Questions for the Men

[user 139760]

Okay men, now only answer if you're gonna be truthful on this one! No female pleasers allowed, I want it real and raw.

Context- The male gaze is something that is both desirable to me and dreaded by me, at the same time. If the guy I want to notice me, notices me, it's amazing... every other guy, thanks... but no thanks mate. Sometimes it can be rather intimidating, but nothing is more soul destroying as when another woman catches your mans eye...

I wanna ask men, what is the truth, what does it mean if another woman catches your eye? Are you less in love with the woman you're with, are you just admiring, do you wish you had a wife/girlfriend that looks like her instead?

Sometimes, yes. Other times...a nice ass is a nice ass.
I think it's very variable depending on the context. Men are usually shallower than women and more immediate, so it might not mean a thing. It depends greatly on who the guy in question is and what he thinks is his own level of attractiveness.
But say, someone in a serious relation checking another girl out, in my case, that would be just checking the desert table. It's not something I usually do all that much either, unless said girl defies the laws of gravity...

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

But say a guy keeps checking you out...is he really doing that for no reason... he really thinks nothing...?? I just dont get it fellas.

If we were more guided by instinct than we are logic, we wouldn't have survived as a species. Just because a person is attractive doesn't necessarily mean they're good for you, even if they accept your advances. That's how abusive relationships start, the eyes see one thing, the ears hear another, and the person is all together different than the public perception that they give off. If a man is worth a **** and has a good head on his shoulders, he'll take the slower route of getting to know someone first over the risks of hookup culture conundrums. Instant gratification is nice, but if it's at the cost and risk of incompatibility for a long term development, than it can get really self-destructive pretty easily with some mismanagement. If he isn't cognitively aware what happens to his brain chemistry and body during/after a hookup, he won't be able to handle when it doesn't work out later.. Basically what I'm trying to say is, Mr. Overconfident bites off more than he can chew and then wonders why he can't swallow without choking. Brain chemistry is really powerful honeysuckle, most people struggle with controlling it regardless of gender.

 

[ardour]

I wanna ask men, what is the truth, what does it mean if another woman catches your eye? Are you less in love with the woman you're with, are you just admiring, do you wish you had a wife/girlfriend that looks like her instead?

Being with somebody doesn't mean you suddenly cease finding other members of the opposite sex attractive. If a girlfriend admitted to finding some other guy attractive, fine I wouldn't be bothered, it's just an admission of something she has no control over.

Also what are you implying here: less attractive men shouldn't be checking out women? As if they shouldn't have an orientation. Ship us off to some sort of camp in Siberia so you don't get upset at what might be going on in our private thoughts. Sorry but you'll have to deal with ugly dudes existing in the same space as you.

 

[HelloNewman]

Just because a person is attractive doesn't necessarily mean they're good for you, even if they accept your advances

Spot on. We humans seem to have delusions about relationships. I have a ten date rule. Sure, I want earlier to get into it. My rule has worked for me. I've got to know the woman. "I ain't no tart"

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Yeah , I probably turned out to be an a$$ in that situation. but even if I did end up with that girl. Situation would very likely repeat itself with someone else months later.
Since you mentioned comparing and staring. Guys probably do that. But not me in terms of visual stuff. It's more like behavior in terms of - I wish she is into football like her. I wish she is into video games like her. I wish she is into X like her. I wish she is more open to new experiences like her.
The issue is - you can never find perfect match , you need to "cut it" somewhere and decide where you want to take that compromise in terms of situation.
I had perfect EX GF , everything was solid , except her brain. I can get along more easier with my best friend. And in one situation I told my best friend: " I wish my GF had your brain. ".

Lool I think I asked my fella if he wishes I was more like some other girl, because she loved adrenaline rushes... and her was like no......of course not....I was thinking, yeah right That I can understand, it's just understanding the look... it's so confusing. Is it saying, she's attractive but no thanks, or is it saying, I would if I could or is it simply saying... nothing? Ahhh lol makes my head wanna explode.

It wasn't incredibly hard for me, actually. I was committed to my marriage and, especially since my first marriage had ended with infidelity, I didn't want to stoop to my ex-wife's level. Also, I had no reason to abandon my marriage. I'll just say that a few women a few years apart made it pretty clear that they were very interested in me. One of the women was also married, though unhappily, so that situation felt pretty icky to me. Had we both been single I might have pursued it, but I had no reason to walk out on a strong marriage for a big "maybe." And it was completely out of the question for me to have "an affair." I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that to my wife. I didn't do anything naughty with any of them, I just know that the situations would have escalated had I pushed them on my side. Thankfully, I controlled myself and didn't do anything stupid. It was the right decision. One of them e-mailed me just a few years ago, saying that she had divorced her husband and that she remembered "very good times" with me. I responded pretty nonchalantly, congratulated her on her divorce (they were not happy) and gave my best wishes. She once again made it pretty clear that she was fully available to me. I didn't respond to her final e-mail. I told my wife about it. In fact, I told her about all of these situations, so she was fully aware. I hid nothing.

I like this, you're an honest man, I know not many guys would tell their wives about this, even if they handled it properly. I know there would be hell if I told my fella so and so tried it on with me So I'd probably say nothing. Gotta pick your brain... Do you think having an affair is inevitable one day?

