Taken for granted?

[ElevenHours]

I used to get confused on this "Taken for granted" thing but I'm starting to realize that I, myself is taken for granted.

You know the feeling that you're very hurt, and you really want to let go but you just can't? That's where I am. I'm stuck.

I'm still young, so I dunno if I'm mature enough to understand what I'm feeling. I'm going out with this guy who's 4 years ahead of my age. He's not rich, but he's sweet and funny. He's not really good-looking, but he's the kind of guy who you really want to be friends with. We started dating a couple of years ago, and I know that I'm still young, and immature but y'know, I just can't help it whenever my tummy's rumbling and everything's very awkward when I'm with him back then.

We're very different, especially on our state of living. I understand that whenever we'll go out, I'll have to pay for whatever we eat because he can't afford to. I don't wanna say this but it is the best word that could describe him: he's POOR.

As years fly by, I fell for him even more because of his sense of humor, and his sweetness. I bought him things that he wished for, and he just kept on asking. I think that maybe he became used to it that's why he's not saying thank you anymore. But this "I-understand-that-you-want-this-but-you-cant-buy-it-so-i'd-go-get-it-for-you" thing is making me confused.

It's like I became a walking credit card and I just found out that he's cheating on me! I confronted him, and he became that sweet guy again and he swore that he'll never do it again, so I forgave him and I'm lost! I dunno what to do again..
If he wants something from me, like he's asking me to buy him a phone, or he wants to eat lunch outside, and I said NO because I don't have any money left, he won't answer my calls, or txt me.

And today, he didn't tell me that he went out with his friends to go swimming because we talked about doing something this weekend together, that's why I'm really pissed.

I really want to let go, but something's holding me back. I really don't know what to do, when to start, and how much money I have left because this guy's really getting spoiled.

I know that it's my fault, but please, just help me get out of this crap hole.

Pls help.

 

[ajdass1]

I'm really sorry to hear that. It sounds as if he is totally taking advantage of you. He was cheating on you, won't talk to you if you don't buy him things... he's basically emotionally blackmailing you if you don't buy him things. That's totally unacceptable. I have friends who are worse off than me and they won't take a single cent off of me - it's a matter of pride. In fact I would only offer if the situation was really dire, otherwise it could be seen as an act of pity, an insult. In a relationship things might change, but not to the extremes that you're describing.

If it was just this then I'd say you could still work it out, but the cheating as well? I think that's too much and you need to break up with him and find someone who won't mess you around and take advantage of you.

 

[ElevenHours]

If it was just this then I'd say you could still work it out, but the cheating as well? I think that's too much and you need to break up with him and find someone who won't mess you around and take advantage of you.

Thank you so much for replying, I really want to break up with this guy, but I dunno where to start. Moving on is so painful that the thought of it makes me feel hurt already. I'm totally scared.

 

[ajdass1]

Thank you so much for replying, I really want to break up with this guy, but I dunno where to start. Moving on is so painful that the thought of it makes me feel hurt already. I'm totally scared.

I'm really sad that you have to go through this; also sorry that I can't offer any real advice as I've never been in your situation. I might ask my sister what she would do - she was in a terrible relationship for quite awhile and she might have some advice about how to get out of it.

I'm wondering whether there's anyone you know personally who can help you out - keep you from backing out, be there for you once you've done it, help you through it?

I'm sure there's someone on the forum who can give you better guidance. But if you want to PM me any time to have a moan please feel free... I also tend to be around on chat so you can find me there too.

Good luck.

 

[Ox Blood]

I dated a type like this for three years. That adorable persona and all of those sugar-coated words are so cute... Until you dissect them for what they really are -- tools of manipulation. He is using tried and true methods to keep reeling you in -- and you keep falling for it. He wants to keep using you until there's nothing left to use.

Are those warm-fuzzies still worth it when you know he is already easing in on some other girl? Perhaps... Already looking for his next "sugar-momma", so he can drop you like a hot rock when he's done with you. However, if it's your idea to end the relationship -- he'll throw on that sweet and adorable persona... And apologize up, down, and sideways. After all, he wants to be in control of the situation, and ultimately, in control of you.

Man-children (and gold-diggers alike) bleed you dry. Emotionally, mentally, and most of all -- financially. Once they've used you all up financially, they'll find someone else or continue to use you for sex. And if he's cheated on you -- here's the fun part. Now you get to worry about a whole new monster called Sexually Transmitted Diseases! You see, people who are irresponsible like this usually are pretty callous and aren't worried about these things. Do you think he's thinking about the STD he might contract or transmit to you? Probably not. He sure didn't seem to think twice when he decided to cheat on you.

Getting pissed yet?

