Loneliness Solutions (what's yours?)

[pacman]

I've been wondering for some time now, beyond focusing on what brought me to a point where I am lonely, what actual solutions are there? I mean, it is very comforting (at least for me) to rant and rant about how lonely I am and how it's not fair because I'm such a nice guy and really do want friends bla bla bla, and it helps me feel better for some time, but it doesn't actually help me solve the issue. Or I might just focus on something else to distract me completely from my loneliness, like surf the internet for hours on end, or watch a movie, or I might "comfort" myself by self-reassurance ("it will be okay, everything will turn out fine etc..") but at the end of the day, I am still pretty **** lonely.

And what bothers me most is the realization that if I don't DO something in order to rectify the problem (actually rectify, not run away from), my loneliness will not magically disappear one day. This realization is a blessing because it shows me reality as it is, and at the same time it's kind of like a curse because it shows me reality as it is.

I personally don't want to continue running away from my issues, so I decided that I'd see a therapist - only time will tell if it actually helps...

Have any of you been in therapy? Is there anybody here that's gotten over or at least improved the social issues and/or loneliness? If so, how have you done it??

 

[isthatso]

Have any of you been in therapy? Is there anybody here that's gotten over or at least improved the social issues and/or loneliness? If so, how have you done it??

Yeah I have had some counselling. It did help.
advice 1: don't trust your thoughts. Because thoughts are often affected by emotion and tend to make the problem worse. You're lonely. That's all. Don't blame yourself for it. Millions of people are lonely, even those who spend a lot of time in others company. You'd prefer to be less lonely? My advice would be: don't make it a MUST. Just reat it casually as a preference. Desperation is not attractive to others.
adivce 2. Try to enjoy others' company. That's how I survive. And it's a challenge when some of the people press your buttons. There's usually at least one good point everyone has. If you genuinely like people and like yourself, you'll make friends easily.
advice 3 Get out and about. Try walking clubs, singing clubs, dancing clubs...etcetera. Use the net to meet too. Seems to work for a lot of people I know.

 

[Drew88]

Keep my mind busy

 

[pacman]

Have any of you been in therapy? Is there anybody here that's gotten over or at least improved the social issues and/or loneliness? If so, how have you done it??

Yeah I have had some counselling. It did help.
advice 1: don't trust your thoughts. Because thoughts are often affected by emotion and tend to make the problem worse. You're lonely. That's all. Don't blame yourself for it. Millions of people are lonely, even those who spend a lot of time in others company. You'd prefer to be less lonely? My advice would be: don't make it a MUST. Just reat it casually as a preference. Desperation is not attractive to others.
adivce 2. Try to enjoy others' company. That's how I survive. And it's a challenge when some of the people press your buttons. There's usually at least one good point everyone has. If you genuinely like people and like yourself, you'll make friends easily.
advice 3 Get out and about. Try walking clubs, singing clubs, dancing clubs...etcetera. Use the net to meet too. Seems to work for a lot of people I know.

Definitely good advice, especially the first one. I wish I could apply that one every day on an emotional level, not just a mental one....

Keep my mind busy

Keeping the mind busy is definitely a good idea, but it doesn't really solve the real issue, does it??

 

[Gurp]

Yea pacman , man you wrote exactly how i feel.I am so lonely . but i have compromised with it.I no longer feel bad while out in public (by feeling that i am alone in public) but i feel bad at night in bed when i brood 'bout whole day which just passed.I feel 10% bad in night.Then i quickly start listening to ipod & it helps in sleeping so easily and quick.
As far as a therapist goes , man i feel so desperate sometimes that if i visit one someday , i wud tell her/him to shut up and instead i wud tell her to be my friend as a best remedy.
I wud persuade him/her to be my friend as a solution.wud tell her this is the best she can do for me.No one can reject that offer.

 

[Drew88]

Have any of you been in therapy? Is there anybody here that's gotten over or at least improved the social issues and/or loneliness? If so, how have you done it??

Yeah I have had some counselling. It did help.
advice 1: don't trust your thoughts. Because thoughts are often affected by emotion and tend to make the problem worse. You're lonely. That's all. Don't blame yourself for it. Millions of people are lonely, even those who spend a lot of time in others company. You'd prefer to be less lonely? My advice would be: don't make it a MUST. Just reat it casually as a preference. Desperation is not attractive to others.
adivce 2. Try to enjoy others' company. That's how I survive. And it's a challenge when some of the people press your buttons. There's usually at least one good point everyone has. If you genuinely like people and like yourself, you'll make friends easily.
advice 3 Get out and about. Try walking clubs, singing clubs, dancing clubs...etcetera. Use the net to meet too. Seems to work for a lot of people I know.

Definitely good advice, especially the first one. I wish I could apply that one every day on an emotional level, not just a mental one....

Keep my mind busy

Keeping the mind busy is definitely a good idea, but it doesn't really solve the real issue, does it??

