I need to find the real me

[Estreen]

I wish I were more interesting, and found something to make me stand out a bit more. There's something inside of me that just doesn't click; something's off. I feel almost as though I'm disconnected from the rest of humanity, or missing a key circuit or something.

I want to get myself to the point where I stop apologizing for who I am; there are plenty of people out there who are worse off than I, and they make no apologies for who they are or what they do, and it's time I started sticking up for myself a bit more when criticized or put down.

I'm still missing something as well... There's some sort of passion missing. No real big interests or hobbies. The only thing I've really had to focus on in the past 4 years is my relationship with my boyfriend, which is my only real accomplishment in life thus far. I've had little to no interest in school, talents (or lack thereof), interests, etc. Seems like there's nothing/not much to me. I'd like to have SOMETHING like sports or get hooked on a specific anime/manga, or get into collecting something; I don't care for the specifics so much as I just want something to get involved in that takes my interest, and so far I haven't really found much that does hold my interest, other than a love of comedy films n' stand-up comedy. =P Which, I suppose that is one thing that I do have interest in, but nothing I'm passionate about or anything that one can really get into. I'm hoping to not only gain a better understanding of myself, but to find something that I can find like-minded people to share/discuss it with.

I'm tempted to apologize for the rambling-ness of this post, but I'm going to refrain, as I stated above that I need to stop doing just that.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

((((estreen))))

will...maybe disconnected is better than having your wires crossed. (like me)

I'm glad you're taking a stand.

I play and write music....that's me. The guitar man or crazy axe man...lmao
I havn't been pluging in lately. yeah..i feel disconnected.

I fly or build remote control models as a hobbies. I have a fleet of models in storage.
I havn't been out to the flying field for a couple of years. I feel my wings are broken.

yeah...I been dealing with a broken heart lately.

I've been attending meetings a lot..working on my steps alot...reading and writing in great depth. I'm trying to get well.
I'm stuck on fucken #3...i feel disconnected from my HP or god...I can't wrap my head around that honeysuckle anymore.
Yeah when music comes through it's like god is writing it through me..through my finger tips, through my instrument
and express through a marshall stack.

I do remember as a child...as messed up as it was...i never knew what a normal childhood was.
I do know I played music before girls came around.
I do know I played music even when JC didn't come and saved my ass when my head was going to get bashed in. Bang your head...lol

 

[Unacceptance]

So you want to become a nerd with a weird hobby? Trust me, it's not as fruitful as you think.

 

[SilentThinker]

My hobbies change from time to time.My longest hobby was playing chinese chess for 8 years in the past but now the zeal for it was gone.

Guess you really need a something to keep you going to be interested in a hobby or an interest.

 

[Estreen]

Thanks for the laugh Unacceptance.

Well, it's more than just finding a hobby for me. Right now when people talk to me, it ends up going nowhere, because you can only talk about music and movies for so long before one gets bored. It doesn't happen all the time, and I can talk about other things, but when it comes to me initiating conversation it's hard, for I have little to nothing to say, and yet at the same time I'd love to be knee-deep into a good discussion. My strengths are in commenting about things going on around me and the person/people to whom I'm talking, so it's actually usually easier for me to talk to people in person, as I am more successful at starting convos that way.

Just a lot of little things are bothering me right now. I know I'll never be the world's most interesting person, and I won't always have something to say, but I have little material to talk about, and it limits me on socializing a bit, and I feel getting myself into something will help me kinda find who I am a bit more, and give me something that I can use to relate to others as well. I think I just need to open myself up to some new things and figure out just what it is I like.

 

[TheLonelySkeptic]

If you're going to get hooked on anything, make it something worthwhile and not something like sports or anime. xDDD

And I think Estreen is a pretty cool guy, eh she deals with my honeysuckle and doesn't afraid of anything.

 

[Unacceptance]

Thanks for the laugh Unacceptance.

Well, it's more than just finding a hobby for me. Right now when people talk to me, it ends up going nowhere, because you can only talk about music and movies for so long before one gets bored. It doesn't happen all the time, and I can talk about other things, but when it comes to me initiating conversation it's hard, for I have little to nothing to say, and yet at the same time I'd love to be knee-deep into a good discussion. My strengths are in commenting about things going on around me and the person/people to whom I'm talking, so it's actually usually easier for me to talk to people in person, as I am more successful at starting convos that way.

