Questions for the Men

[solonely20]

Whats up

 

[TheRealCallie]

Okay, this is gonna be kinda long, but I feel it's necessary:

Forgiveness does not imply the healing process, and therein lies the problem.
A person can forgive a mistake, even if they are not healed from it.
That's the source of most platonic disputes among friendships and family, so among romantic or sexual partners that will also apply.

Emotional Healing is a slow process, it takes time and cannot be rushed.
The most that you can rush the healing process, is through direct management.

Acknowledge the problem, talk about the problem, but do not let it escalate into an argument.
At the point of conflict you're just getting what's called Diminishing Returns, which completely negates the healing process.
If you can't talk to your partner without it escalating, talk to your friends or family about it to vent, or find a public source of support such as this forum, or mental health apps.

Now, when someone keeps bringing that back up in an argument, it's because even though they've forgiven they haven't healed yet.
That's the main reason, 100% of the time.
The secondary reason, is when the problem persists to arise, scratching open the wound....and that's when things get bad, like really bad.
They develop a defensive reflex to bring it up, out of desperation. I should emphasize: Defensive Reflex, people don't exactly have control over that because it's how the brain instinctively responds to perpetual trauma-inducing scenarios.

Of course it isn't fair, but understanding WHY it's happening is crucially important and vital to a relationship.
It's kind of like bending metal: Yes, you can bend bent metal back to its original state, but if you keep wiggling it back and forth, eventually it breaks off.
This is that.

I have to disagree with what you think forgiveness is. Forgiveness implies that you have let go of the anger and resentment of it, so if he truly forgave her, the wouldn't be using as revenge over and over against her. So no, he hasn't really forgiven her, he just said what she wanted to hear.
I don't disagree with the healing process of it, but, you can't start the healing process until you want to do it, a lot of people don't. Hell, to this day, I have honeysuckle my ex throws in my face from a very long time ago.

 

[ardour]

I have to disagree with what you think forgiveness is. Forgiveness implies that you have let go of the anger and resentment of it, so if he truly forgave her, the wouldn't be using as revenge over and over against her. So no, he hasn't really forgiven her, he just said what she wanted to hear.
I don't disagree with the healing process of it, but, you can't start the healing process until you want to do it, a lot of people don't. Hell, to this day, I have honeysuckle my ex throws in my face from a very long time ago.

It's not as simple as deciding to forgive someone and all the resentment suddenly disappears.

 

[TheRealCallie]

It's not a simple as deciding to forgive someone and all the resentment suddenly disappears.

That would be why forgiveness shouldn't given on a whim or right off the bat. If I go to someone, tell them something that I betrayed them with and they immediately say "I forgive you" Sorry, but that's bullshit. They are either saying what I want to hear or what they think they should say. Being able to forgive takes time. The healing process has to happen BEFORE you can truly forgive someone.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I have to disagree with what you think forgiveness is. Forgiveness implies that you have let go of the anger and resentment of it, so if he truly forgave her, the wouldn't be using as revenge over and over against her. So no, he hasn't really forgiven her, he just said what she wanted to hear.
I don't disagree with the healing process of it, but, you can't start the healing process until you want to do it, a lot of people don't. Hell, to this day, I have honeysuckle my ex throws in my face from a very long time ago.

I so agree with this, I understood he needed time to get over it but I never forced him to stay with me, I admitted it and he said he still wanted this.. so why do I have to keep being punished? This was honestly something I did as a teenager… im an adult now I deserve to shut that door.

 

[ardour]

That would be why forgiveness shouldn't given on a whim or right off the bat. If I go to someone, tell them something that I betrayed them with and they immediately say "I forgive you" Sorry, but that's bullshit. They are either saying what I want to hear or what they think they should say. Being able to forgive takes time. The healing process has to happen BEFORE you can truly forgive someone.

And relationships would break down in the meantime.

 

[TheRealCallie]

And relationships would break down in the meantime.

And they won't if you say you forgive them but keep throwing it their face or are all aloof around them?

Actions speak louder than words. You can say I'm sorry or I forgive you all you want, but the actions of someone is what tells you the truth.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Honestly…. I think im having all this drama because im trying to be “different and nice” im gonna go back to being who he met… a *****… as this nice girl stuff… its not working.

He can beg to speak to me and promise never to bring it up again or he can piss off … choice is his, im tired…my bestie is about to go on maternity leave and me and her are just gonna go on a zillion girl trips and forget about these players as its simple they only respond to toxic women.

 

[randomguy]

Honestly…. I think im having all this drama because im trying to be “different and nice” im gonna go back to being who he met… a *****… as this nice girl stuff… its not working.

