THANKSGIVING AND XMAS- HOW WILL YOU COPE

[deirdre]

I haven't been around here very long, but many of you are not totally isolated as I am. You have family. You have jobs. You go to classes....You have casual friends maybe. Some I think are only here to insist "You really haven't tried hard enough" and have the idea they totally know why you are so darn lonely and are not shy at all in offering an endless stream of "Do this and Do that" advice when they don't know you from Adam.

I am totally alone. There are various reasons. Unemployed. No money usually in the gas tank to go anywhere...and it is getting darn cold and at age 60 I am not bike riding when it is 30 degrees out. No friends here, I moved back to the metro NYC area, very foolish move at my age and just haven't been able to connect.

I am seriously thinking of heading for Port Authority bus terminal, either uptown or downtown and putting a sign across my chest: Desperately lonely and willing to buy you a cup coffee if you'll sit down and talk to me.

Don't think I'll have the nerve to do it though.(or the bus fare in, lol) But the past few years I have tried the volunteer thing, and outrageously if you aren't a member of the rotary club, junior league, church group, they really don't want to know you. Even the Salvation Army didn't need me. I have yet to find even a hospital that will let me come in on Christmas eve, day or New Years to just help out. You have to go thru orientation classes for a few weeks. Jeesh. I don't have gas in the car to get there, nor bus fare for weeks on end so I can help out .....

I so do not look forward to Christmas Eve, Day and New Years alone again. What does anyone else who is totally alone in this world do to cope with this upcoming season? I mean, are there any agencies that will come to you? I am so isolated and home bound, but not disabled or ill enough for most social service agency services...anyone know of any groups or people who just might stop by and talk for an hour???? I just don't want to be alone again.

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

i have no idea what it is like in NYC on the holiday days you mention.. but is there truly absolutely NOTHING happening ANYWHERE on these days? no church having a simple sausage sizzle (common in australia), or community centres doing anything anywhere?

tis true that on christmas eve and day people tend to lock themselves in with their families and friends, the silence outside is dense and it feels like the deathly nothingness of the end of the world.. i quite like it actually. i am not religious so christmas doesn't mean anything to me.. just another day.. marked by a lack of human presence in the streets..

i view new years much the same.. i don't see anything special about the calander ticking over to anther year and have spent most of them in the last ten years alone.. can't actually remember when was the last time i did something, anything at new years.. the only difference is the external world seems to get LOUDER this day...

er.. no advice here but warm regards to you deirdre

 

[Luna]

Oh Deirdre...reading your words truly pained me...

I am sorry to hear that you are going through such difficult times.
Carrying the burden of a heavy heart...is truly a lonesome suffering.

If I could meet you, I would, as a friend.
However, even though I cannot be with you in person, I can be with you in the online world.
If you would like someone to talk to 1-on-1, please feel free to send me a PM.

Please know that you are not uncared for. However, despite that you may be miles away...despite that you know no one here...there are people who you have never met, or may never meet, that do care.

We were all drawn here for a reason...whatever that reason may be, I hope you find what you are searching for.

Deirdre, as I am not familiar with the NYC area, might I suggest that you take a look through the newspapers? Hopefully there will be something for you...

Please take care of yourself...I wish I could provide to you advice, but I do not know what to offer. The best I have to offer...are my well wishes for you.
I hope that things do work out for you...

(((hug)))

 

[deirdre]

well hello there from down under!!!! it is almost summertime for you now, how grand to be on the cusp of summer....isn't springtime just a better time of year all the way around???? I swear up here, the cold, ice and dreary days just add to the whole lonely at the holidays scenario.

No. EVERYTHING shuts down. I'm out in the suburbs and truly, there might be a couple of restaurants open that day, mainly in a hotel, but otherwise, everything is totally shut down. Yes, the streets are empty.... It might be a bit different in the NYC, it is so vast, I'm sure there are all kinds of ethnic based locations that are still in operation, heck, why would the muslim community or muslim business man or a hindu or some things down in chinatown not be open for business, unless he felt it might be miscontrued as rude.... In a city that size, there are more possibilities, but the real gathering spots would be closed.

LOL.... yeah, we call them pancake breakfasts here in the states, though i love your terminology!!! a sausage sizzle!!! ummm, I can smell it now!!! No. NOT on a huge religious holiday around here. Everything is about it being a FAMILY day. And yes, all community centers are closed. The staff has the day off, everyone is at home with their families...the only places you can walk into are the hospitals and nursing homes. I might take a stab at the nursing home in town, it's only a mile bike ride from my house, no matter how cold it might be that day, I probably could make it, I'll call this week and ask if I can just help in the activity room or visit the ones who don't have family, like me. That is a possibility.

