List of reasons for rejection

[VanillaCreme]

I am going to be a bad guy here, because I have rejected and been rejected.

I hated it when a guy asks why. I already hurt you with the rejection, how is it going to make it better for me to something negative about you? I have a conscience, I don't like hurting people.

And I couldn't say things like, "Oh, I'm not ready for a relationship." or something like that because there is a glimmer of hope there for some guys. Also, I couldn't go out with a guy I didn't have feeling for or was attracted to, because that wouldn't be fair to me.

I wish some of my past rejections, they would just accept the rejection and move on. Continuously asking me what was wrong with them just made me feel worse, and I know didn't make it any better for themselves.

That's exactly what I was thinking. I wasn't going to post, because my initial thought to the original post was, "Does there need to be a reason?" The idea has already been turned down. Doesn't mean the person is automatically horrible. It doesn't mean that the person is not someone to date. It just means the person said no. It's not a big deal unless it's made into a big deal. Some people say yes. Some people say no. People don't have to agree, and they don't have to give any reason. No should be enough.

 

[kamya]

And I couldn't say things like, "Oh, I'm not ready for a relationship." or something like that because there is a glimmer of hope there for some guys. Also, I couldn't go out with a guy I didn't have feeling for or was attracted to, because that wouldn't be fair to me.

This is very true. You are the first woman I've seen that is actually aware of this obvious fact. (At least the first one thats admitted it and doesnt use this excuse specifically to manipulate someone.) Specially if you do meet someone else a little bit later. You end up looking like an *******/ liar in the first guy's eyes.

You whole post was great actually. Gives me some insight into the other side. I will be less obsessed with trying to find out why after this post.

I think for many guys we strike out a lot more often than not. After hearing "no" over and over again it can start to chip away at your self confidence and make you have doubts and actually wonder what it is that is so wrong with you that you are never given a chance. That is where the obsession of wanting to know why comes from. At least in my case thats how it has been. I think this is something that not many women have to face (at least not in the same way as men) so it might be hard to understand.

Of course a rejection doesn't have to mean something is wrong with you but after enough of them... it feels obvious that there is something else other than the vague reasons given that is going on.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I foresee this thread, for the most part, becoming a hate on the women, pity fest. lol

 

[Nicolelt]

In addition.
The "best" rejection I have ever had was when a woman - who I had known for a bit - came crying to me that it is SO HARD to find a man. Then I told her what's the problem - I am free and available, let's be together. Then she hated for me for that and disappeared forever. Lol.

You really-really would like to be in a relationship, but ... still some are never good enough for that.

When I was a teenager I said crap like this. And it is bullshit frustration that made me generalized, which wasn't my true feelings. That is the issue with this statement and why I hate it when women say it. It's not that is it hard to find a man, it's hard to find one that is compatible in an intimate way with me. That is what I meant in those years, but it came out with "It's hard to find a boyfriend."

And Silentlife, it probably wasn't you, she was probably embarrassed for saying that then rejecting you. I know I have been in the past.

---

I foresee this thread, for the most part, becoming a hate on the women, pity fest. lol

If people would stop generalizing it wouldn't be so bad. Because so many situations that people say "Always" and "Never", and really "Sometimes" and "Rarely".

---

And I couldn't say things like, "Oh, I'm not ready for a relationship." or something like that because there is a glimmer of hope there for some guys. Also, I couldn't go out with a guy I didn't have feeling for or was attracted to, because that wouldn't be fair to me.

This is very true. You are the first woman I've seen that is actually aware of this obvious fact. (At least the first one thats admitted it and doesnt use this excuse specifically to manipulate someone.) Specially if you do meet someone else a little bit later. You end up looking like an *******/ liar in the first guy's eyes.

You whole post was great actually. Gives me some insight into the other side. I will be less obsessed with trying to find out why after this post.

I think for many guys we strike out a lot more often than not. After hearing "no" over and over again it can start to chip away at your self confidence and make you have doubts and actually wonder what it is that is so wrong with you that you are never given a chance. That is where the obsession of wanting to know why comes from. At least in my case thats how it has been. I think this is something that not many women have to face (at least not in the same way as men) so it might be hard to understand.

Of course a rejection doesn't have to mean something is wrong with you but after enough of them... it feels obvious that there is something else other than the vague reasons given that is going on.

Thank you Kamya! You said what I was trying to get at. Just because I rejected you, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. It's just not what I want for a person I am in a relationship with.

And it swings with both genders too. This is so embarrassing, but in college, I felt that I was competing with a girl for a guy. When he chose her, I drove myself crazy trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I wasn't me, and he wanted her, that was it. Modern day Nicole wants to go punch that Nicole in the face and say, "You got rejected, you are awesome the way you are, move on!"

