Is it me?...

[CenotaphGirl]

My biggest fear is to wake up tomorrow... weird, but it's the reason I don't sleep. Something about waking up fills me with "how many more times..."
I still feel so helpless all the time, but, there never has been any relief from that since the attack. I have a multitude of mental health issues but, the thing I hate the most is my brain injury.

It makes me someone else, I always thought I was my brain, everything else is like its car. So, people tampered with the "body" of the car, I can buff that out, right? hope no one else can tell, but what about all the inner mechanics... what about the brain? I cant just buff that out.

I'm afraid, afraid of the surgeries, I will be less and less of me... but alive? Is that worth it? I went to the neurologist and sat there, hearing nothing... my mum was smiling and so happy...They said they can operate through my nose, cut some of me.. my brain? away... leaving no scar. My mum said, look you can still be a model, half bouncing off her seat, I know she was trying her best...
It really didn't help, I felt like screaming "SO WHAT!?!?!?!?" so... *******... what... I just wanna know what they are cutting, and if its me... and google is not helping.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

You're scheduled for a lobotomy?
Did I read that right?

 

[Finished]

My biggest fear is to wake up tomorrow... weird, but it's the reason I don't sleep. Something about waking up fills me with "how many more times..."
I still feel so helpless all the time, but, there never has been any relief from that since the attack. I have a multitude of mental health issues but, the thing I hate the most is my brain injury.

It makes me someone else, I always thought I was my brain, everything else is like its car. So, people tampered with the "body" of the car, I can buff that out, right? hope no one else can tell, but what about all the inner mechanics... what about the brain? I cant just buff that out.

I'm afraid, afraid of the surgeries, I will be less and less of me... but alive? Is that worth it? I went to the neurologist and sat there, hearing nothing... my mum was smiling and so happy...They said they can operate through my nose, cut some of me.. my brain? away... leaving no scar. My mum said, look you can still be a model, half bouncing off her seat, I know she was trying her best...
It really didn't help, I felt like screaming "SO WHAT!?!?!?!?" so... *******... what... I just wanna know what they are cutting, and if its me... and google is not helping.

****! Well, I would assume you asked what they plan on doing? After they tell you that you can maybe look that up? What have the doctors said may or may not happen? I definitely wouldn't do anything until I fully understood what they were going to do and what the side effects might be.

On the bright side the brain is awesome especially when it's still young and fresh like yours. If one part of it gets damaged another part can take over what no longer works. But, that will take time and effort.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Fortunately, from what I can gather, you are quite young: early twenties or something.. So, that is a very good thing, when it comes to brain injury. The brain is a very good at routing around damage and compensating.

It's a terrible thing, I think, to lose a sense of self; it can be very, very difficult. I've been through it several times now..

I heard a bhuddist monk say something like, "Try not to cling to what was in the past." I find that hard, because, what was back there was so important; they go on to say, "What you seek that is behind you, might come back in a new form, in the future."

It's like going back to an old town you used to live in, because you miss it so much; but, it's just not the same anymore. :/ But, there is usually hope for another day

All that, would for me, be very scary, sad, infuriating...
Hang tough...
Everyday is a new beginning, I once told myself..

 

[ewomack]

You have every right to know exactly what they may do to you. Don't settle for anything less than your fully understanding the risks and implications of any procedure. It's your brain, after all, no one else's.

Do you know why they want to perform the surgeries or procedures? I remember you mentioning an attack or an assault a while back, but I might have missed that you suffered brain injuries as a result. That puts a different tone on a lot of things.

Find out what you can and make yourself a part of the decision making process.

 

[Adamridge79]

So, your takeaway, maybe your moms' was you could still be a model? This invites so many jokes. But, when your brain is so messed up, and people question how you can even feed yourself, you have horrible doubts. You find people are so unaccustomed to receiving that information, they focus on the weirdest honeysuckle. No one is cutting anything from there on me. But, if there is solid science behind it, it's something to at least contemplate. And, if the prognosis is a better life, it's a strong maybe.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

You're scheduled for a lobotomy?
Did I read that right?

****! Well, I would assume you asked what they plan on doing? After they tell you that you can maybe look that up? What have the doctors said may or may not happen? I definitely wouldn't do anything until I fully understood what they were going to do and what the side effects might be.

On the bright side the brain is awesome especially when it's still young and fresh like yours. If one part of it gets damaged another part can take over what no longer works. But, that will take time and effort.