He can beg to speak to me and promise never to bring it up again or he can piss off … choice is his, im tired…my bestie is about to go on maternity leave and me and her are just gonna go on a zillion girl trips and forget about these players as its simple they only respond to toxic women.

Glad you got that all sorted then, sleep well

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Glad you got that all sorted then, sleep well

Yeps its bad girl…. Gone good… gone even badder time Note to self… dont wear any perfume to dinner tonight!

 

[randomguy]

Note to self… dont wear any perfume to dinner tonight!

Omg! That's sooooooooooo bad, I'm shocked

 

[TheRealCallie]

Honestly…. I think im having all this drama because im trying to be “different and nice” im gonna go back to being who he met… a *****… as this nice girl stuff… its not working.

He can beg to speak to me and promise never to bring it up again or he can piss off … choice is his, im tired…my bestie is about to go on maternity leave and me and her are just gonna go on a zillion girl trips and forget about these players as its simple they only respond to toxic women.

Don't be who he met, don't be different. Just be yourself, whoever you are right now. There's nothing wrong with that.

But I will tell you this. Love does not conquer all. Love doesn't mean you should stay together if it's not working. Talk to him, try to get the truth and see how it goes, but if you aren't happy, it's time to make a change.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Omg! That's sooooooooooo bad, I'm shocked

Im gonna do it!!! Im making a stand !

Don't be who he met, don't be different. Just be yourself, whoever you are right now. There's nothing wrong with that.

But I will tell you this. Love does not conquer all. Love doesn't mean you should stay together if it's not working. Talk to him, try to get the truth and see how it goes, but if you aren't happy, it's time to make a change.

I just dont know anymore, I feel so head over heels but I feel like he treats me like im a loser sometimes

 

[Finished]

This is the thing, if its “dealt with” sorry has been said, its been brought up sooooooooooooo many times… then wtf? Like Finished… seriously just feels like he brings old crap up to win an argument.

When he does, try to calmly ask him when will he stop punishing you for something that's already been forgiven? Or, has it not been forgiven? Maybe he really hasn't forgiven you. Or, maybe he truely does just want to hurt you with whatever he can at the moment. When people are angry they will sometimes do or say anything just to hurt the other person even if they don't mean it. But, if he is doing it when he isn't angry then, IMO, that is a big problem that needs to be dealt with right away as in, THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE PERIOD.

 

[TheSkaFish]

It's not as simple as deciding to forgive someone and all the resentment suddenly disappears.

Exactly. Your feelings towards the person and the situation actually has to change. Otherwise you'll just be saying the words "I forgive" but not meaning it, because you don't really feel it. And the issue will probably still come up again because it's swept under the rug instead of truly being resolved.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

When he does, try to calmly ask him when will he stop punishing you for something that's already been forgiven? Or, has it not been forgiven? Maybe he really hasn't forgiven you. Or, maybe he truely does just want to hurt you with whatever he can at the moment. When people are angry they will sometimes do or say anything just to hurt the other person even if they don't mean it. But, if he is doing it when he isn't angry then, IMO, that is a big problem that needs to be dealt with right away as in, THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE PERIOD.

I give up Finished, if he says it again im going full on burn my bra feminist. We’ve had sooooo many calm convos about it… i dont get his problem with me.

Exactly. Your feelings towards the person and the situation actually has to change. Otherwise you'll just be saying the words "I forgive" but not meaning it, because you don't really feel it. And the issue will probably still come up again because it's swept under the rug instead of truly being resolved.

This is it… and I was fine leaving and understood the gap was gonna br an issue he’s the one who said no… he’s the one who wanted to try… so idk why say he forgives me, wants to be with me to keep brining it up

 

[TheRealCallie]

You know, maybe you two just need some time apart to see what you really want. Good time for that trip to America?

 

[CenotaphGirl]

You know, maybe you two just need some time apart to see what you really want. Good time for that trip to America?

New York… but he was supposed to come lol ugh this is depressing

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Guys!!!

I just saw this on a film and I died laughing, please tell me… if a girl kissed you as a friend would that send mixed messages or would you understand thats just how she greets people? Would you be okay with it if your girlfriend kisses guys in a “friendly” way…as a greeting nothing more ?

 

[randomguy]

Guys!!!

I just saw this on a film and I died laughing, please tell me… if a girl kissed you as a friend would that send mixed messages or would you understand thats just how she greets people? Would you be okay with it if your girlfriend kisses guys in a “friendly” way…as a greeting nothing more ?

Yeah, as long as there are no tongues involved it's all good Princess