 

[DarkSelene]

Just because I rejected you, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. It's just not what I want for a person I am in a relationship with.

And one's trash could be another's treasure, amirite

I like it.

 

[ardour]

I'd rather be recycled...

 

[user 139760]

I'd rather be a Pokemon.
Like I said, why focus on it? In the end, there's as many reasons as there are people, some honest, some not.

To think it's a reflection on who YOU are, as a person, either your looks or your personality, is already taking it way more personal than it needs to be.

You were rejected, no problem. Don't go on thinking your worthless trash, because eventually, some day, someone else will NOT think so, trust me.

 

[X-1 Alpha]

In the end

It doesn't even materrr.

Also, that would mean I could kick you in the pokeballs, muahaha!

Rejection? In the grand scheme of things, 's not really that serious of a problem, though it's easy to say when you're not emotionally invested. Basically, the sooner you get over it the better, dwelling on it too much won't do any good. There isn't always a specific reason, sometimes it's just the general shape of things.

 

[TheSkaFish]

And one's trash could be another's treasure, amirite

Don't go on thinking your worthless trash, because eventually, some day, someone else will NOT think so, trust me.

This idea of trying to spin a negative into a positive really bothers me, because we all know what kind of person this "someone else" will be - someone who isn't good-looking or interesting or truly desirable, but that you just resign to out of hopelessness, tiredness, cynicism, and defeat, when you give up on anyone good and resign yourself to who's on your level. It probably goes both ways. It really pisses me off because I've always dreamed of more, of breaking my old narrative and finding out what it's like to be somebody that gets what they want instead of settling - to be able to enjoy something better than what most people get, and that feeling of power from knowing you're good enough for it. And throwing it in everyone's face that said a settler was all I could hope to be. But I guess it doesn't matter. One thing I've learned about people is that people don't care about those who can't figure things out for themselves that you are expected to know intuitively, such as being "cool" or attraction. And sympathy doesn't give answers anyway. Should have been born better, someone with strength, talent, and cunning. Or a willingness to be lewd and crude and break stuff, who doesn't care about the consequences. I can't even say it's that I should have gotten in more fights when I was younger, because I wouldn't have won them so it wouldn't have boosted my confidence. That path was never open to me. I couldn't be macho even if I wanted to.

I just wish I'd been able to figure things out better and faster. I wish I could be someone who doesn't have this problem, who gets to know what winning feels like instead of the humiliation of always losing and not having the power to make the bullshit end. I want to rise above the people I hate, kick their ass for a change, grind their face into the honeysuckle, make them "accept" and see how they like the humiliation of being forced down by someone they thought they could show up. I'd almost sell my soul to beat somebody for once at something significant, show people I'm no ***** and hold my head up high. But if a settler is truly what I am and all I can be, I'll never be free of my old narrative and I might as well not bother with anything.

 

[user 139760]

his idea of trying to spin a negative into a positive really bothers me, because we all know what kind of person this "someone else" will be - someone who isn't good-looking or interesting or truly desirable, but that you just resign to out of hopelessness, tiredness, cynicism, and defeat, when you give up on anyone good and resign yourself to who's on your level. 

Are you serious?
Did you just crap down on everyone you ever tried to date after hunting "that one hot girl" you didn't get?
I'm sorry, but no. If that's your attitude, then little wonder you feel like you can't get out of your rut.
My "dream girl", I tried to date right before the mother of my children. BOY, did she want nothing to do with me. Because way back when, I WAS the guy you wanted to wipe the grin off his face, the muscly, macho, arrogant, loud mouth considered to be "the cool guy" according to the trope.
Who did she end up dating instead? Surprise surprise, scrawny little thing, I'm already short but he was SHORTER, maybe 5'6, glasses, bigger geek than I could ever be. Thing is...so was she, I learned.
So I settled?
No, I didn't settle. I dated someone I ended up genuinely loving. I picked myself back up and tried again. Why did it automatically have to be about my inadequecies? I was rejected, I could have thought about how big of a DICK I was at the time, but no. I figured "Ah, what an idiot" and moved on. I picked myself back up and tried again with another girl. Who didn't, ironically, like me for the prick I was, but for what she saw behind it. And she helped me turn into a better human being...and gave me two beautiful daughters to boot.
How is that settling? And why does rejection always have to be about YOU?
It's not about "I'm not this enough, or that enough". It's about how you're willing to deal with it. You can blame yourself all you want, but as you can see, it doesn't change anything and it sure doesn't make a life companion appear next to you. It's about changing yourself, OR NOT, and trying again.
If you "settle", well that's on you. I would advise you not to tell your future partner you settled, because you're liable for one helluva slap. Also pretty insulting to all the single people out there who ever got rejected, myself included. If me and Dark Selene have similar words, I'll go on a limb and put words in her mouth, it's because we've LIVED IT. If you haven't it's because you STOPPED TRYING. And neither of us feel like we settled.

