Know Thy Cause?

[Zeek]

Some of us have been lonely for a short time. Some of us have been lonely all of our lives. This thread is a way of discussing the root cause (if any) and hopefully help or relate to others...

I'll start by saying my cause was an abusive marriage/being abandoned. I was never one to sit around when younger and feel 'lonely' enough to think it was permanent. However, I did have self-esteem issues when younger which sent me in a tailspin near the end of my marriage a few years ago. This lead to the loneliness and isolation I feel today. But I know deep inside that this feeling is temporary, even though it seems like it's been around since birth...

 

[apathy]

Because I'm me. If I look at myself through other people's eyes (based on their reactions and whatnot), the kids in school would probably label me as eccentric, calm, collected but mysterious all the same. Afew months back, these two guys in my year went up to me and started to show me a lot of attention. To be honest, I've never really been given much attention and to some extend, that hasn't bothered me since I was a child. In elementary school, I was that kid who would zone out at the back of class, thinking about 'what-if' scenarios and immersing myself in reading. I rarely spoke, but I thought a lot.

Back home, with a religious extremist for a father and an overbearing (and I suspect, highly neurotic) mother, I hardly spoke either. I have always had a problem with communicating when I've always been, literally, backhanded in the face for ever attempting to express myself. So, from age five to twelve, obviously I got the idea that no one was interested in what I wanted to say. By merely observing, I picked up on similar behavioural patterns in the people around me and learnt from an early age that if you weren't part of the tribe, you'd be singled out. Fear is also a big part of our lives where all too often, many project their fears unto others... which is a big pain in the ass. I never "joined the tribe" or conformed but learnt to survive by putting on a facade of complacency and apathy, a cold hard exterior.

Lately, I've been questioning my behaviour. All these walls that I put up around me, ultimately, what good would that do for me? I'm alright with being on my own but that doesn't mean I never feel lonely. *Snort* Funny thing, most people in school think I'm an emotionless ***** anyway. So they throw me backhanded comments and I just take it, or come up with a witty remark. Maybe my personality is offputting to most of the people around me.
Ah, I digressed again. Back to what I brought up before, those guys who had shown an interest in me? Curiosity (ironically, mine) killed the cat, indeed. Rarely, I would let down my walls to a select few. That was one of the times that I did. However, even after I had led down the walls, there was still a gap between us. I had felt that they were ignoring a big part of me, like as if they had wanted to change me. So it did sort of hurt when they realized that I wasn't what I looked to be..... and then they just stopped.. wanting to be friends with me. I knew that people still existed even after they had nothing to say to me, but that still hurt all the same.

So... the cause is.... probably a mixture of unfavourable external conditions such as not being around the right people at the right time... and my tendency to not approach anyone unless approached.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I was coming out of a relationship that gone toxic. The first 7 years was great. The turning piont was when the twins died. 2 weeks prior
to that her father died. It sent her into a tail spend and she was never quite the same after that. She relasped into her addictions or aquired different addictions (gambling) to cope or escape her pains of lost. Started abusing drugs N alcohol too. It went all down hill from
that day. I spent the next 5 years just trying to be stronge for her.
So the chaos and madness of it all. Graully i started to form a relationship with another woman.

After i broke up with my ex-gf for the 100th times. My new gf died..so that sent my ass into a tail spend. All the turama, grieving
and waking up everyday seeing an image of a dead woman..drove me fucken nutz. I totally just gave up, checked out and didn't want
to do this living stuff on planet earth anymore...Slowly I isolated myself from everyone and didn't really cared oneway or the other.
My thoughts and emotions were so torn up...everything was blahhh to me. Actaully feeling lonely was progress for me becuae I mentally and emotionally simply just shut down.

So I started to get back into the swing of life again...a lot fo people
from this site reached out to me and helped me. I chated in the chat
room N what not...just being able to luagh at some of the crazy honeysuckle said in there was a change. Luaghter is healing. I really needed that.

So I started going outside again after being fucken batman hiding in my cave for almost a year...Of course I would run into my EXGF..go through that crazy song and dance with her for like 6 months...Feeling like a fucken wack job again...