No it doesn't but thats what I do

 

[pacman]

Yea pacman , man you wrote exactly how i feel.I am so lonely . but i have compromised with it.I no longer feel bad while out in public (by feeling that i am alone in public) but i feel bad at night in bed when i brood 'bout whole day which just passed.I feel 10% bad in night.Then i quickly start listening to ipod & it helps in sleeping so easily and quick.
As far as a therapist goes , man i feel so desperate sometimes that if i visit one someday , i wud tell her/him to shut up and instead i wud tell her to be my friend as a best remedy.
I wud persuade him/her to be my friend as a solution.wud tell her this is the best she can do for me.No one can reject that offer.

That's exactly the issue!!! I also at times compromise with my loneliness, but then I realize that I really love people and being around people, but my conflict stems from the fact that I can't seem to keep people around me lol. Obviously we can't go every day thinking how sucky life is and fml and such, but honestly, why compromise? Why accept it as a solid truth that won't change?? Granted, I am very guilty of the same, but I always remind myself that deep inside, I HATE being lonely!!! It might be a painful process to go through, meaning not totally accepting the lonesome feeling, but if eventually (however long it may take) you won't feel lonely, wouldn't it be worth it??

Do you agree with what I am saying???

 

[Lua]

I've never been in therapy and I haven't really overcome loneliness or social issues, but things have improved. I basically agree with isthatso. If you followed those steps, you'd probably be doing fine. But of course, it's easier said than done.
Feeling lonely really is something highly subjective, and something that other people don't even know about you unless you tell them. It's just a situation you're in, and it's one that you can change. Don't let it define you. If you mentally establish yourself as lonely, it can influence your behavior around others. For example, it used to make me feel inferior to virtually everyone, I labelled them as completely different from me in that respect. As a result, I thought I won't be able to connect with them anyway and I never tried.
Try to focus on positive aspects and create opportunities in which you can get to know people. Depending on how easy that is for you, go to bars, or to clubs where people share your interests so that it's easier to have a fun conversation, use the internet, or maybe you can specifically get in touch with others who are looking for friends. For example, where I live there is a weekly magazine in which people publish all kinds of ads. Most of them want to sell their bike or are looking for a flatmate, but some also say that they are new in town and would like to make friends. Those kind of people might be easier to contact because even if they have different reasons for it, they're also lonely to some extent. I hope this helps (please note that I don't take my own advice very often )

 

[pacman]

Feeling lonely really is something highly subjective, and something that other people don't even know about you unless you tell them. It's just a situation you're in, and it's one that you can change. Don't let it define you. If you mentally establish yourself as lonely, it can influence your behavior around others. For example, it used to make me feel inferior to virtually everyone, I labelled them as completely different from me in that respect. As a result, I thought I won't be able to connect with them anyway and I never tried.

Yes it is highly subjective, and I am not so worried about whether other people know if I feel that way or not; I am worried that I will continue feeling like this regardless of how others perceive me. You are technically right that I can change it, but it comes with great effort, and even when I do change my situation (and sometimes I do), I find it extremely challenging to keep long term friendships/relationships/connections going, so it brings me back to square one...

And it's not that I necessarily let it define me as a person, but it definitely defines a large part of my emotional being.

By the way what do you mean "labeled them differently in that respect"? I didn't really understand what you meant there....

 

[Walley]

buy a guitar.
musicians are never bored!
and if you get any good at it. its a great tool to meet new friends.
i cant could how many times i was just another face in the crowd until the guitar comes out.. then you're the life of the party!

 

[Lua]

Yeah I know that it comes with great effort... What I meant by labelling them differently is that I thought "I am this weird lonely person" while they are "normal, socially adept people" and therefore we won't really understand each other or get along anyway. But I guess that was just me and low self-esteem.

I hope you'll find people that don't make friendship feel like an effort! Or that the effort is at least worth it and both parties invest energy into keeping it alive. I think they do exist.

 

[pacman]

You took the words right out of my mouth lol. I do the exact same thing! And the trouble is, I don't know whether it's all in my head, meaning not real, but I may very well make it real by acting out my thoughts

I got to this conclusion:

If it is real and I think it's real, then it's for sure real.
If it's not real and I think it's real, then it's for sure real.

If it's not real and I don't think it's real, it's not real!!
If it is real and I don't think it's real, then at least I won't be giving off the vibe that it's real, and therefore will be less real (and at least I won't be beating myself up inside in any case).

Now the only remaining question is: How do we truly convince ourselves that it's not real?

 

[Lua]

If it is real and I don't think it's real, then at least I won't be giving off the vibe that it's real, and therefore will be less real (and at least I won't be beating myself up inside in any case).

Exactly. I think the best way of convincing ourselves that it isn't real is slowly proving that the opposite is the case, that we're capable of forming bonds with others just like everyone else. Even if those feelings of inadequacy will probably never entirely stop popping up.