In the meantime, wipe my grin off my face. Nothing would please me more than to have you beat me or anyone else at something and don't give me that horseshit that you can't. Everyone can.
It's one helluvan exercise. If it don't work, you do like anything else in life; you train until it does.
In other words, don't make the mistake of thinking I, or any other guy is better than you. We're probably not. You're younger than I am, saw your profile pic so definately sexier than I am, ain't nothing preventing you from getting what you want. But you gotta want it more than that, you gotta act it too.

"show people I'm no ***** and hold my head up high"
Reflect on it. Do it. ;-)

 

[TheSkaFish]

his idea of trying to spin a negative into a positive really bothers me, because we all know what kind of person this "someone else" will be - someone who isn't good-looking or interesting or truly desirable, but that you just resign to out of hopelessness, tiredness, cynicism, and defeat, when you give up on anyone good and resign yourself to who's on your level. 

Are you serious?
Did you just crap down on everyone you ever tried to date after hunting "that one hot girl" you didn't get?
I'm sorry, but no. If that's your attitude, then little wonder you feel like you can't get out of your rut.
My "dream girl", I tried to date right before the mother of my children. BOY, did she want nothing to do with me. Because way back when, I WAS the guy you wanted to wipe the grin off his face, the muscly, macho, arrogant, loud mouth considered to be "the cool guy" according to the trope.
Who did she end up dating instead? Surprise surprise, scrawny little thing, I'm already short but he was SHORTER, maybe 5'6, glasses, bigger geek than I could ever be. Thing is...so was she, I learned.
So I settled?
No, I didn't settle. I dated someone I ended up genuinely loving. I picked myself back up and tried again. Why did it automatically have to be about my inadequecies? I was rejected, I could have thought about how big of a DICK I was at the time, but no. I figured "Ah, what an idiot" and moved on. I picked myself back up and tried again with another girl. Who didn't, ironically, like me for the prick I was, but for what she saw behind it. And she helped me turn into a better human being...and gave me two beautiful daughters to boot.
How is that settling? And why does rejection always have to be about YOU?
It's not about "I'm not this enough, or that enough". It's about how you're willing to deal with it. You can blame yourself all you want, but as you can see, it doesn't change anything and it sure doesn't make a life companion appear next to you. It's about changing yourself, OR NOT, and trying again.
If you "settle", well that's on you. I would advise you not to tell your future partner you settled, because you're liable for one helluva slap. Also pretty insulting to all the single people out there who ever got rejected, myself included. If me and Dark Selene have similar words, I'll go on a limb and put words in her mouth, it's because we've LIVED IT. If you haven't it's because you STOPPED TRYING. And neither of us feel like we settled.

In the meantime, wipe my grin off my face. Nothing would please me more than to have you beat me or anyone else at something and don't give me that horseshit that you can't. Everyone can.
It's one helluvan exercise. If it don't work, you do like anything else in life; you train until it does.
In other words, don't make the mistake of thinking I, or any other guy is better than you. We're probably not. You're younger than I am, saw your profile pic so definately sexier than I am, ain't nothing preventing you from getting what you want. But you gotta want it more than that, you gotta act it too.

"show people I'm no ***** and hold my head up high"
Reflect on it. Do it. ;-)

I haven't tried to date again after my problem. I pulled back from talking to anyone I liked to try to figure out why I was making the wrong impression and how I could change my course. If anything I've said is insulting, it's aimed at me too. That's why I want to get out of the category of rejected people so badly. I want to rid myself of the shame of being someone who loses and be able to say that's not who and what I am.

You were able to find another girl that you liked as much as the first one though. I haven't, not even close. I've met the girls my friends know, and I've looked on the dating sites but there's never anyone that I'd really want to talk to or spend time with. Some girls have approached me here and there, but it's never anyone that makes me curious or excited or feel like they could give me the conversations and experiences i'm looking for. I don't know how to describe the girls I've met since then without coming across as insulting but, it's like...they are just normal, everyday people. I don't hate them, I just don't find them especially physically appealing or interesting or unique, they're not into anything I like or want to know more about, and I don't feel any desire to get to know them, unlike the ones I did like. And they don't inspire me to be more, myself. They wouldn't make me feel like I broke away from my old story of being someone who has no power, no potential, doesn't get anything and is naturally a loser. I just think the kind of woman i like, with the right combination of looks and interests and mind is rare.

