I am Absolutely Pathetic.

[ohyoubetchayaah]

Hello. I am new to these forums; although, I've wrestled with the idea of joining before. Anyway, I don't mean to use this new thread as a means to ***** and moan about my problems; I just feel like venting. If I am out of line in posting this here, or if I am in any way offensive, please feel free to delete this. Thanks.

I'm 21 years old. I haven't had a steady job since 2009 which I quit because I felt I needed "a change". In hindsight, this decision to quit was absolutely idiotic. I was comfortable at that job. The three jobs I've had since haven't lasted long. I quit each of them because I found myself overwhelmed by either panic if I felt I wasn't being productive or shame if I made a mistake.

I still live with my parents, and they're becoming increasingly weary of my lack of motivation. This is another problem. What holds me back from becoming a productive member of society more than my social anxieties is a general lack of motivation. Couple this with the fact that I'm filled with such shame every time someone perceives a fault in me. Thing is, I'm too goddamn lazy to do anything about it but make up fictional stories to compensate for my lack of productivity. I was recently caught in one of these lies by my mother, but rather than man up and admit the truth, I extended the lie. I could see such disappointment in her face as she walked away from me; she claims to believe me, but I know she can see through my bullshit.

I have two friends, one of whom is a drug addict, the other is a hermit crab who is perfectly content being a hermit crab. Suffice it to say, I never go out. On the rare occasion that I do find myself in a social situation, it rarely lasts long. I spend all of my attention trying to make myself appear clever or interesting, but I run out of things to talk about after a few minutes. I have nothing to say to anyone. On top of that, I can never think of anything interesting to do. If people are naturally attracted to spontaneous people, I'm going to have a tough time making friends. I'm going to college in the autumn. I dunno, hopefully I'll be able to meet some people there.

Anyway, I'm trying to take steps towards bettering myself. I'm sorry for taking up space here. Perhaps someone may have a tip or two.

 

[IgnoredOne]

You need to find a passion, a reason to improve your life. You need to set a goal, or have a dream, then realize that by forcing yourself to take steps to that goal, you are accomplishing what it is what you desire.

Beyond that, you need to change the people that you associate with, even if it is only mentally. Read of people who are successful, motivated and active, disassociate yourself too much from people who aren't conductive to what you wish to be; the best way to become someone else, really, is to associate with peers who are like that.

By their stories, it resonates in way better than any mere words of advice can do. Let me know if it helps any.

 

[ashogo]

Hey.
I have a question. Did you always feel this lack of motivation and tendency towards isolation, even as a kid? Or if not, when did it start?

I ask because I've been in an extremely similar place as you. As a kid I was on the shy side but still social and energetic. But starting around the time I went to middle school I became more and more introverted, withdrawn. I found myself not speaking to anyone because I was so afraid of doing something wrong, of being rejected, of being judged, of everything. In High School I hardly even looked anyone in the eye because I was so scared of drawing attention to myself, and always felt as if every eye were on me, waiting for me to fresia up so they could laugh or yell at me for it. I used to be a fairly good students but by then I never even studied at all, I had absolutely no motivation. And much like you, I felt completely pathetic and inadequate, always feeling like I should be doing more. But I didn't, and I hated myself even more for it, a kind of endless loop.

Only recently, within the past couple years a few things happened that made me decide to go see a councilor. I was incredibly skeptical. I eventually went to a psychiatrist due to the recommendation of my second councilor, who went through similar experiences as a student...she suggested that when I hit puberty a chemical change could have occurred in my brain...of course that might not be the case at all either, but it kind of fits, and what do you know, the doctor said I had a form of minor chronic depression and prescribed me some medication. What, pop a pill to feel better? yeah, right. Do I even deserve this? A million doubts, but I went with it. It's been a couple months since I started taking medication and while it's subtle and I'm still working on things, I do think I've seen a shift in my perspective. It's easier to break from negative thought spirals, to see some meaning in things.

Wow, anyways I'm rambling, and maybe none of this even applies to you, but I do know where you're coming from dude. And trust me, you don't need to call yourself pathetic--you aren't. There's a reason you feel the way you do and you need to get to the core of it to move forward, but don't beat yourself up; not only is it counterproductive but you don't deserve it.

 

[IgnoredOne]

A personal warning about pills: when I was prescribed Zoloft, it didn't really help my overall situation but it did make me care less about it. I essentially failed for an entire summer because of that and I've come to be very wary - but it also helped me appreciate how fear of failing can be a good motivator for consistent behavior such as going to classes.

 

[ashogo]

It's true, meds are not for everyone; I certainly don't want to encourage blindly rushing to the pharmacy to grab pills. Just wanted to share my experience and show that it is something to think about.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I do agree that subtle medication/influence is best. I have this strong belief, to an extent, that medication is something akin to a crutch or a tool; it can get you to where you want to be, but a large part of it is also self-work. Its like trying to repair pipework in a house: having the best wrench won't help you if you don't put in the time to acquire the knowledge and skills as well.

 

[ashogo]

I don't think meds are a magic door to the perfect life--I don't think I would call them a crutch; a tool, yes. Anything abused or used in excess can be harmful, like any crutch, but for certain people meds can be like the helping hand that pulls you to your feet so that you can walk forward on your own. The ultimate change comes from your own effort--I think of the pill more as restoring you to your "normal" level of potential, if that makes sense.

 

[IgnoredOne]

Definitely. Tool use is one of the major things that distinguish humans from other animals and where they are relevant, I encourage their application. I think we're on the same level there.

 

[SophiaGrace]

You remind me of myself. I like you already.