Since I've been telling myself that it's all in my head, I've made some positive experiences. For example, this year, three years after graduating from school, I've become friends with a girl from my grade. Back in school, I thought she was sooo different from me and we'd never get along. Turns out we do. It doesn't matter that she has about ten times as many friends as I do. Slowly, those experiences are feeding the hypothesis that I might be "normal" after all lol. And even if I'm not, we can never be sure about actual reality, so we might as well try to construct a productive, helpful version of it for ourselves

 

[roguewave]

I have never felt lonely while doing community/volunteer work and for a while afterward. And it's not just a bandaid, it's a way of shifting the focus from yourself to others.

If you want to put out the money for therapy, that's exactly what they're going to do...shift your frame of reference in an effort to shift behavioral patterns.

 

[perfanoff]

Therapy would not help me. Money and time will.

 

[pacman]

If it is real and I don't think it's real, then at least I won't be giving off the vibe that it's real, and therefore will be less real (and at least I won't be beating myself up inside in any case).

Exactly. I think the best way of convincing ourselves that it isn't real is slowly proving that the opposite is the case, that we're capable of forming bonds with others just like everyone else. Even if those feelings of inadequacy will probably never entirely stop popping up.

Since I've been telling myself that it's all in my head, I've made some positive experiences. For example, this year, three years after graduating from school, I've become friends with a girl from my grade. Back in school, I thought she was sooo different from me and we'd never get along. Turns out we do. It doesn't matter that she has about ten times as many friends as I do. Slowly, those experiences are feeding the hypothesis that I might be "normal" after all lol. And even if I'm not, we can never be sure about actual reality, so we might as well try to construct a productive, helpful version of it for ourselves

Why isn't there a 'Like' button here?? In any case --> LIKE

 

[roguewave]

If it is real and I don't think it's real, then at least I won't be giving off the vibe that it's real, and therefore will be less real (and at least I won't be beating myself up inside in any case).

Exactly. I think the best way of convincing ourselves that it isn't real is slowly proving that the opposite is the case, that we're capable of forming bonds with others just like everyone else. Even if those feelings of inadequacy will probably never entirely stop popping up.

Since I've been telling myself that it's all in my head, I've made some positive experiences. For example, this year, three years after graduating from school, I've become friends with a girl from my grade. Back in school, I thought she was sooo different from me and we'd never get along. Turns out we do. It doesn't matter that she has about ten times as many friends as I do. Slowly, those experiences are feeding the hypothesis that I might be "normal" after all lol. And even if I'm not, we can never be sure about actual reality, so we might as well try to construct a productive, helpful version of it for ourselves

Why isn't there a 'Like' button here?? In any case --> LIKE

You can give them rep. It's the button with the plus sign at the bottom left of the post.

 

[pacman]

Not quite the same, but still good. Thanks! (+1'd you hehe)

 

[Lua]

Not quite the same, but still good. Thanks! (+1'd you hehe)

Hehe thanks It took me some time to figure out the rep system as well. A little more discreet than on Facebook

 

[Gurp]

Yea pacman , man you wrote exactly how i feel.I am so lonely . but i have compromised with it.I no longer feel bad while out in public (by feeling that i am alone in public) but i feel bad at night in bed when i brood 'bout whole day which just passed.I feel 10% bad in night.Then i quickly start listening to ipod & it helps in sleeping so easily and quick.
As far as a therapist goes , man i feel so desperate sometimes that if i visit one someday , i wud tell her/him to shut up and instead i wud tell her to be my friend as a best remedy.
I wud persuade him/her to be my friend as a solution.wud tell her this is the best she can do for me.No one can reject that offer.

That's exactly the issue!!! I also at times compromise with my loneliness, but then I realize that I really love people and being around people, but my conflict stems from the fact that I can't seem to keep people around me lol. Obviously we can't go every day thinking how sucky life is and fml and such, but honestly, why compromise? Why accept it as a solid truth that won't change?? Granted, I am very guilty of the same, but I always remind myself that deep inside, I HATE being lonely!!! It might be a painful process to go through, meaning not totally accepting the lonesome feeling, but if eventually (however long it may take) you won't feel lonely, wouldn't it be worth it??

Do you agree with what I am saying???

yea i do pac man.
My story is a little more bad and twisted.I am really lonely but it was not like this earlier.Thing is , i am a little bit selfish too. I wanted beautiful girls to be with me , i always did get so-so , or average looking girls to be around with, (in office and in college)which i also tried to bear with inspite of my disposition.I did try to make the moment with those girls the best.But i wouldnot say i love you to them in the end because she is average.This means god gave me chance to be in affair with average looking girls , and i denied it.I could be away from loneliness but due to my selfishness i stuck to this hole.
For one or two girls who were beautiful and were around me , i used to take my guard on and would not let me praise them.I wud think , if i praise her , her ego will get a nitrous oxide boost again.I wudnot let her ego pile up.I wud think she still may talk to me and be the initiator but they would never do cuz they wud have thought that they so beautiful.
I guess beautiful girls never approached me cuz i am an underdog.
I dont do that reverse psychology thing though anymore.