discolemonade said:
What sucks? What do you hate? We're here to listen
1) I hate my job: My boss is a ******* *mod edit*. I have nothing but ill will towards her. You know how sometimes people say, "I wouldn't even wish that on my worst enemy," well I wish all those things on her. I've thought about quitting without a backup job because I hate it that much, but I'm not sure how long I can live like that.
2) The people in my life: I hate/strongly dislike/am starting to dislike the majority of them. I hate my immediate family -- all the years of crap I had to put up with and am still putting up...I am never going to forgive them. The friends I've had in my life and have today, I'm not sure if I ever really needed them. The people I hung out with in high school, now that I think about it I really should've beat the honeysuckle out of them with a baseball bat. The people I hang out with now...they also seem ******* worthless.
I'm always trying to help people with honeysuckle: trying to help them find jobs (okay, so they didn't get hired, but I did what I could), tried to help them with their personal honeysuckle (they don't take my advice anyway, so fresia them for not listening) and trying to help them with whatever random bullshit they're going through. The worst part about this is that it's in my nature to be help people, even people I hate. So no matter how ungrateful these fucks are, I'll never stop trying...I wish I could be coldblooded towards them.
3) I hate Myself. You can't have this much hate without hating something about yourself first. I think at one point I could've had a very successful, happy life...but somewhere along the line I messed it all up. God has given up on me and so has the rest of the world. There's absolutely nothing that can be done about it. Maybe it's time I commit myself to a mental institution and let them dope me up, so I don't have to worry about anymore crap.
I know this is a place where a lot of people who deal with loneliness come to. I hate being alone and I have trouble dealing with my loneliness. But sometimes I wonder if my life would be better if there were times where I chose to be alone instead of hungout with people who might've been holding me back.
I cannot stand this anymore. I have trouble sleeping because all I think about is how much I hate being alone. honeysuckle, sometimes I'll only get 3hours of sleep a night because all these thoughts keep me awake. I know some people will say, "Well it's your own fault for not doing anything about it." Ya'know what then, I guess it is my own ******* fault -- I PUT ALL THE BLAME ON MYSELF. I am completely incapable of fixing this honeysuckle (whether it's because of own weakness or because of forces outside of my control), so I deserve all of it.
And who the fresia can I talk to...NOBODY. I am not telling my family or friends about this because this isn't information that they deserve to know. I do not trust anyone enough to get close to them. And no ******* way am I going to see a therapist. I feel that if I let anyone get close to me, they're going to use that private information against me. My trust has been broken one too many times. It's come to the point where I don't see people as people anymore, I see them "assets." The whole time I'm thinking "What can that person do for me?" and not thinking about establishing a real relationship with someone. The only reason why I don't use others for personal gain is because it means nothing to me. I can have all this honeysuckle and and the end of the day I'll still feel like honeysuckle.
I kind of hate being this way. I wish there was someone I could completely confide in so I could let all of this out. But that's not going to happen. All I'd like to do is smash my head into the ******* wall.
I've honestly given up on myself and humanity in general. I see only bad things in people now, and people who act really nice I see the worst in. To me, that person who's acting very nice is putting on a performance because he/she is really evil-as-fresia. I expect everyone to be an ******* at the end of the day.
I am going to die an old, lonely and completely insane man.