Just a lot of little things are bothering me right now. I know I'll never be the world's most interesting person, and I won't always have something to say, but I have little material to talk about, and it limits me on socializing a bit, and I feel getting myself into something will help me kinda find who I am a bit more, and give me something that I can use to relate to others as well. I think I just need to open myself up to some new things and figure out just what it is I like.

See there's a few issues there that make it a lose-lose situation.

First there's the assumption that the average dumby is capable of a deep conversation and/or cares enough to get into a conversation. A lot of people make bullshit small talk to be polite and generally have no other interest in you. Second you have the risk of becoming your new hobby and having nothing else to talk about anyway. Then it'll be like "Oh great here comes the anime girl." and it ends up hurting more than helping your outward socially life persona. Third it depends on the type of person you want to project yourself as. Maybe folks will dig you better as the quiet thoughtful type and those conversation types you desire will come your way anyway just fewer and further between but well, more worthwhile.

That's not to discourage you (as fun as discouraging folks and shattering dreams can be) from trying to be more social and whatnot, it's more of a guide for things to look out for. Since I'm essentially a living version of "what not to do." Good luck with that though.

 

[Brian]

I used to have nothing to talk about at all, until I started working.

Not only can you talk about work itself, but you can also talk with your friends about the people you work with and anything related that happens. You get a job and basically you're just out and about more. I found it to be a real social/conversational catalyst.

More meaningful conversations happen less frequently, and usually only after people are used to these casual topics.

 

[Unacceptance]

TALK ABOUT THE SIZE OF YOUR ORIFICES.

 

[ExtensivexLDL]

TALK ABOUT THE SIZE OF YOUR ORIFICES.

Are you mental?

 

[Unacceptance]

TALK ABOUT THE SIZE OF YOUR ORIFICES.

Are you mental?

Ele-mental.

 

[Estreen]

If you're going to get hooked on anything, make it something worthwhile and not something like sports or anime. xDDD

And I think Estreen is a pretty cool guy, eh she deals with my honeysuckle and doesn't afraid of anything.

A pretty cool GUY? Err, typo?

Well yeah; I'm not very much into sports (except moderately when post-season/World Series starts up and the Red Sox are in it), and I do like some animes, but I haven't been engrossed/borderline obsessed with one since...freshman/sophomore year in high school. >_> I get what you're saying though, and I do want to find something that *I* like, not JUST because other people like it, and I would like to find it worthwhile.

See there's a few issues there that make it a lose-lose situation.

First there's the assumption that the average dumby is capable of a deep conversation and/or cares enough to get into a conversation. A lot of people make bullshit small talk to be polite and generally have no other interest in you. Second you have the risk of becoming your new hobby and having nothing else to talk about anyway. Then it'll be like "Oh great here comes the anime girl." and it ends up hurting more than helping your outward socially life persona. Third it depends on the type of person you want to project yourself as. Maybe folks will dig you better as the quiet thoughtful type and those conversation types you desire will come your way anyway just fewer and further between but well, more worthwhile.

That's not to discourage you (as fun as discouraging folks and shattering dreams can be) from trying to be more social and whatnot, it's more of a guide for things to look out for. Since I'm essentially a living version of "what not to do." Good luck with that though.

I get what you're saying Unacceptance, but that's not all of why I want to find this for myself. I'm not looking to become some geek, or to use this purely as fodder for conversations as I do understand that sometimes (or a lot of times actually) there's just little to nothing to talk about. I would like to feel more connected, or at least have something to say to more commonly discussed "small talk" topics, like for instance the video game chat that came up in group chat on Xat yesterday. I had pretty much nothing to say because I'm not much of a gamer and I never really branched out and tried anything on my own, due to not many games appealing to me enough to try them. There's nothing really wrong with that, but it seems to happen with a lot of things: music, movies, current events, books, etc. I'm tired of feeling like a clueless dimwit.

I'm not looking at this with the intention of trying to know everything either, but to at least know the basics or things that are considered "common knowledge" by most. Heck, I didn't even know about the Chris Brown/Rihanna domestic abuse thing until...maybe a week ago? My mom knew about it, all my friends did as well; it's like everywhere, but I'm one of the last people to know, as always. Not that that's a priority in my life, to know about the goings-on in celebrities' lives, but it makes me feel slow when my friends who don't have cable or watch TV period, know this before I do. Bah.

I'm sure the reasons I'm giving are sounding silly or minute, but like I said before, it's a mixture of a lot of little things, and I don't think I'm really getting my points across very well either.

