Reciprocity

[dd11]

One thing i have been thinking on lately is Reciprocity. And, I have realized there are some people in my life for whom i make all the efforts towards. And, some things in life are never equal. I think that is important to look at on some level to decide whether to move on from certain people or not.

 

[LonesomeDay]

Yes, I had to make that decision not too long ago.

My emails were consistently being unanswered over the course of many months, and I still don't know if they were ever received or read. And when I mentioned it I was told that other people would be ok with not getting a reply (but I felt a reply was always demanded of me).

My feelings were never considered: how uneasy that made me feel. I felt like I was talking to myself (or to a brick wall).

The lack of reciprocity meant that there was poor communication between us - and for me, it's all about the communication.

How about you?

 

[lifestream]

It's a muddy issue. I have a friend who has essentially adopted me into her family but who rarely reciprocates feelings or gestures, which are few and far between from me now because I know they're generally taken for granted by this person, as is so much else in life. If I didn't feel like part of the family, I would have moved on long ago, but I stay despite my reservations.

Reciprocity... it's a tricky thing.

 

[dd11]

I was pretty good friends (or so I thought ) with one of the moms of DD's friends. Well, she got mad because DD was invited to play on an elite travel team for her sport. She was invited. I am not the coach, nor do we have any control over whom they put on their team. Anyway, this friend's daughter wasnt invited so somehow that makes her mad at my daughter and me. I mean, this same parent went and played on a different travel team a few years back and didn't ask my DD who actually COULD have joined that particular team. In fact this group of girls had been doing things and leaving out my daughter for years. So I didn't know I had to check every activity my daughter does with her. She certainly doesn't with me. I mean, they are friends but the kids have their own lives in other activities as well.
Anyway, we were pretty good Facebook friends and use to post a lot and now i noticed she isn't "liking" my pages, etc. So, i am sure she "unfollowed" me which seems pretty petty, but people are petty now so whatever.

 

[LonesomeDay]

[...]
Anyway, we were pretty good Facebook friends and use to post a lot and now i noticed she isn't "liking" my pages, etc. So, i am sure she "unfollowed" me which seems pretty petty, but people are petty now so whatever.
[...]

I hope that you and your friend might come to an understanding at some point. What a shame that your friendship faltered at something that wasn't your fault.

I think there's a way you can check if you have been blocked etc. on Facebook - if you can be bothered (as you say, it's all so petty).

On Twitter there's a mute button which removes someone's posts from your 'feed' so that you still follow them but you do not see any of their posts. They don't know that you've muted them, which avoids any conflict.

About conflict - I unfollowed someone on Twitter about four months ago because it was too upsetting to see them striking up friendships and amassing thousands of new followers over the past year or two, when my own correspondences were being ignored (having been initially sought out and reciprocated). That led to being rapidly unfollowed (by them) and some verbal reprimands (from them), but they did not ask or seem to want to know *why* I did it.

Nowadays I think I might just mute such people or simply not attend to their 'feed', as I don't want to end up being blocked or face any further reprisals. That feels very painful to me who has no other friends.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Yeah, all you have to do is go to their page. If you can't see it, you're blocked. If you can see it, it will tell you if you're friends, but you can't know if they put you on acquaintance or whatever so your posts don't show up in their feed.

As far as everything else. I stopped being a doormat to people like that a long time ago. If I was always the one going to them, if I was the one always helping them, I just stopped doing everything and eventually, they just stopped talking to me. Not a real big loss on my end, if that's how they wanted to act and treat me, IMO. I don't need or want people like that in my life.

 

[SofiasMami]

I was pretty good friends (or so I thought ) with one of the moms of DD's friends. Well, she got mad because DD was invited to play on an elite travel team for her sport. She was invited. I am not the coach, nor do we have any control over whom they put on their team. Anyway, this friend's daughter wasnt invited so somehow that makes her mad at my daughter and me. I mean, this same parent went and played on a different travel team a few years back and didn't ask my DD who actually COULD have joined that particular team. In fact this group of girls had been doing things and leaving out my daughter for years. So I didn't know I had to check every activity my daughter does with her. She certainly doesn't with me. I mean, they are friends but the kids have their own lives in other activities as well.
Anyway, we were pretty good Facebook friends and use to post a lot and now i noticed she isn't "liking" my pages, etc. So, i am sure she "unfollowed" me which seems pretty petty, but people are petty now so whatever.

Oh, you've encountered a member of the Mommy Mafia. Their membership is far and wide and easily identified by grudge-holding, passive aggressiveness and only being around if you can help them look good. Best to avoid this type!

-Teresa

 

[dd11]

Lol!!!

---

We live in a small town. My daughter is one of the female athletes in her class. She has been with the same group of girls since 2nd grade. They all do sports together. I thought they were a tight group. Well around 4th grade some of the girls were siddenly playing on a travel team that we knew nothing about. She could have played but it was all kept hush hush. So we saw where she stood. Anyway DD became very good at her sport. One of the girls turned into a mean girl. And then in 7th grade they had no room for her at the lunch table the first day of school. So later that year she was invited to play with this Elite team. And now they decided she isnt being a "team"player. Which has absolutely nothing to do nor interferes with her school league!

 

[kamya]

What if you can't move on because you've got no one else? :O

 

[BeyondShy]

As far as everything else. I stopped being a doormat to people like that a long time ago. If I was always the one going to them, if I was the one always helping them, I just stopped doing everything and eventually, they just stopped talking to me. Not a real big loss on my end, if that's how they wanted to act and treat me, IMO. I don't need or want people like that in my life.

That is the only way to do it. The ONLY way.

You are not being mean and insensitive here. Friendship is not a one-way street.

It is my opinion that if you can recognize people like this early you are better off.

 

[SofiasMami]

What if you can't move on because you've got no one else? :O

If reciprocity is a major issue and you feel like you're being treated poorly like the OP alluded to, is being alone for an undefined period of time worse than being in a one-sided friendship or relationship? With friends like that, who needs enemies?

-Teresa

 

[ardour]

What if you can't move on because you've got no one else? :O

You don't 'have' them, there's nothing there. The relationship is worthless. Better to accept being alone.

 

[kamya]

What if you can't move on because you've got no one else? :O

You don't 'have' them, there's nothing there. The relationship is worthless. Better to accept being alone.

Reality can be pretty sad sometimes yup. Luckily I haven't gotten that low on friendships yet. I could see it going there eventually though.

 

[Tealeaf]

I often feel that people approaching me for friendship don't understand give and take, and by extension reciprocity. They want something and I might have it, and they want me to give it to them. I don't even enter into the picture.

I try not to treat others that way. I try to give people something first, even if it's someone to play a game with who knows where all the fun spots are or some chat on a slow afternoon.

 

[LonesomeDay]

What if you can't move on because you've got no one else? :O

You don't 'have' them, there's nothing there. The relationship is worthless. Better to accept being alone.

Exactly this. Sometimes you've got to set yourself free.

 

[Menorahman]

Yeah, all you have to do is go to their page. If you can't see it, you're blocked. If you can see it, it will tell you if you're friends, but you can't know if they put you on acquaintance or whatever so your posts don't show up in their feed.

As far as everything else. I stopped being a doormat to people like that a long time ago. If I was always the one going to them, if I was the one always helping them, I just stopped doing everything and eventually, they just stopped talking to me. Not a real big loss on my end, if that's how they wanted to act and treat me, IMO. I don't need or want people like that in my life.

This is every friendship of mine.

And it always ends the same way: me not initiating contact in hopes that the other person cares enough to do it at least once, but it never happens.