I am not at all religious myself, but if, like I say, I happen to have a drop of gas in my car, I do go from time to time to a Unitarian Church, again, just to be with people, sing a few songs. I love to sing, I especially love christmas carols, brings back lots of nice memories. Nice group of people and I love that it is so ethnically diverse, people of all hues..but again, everyone seems to have families...and my unitarian church doesn't even open on Christmas Day.

i have no idea what it is like in NYC on the holiday days you mention.. but is there truly absolutely NOTHING happening ANYWHERE on these days? no church having a simple sausage sizzle (common in australia), or community centres doing anything anywhere?

tis true that on christmas eve and day people tend to lock themselves in with their families and friends, the silence outside is dense and it feels like the deathly nothingness of the end of the world.. i quite like it actually. i am not religious so christmas doesn't mean anything to me.. just another day.. marked by a lack of human presence in the streets..

i view new years much the same.. i don't see anything special about the calander ticking over to anther year and have spent most of them in the last ten years alone.. can't actually remember when was the last time i did something, anything at new years.. the only difference is the external world seems to get LOUDER this day...

er.. no advice here but warm regards to you deirdre

---

Luna, how sweet and kind your reply was, I truly could feel the warmth and genuine concern. If I ever get around to figuring out how to use an IM system, I will take that up with you, LOL...not the big computer whiz, which is why I am probably not getting any interviews at all for jobs. I can putz around on a computer, get word and excel to work eventually, but even the basic phone answering jobs now insist on PROFICIENCY with computers. (no folks, even local senior centers do not provide free or at least for me, affordable, computer classes...and for seniors, they are usually just how to email, use the internet deals...not designed to get you proficient in word, excel and powerpoint). I used to belong to an on-line community for poetry and many many wonderful poets and nice people were from all over Canada...a much more well-read and well educated population, but that is just my humble opinion. I do not have much good to say about the educational system in America, so many American's just are clueless about world issues and even our own history. so sad.

Yeah, it's kinda tough being alone in the world, maybe i'd be better at it if I could keep more on an even keel.... I have a few good days but eventually the depression makes inroads, then I struggle to get back to a more centered mind set..... reading, affirmations, music, my beloved poetry all help, but it's not the same as having a job to go to every day, people to interact with every day.... I just seem to need that structure. I cope better with life that way. Of course, having an income, however small, would help, I wouldn't feel so trapped here. Someone once suggested I just get a walker and claim I am handicapped to get the free shuttle bus service that will bring me out of my house whenever I need, but I can't be that duplicitous a person. Taking advantage by lying isn't going to bolster my self image any.

Good luck to you too and thank you so much for such gentle and heartfelt words.

Oh Deirdre...reading your words truly pained me...

I am sorry to hear that you are going through such difficult times.
Carrying the burden of a heavy heart...is truly a lonesome suffering.

If I could meet you, I would, as a friend.
However, even though I cannot be with you in person, I can be with you in the online world.
If you would like someone to talk to 1-on-1, please feel free to send me a PM.

Please know that you are not uncared for...I know. It is easier said than done. However, despite that you may be miles away...despite that you know no one here...there are people who you have never met, or may never meet, that do care.

We were all drawn here for a reason...whatever that reason may be, I hope you find what you are searching for.

Deirdre, as I am not familiar with the NYC area, might I suggest that you take a look through the newspapers? Hopefully there will be something for you...

Please take care of yourself...I wish I could provide to you advice, but I do not know what to offer. The best I have to offer...are my well wishes for you.
I hope that things do work out for you...

(((hug)))

 

[samba101]

Well I get to spend Christmas and New Years with my parents and sister and now looking at it I suddenly realise how lucky I am to have this. I used to bemoan the fact that I had no one to do anything with on New Years with, it was important to me but now I've found my priorities.

 

[deirdre]

Yep, it is important to really sit down and think about all you do have compared to the abject misery, fear, terror and losses of millions of people around the world. What little tyrants we sometimes are, wanting wanting wanting our way. I used to get down right pouty and practically rage at god "why can't I just have one crumby friend that doesn't die or abandon me." and yet, is it all his fault? I think I ask for so little, but why am I asking for anything to begin with.... I truly do have more than most every single soul in Africa, half of Asia. Some women in some countries still have no right to an education, are still considered property to be sold or used to further their family's riches, some are even mutilated so they never can experience common joy and pleasure. What is my emptiness compared with true suffering??? I feel petty and foolish just thinking about my big hissy fit over not having anyone to share the holidays with. I can't be angry at god or anyone for my losses.... that my two children died was tragic, the cancer battle was hard, that horrific marriage to an abusive alcoholic was even worse...but I survived it all and sometimes I think to myself, yanno? If even one person can see that things aren't all that awful for them right now, and that see? that other person went thru alot and managed to survive, so maybe I can get through this rough patch too, that's something isn't it? I came here a couple of days ago thinking I am so utterly worthless, but if one person takes heart and strength from all of us being here, and being supportive and not judgemental, not cruel and not placing blame, then aren't we all thrivers and aren't we all adding to goodness in the world and sharing our common hopes and struggles really does make feel less lonely. What surprises me is that there are some people on this website who get away with being nasty, making some rude and insensitive comments and I wonder to the moderators of all these threads, "What's up with that?" Do you at least warn them to back off and stop being so witchy? Cause I don't think bashing people with sarcastic comments should be tolerated. This should be a safe place where people can come to talk freely without fear of some jerk making fun of them. It is very upsetting to see this here and I hope I don't see any more of it.... trusting that sharing here is a safe thing to do is important.

