I strongly believe that we don't have to resign ourselves to the social role that others try to relegate us into, though - especially when we're not coming off the way we want to because we just don't know how, or that we're doing anything wrong in the first place.  I hope that my findings can help someone get out of that, as I learn how to get out of it myself.

 

[Restless soul]

Wow - ska said a mouthful. Certain things struckba cord.

"People don't like it when you complain to them about how you think they are ignoring you"

My brother does this. Older brother mind you. 
Then again that is family sibling. And although I hate it.
Isn't there a time and place to challenge someone when it comes to how you feel? Instead of making believe it doesn't bother you? I think that takes a lot.of courage? I found myself in situations like that and wonder if I should have called the people out, yes the very same people who are ignoring me now. But so what? Its such a complex topic i realize a real art, a real science how we communicate. How much fear plays a role fear of turning someone off becuse you express your upset how they treat you or don't.  I don't think there is one set script for this to follow. I am replying to you callie as well as ska here. 

But I think about how I am the extreme case of senstive llonley and frustrated where I can't help myself with someone who was just not showing into to reply to my text to reply with bitter and sarcastic texts. Such as " are you there?
"Or hey, how was your trip" after knowing they were back for 2 weeks and they saw my texts since. Its just like I am stabbing myself. Self inflicting. 

I think you can challenge someone about how you feel once you've shown the person that there is more to you than just flaws.  You need to show them that your good traits outweigh the areas that you need some work.  

I used to think that confronting someone about it showed courage but if you do it before you've shown them your strengths, it just shows weakness.  

I don't know your specific situations, but in mine, calling someone out was the wrong choice.  It would have been better to pull back, figure out what's wrong with me that's causing this, fix it, and try again much later after I've had a chance to calm down and for my new self-image to grow a bit.

As you can see this is a bit of a sensitive issue for me as well.  I strongly believe that we don't have to resign ourselves to the social role that others try to relegate us into, though - especially when we're not coming off the way we want to because we just don't know how, or that we're doing anything wrong in the first place.  I hope that my findings can help someone get out of that, as I learn how to get out of it myself.

I don't know. I chalk it up to people lacking communication skills, sensitivity. Especially when in comes to make and female.  Here is a great example that speaks volumes. II think we need an example here. 

So a few months back I made plans to meet a woman. A woman I was just friends with. I met her two times prior to that. It was understood that we were just friends at that point. Yet we kept in touch I thought she was cool and who knows. So I told her I would pick her up ahe agreed to it. I haven't seen her in about a month at that point. Anyway so I am on the way to pick her up. We had no real plans not that should have anything to do with it. Anyway she was about 20 min drive away. I am 15 min. She texts me. Asking in an impatient manner how long will you be? I will take the train if you are not here in minutes.  So there she is shwoing me how she won't  wait 10 min ? Didn't give me clear directions..then made it sound like she was doing me a big favor by waiting.  After i get nervous and start rushing? 
So. I ask you. When I finally saw her that day. Not being her boyfriend. Could I still have stated my displeasure in how she was being inconsiderate. And said something like. 
" hey what's the rush? I told you I was close. Why rush?
Or should I have been affraid as to not seem confrontational?

 

[TheSkaFish]

I don't know. I chalk it up to people lacking communication skills, sensitivity. Especially when in comes to make and female.  Here is a great example that speaks volumes. II think we need an example here. 

So a few months back I made plans to meet a woman. A woman I was just friends with. I met her two times prior to that. It was understood that we were just friends at that point. Yet we kept in touch I thought she was cool and who knows. So I told her I would pick her up ahe agreed to it. I haven't seen her in about a month at that point. Anyway so I am on the way to pick her up. We had no real plans not that should have anything to do with it. Anyway she was about 20 min drive away. I am 15 min. She texts me. Asking in an impatient manner how long will you be? I will take the train if you are not here in minutes.  So there she is shwoing me how she won't  wait 10 min ? Didn't give me clear directions..then made it sound like she was doing me a big favor by waiting.  After i get nervous and start rushing? 
So. I ask you. When I finally saw her that day. Not being her boyfriend. Could I still have stated my displeasure in how she was being inconsiderate. And said something like. 
" hey what's the rush? I told you I was close. Why rush?
Or should I have been affraid as to not seem confrontational?

I don't know.  To me, it just sounded like unclear communication on both ends.  You could address it, but maybe it would be better to bring it up in a calm manner instead of confrontational.

 

[Restless soul]

Anyway back to what callie said. " move on" I made so many errors in the past weeks later. Months later. Texting people. Who just don't seem to care if I am alive or dead

 

[ardour]

I think you need to get to a certain point in a relationship, whether it be romantic or just friends, before it's beneficial to voice your grievances.

---

---

Calling someone out for ignoring you when they aren't  a close friend or partner will make you come across as needy and unstable. Don't do this by the way. But let's assume you already know that..

Regarding the advice from Callie about never speculating over other people's thoughts and motives (classic Callie comment by the way..) : I don't think it's possible to stop doing this completely. It's probably the biggest thing I struggle with right now. Thinking you can read the other's mind let's you recover some of your pride, but even if you're right, it's causing yourself a lot of stress in the process. If nothing else works, think about what it might be doing to your health. Obsessive, festering, resentful thoughts linger for ages and can eventually increase the likelihood of heart disease and cancer (there have been studies on this) .

Nothing is resolved by thinking you know what happened, far from it actually.

 

[Restless soul]

Callie said that 2 hours ago? I didn't even tell the story about picking up the girl then? Anyway? Just because you are not in a romantic relationship you cant make a peep. And pretend everything is cool? Let them walk all over you??

 

[ardour]

Someone being rude in a situation where you both agreed to meet is different from someone ignoring your text. One is about etiquette, basic consideration; the other about wanting something the other person doesn't.