But just like I said the other girls are missing the stuff that excites me, I think I'm short on exciting things too. I don't have whatever you need to thrill the kind of girl I like. I'm not worldly and sophisticated enough, I only want to be but hesitate cause i'm afraid i can't or that it will make no difference. I feel like i'm low on depth cause I'm still trying to work out my identity, when the ones I liked and most people in general have already figured out theirs. I haven't really been interested in things because I don't really think I can do them, or interested in my life because I haven't been motivated or excited by what's all I feel like I can get. I have a deep-rooted feeling that the good things (and partners) in life are for other people, and I'm in the class that doesn't get anything no matter what. I'm afraid that no matter what I do or how hard I try, I'll only ever be able to impress girls that I'm not interested in. That's why I'm afraid that I have no choice but to settle.

Then again, sometimes I do feel like there's got to be something I can do because I can't believe that total failure is all I can do and that there's absolutely nothing I can do right. I guess training and trying to change myself is better than just waiting for my body to fall apart. I just don't know where to start. Being more confident and interesting, I guess. That seems to be the problem.

 

[ardour]

Richard your story about being shot down needs to be put in perspective. You probably had several relationships beforehand, and married the next women you asked out. You're talking to guys with either none or next to no experience. Attitude problems aside, it's fair to conclude that some of us aren't attractive for other reasons that can't be changed. To continue on hoping would be almost to meet the definition of madness.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Richard your story about being shot down needs to be put in perspective. You probably had several relationships beforehand, and married the next women you asked out.   You're talking to guys with either none or next to no experience.  Attitude problems aside, it's fair to conclude that some of us aren't attractive for other reasons that can't be changed. To continue on hoping would be almost to meet the definition of madness.

Like a negative attitude?  Pretty sure that can be changed.  

 

[TheSkaFish]

Does changing your attitude change what you get, or is it only supposed to change the way you feel about what you get?

I've been told that I should change my attitude before, but to me it's always felt like being told that I need to just accept that my life is hopeless because I'm a natural loser and don't have enough potential to be anything greater, and that once I give up, I won't have the problem anymore. But not having a problem because you gave up isn't the same as not having a problem because you solved it.

 

[Paraiyar]

Does changing your attitude change what you get, or is it only supposed to change the way you feel about what you get?

I've been told that I should change my attitude before, but to me it's always felt like being told that I need to just accept that my life is hopeless because I'm a natural loser and don't have enough potential to be anything more.

Whenever I've been able to psych myself into feeling really confident, I've immediately felt a change in attitude from the opposite sex. So I'd say it's the former.

 

[ardour]

Whenever I've been able to psych myself into feeling really confident, I've immediately felt a change in attitude from the opposite sex. So I'd say it's the former.

Which suggests that you can't really be human, show any vulnerability, etc.

 

[Paraiyar]

Whenever I've been able to psych myself into feeling really confident, I've immediately felt a change in attitude from the opposite sex. So I'd say it's the former.

Which suggests that you can't really be human, show any vulnerability, etc.

You can but you generally want to make a positive first impression. In my experience women like men who look like they are having fun which is something I've learnt that I need to put real effort into.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Does changing your attitude change what you get, or is it only supposed to change the way you feel about what you get?

I've been told that I should change my attitude before, but to me it's always felt like being told that I need to just accept that my life is hopeless because I'm a natural loser and don't have enough potential to be anything greater, and that once I give up, I won't have the problem anymore.  But not having a problem because you gave up isn't the same as not having a problem because you solved it.

I'd say it's both.  It will change how you feel about what you get, but it also has the potential to change what you get. 

Changing your attitude doesn't make you a loser.  The only thing that can make you a loser is feeling like you are a loser.  You are what you think you are. 

But how do you know what potential you have if you don't try it?  Where has what you've been doing gotten you?  Will it really hurt anything to at least try it?

 

[Xpendable]

Doesn't matter if you do exactly as you're told, people will find a way to raionalize some excuse for why it's not working.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Richard your story about being shot down needs to be put in perspective. You probably had several relationships beforehand, and married the next women you asked out.   You're talking to guys with either none or next to no experience.  Attitude problems aside, it's fair to conclude that some of us aren't attractive for other reasons that can't be changed. To continue on hoping would be almost to meet the definition of madness.

I fail to see how having several relationships beforehand, or marrying the next person after, makes any difference. Him being shot down doesn't matter because of that? It never happened because of relationships before and after? I'm not seeing the connection at all. I don't know why, but you seem to constantly think that just because someone has something in the now, that they have no idea what it's like to experience something that wasn't so nice. Any other relationship doesn't mean that a not-so-pleasant experience didn't happen.

And before you say, "I didn't say that," you kind of do when you diminish any other experiences because of anything else.