My Struggles as of Late

[Malfoy]

I've been working rather hard to stave off what feels like an encroaching deep depression. Being a master of distraction, I have for several years been avoiding the implications of having nobody in my life. Telling myself that I will work toward further independence, more income or power in some way.

People try. Women try. They reach out to me but I shut them out. With each application of this fix I feel a deeper resentment of people and also of myself for this mindframe. Will they hurt me because they are sadistic and evil? Or will they hurt me because they are foolish and clumsy? I don't know. All I know is that they will hurt me in some way.

I find myself asking "What is the point?" and then the suicidal thoughts come. I hate the thoughts but at the same time feel closer to those thoughts than most people because at least they are genuine. I don't want to shut people out and always be alone and I don't want to be hurt and used. It feels like the only other option is a Plan C sort of thing.

Yuck.

 

[LoneKiller]

Hi Malfoy.

For the longest time, you have been finding ways to avoid dealing with yourself. That would have only continued to worsen. Coming here was a good decision. It signifies your true desire to get well.

By the sounds of it, you've been hurt a lot and are scared to let your guard down. That's perfectly normal. But at some point, you are going to have suck it up and keep trying. You can't rely on what you think might happen or whether or not someone else will hurt you as you predict. By doing so, you are cutting yourself off from the opportunities to find happiness in your life.

I'm a little concerned about you mentioning suicide. I urge you to try and overcome that thought. That in itself is extremely hard on your psyche. It provides only negative tones to your quest for happiness.

I'm not trying to sound like a parent or anything, but you can't continue to live relying on the rest of the world to free you from your pain. You must stand up and take control of your life through immense effort and patience. You cannot rely on society to just hand happiness to you. It takes a lot of work and pain sometimes to achieve solace in your life.

Make a real effort to beat this. This way, whether you succeed or not, at least you can say that you gave it everything you had. That
kind of success feels wonderful. It will inspire you to work even harder.

 

[roguewave]

Hi Malfoy. You say you're afraid of being hurt and used. Was there a significant person who hurt or used you or were you speaking in general terms? If you have been hurt and used, do you think that's the main reason why you've been turning people away?

 

[Malfoy]

Hi Malfoy.

For the longest time, you have been finding ways to avoid dealing with yourself. That would have only continued to worsen. Coming here was a good decision. It signifies your true desire to get well.

By the sounds of it, you've been hurt a lot and are scared to let your guard down. That's perfectly normal. But at some point, you are going to have suck it up and keep trying. You can't rely on what you think might happen or whether or not someone else will hurt you as you predict. By doing so, you are cutting yourself off from the opportunities to find happiness in your life.

I'm a little concerned about you mentioning suicide. I urge you to try and overcome that thought. That in itself is extremely hard on your psyche. It provides only negative tones to your quest for happiness.

I'm not trying to sound like a parent or anything, but you can't continue to live relying on the rest of the world to free you from your pain. You must stand up and take control of your life through immense effort and patience. You cannot rely on society to just hand happiness to you. It takes a lot of work and pain sometimes to achieve solace in your life.

Make a real effort to beat this. This way, whether you succeed or not, at least you can say that you gave it everything you had. That
kind of success feels wonderful. It will inspire you to work even harder.

Offers a genuine "thank you" for that response. I will take it under advisement. I'm not one of those people who goes around threatening to harm himself for attention. I promise you that. These things are only vocalized when a true struggle to fight back the thoughts is at hand. Either way, your response is appreciated and helpful.

---

Hi Malfoy. You say you're afraid of being hurt and used. Was there a significant person who hurt or used you or were you speaking in general terms? If you have been hurt and used, do you think that's the main reason why you've been turning people away?

Yes, I am speaking from personal experience. I am no stranger to treachery and sadism. A lot of these things tend to enter my life.

 

[SophiaGrace]

You shut people out. You must fight this in order for your life to change.

 

[Malfoy]

You shut people out. You must fight this in order for your life to change.

I fear that is not the right choice. Uncertainty of how badly one more significant betrayal would affect me is what holds me back. It feels as thought my choices are be dead or get killed. To "be dead" is to give up and not try. To "get killed" is to try and fail.

 

[roguewave]

It's about finding the right balance between healthy skepticism to protect yourself and openness to others. Some people feel safe opening up really fast and then others, a lot of people on this board, are very guarded and slow to open up in real life. But there are both types here and of course, it varies from situation to situation even within the same person.
You should think about the past situations where you feel you've been too fast to open or too slow and learn from those situations. That is the thing that has help me the most. Start with small adjustments. You don't have to go out and make friends right away. Test the waters, especially if you've been isolating for a while.

 

[Malfoy]

It's about finding the right balance between healthy skepticism to protect yourself and openness to others. Some people feel safe opening up really fast and then others, a lot of people on this board, are very guarded and slow to open up in real life. But there are both types here and of course, it varies from situation to situation even within the same person.
You should think about the past situations where you feel you've been too fast to open or too slow and learn from those situations. That is the thing that has help me the most. Start with small adjustments. You don't have to go out and make friends right away. Test the waters, especially if you've been isolating for a while.

I like your input about finding balance. It's easy to go overboard in either direction and then find supporting data for our skewed mindframe. Being a logical thinker, I can relate to your advice. It's very logical: learn, adapt. Thanks.

 

[shesafrozenfire]

People try. Women try. They reach out to me but I shut them out. With each application of this fix I feel a deeper resentment of people and also of myself for this mindframe. Will they hurt me because they are sadistic and evil? Or will they hurt me because they are foolish and clumsy? I don't know. All I know is that they will hurt me in some way.

Actually, the other Option C is that they try, and WON'T hurt you. If you push them away, you are hurting yourself AND you are hurting them.