No, it's to fix some sort of swollen gland in my brain. They said it's two parts, first they operate then I go back in for another procedure to stop fluid from my brain leaking from my nose... it's all so bloody gross weird, I just dont know if its worth it, I just feel so afraid.

Honestly Finished I know what they will do.. it just creeps me out because I feel like my brain it's me, I dont wanna lose me, if it goes wrong ... I cant even read the risks, you know?

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Fortunately, from what I can gather, you are quite young: early twenties or something.. So, that is a very good thing, when it comes to brain injury. The brain is a very good at routing around damage and compensating.

It's a terrible thing, I think, to lose a sense of self; it can be very, very difficult. I've been through it several times now..

I heard a bhuddist monk say something like, "Try not to cling to what was in the past." I find that hard, because, what was back there was so important; they go on to say, "What you seek that is behind you, might come back in a new form, in the future."

It's like going back to an old town you used to live in, because you miss it so much; but, it's just not the same anymore. :/ But, there is usually hope for another day

All that, would for me, be very scary, sad, infuriating...
Hang tough...
Everyday is a new beginning, I once told myself..

Ugh, yeah I am young thankfully, but it's just so gross and scary right? Do you think you'd maybe shut your eyes and do what the doctors think is best, or try and figure things out without medical intervention, they put me on some strong medication to shrink it, but it's to shrink it until it's small enough to do via the nose so I have no scar and less recovery time. I know someone who had a more invasive procedure and she has a scar in her hair somewhere, but hers was for something else I think.

You have every right to know exactly what they may do to you. Don't settle for anything less than your fully understanding the risks and implications of any procedure. It's your brain, after all, no one else's.

Do you know why they want to perform the surgeries or procedures? I remember you mentioning an attack or an assault a while back, but I might have missed that you suffered brain injuries as a result. That puts a different tone on a lot of things.

Find out what you can and make yourself a part of the decision making process.

Yeah I do know, im just afraid and it's a little gross and graphic but it's a swollen gland they are trying to remove. I cant really listen to it, I wanted my mum to listen but she can barely handle it to be honest, she just blanks it out too. When we went to the first appointment she ran out of the hospital, I think she was having a panic attack or something, because we had to go to the cancer ward. They needed to find out if it was a result of the attack or cancer first, so that was... interesting. My mum maybe asked her friend and she probs said focus on the good points and be strong for me, so now she sits in the appointments with me... being stupid and smiling and making comments that are just a bit off ... but I know she's trying her best. Just wish I had my dad, he was better at all this.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

So, your takeaway, maybe your moms' was you could still be a model? This invites so many jokes. But, when your brain is so messed up, and people question how you can even feed yourself, you have horrible doubts. You find people are so unaccustomed to receiving that information, they focus on the weirdest honeysuckle. No one is cutting anything from there on me. But, if there is solid science behind it, it's something to at least contemplate. And, if the prognosis is a better life, it's a strong maybe.

Yeah my mum is simply not helping, she wanted me to be happy but I just wanted her to ask things like, can she wait a little longer? Is there any more medicine. I know im an adult but when im in there I just feel so intimidated, I feel like a child, because im scared and I just want my dad. I dont feel like the adult me.

Can I ask why you'd say no, would you feel differently if it was another part of your body? Do you think the brain is special?

 

[Adamridge79]

Oh, I have found they have no clue how my brain actually works. It's basically like the Wright Brothers learning to fly. They messed up so many times. As have my so called 'professionals' I have to be the one that deals with the consequences. So, give me something concrete, don't falter on your answer. If you do, we'll, next.

 

[Adamridge79]

Keep in mind, I was restricted and locked up for 3 weeks before I just said, 'fine, whatever let's me see grass again'

 

[Adamridge79]

I do need to ask...why such a severe reaction? You seem normal enough

 

[Adamridge79]

Well, maybe a bit narcissistic, but normalish

 

[Adamridge79]

All quiet....all fronts...

 

[Colster]

From what you have described, this sounds like a relatively regular procedure. The swelling is obviously causing issues of which could probably be mapped within the brain, purely by a collective of your symptoms.

Take a look at Phineas Gage, who had a huge metal pry bar go through his skull. Baring in mind the knowledge and technology available in the 1800's, yet he recovered and lived until a ripe old age.

Similarly, one of my ex's had a grapefruit sized tumour, which resulted in the loss of one complete hemisphere of her brain. She's still very much alive.