Then I started running into other women that I knew...go through
that crzy honeysuckle.
Then my ex-wf got a hold of me...went through that with her again.
Lots of healing n stuff like that..un finished bussiness. Fell totally in love with her again..but she totally flaked it. She blames me of course.
I suffer from the I'll show you ***** syndrom..so I started ******* whatever women that came across my path...fresia it...fresia it all !!!
One night stands, threesome..all the crazy honeysuckle I did when I was in my 20's..Didn't really give a honeysuckle oneway or the other...lots of goodtimes actaully. Lots of crazy honeysuckle too but it was all fun and some really harrarious honeysuckle. One big ass joke..seriously.

Of course ..me being me. Im such a stud N badboy. A woman would
fall in love with me oneway or the other. So I kind da wanna settle down with one woman...Francis. Went through that with her...It
was weird but also very healing for her N I in so many ways.
Francis is about as insane as I am. Her life wasnt so rossie and she lived through some really wierd honeysuckle that I could relate with and other stuff I couldnt...but we couldnt move forward or was afraid to becuase of all the fucken issues we both had.

So oneday my ex-fiance got a hold of me. (the person that I really
wanted to married and spend the rest of my life with from the very start) My HSGF...Well here I am living with her trying again.
It's like a dream come true. "if you love someone set them free...if they come back to you...it was ment to be"..n all that good stuff.
We have a duaghter together. She's beautiful.
We're trying to do the right thing. Love each other like we wanted to from the begining and be there for our children.
Life is a trip....

 

[Adzzz]

My situation of feeling lonely isn't due to serious situations in life. My loneliness stems from the feeling of not belonging, and not feeling apart of those around me. I've always found it very easy to make friends when I was younger. Everyone wanted to be my friend too. I still remember the day back in primary school when we had to write down the names of people who we wanted in our class for the next year. Then my teach informed the class not to write my name down because I'd be moving school next year - and nearly everyone in the class sighed in disbelief. I must say it did feel nice to feel loved aha.

But when I moved house, to a new suburb and school. I lost touch with all my friends back in my previous suburb. And since then I could never find my place with another group of friends. I don't know what changed. In high school everyone managed to find a group they belonged to. I made friends here and there but could never find that close group. And now since leaving high school everyone's practically stuck with those groups. I have a group of mates that I go out with (clubbing etc). But it pretty much ends there. We aren’t close and to an extent there really only mates to go out with.

I can make friends with others but they always already have their solid group of mates. I can’t just start hanging out with people out of nowhere. It’s very hard to find a new group of friends. I’m sure a lot of you know.

So yeah that’s pretty much my situation. I’m thankful for the friends I have. But I hate this feeling of kind of feeling like an outsider sometimes.

 

[Superunknown]

I never fit in. Still don't. Always was the social outcast in HS, walking around with my iPod on during break and lunch because I had no group to join in with. I've always felt a head of my time in a weird way, I get along a lot better with people older than me. I'm 21 now. I'm starting to hang out these days with my cousin (31) and her husband (39). Super interesting, funny people. Not just looking to get loaded and drunk like my past college roommates/classmates... While people were partying in HS, I was building computers, teaching myself professional non-linear film editing programs and watching/studying films. Which is what I do now - film post-production. Did a lot of theater in MS and HS and studied classical guitar for about 10 years when everyone else was stumbling through power chords.

I had 1 best friend I made in 5th grade, we had both moved to the same city at the same time...Laguna Beach. Yeah imagine an outcast in THAT superficial "paradise". I ended up breaking the friendship off because I realized he was just using me after awhile to make himself feel better. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make and I teetered for awhile there. Though if I had to do it all over again, lose my 1 and only "friend". I would make the same decision. He was always putting me down for being "antisocial" and not having enough friends. He would throw insults at me about my work or talent, and then invite me out and buy me a burger all smiling and honeysuckle. Trying to throw me a curve ball, to see what my reaction would be. I hated that honeysuckle.

I also had a gf in senior year of HS who was a TOTAL whack job/nutcase. She meant a lot to me, because it was so hard for me to meet someone. She dumped me, right before I left for college. I look back now though, after my mind and life have cleared and thank god she did. She was incredibly clingy and had no identity. I would have dumped her eventually.

