One of the reasons I stopped drinking at a very young age was it made me depressed as hell.
I was going through a very challenging time in my life drinking and partying all the time was
the way I used to escape, cope or numb the fresia out . Eventaully it didn't mattered how messed up I got.
Aside from not facing or working through my problems I accumilated more problems.
It became a visous cycle becuase my body became dependent on alcohol. Alcohol is a depressent..
I'd get up with hung overs and felt depressed as hell...So I'd drink to numb the fresia out from my hung over.
I had to drink just to feel normal...but normal wasn't normal anymore.lol
Also being in a depressive state my perception of life changed and became a bit wrap.
Gradaully my life became more and more unmanageble..the more unmanageable it got...the more messed up
and partying I did..lol It got progressive with compounded interest after a while.
Hell even my drinking and getting high buddies didn't wanna hang out with me anymore
honeysuckle even I didn't wanna hang out with me anymore...so I got more messed up to escape from my own fucken shadow.
I had to hit a bottom...and I wanted to end my life again....
It wasn't the easist thing in the world to give up drinking and using...but I had to stop putting chemicles
into my system that wasn't healthy for me so I can get well, process life with a clearer mind.
I had to stop the visouse cycle of chemicle dependency first...First things first.
Yeah...drugs and alcohol kicked my ass...
I started attending support groups to seek help. There were plenty of people there that understood me,
Went through simular experinces. Stoping drinking and using didn't solved all of my problems, however
with cleaer thinking I was able to work through my problems...mentally, emotionally and spiritaully.
I also learned / gained healthier copping skills and living tools.
I worked through guilt issues, adandenment issues, abused issued, selfesteem issues...and a crap loads of other issues.
I don't lack motivation....I don't lack anything.
The thing about motivations is.....I'm either more motivated to be lazy, lay in bed all day or more motivated to get up off of my ass to do something about my life.
I wouldn't change overnite...Obviousely I wanted my life to change overnite...sueicide is another extreem case of me wanting a quick fix to everything.lol
It was my perminate salution to an tempory circumstance...drinking and using was just that for me...a quick fix.
So I took baby steps....5%. I set small goal that I can accomplished...honeysuckle, even those little goals were a challenge to me at first.
As simple as just getting out of my house for an hour each day or doing 5-10 sit ups everyday...
I built on that....whatever success i had...even the slightest sucess I had such as getting up every morning a taking a shower.
If I didn't drink for that day...I was sucessful for that day. Slowly I gain my selfesteem and self discipline back.
I'm a musician....I have the motivations, love ,passion and dicipline within me already...practice...practice ..practice.
hahahaaa..I didn't come out of the womb knowing all the music scales or knew how to played the guitar...I had dedicate myself and practice a lot.
It felt the same when I first learned how to play my guitar....it felt awkward as hell and I maDE a honeysuckle loads of mistakes...but I practiced everyday.
I simply just had to apply these principles in other area of my life.
I also had to stop comparing myself to other people.
I can go for a 5-10 miles bike ride now...I can do 50 sit ups today, now.
Sometimes i couldn't even do it oneday at a time...I had to do it an hour at a time or even 5 mins at a time.
Sometimes my day would turn out all messed up...I allow myself to start my day over again...a freah start. I gave myself a break.
I stopped beating up on myself. I stopped judging and condeming myself. (if I did this...obviously I'm not going to let other comdem me either)..
I did reseach on the inner vioce...everybody has this. My previouse inner vioce was too critical or self comdeming.
I simply followed the instructions, practice and apllied it. I simply replace the "I can't" to " I can".
I had to sit still in a quite place to be able to recogonized my critical inner vioce...it was very subtle. I'd catch it sooner and sooner when I comdem myself.
It wasn't easy at first..becuase I'd get up in the morning and my mind would go on AUTO PILOT of negative thinking. I had to practicing control my mind.
mmmm...bascailly sometimes I can't control my mind....I just don't listen the to BS it throws at me and run with it...The principle of cease fighting, acceptence and letting go.