Sometimes, yes. Other times...a nice ass is a nice ass.
I think it's very variable depending on the context. Men are usually shallower than women and more immediate, so it might not mean a thing. It depends greatly on who the guy in question is and what he thinks is his own level of attractiveness.
But say, someone in a serious relation checking another girl out, in my case, that would be just checking the desert table. It's not something I usually do all that much either, unless said girl defies the laws of gravity...

But, checking out the dessert table wishing you could eat everything on it, or just having a look even though you're full? Sometimes my brother looks at women while he's with me, and other women assume im his girlfriend and tell him off They are like "you are a total pig, your girlfriend is standing right thereee" He gets really upset with it sometimes though as he has slight learning difficulties, but people just see a muscular tall white guy and think they can treat him anyhow they want. Thats his reasoning anyway.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Being with somebody doesn't mean you suddenly cease finding other members of the opposite sex attractive. If a girlfriend admitted to finding some other guy attractive, fine I wouldn't be bothered, it's just an admission of something she has no control over.

Also what are you implying here: less attractive men shouldn't be checking out women? As if they shouldn't have and orientation. Ship us off to some sort of camp in Siberia so you don't get upset at what might be going on in our private thoughts. Sorry but you'll have to deal with ugly dudes existing in the same space as you.

I mean, maybe you feel unbothered because the feeling is mutual, I guess it's pretty annoying to me, as I dont look at other men in that way when im in a relationship, it's like that part of my brain turns off, but admittedly it's not a very strong part to begin with... I dont think it's something to breakup over, but oils my brain with why? As when guys look at me I think... uh oh, she better work on her make up lol her fella wants some CenotaphGirl. I don't think, ah I bet he's having this involuntary neurological response to my butt... but... maybe he is.

You know... you're the type of guy to make me reread my posts, cringe at my sentence structure and wonder where on earth am I implying what this guy thinks i'm implying... I'm not sure why you think so, but I can assure you, I have no care what "less attractive men" think about me...at all. It's not even something that crosses my mind briefly. I have low self-esteem, I don't see myself as some beauty queen, so I dont wanna crush guys who feel similar about themselves, thats just not me.

Spot on. We humans seem to have delusions about relationships. I have a ten date rule. Sure, I want earlier to get into it. My rule has worked for me. I've got to know the woman. "I ain't no tart"

Yes Mr Newman! Keep your standards I love this, I have a 30 point checklist

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Guys, how long will it take you to ask a your girlfriend to move in with you? If you was taking too long for her liking, would you want her to ask you ? Like if she can move in? Is that wrong?

 

[Adamridge79]

Oh, you're supposed to ask or be asked? That sounds way healthier than my old ways.

 

[ewomack]

I like this, you're an honest man, I know not many guys would tell their wives about this, even if they handled it properly. I know there would be hell if I told my fella so and so tried it on with me So I'd probably say nothing. Gotta pick your brain... Do you think having an affair is inevitable one day?

No, it's not inevitable. If you date and/or marry for the right reasons, build trust and support one another then you won't want to cheat on your partner. You will find yourself attracted to other people along the way, but the thought of losing what you worked and built up will mostly likely stop the hormones flowing. You find ways to deal with it, ways to deflect it, and stay on course. So no, it's not inevitable. It does seem more and more likely as time goes on, though, and relationships seem more and more based on looks and less on actual compatibility, but that's probably always been the case to some degree throughout human time. We have trouble controlling ourselves. Sadly, you can't stop the other person. My ex-wife cheated on me and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I thought we had trust, she told me that she wanted to "grow old with me," told me that she worried about me cheating on her (she had nothing to worry about) and declared eternal love for us. So, you can imagine my surprise when the whole thing exploded. She didn't tell me, either, I had to find out from other people. So any commitment comes with risk, but I've known plenty of relationships that worked out fine over the years.

 

[Adamridge79]

Lot of words, but I'm bored. Cheated on, cheated. Much therapy has revealed my personal truth. I cheated out of an immense dislike of my partner. No, more like disrespect. Maybe no sense of them mattering. That was a severely messed up time in my life. But, and this is only me, I know what I would do now. I...>sigh< would address it now. Like an adult. I don't have that affliction presently, so I can pretend.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Oh, you're supposed to ask or be asked? That sounds way healthier than my old ways.

Did you do the whole... leave a toothbrush at their place? lolz

Lot of words, but I'm bored. Cheated on, cheated. Much therapy has revealed my personal truth. I cheated out of an immense dislike of my partner. No, more like disrespect. Maybe no sense of them mattering. That was a severely messed up time in my life. But, and this is only me, I know what I would do now. I...>sigh< would address it now. Like an adult. I don't have that affliction presently, so I can pretend.

Can I ask, why didn't you just break up?

 

[Adamridge79]

No....its pretty raw, and broken, and very very sad

 

[Adamridge79]

Oh, and manipulated...that matters

 

[Adamridge79]

2007 me was dumb as honeysuckle

 

[Adamridge79]

>chuckles<

 

[Adamridge79]

I end everything...I need a trophy

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I end everything...I need a trophy

Awh I hope you're okay

 

[Adamridge79]

Oh, I'm peachy..just better

 

[Adamridge79]

I get to chuckle again....fun

 

[Adamridge79]

And then there were two....