Oh here we go!

[Alma lost her spoon]

The last couple of weeks I've been a bit lethargic, haven't been managing to be on top of working out, not been eating as healthily & I've found myself on that old familiar downward spiral.

I was out walking along the beach with Flay earlier, it's a bit grey out there today, that mightn't be helping, I walked along the waters edge hypnotised by the ebb & flow of the tide-it made me think of all the breaths of all the people in the world coming & going....my thoughts as I walked meandered their way to this time last year...I've been aware of it lurking in the darkened corners & I've been attempting to just walk on as if it wasn't there.

I walk away...it builds.

I came home & closed the door, a massive wave of emotion engulfed me & threw me to the floor, I lay there behind the door drenched with the grief & loss that I thought I'd dealt with, sobbing like a child for the love I can't have & can't seem to stop myself longing, aching, crying for.

I don't like it here, I don't want to be here & I've been working oh so ******* hard to NOT be here, but here I find myself once more.

I'll get back on the up again, this too will pass but I'm concerned that my life will forever consist of this merrygoroundrollercoaster that I seem to be on.

& let's not even start thinking about how I'm going to make it through Christmas, & worse-New Year!

 

[ladyforsaken]

Alma, I can relate to how you feel. I was pretty down all over again recently and it's been really hard trying to get up - I think it's even changed me a little.

I'm really sorry you went through what you did - it's not easy, no matter how strong we try to be.

My thoughts are with you, I hope you remain strong and keep fighting despite all that's happened. There were times in the past weeks when I went through such moments you described above and felt like giving up because I feel so tired for always trying so hard only to be crushed anyway. But people always tell me to just keep going, just keep going no matter what, they said I'll get out of it if I do just that. I'm still going at it. I hope you do too.

Whatever it is, I know you'll get better, I believe in you. Please take care of yourself and talk to us here when you need to, okay? *hugs*

 

[ABrokenMan]

Alma, I felt that way over the weekend. I cannot predict when a wave of negative emotion will engulf me.
i was pumping gas, and all of a sudden, I felt completely and utterly overwhelmed by feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness...I am nowhere near a much needed emotional recovery after what I have endured since Dec. 2012 - it hasn't let up yet. But, I just hope for a day where I can just let go, block out the bad and appreciate being above ground. Really helps when the weather is warm on this sunny, fall day, and I can go outside and enjoy it. Now, if only my knees didn't hurt like hell...

 

[Alma lost her spoon]

Thanks for posting both of you-I appreciate it.

I'm also sorry that you've been down too.

I kinna knew that the end part of this year might prove to be challenging but I was hoping I'd make it further along than this before falling back down.

It concerns me that if I'm finding this point such a struggle however can I hope to make it through....

I haven't gone to the gym today/tonight AGAIN! but I am about to cook myself a nice healthy chicken stirfry so that's something I guess.

I HAVE to get back to the gym, at least I managed a little sword practice today.

Here's hoping things get better for us all soon.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Thanks for posting both of you-I appreciate it.

I'm also sorry that you've been down too.

I kinna knew that the end part of this year might prove to be challenging but I was hoping I'd make it further along than this before falling back down.

It concerns me that if I'm finding this point such a struggle however can I hope to make it through....

I haven't gone to the gym today/tonight AGAIN! but I am about to cook myself a nice healthy chicken stirfry so that's something I guess.

I HAVE to get back to the gym, at least I managed a little sword practice today.

Here's hoping things get better for us all soon.

(((((Alma))) Chin up, lovely lady.
How about a few minutes of just stretching before bedtime? Not the gym, but it would help relax you and it would be doing SOMETHING.

 

[TheRealCallie]

The end of the year can be difficult for me, as well. But, while I may not know exactly what your story is, I feel confident in saying that it does get better.


Keep busy and don't give yourself too much time to think. Force yourself to do what you need to do if you have to. Just don't let the thoughts and memories get you too down.

 

[Cavey]

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling 'broken' right now, Alma. I think most people here can understand that feeling of loss from an ended relationship, and the loneliness and uncertainty that follows it. I know when my marriage fell apart, I was destroyed. I'd keep thinking I was starting to get over it and everyone would keep telling me how well I was coping and how strong I was, but they couldn't see me just standing in the shower for hours and crying my eyes out.

It took me, quite literally, years to completely rid myself of that feeling, but I got there in the end and I know that you will too.

Something that helped me with general feelings of depression in the winter months was changing the lighting in my home. I changed all my downstairs bulbs from the normal 2500K ones to 6500K and it felt far more summery. It takes a bit of getting used to because they're much whiter than the usual yellow/orange tinted light that bulbs give out, but they help me loads. Although, you should never put them in the bedroom, because they simulate daylight, so they inhibit melatonin production which gives us the signal that it's time to sleep.

I hope that you and Flay have a better day tomorrow and that you get back down to the gym soon!

 

[Alma lost her spoon]

Eve, thankyou for the hugs, virtual they may be, but I need & am thankful of them just the same-I miss being hugged(& held) so very much.

Of course the irony of your advice is that part of my job is teaching others how to relax & sleep well-at least the bad dreams haven't restarted as yet.

Callie, I agree about keeping myself busy but at some point I have to deal with it all.

user 130057, thanks, Flay is a complete Godsend...I'm determined to get to the gym on Thursday.