If not, use Google-image to look up some common STD's, maybe even do a little research on their symptoms. Common ones like HPV can cause cervical cancer. Oh, but it gets better! Herpes? Yeah, that honeysuckle doesn't go away, ever. Once you have it, you have it for life. But wait, it gets even better. Some people don't show physical symptoms of some of these diseases, and are only carriers. Isn't that reassuring?

If he cheated on you, I would suggest getting screened for STD's immediately. Even if he's reassured you he's used protection. Condoms do not provide complete protection from all STD's -- although they do help reducing ones that are transmitted through bodily fluids. God forbid he gets the other girl pregnant...

My intention is not to scare you... This is your wake-up call.

I would rather you be safe, than get the rude-awakening I did, sitting in a doctor's office. Four (painful) biopsies later, I (thankfully) tested negative for HPV and abnormal pre-cancerous cells. Oh, and by the way, those exams are expensive. You think he's going to stick around to pay off those tests? Assuming you live in the US without health insurance. Hell, even if he does give you an STD -- man-children never take responsibility. Somehow, he'll only twist it into making you believe it was your fault or even try to accuse you of cheating (at least, that's what the loser that I was dating did).

Sounds like a bundle of fun, huh?

Yeah... It's not. I promise.

I'd tell you that you deserve someone so much better. However, at the end of the day, you have to decide when you are ready to fight for your happiness. For a moment, I want you to imagine what a life with this current guy would be like. Think about how he has ultimately betrayed and disrespected your trust... How will you ever be able to continue a relationship without those doubts festering in the back of your mind? From experience, I can tell you that people like this never change. But hey, they'll try to convince you! They promise change and will swear on their mother's graves, even.

Or... Imagine someone that you are proud to be with. That you can look at and know, "I trust him, without a doubt". Someone that cherishes you, for exactly who you are and not how much is in your bank account. A man that will treasure your heart and treat it as something sacred, rather than something disposable. A person that only has eyes for you, and isn't straying off to some other chick. Someone that will make you smile more often than not, instead of making you cry yourself to sleep at night...

You do deserve to be happy. But only you can make the decision to allow yourself that chance... To free yourself and discover who you are and what you will and will not tolerate in the next relationship.

 

[passage]

I think you are currently in a reality tunnel where being alone is unacceptable. So your brain with process information and facts differently. Very simply, this guy cheated (probably every opportunity he had, and I know many guys like this), spent all your money, and really doesn't offer you much other than the occasional validation, sweet talking, sex...etc, but in your reality this is ok, because being alone (or whatever reason is holding you back from leaving him) is worse. But this is all your reality tunnel, as you can see most everyone else will tell you to leave him.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

You can also google abusive relationships and the cycle of abuse.
If you had been isolated (in your case emotionally) you'll go through
Love stravations.
You might even hear some of these words tossed at you
"no one will love you as I do"

GUILT is the master tool of a manipulator.

You're in the cycle now..that's why you're doupting and second guessing yourself.

Most people actaully cant pull themselves away from abusive relationship
and keep going back to it over and over and over again.
Due to love stravations and trying to break habits.

Generally people stay until the abusive partner actaully leaves..because
cheating had already occcured....as painful as that was, you stayed.
Even if you're are will informed and have recieved good advice.

You might try support groups such as Alan On. If you cant get emotional
support from you're friend and family.
You need sustaining emotional support to ease your pains of leaving and
staying away.

The pains of staying must be greater than the pains of leaving.
This becomes an internal confilct.
Its like chosing the less of two evils.

Its very important for you to understand....
Im not asking you to stop loving him.
This becomes a major, major conflicts for most people, if they are told to stop loving someone
they love very much.

NO CONTACT to prevent any type of reinforcement of the abusive cycle.
Most people dont follow through with this either.
They get triggers from other sources through associations but not from the original source.

The most you can do at times it to be loving, caring ,forgiving, understanding and have paitient to yourself as you walk through all of this...no matter how many mistakes you make over and over again.

Whatever that bottom for you might be..but it's like a bottomless pit sometimes.

As you heal...your vision becomes clearer.
This wont hAppen over night....you didnt get this way over night.

It also might be benificial for you to keep a diary of GUILT.
GUILT IS A TRAINNED EMOTIONAL RESPONSE.
Observe how you're guilt gets triggered.
As you heal...you'll learn how to respond to your guilt instead of reacting to them.

You'll go through all kinds of stages and phases as you go through the healing process.
Sometimes you'll even hate yourself for being stupid.
So please, dont blame yourself. Forgive yourself as best you can.

There will be many nights and days that you'll cry yourself to sleep.
It's a very painful process...as you process your pains and let them go.
Its part of the healing process.