I used to have nothing to talk about at all, until I started working.

Not only can you talk about work itself, but you can also talk with your friends about the people you work with and anything related that happens. You get a job and basically you're just out and about more. I found it to be a real social/conversational catalyst.

More meaningful conversations happen less frequently, and usually only after people are used to these casual topics.

Yeah, when I was working it did give me something to talk about at times and got me exposed to different people, conversations, situations, etc.

I love meaningful conversations, but I'd settle for light conversations, provided I could actually hold up my end of it. ^^; I mean, I don't want some utterly boring, stupid convo that makes me wanna bang my head against the wall, but a talk about...well...almost anything really, as long as it keeps going and is entertaining on some level.

I think I end up making people feel like I don't want to talk to them or like they're being ignored or something when I fail to respond or don't talk to them for some time. Thing of it is, I just either dunno what to say or the convos always lead to nowhere and die after the first few minutes.

I just wish I could keep conversations going online like how I keep them going in real life, but I have difficulty with the small talk aspect, and since I'm not overly interested in video games, have moderate interests in movies and music (as in only certain specific topics will really arouse my interest enough to talk about it), and a few miscellaneous interests, I then find it hard to connect and carry on even (sometimes) with the most casual of conversations.

 

[SilentThinker]

I'm not looking at this with the intention of trying to know everything either, but to at least know the basics or things that are considered "common knowledge" by most. Heck, I didn't even know about the Chris Brown/Rihanna domestic abuse thing until...maybe a week ago? My mom knew about it, all my friends did as well; it's like everywhere, but I'm one of the last people to know, as always. Not that that's a priority in my life, to know about the goings-on in celebrities' lives, but it makes me feel slow when my friends who don't have cable or watch TV period, know this before I do. Bah.

I'm sure the reasons I'm giving are sounding silly or minute, but like I said before, it's a mixture of a lot of little things, and I don't think I'm really getting my points across very well either.

It is not silly,definitely.My friends talk about Chuck Norris and I was like,"Who is he?"There were many periods of time that I wanted songs from someone and I do not know the name of the song.One song I remembered was kind of like repeating stop and stare and I do not know the writer of the song.

I think I end up making people feel like I don't want to talk to them or like they're being ignored or something when I fail to respond or don't talk to them for some time. Thing of it is, I just either dunno what to say or the convos always lead to nowhere and die after the first few minutes.

I just wish I could keep conversations going online like how I keep them going in real life, but I have difficulty with the small talk aspect, and since I'm not overly interested in video games, have moderate interests in movies and music (as in only certain specific topics will really arouse my interest enough to talk about it), and a few miscellaneous interests, I then find it hard to connect and carry on even (sometimes) with the most casual of conversations.

I really have nothing to talk about with friends because it was like nothing to talk about.

I never liked to play games that has anything to do with vampires,zombies,spirits and other supernaturals.To get myself to connect with the group,I reluctantly played a game called Left 4 Dead and I intentionally talked about it all day.

I remembered that I was the worst soccer player you could find in the field and I was always forced to be the goalkeeper because I am bad at other key positions.But then,most of my friends played and I again reluctantly played and have something to talk.

 

[Unacceptance]

It can be fun to be clueless. You can get into a conversation just by asking about it.

Also, it's impossible to keep up with everything.

IMPOSSIBLE

 

[Estreen]

It can be fun to be clueless. You can get into a conversation just by asking about it.

Also, it's impossible to keep up with everything.

IMPOSSIBLE

This is true.

My boyfriend must use RSS feeds, get sent alerts, or something, because almost every time there's a video I show him or something I heard and want to tell him, he already knows or has already seen it. -.-; It's discouraging at times. Bah.

@ SilentThinker:
I hear ya. It seems like sometimes that if I want to feel more connected to people or be able to actively participate in discussions with friends/other people, that I need to always join in with what they're doing or get involved with something they like or else remain on the outside looking in, but....sometimes I think that's wrong. I don't think one should have to force themself to do something just to try to impress or get along with another person. But then, on the flip side, if you don't, it's not like they're going to try to bend over backwards and try to find something you like and join it; they'll just keep doing what they want to do (for the most part) and you're just left there.

My bottom line is: I'm not going to force myself to like anything, just for some other person. I can be open to things and try things, but I don't have to like/do something just because someone else or a group of people like to do it. If I happen to like what they like, then great! If not, hopefully there's something else we can share. *shrugs*