I'm a pedophile.
I have NEVER done ANYTHING inappropriate to a child.
It first started when I was 14. It started as a 14 year old boy who wanted to look at 14 year old girls. 14 became 13, became 12 and so on and so forth until I got down to 4 year olds. Then one day I saw pictures of a 3 year old girl and thought "Oh, God that's awful." The hypocrisy hit me hard and I suddenly realized what I'd been doing and what I was.
That was 12 years ago and I've been fighting this ever since. I've tried many many theories on how to control myself. As hard as I'd tried I could never go more than a few months without turning back to pornography, even if only once.
About 6 months ago I tried to commit suicide. My best friend saved me and somewhere in there that night I confessed to her what I was.
She was okay with it, she accepted it, she told me I wasn't a bad person. It was truly the last thing I expected. It may have been the most important night of my life. Having someone I trust who knows about me and that I can talk to has been indescribably beneficial. I've learned so much.
I've realized that my urges are triggered mostly be stress and that the reason all my attempts to control myself in the past failed were because they were based on self-denial. I had myself convinced that I was a bad person. Not just a bad person, a monster. A monster who didn't deserve to live. I would tell myself that the only reason I was still alive is because I was too much of a coward to kill myself. This whole way of thinking had me under constant stress which made it all the more difficult to control myself.
My friend told me that I need to accept myself for what I am because it can't be helped. I am what I am and that can't be changed. She convinced me that there's nothing inherently wrong with what I am. There would only be something wrong if I acted on it, and that's what I need to focus on. I need to accept what I am and just control my actions.
So far these ideas have been very promising. But the problem I'm running into is that I spent 12 years telling myself I'm a worthless monster and that's a very deep seeded mode of thinking that I can't seem to shake. I now consciously believe I am a good person with an unfortunate mental illness that I'm capable of controlling. But emotionally, in my heart, I still feel like I'm just plain evil and for the sake of ensuring that I remain in control of myself I need to change that. How do I stop hating myself? Is it just going to take 12 more years of telling myself the opposite of what I have been?
P.S. I didn't intend for this post to be so long but I started finding it cathartic to be this open about it. I never thought I'd be able to do something like this. If you've read this far, thank you...very much.
I have NEVER done ANYTHING inappropriate to a child.
It first started when I was 14. It started as a 14 year old boy who wanted to look at 14 year old girls. 14 became 13, became 12 and so on and so forth until I got down to 4 year olds. Then one day I saw pictures of a 3 year old girl and thought "Oh, God that's awful." The hypocrisy hit me hard and I suddenly realized what I'd been doing and what I was.
That was 12 years ago and I've been fighting this ever since. I've tried many many theories on how to control myself. As hard as I'd tried I could never go more than a few months without turning back to pornography, even if only once.
About 6 months ago I tried to commit suicide. My best friend saved me and somewhere in there that night I confessed to her what I was.
She was okay with it, she accepted it, she told me I wasn't a bad person. It was truly the last thing I expected. It may have been the most important night of my life. Having someone I trust who knows about me and that I can talk to has been indescribably beneficial. I've learned so much.
I've realized that my urges are triggered mostly be stress and that the reason all my attempts to control myself in the past failed were because they were based on self-denial. I had myself convinced that I was a bad person. Not just a bad person, a monster. A monster who didn't deserve to live. I would tell myself that the only reason I was still alive is because I was too much of a coward to kill myself. This whole way of thinking had me under constant stress which made it all the more difficult to control myself.
My friend told me that I need to accept myself for what I am because it can't be helped. I am what I am and that can't be changed. She convinced me that there's nothing inherently wrong with what I am. There would only be something wrong if I acted on it, and that's what I need to focus on. I need to accept what I am and just control my actions.
So far these ideas have been very promising. But the problem I'm running into is that I spent 12 years telling myself I'm a worthless monster and that's a very deep seeded mode of thinking that I can't seem to shake. I now consciously believe I am a good person with an unfortunate mental illness that I'm capable of controlling. But emotionally, in my heart, I still feel like I'm just plain evil and for the sake of ensuring that I remain in control of myself I need to change that. How do I stop hating myself? Is it just going to take 12 more years of telling myself the opposite of what I have been?
P.S. I didn't intend for this post to be so long but I started finding it cathartic to be this open about it. I never thought I'd be able to do something like this. If you've read this far, thank you...very much.