As i say...reach out to other people for support.
Support group helps becuase people had survived what you're going through
and they can be a great source of emotional support.
Most people cant do this alone.

 

[ElevenHours]

Thank you guys for all of your replies. Seriously, while reading your replies, I kinda felt a little strong. And call me stupid, but I just realized that it won't be my loss, it's his.
I admit that I'm still frightened, but I have to accept that pain is a part of getting on a new chapter.
I'm on my way to breaking up with him, but I'll take things slow. Maybe it'll take a few weeks or days, but at least I'd finally get out of it SOON.
You guys pushed me forward. Thanks.

- 11Hours

 

[Ox Blood]

The sooner the better -- before you start making excuses/find reasons to stay.

It's so easy to trick yourself and get in your own way. Especially when they are in the "sweet" cycle... You start thinking, "...Well, maybe they are changing and getting their act together". It doesn't work like that. Lonesome brought up some good points about how abusive relationships work. I would even suggest going to counseling, like LC suggested, so you have support outside of your boyfriend.

Each time you try to break-up and do not follow through... The harder and harder it will be to leave. You may not believe it now, but things can get very ugly. Though your circumstances may be very different from my previous relationship, I could go on and on about how I eventually had to go to court, get a restraining order, deal with police, harrassment -- I still deal with the residual emotional consequences from the turmoil of that relationship. I am healing, though. Could have made things so much easier on myself if I just cut ties. Deep down, your gut and instincts always know. Listen to them.

However, if you two live together I can completely understand how you might have to make arrangements and get your "ducks in a row" before breaking-up. But if you have the means to leave now, you should.

I know what it's like to feel so isolated and alone, you cling to someone that is... so wrong for you. Even when you know that person is only harming and using you like a rag doll. We can be our own worst enemy in that aspect, tricking ourselves into thinking we can't do without because it's better than facing the world alone.

Yes, it will be painful... lol, so painful. Especially if this is the first substantial relationship you've ever been in. It hurts to give so much of yourself, and keep giving... Even after watching your heart being ripped in half.

In reality, you are strong and smart. And you have a beautiful heart... One that deserves to be treated with respect and treasured. But right now... You have to be the one to stand up and protect it. Metaphorically, he has your heart tied up with barbed wire, and doesn't have a care about the wounds he's inflicted. You hold the wire-cutter to cut the ties and end all of this pain, as soon as you choose to. There will be scars... But the moment you cut those ties, you can begin to heal.

I promise you, it will be the best decision you could make for your future at this point in the time. Your bank account will thank you

Most importantly... Your heart will thank you.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I've just gotten away....for the 5th time.lol
She's been in and out of my life. Im very emotionally attached to her.
Yes...she was the first...substantal relationship I got into. She was my fiance.
It's all very very fresh to me. Its been one hellish of a year for me.
It got worst than it ever gotten. Just like you...I'll forgive. I have hope.
I'll have faith...ect All these moral and values I have are bascially used against me
My loving and kindness nature are used against me.

I'll even get lead to believe i have low self esteem or I dont know how to love myself.
It's not true..

My emotions are mooshed. My thoughts are scattered. I bascailly have PTSD becuase of it.
The drama and truama of it. The guilt...the guilt... the guilt.
Just like Oxblood..my story is generally the same.
The courts, the hospital, the cops. Just another twisted version of the twilightzone.

Yeap..I stood there and watch her ripped my heart apart and apart again.
Thinking...WTF???? U say Im the love of your life and you love me...why????

I LOST EVERYTHING AGAIN.
Honestly if she pops at my front door right..Id take her back.lol
Becuase even after i left her..i was still calling 2-3 times per/day.

I know I'm not totally well at the moment.
Thoughts of her roam my mind even while Im asleep.
I had a dream about her the other night. Of us being happy in the future.
Everything seems so real. Then I awaken...
A part of me wants the dream to be real...but it's not.

No one could ever tell me what to do...especailly about her.
I wouldnt listen to anyone or even myself.
I also know what my gut tells me....I dont listen to that either.
5 times...Every part of me knows it'll get ugly.
Its like I'm self mutilating myself.

 

[Thomas]]

Hey,

I wouldn't say it's fair to judge this guy and say that he's highly manipulative or whatever. It sounds like he's done some really bad things, and I agree with you and the others that you should end it. It really sounds to me that you deserve someone who isn't taking your kindness for granted.

From my experience, a difficult breakup really opened my eyes to the mistakes I made and why it happened. I felt so lost and hurt afterward that I learnt a lot.

Perhaps it will do the same for your guy. But I think you should move on, I think you deserve to be treated better than that. I hope it goes okay : )