Errr....if i don't listen to my own negative BS....obviousely, I not going to listen to other people's neagative BS and run with that either.lol
I'm the master of my brain and mind...If I don't control it....It'll control me.lol I had to break those unhealhty habits....
Will honeysuckle...if I had to practice controling my own mind...I'm not going to let anyone else control it either.
In a nutshell...there's nothing wrong with me. It's just me not being aware of it through old fualty programming of competing, comparing, guilt, shame, comforming of how
other people think or feel how I should live my life in accordance to thier beliefs, morals, values, the lesson and teaching they wanted me to learn.
As I healed, I became more aware or became more consious as my mind open. I am Free to think, feel, belief, and live as I chose...There's nothing worng with me.
Knowing this truth for myself...I'm no logner compel to get messed up or drunk to be ok with me. I no longer need to escape from me or life.
Knowing that I'm free and there nothing wrong with me...I am no longer compelled to bend over backwards just to fit in, allow myself to get missed treated or be manipulated by anyone.
Obiviously...those that wants to control me or tell me how to live would keep re-enforcing that there's something fucken wrong with me...The god **** epxerts.lmao
As if I need an expert's opinion and permission to live...so they can sell thier books (ideas) or fucken persciptions of how I should live Or whatever the fresia terms, labels and conditions
they fucken make up...Just becuase it has mulit sylibals of retardedNeedienestcomplexUrfuckedUpAndwRongSyndrom...just makes it sounds intelligent.
Ya probably have to be pretty god **** way the fresia out there to come up with words that the experts come up with.lol
It's a fucken endless cycle of insanity of keeping me in a fixing mode.. Wheather I do whatever to fresia they think I should do or self medicate of fixing..fixing fixing.lmao
Hello??? I don't wanna fixed...that's becuase theres nothing wrong with me.
I also had to learn and recognize my feelings and emotions. I took the same approched as I did with my music...
I didn't know what I was feeling or missed lable them. I simply just made a list of posiable emotions and feelings and expending on my emotions volcabuary.
The more I did this...the more emotionally mature I became.
I'm not me feelings or emotions...I experince or feel my emotions. It helped me to recognize the guilt, shame and fear I was feeling. Sometime I would make
unhealthy decisions base on my emotions. Other times I allowed myself to be manipuilated by others through guilt, shame or fears...
I no longer have to be held emotionally hostage...
I also learned how to trust myself and my own intuition of what is right for me....What's right for others dosn't necessary ment it was right nor healthy for me.
There's a simple saying or slogon in recovery....
" what works for me might kill ya.....what works for you might kill me"....
Recovery had been a process of setting me free as a person....beyound just the drinking and using.
Abusing drugs and alcohol was just a symtoms of my deeper inner problems or challenges...
Heck i don't even think there's problems in my life anymore...that's my attitude now...they're just challenges that I know I came overcome.
I have the power within myself to do so. I lack nothing. I was born with the abilties and power to solve any challenges as any human being that was ever borned.
I don't lack courage either...I already have it...I was borned with this ability.
My inner vioce or dialogue is neutral...it dosn't care what I put in there. I'm free to change it to whatever I want and chose to. I re programmed myself.
Well....commonsence tells me. maybe I ought to be supportive and loving to myself. After all, I live with myself 24/7s.
I had to stop being my own worst enemy and be my own best friend. That's the riddle to "love your enemy" ...ya know. I was my own worst enemy.
I also had to stop playing the victim...I was my own victim.....I make a crapping ass victim...I whine too god **** much.lmao
I bascailly ignore people that were negative or wasn't supportive of me...I don't need that honeysuckle in my life today. (my selfesteem has gotten better)
As corning as I was....I made myself look in the mirror everyday and tell myself I love myself no matter what...and I still practice doing this.
I also had to stop taking myself so god **** serious all the fucken time and luagh at myself....I'm serious about this.
Once I can luagh at myself...Well honeysuckle, it breaks the spill of other people laughing at me or judging me. Bacailly I stopped worring what other people think about me...
honeysuckle.... i stopped worrying what I think about myself for all that matters...
Laghter is healing...it's a natural process of releasing of stress.