Another reason I think I have pretty horrible self esteem is because I've always done terribly in school. Barely graduated HS. My teachers put me down because I was more creative than academic. I was also about 50 lbs. overweight. I've lost it since then, which I'm proud of, all of this would constantly eat away at me. Literally. I have both OCD and ADD, so I have a difficult time concentrating on anything I'm not interesting in e.g. school. But, when I find that particular skill and passion (film and music) I'm a locked on laser beam. Luckily as an editor and story teller I get to wall myself off in a dark room away from the bullshit of the world.

The only good thing to come out of isolation is that I feel like I know who I am, better than most people. I'm independent and strong. I have an identity. I march to my own beat. I'm a leader not a follower. I've got the balls to blaze my own trail and not give two shits what anyone thinks about it anymore.

 

[akyia]

i'm lonely because i'm me. people don't like me.

i'm shy. i lack social skills.
i never fit in as a kid, teenager, college student, adult.
i've been depressed most of my life.
guys don't like me. i've never been asked out.
the few people who came into my life and seemed to care about me abandoned me.
i want a couple (or just one) close/deep relationship(s) but have never had one.

 

[lonewolf93]

I'm lonely.. because I can't fit in. My personal issues make it hard for me to 'play' all the time. I'm myself.. I stand out too much because of my views and because of my fear. I tried to change many times but it seems impossible for me to change completely. I can't fool myself. I'm not able to be who the others want me to be. And I'm scared of becoming something else.. I'm scared of the consequences of my decisions. I always 'want to' but I'm always 'scared of' doing anything about this. When I choose wrong and fail, my life seems to be empty. I'm unable to create bonds with other people at my age. They seem too carefree.. all of my love interests rejected me, proved unworthy or too good to be true..

My loneliness strikes me when I've got some free time and there's nobody who I could ask to spend it together with me. OR I just think that way. I want to change so badly.. maybe it's not as I see it myself. Maybe there is someone .. but I'm too scared to ask. I don't know what I'm scared of. But when I already ask, it's always too late.

 

[Badjedidude]

Met girl. Was with girl for five years, was gonna get married. Girl left.

'nuff said.

 

[I'm Fine]

It's complicated but it probably stems from my early childhood. My parents would fight, my dad would leave, my brother would already have left the second they started and that would leave me alone with my mother to listen to her complain about her life, her marriage, how bad my dad was in bed (lovely to hear), how she wished she'd never married him, how she wanted to die and watch her to make sure she didn't actually kill herself whilst trying to make her feel better.

There's more but that's when it started. I know this. I just don't think there's much I can do about it.

 

[Adrolak]

I know why I'm lonely, and there's nothing I can really do about it, and I'm starting to want to just give up. I'm lonely because all I really want is a companion, a girlfriend, somebody else, ya know? It's not that much to ask for, I have everything else that I could possibly want, and it sucks. I've been lonely for almost three years now, and it really does suck, it's getting slightly depressing.

 

[Fvantom]

Between 3rd and 5th grade, I was so horribly bullied...in fact bullied is probably putting it lightly, by quite literally the entire class, and even some people in other classes, like they had a goddammed network dedicated to making me miserable, between that and my family putting me down at every chance they got, by the time I got to 6th grade, I had the social skills of an autistic kid. I couldnt talk to people, never saying more than a few words, even though people didnt bully me much, I still had no friends and my friday nights consisted of being at home eating pizza by myself

By the time I was in high school, I had realized how much I hated having no friends and well....did a few things that will remain as classified information XD I live within earshot of the community pool from the next neighnorhood over and every time I hear hear people there having a good time I would die a little more inside

I had found some friends by 10th grade but unrest and war broke out within the group, regardless, I felt what it was like to have friends, and I wasnt about to go back, by 11th grade my social skills were a bit better but I still couldnt talk to people I didnt know, and I met a few cook people, but most of them have parted ways

Now here I am, Im sitting on a GED, Im going to college in the fall, hopefully thatll make things better but thats not for 4 months, and right now I have no way to get out and meet people so Im having to use that brick wall we all know as facebook