 

[Pariah]

" I am seriously thinking of heading for Port Authority bus terminal, either uptown or downtown and putting a sign across my chest: Desperately lonely and willing to buy you a cup coffee if you'll sit down and talk to me."
great idea. i might do that sometime.
i have a very small family that does not want to be a family. i have no friends. i am all alone. it has always been this way. i cannot describe the alienation i feel. it is a horrible existence, every second. it's like being buried alive for decades.

 

[Knight]

Video games

 

[edgecrusher]

yea it does suck during this time of year. but like always im always working more than usual around the holidays, and ON the holidays. it sucks that we are open on thanksgiving and christmas but i get time and a half so its worth it i guess.

also... what knight said.

 

[deirdre]

well, there you go..... you have a job, you are making some money, being useful and get to spend the holiday with literally hundreds of people!!!! I'm alone yet again for the 10th year in a row. I like to think it's because I had to move, lost my home, so I'm starting over someplace else and unbelievably, but perhaps miraculously? I have moved to one of the most remote places in America, it truly is the land that time forgot, I mean there is absolutely NOTHING for a hundred miles, not a strip mall, not a Walmart nor a Dunkin Donuts nor even the ubiquitous Starbucks that are almost every street corner in America....so now I have no reason to kvetch about being alone..... There is no way to meet people here unless you are a Baptist, a Methodist, spend your life in those churches or have a reason to show up at the local farm bureau because you need some feed, seed or a good vet. LOL.... whatever, I'm destined to be old, alone and I will work very hard not to add miserable to that.

Yes, it does feel like being buried alive sometimes, the stultifying senselessness to my days, strung out like long long miles of saharan sand dunes, just as arid, just as barren, just as sere....and always that insistent pulse of need. must. please. now. touch me. see me. hear me. need me. is this how the insanity takes root and grows like a deathless cancer, eating me into insignificance until i am as empty in my soul as my mind?

Every day is a battle for that not to happen, not to let that one little spore of hopelessness mushroom into a full blown moldy, mildewed, rotten soul. Every day I die and I die and I die yet again, on the next day and the next and the next, For it is always then when i have reached the nadir of despair, that my soul once again awakens. WHY is that???????

 

[Knight]

Why did you move there?

 

[deirdre]

It wasn't a planned thing if that was what you were implying....I sort of tripped and fell here, I was on my way to Athens, heard it was a great place to retire to and I'm the typical wildly liberal northerner free spirit type, figured a huge college town would be more tolerant of my free thinking ways.... For one year I looked at real estate via the web before I moved, all over the country for the most economical areas.... knew I couldn't tolerate anything in the Northern climes because of my asthma, when you are in your sixties you often have to think of more moderate temperatures.... but I seem to have 'SUCKER' tattooed on my forehead, for I was sold the RV from hell, it broke down five times between Maine and here and I think because I have been so isolated and so detached from the world for so long, falling under the spell of the charms of southern hospitality wasn't hard, people were just so kind and helpful when i broke down, people traveling on the opposite side of the highway were turning around and coming back to me to see if they could help, they were on their cell phones calling for help for me, lord, the county sheriff limped me down the highway to a Hardee's, bought me a soda!!!! It was so unexpected, this outpouring of kindess and concern, people were just so genuinely caring. When I walked from the parking lot to a real estate office a few days after the last breakdown, my lord, i'm walking on the sidewalk and complete strangers in passing cars are waving at me, hello??? Whassat all about? Folks on the sidewalk smiling, "Hey! How you today?" UNREAL!!!!!!! It was so refreshing to be amidst people who smiled and waved and were so openly friendly.....I of course in my needy little heart thought that would translate to open arms everywhere...and of course people are pretty much the same as everywhere else I've been, they are just more gracious and polite about it here.... I do think my lonely only status is 75% age, it is so hard to find people who can fit you into their busy lives, already established, filled with old friends, family. Not many people on this earth have no family, I am one of them. Plus I am fat, that tends to put off some people. I'm an odd duck, I didn't pop out of the cookie cutter mold of personalities, I'm just probably too weird for people to handle. And I guess I am defiantly a rebel at heart, won't change to fit the mold, I have always wanted to be me, one and only me. I run into people once in a blue moon who delight in me and treasure me for a friend, it actually happened a few times the ten years I was back home in New Jersey, but it was all in that last year I was there. I had "Tom" and then he died, I had an artist friend who lived way out in Brooklyn, which is practically another time zone in terms of commuting out there, sometimes it would take me almost THREE hours to traverse those measly 25 miles to his house, it just wasn't conducive to developing any true closeness so again, I wasn't really connected. Also that last year, I became involved with a wonderful organization and though people there enjoyed me and my unique talents I could bring to the table, again, never did I forge a bond with one. I guess i'm just a lost person, I've fallen into a crack, i'm just a dust mote in the corner now..... and no, out here there is not one senior center, no malls, no gathering spots except for the 7,000 Baptist or Methodist churches on every by road and forgotten lane....and me and that concept God? Not going there.