The brain has such plasticity, it will recover at an extraordinary rate. And contrary to popular belief, it does not fully develop until we reach out mid to late 20's. Likewise, your brain cannot feel pain, and it is entirely possible for invasive surgery, and I do mean invasive, without the patient feeling a thing.

Like the car analogy, it is entirely possible to go into the engine without disassembling it, and alter, remove, or change routes of information. This can still be done with the engine running. Engines themselves now regularly shut off half of their functions whilst the car is being driven.

So much like a car, you have a check engine light on, and it does not necessarily mean that everything is broken beyond repair. Rather than one part is impeding the ability to function most efficiently. They will fix that part, or even remove it, and you'll be functioning efficiently again.

But do remember, you have a right to question, a second opinion, and likewise their are organisations that can provide further information or Macmillan friends.

Again, just in the basis of what information has been provide over the course of numerous posts, I doubt you have anything that you should be worried about with the procedure.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

No, it's to fix some sort of swollen gland in my brain. They said it's two parts, first they operate then I go back in for another procedure to stop fluid from my brain leaking from my nose... it's all so bloody gross weird, I just dont know if its worth it, I just feel so afraid.

Honestly Finished I know what they will do.. it just creeps me out because I feel like my brain it's me, I dont wanna lose me, if it goes wrong ... I cant even read the risks, you know?

That sounds serious though. ;-/
The good news is, brain surgery is much more advanced and sophisticated than it used to be.
Neuroscience is literally its own field, so if there are any side effects about the procedure they should be able to tell you up front if it's a risk or not.
What's the name of the diagnosis? I might be able to do some digging online and pull some stuff up for you about the recovery process etc.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

All quiet....all fronts...

Yeah I had to go earlier than usual today,

Keep in mind, I was restricted and locked up for 3 weeks before I just said, 'fine, whatever let's me see grass again'

Oh wow, seriously? Sounds awful.

I do need to ask...why such a severe reaction? You seem normal enough

I have a lot of issues due to the stupid gland, I was gonna go to the states for a 3rd opinion but my mum thinks it'll be harder for me out there because I'll have to deal with everything in a different country.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

From what you have described, this sounds like a relatively regular procedure. The swelling is obviously causing issues of which could probably be mapped within the brain, purely by a collective of your symptoms.

Take a look at Phineas Gage, who had a huge metal pry bar go through his skull. Baring in mind the knowledge and technology available in the 1800's, yet he recovered and lived until a ripe old age.

Similarly, one of my ex's had a grapefruit sized tumour, which resulted in the loss of one complete hemisphere of her brain. She's still very much alive.

The brain has such plasticity, it will recover at an extraordinary rate. And contrary to popular belief, it does not fully develop until we reach out mid to late 20's. Likewise, your brain cannot feel pain, and it is entirely possible for invasive surgery, and I do mean invasive, without the patient feeling a thing.

Like the car analogy, it is entirely possible to go into the engine without disassembling it, and alter, remove, or change routes of information. This can still be done with the engine running. Engines themselves now regularly shut off half of their functions whilst the car is being driven.

So much like a car, you have a check engine light on, and it does not necessarily mean that everything is broken beyond repair. Rather than one part is impeding the ability to function most efficiently. They will fix that part, or even remove it, and you'll be functioning efficiently again.

But do remember, you have a right to question, a second opinion, and likewise their are organisations that can provide further information or Macmillan friends.

Again, just in the basis of what information has been provide over the course of numerous posts, I doubt you have anything that you should be worried about with the procedure.

Ugh... a grapefruit.... yikes... she must have had a scar with that thing. Good she's okay though. I'm gonna be asleep like a baby for the procedure but I am afraid.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

That sounds serious though. ;-/
The good news is, brain surgery is much more advanced and sophisticated than it used to be.
Neuroscience is literally its own field, so if there are any side effects about the procedure they should be able to tell you up front if it's a risk or not.
What's the name of the diagnosis? I might be able to do some digging online and pull some stuff up for you about the recovery process etc.

It's honeysuckle, im angry that some jerks have messed with my life this much... but it is what it is, I just wish I wasn't so afraid. and awh thats okay I would say... but I dont want anyone using it against me on here... some have a habit of doing that. It's the one thing I dont really joke about or take lightly, you know? The recovery was explained in the first appointment and I swear... all I heard was static like nothing that was said... how strange.

 

[Abstamyous]

Wow this all sounds terrifying and gross! I don't really have anything to add, but I hope that you find healing in whichever path you go.