New and feeling blue :(

[Emmajesty1]

Hello everyone!

I've just joined this website as I stumbled upon it on google!

My name is Emma , im 23 from Northern Ireland and I'm here because I feel like I am just existing in this world.

I had a fairly average childhood throughout primary and high school, bullied the odd time , I was bright but not a genius, few friends but not popular..

Now I seem to have reached a halt and felt I have acheived nothing. I cant seem to find good friends who dont want to hurt or lie to me. I have had 2 long term relationships which have ended badly and I have battled with depression for the past 5 years.

Can anyone tell me the secret to being happy?

Best wishes,
Emma

 

[Kathy]

Welcome, Emma.

I've been looking for happiness all my life (I'm 48). I'm happy at times, but it's not consistent and just about anything can knock me right out of happy.

What I do, is work on myself in counseling. I was able to take most of last year off from counseling. But in the last month, I've put myself back "on the couch". I think I'm going deeper into my hidden childhood memories looking for the root cause of my unhappiness. Because I have the sense that I was truly happy until I was 3 or so.

 

[Veruca]

Hi Emma,

Welcome to the forum =)

I am sorry to hear about your bad experiences and that your friends aren't nicer to you. People can be cruel sometimes. Mostly, they are probably just as miserable but have a dysfunctional way of dealing with, though its still painful being friends with people who lie and hurt us.

Unfortunately, Emma, there is no real, universal secret to being happy. At the end of the day, our existence is very subjective.

I used to be really depressed, in fact I was clinically depressed for about 10 years. But I managed to pull myself out of the rut, and have been progressively doing better. These last two years have been quite good.

For me, there were no solutions outside, in the real world. No one even knew I was depressed. I found my answers within me.

Here are some things I can suggest, but this is just my two cents worth, based on personal experiences;

1. Fake it till you make it - fake a smile, fake being happy and eventually your body/mind starts believing it and you feel better.
2. Discover yourself - I can't stress this enough. For awhile all I did was question myself, peel back the layers of denial and repressed emotions etc. I don't think one can fully discover oneself, but you learn so many wonderful things about you, that you start to love yourself.
3. Be independent - I used to force myself to go out alone and found that I really enjoyed it. I loved sitting at cafes, writing in my journal, or browsing a bookshop. Just doing stuff without relying on people.
4. Pursue a passion - The one thing that made me happy, even when I was truly depressed was anything creative. So I started pouring all my emotions into writing short stories and making jewelry. I ended up making a bit of money selling them
5. Volunteer - it really opened my eyes, when I started working with poor and mentally disabled children. Seeing these kids suffer, so lost and unwanted made me appreciate my life, even if it had a lot of messed up bits.
6. Take it one day at a time - I stopped worrying about the future and I let go of the past. It HELPED.

That's it in a nutshell. I know its a bit long, but that's what I did to help myself. I'm not exactly a happy cookie, but i'm much better. I hope things pick up for you soon, and if you want, feel free to PM me.

 

[Emmajesty1]

Thank you for your kind words
It's easier talking to people who ACTUALLY understand what we are going through. I always try my hardest to , as Veruca said 'Fake it and make it'. My biggest downfall is that I find it hard to be independent (which I know I need to be) as I seem to have some sort of social anxiety. I'm always scared of who is around and it's especially hard If you live in a country as small as mine!

 

[iSurf]

Hi Emma,

I'm 22, almost 23 myself and have suffered from social anxiety and simply never made any friends or any connections with people (hence the reason I'm on a website like this)... as a result of being alone and shut out from the world, I also have depression. It all seems like one vicious cycle as one health condition leads to another etc.

I think in terms of happiness I'm realizing its very unlikely we will be happy all the time, but we can definitely pursue things to make us happier and bring more meaning in life. Although I can't seem to find anything that does that for me anymore...

Also whenever you need to speak I find it might help to use the chartroom or send private messages with other members, because sometimes the responses on the forums tend to be a bit slow.

 

[Social Knight]

Here are some things I can suggest, but this is just my two cents worth, based on personal experiences;

1. Fake it till you make it - fake a smile, fake being happy and eventually your body/mind starts believing it and you feel better.

You can't fake it but you can believe in the positive and motivate yourself.

Fake is very bad advice , to me it simply means, stop being depressed all the time and do your best to be positive.

 

[Peter Lorre]

Welcome Emma I'm sorry you've had some bad experiences when it comes to friends and relationships, but don't give up, because things might turn your way

Enjoy your stay!

 

[Veruca]

Here are some things I can suggest, but this is just my two cents worth, based on personal experiences;

1. Fake it till you make it - fake a smile, fake being happy and eventually your body/mind starts believing it and you feel better.

You can't fake it but you can believe in the positive and motivate yourself.

Fake is very bad advice , to me it simply means, stop being depressed all the time and do your best to be positive.

I think faking is a start, at least it was for me. Of course all advice is subjective. For me, faking a smile, faking enjoyment,faking happiness led to actually feeling happy. I couldn't tell you how many times just plastering a fake smile or pretending to enjoy a dance helped. But I think the faking has to be a behaviour and not a thought. For example, forcing the physical self to fake being happy can trigger the release of happy hormones, but its dangerous to lie to yourself.....if that makes sense

And anyway, whats wrong with telling oneself to stop being depressed and trying to be more positive? There are many ways in which people help themselves. For some people, initial attempts at being positive can lead to major improvements.

 

[Social Knight]

Here are some things I can suggest, but this is just my two cents worth, based on personal experiences;

1. Fake it till you make it - fake a smile, fake being happy and eventually your body/mind starts believing it and you feel better.

You can't fake it but you can believe in the positive and motivate yourself.

Fake is very bad advice , to me it simply means, stop being depressed all the time and do your best to be positive.

I think faking is a start, at least it was for me. Of course all advice is subjective. For me, faking a smile, faking enjoyment,faking happiness led to actually feeling happy. I couldn't tell you how many times just plastering a fake smile or pretending to enjoy a dance helped. But I think the faking has to be a behaviour and not a thought. For example, forcing the physical self to fake being happy can trigger the release of happy hormones, but its dangerous to lie to yourself.....if that makes sense

And anyway, whats wrong with telling oneself to stop being depressed and trying to be more positive? There are many ways in which people help themselves. For some people, initial attempts at being positive can lead to major improvements.

I agree, advice is subjective.

I tried to fake it and it didn't work that's why I didn't like it.

All advice is with good intention so no harm done.