The dark side of empathy

[daughter of the moon]

I’ve often thought that I feel more than the average person. Does anybody on here feel the same way?
I even feel, with full intensity, pain that is not my own. I hear other people’s stories of love and loss, and life and death, and it tears me apart as if it were happening to me.
How does one go through a world that is so full of pain when being so **** sensitive to any kind of emotion?
Do I try to harden myself and tell me that I’m fine, that their pain has nothing to do with me? Doesn’t that make me a little “less” of a human being? Or do I embrace their emotions and risk running into a full-blown depression over something that has nothing to do with me?

 

[StarvingZombie]

I have to say , and please don't take this the wrong way , I wish we could trade "shoes" for awhile.
I can comprehend how people might feel in situations , and how I should feel , but the problem lies in that I feel so little. I have had to learn how to put up an illusion that I'm emotionally reacting to input.


They best advice I can think of at the moment is to learn to read the situation and filter out the excess. Pick up on facial queues and use that info to turn off the receptors from time to time. If you are in conversation and find yourself and a need to filter out the other people use those facial queues to facially respond "appropriately" .

Now if your excessive empathy has a range where it effects you more , try and spend a bit more time in the other ranges (love, sorrow , fear, despair , etc.).

 

[daughter of the moon]

To not feel………..that would be bliss. I’d like to try that, if only for a day.

I’m not sure the thing about facial queues applies very much. I mean, I have the same problem when I just read emails/blogs/etc…….. learn about a tragic story (especially the ones about losing someone you love), and it devastates me, way more than it should.

 

[Seeker]

Do I try to harden myself and tell me that I’m fine, that their pain has nothing to do with me? Doesn’t that make me a little “less” of a human being? Or do I embrace their emotions and risk running into a full-blown depression over something that has nothing to do with me?

I think the first option would be the best. The world is a big place, and each person on this planet has problems, some few, some many, but the thing is if you try to take each and every person's pain on your shoulder you would finally collapse from the weight. So in my opinion no, being a little selfish doesn't make you less of a person, it does make you find some inner peace though, which is kind of the point here, isn't it?

 

[ladyforsaken]

To be honest this was my problem growing up.. I feel/sensed too much of others. It gets to the point where I could just sense someone feeling down in class and I'd go looking around at who might have a facial expression that shows them being "upset". It's annoying but I don't really regret it.. it allows me to feel and understand others better.

But when I got into my current job.. my oh my.. it was too overwhelming for me. I work with a lot of kids, most who come from troubled or broken backgrounds. My 1st and 2nd year in this job tore me apart.. I didn't know how to detach myself from them.. feeling for each of them I talk to.. even the quietest ones who don't even say a word to me.

I'm not sure what I did to find a balance.. I think I got to a point where I broke down real hard.. and maybe that made me push to find a balance? I don't think I want to not ever feel anything.. but at least find that balance.

Sorry this isn't really a helpful post.. but just wanted to say I can relate.

 

[daughter of the moon]

I really have nothing to add to this. Such a smart response! I’ve been going the way you suggested for a few years now, but every now and then something happens and the walls shatter. So…..you put it so nicely: I feel like today I’m carrying the weight of the world again. It hurts

I think the first option would be the best. The world is a big place, and each person on this planet has problems, some few, some many, but the thing is if you try to take each and every person's pain on your shoulder you would finally collapse from the weight. So in my opinion no, being a little selfish doesn't make you less of a person, it does make you find some inner peace though, which is kind of the point here, isn't it?

---

Thanks for your input
Sounds a lot like you’re HSP? I am, too, so maybe that’s where it all starts. Thankfully I don’t have a job that would have me face this kind of input. But reading some of the stories from people on here is enough to make my heart crumble.

To be honest this was my problem growing up.. I feel/sensed too much of others. It gets to the point where I could just sense someone feeling down in class and I'd go looking around at who might have a facial expression that shows them being "upset". It's annoying but I don't really regret it.. it allows me to feel and understand others better.

But when I got into my current job.. my oh my.. it was too overwhelming for me. I work with a lot of kids, most who come from troubled or broken backgrounds. My 1st and 2nd year in this job tore me apart.. I didn't know how to detach myself from them.. feeling for each of them I talk to.. even the quietest ones who don't even say a word to me.

I'm not sure what I did to find a balance.. I think I got to a point where I broke down real hard.. and maybe that made me push to find a balance? I don't think I want to not ever feel anything.. but at least find that balance.

Sorry this isn't really a helpful post.. but just wanted to say I can relate.

 

[ladyforsaken]

^ *hugs*

 

[Midnight Sky]

I'd say it's more of the disadvantage of being empathic, because I think the intensity of their feelings that you're feeling are increased due to being combined with what you feel for feeling their pain if that makes sense.

Being empathic myself, this is what mainly drives me to help others. But the other more painful disadvantage is the realization that you cannot help everyone.

And no, don't tell yourself their pain has nothing to do with you. It will still affect you, like your own feelings, but empathy allows you to understand people better.

 

[Badjedidude]

I've found that it's usually better to simply assume that others at least have the capacity to feel things as deeply as I do.

They may not feel as I do about specific things, but there are stories/situations/memories, etc.... about which most everyone feels deep emotion.

 

[a lonely person]

I’ve often thought that I feel more than the average person. Does anybody on here feel the same way?
I even feel, with full intensity, pain that is not my own. I hear other people’s stories of love and loss, and life and death, and it tears me apart as if it were happening to me.
How does one go through a world that is so full of pain when being so **** sensitive to any kind of emotion?
Do I try to harden myself and tell me that I’m fine, that their pain has nothing to do with me? Doesn’t that make me a little “less” of a human being? Or do I embrace their emotions and risk running into a full-blown depression over something that has nothing to do with me?

Maybe not as if those things were "happening to you", that kind of sounds as if you were devaluing other people's problems. I dont think you need to see it as "hardening" yourself, just try being a little more rational, see the big picture. Theres a lot of suffering you dont know about, it happens all the time, has been happening and will continue to be so (of course thats not what the whole world is about, thats just being emo). What good does it do trying to feel others pain? if you can do anything to help thats good, if you cant, then theres no use, you dont do anyone any good by feeling bad about someones situation, that someone might be feeling bad already by himself. In my opinion, feeling someone elses pain doesnt make you a better person, not even "more" human.

 

[Batman55]

My problem is that while I have empathy and can sometimes feel pain that's not my own, I'm too self-interested and detached from things to learn anything from it.

I am certainly not the kind to go out and buy a sympathetic Hallmark card for someone who just endured a tragedy, or just pick up the phone to talk about it with them, or even just buy anyone a gift for any reason (which is a shocker for many people.) I'm not sure I ever even sent a thank-you note without someone else bothering me to do it. But none of that means I simply don't care--my take on it is for whatever reason, I have no natural inclination to express my care in traditional ways. If such a thing is indeed empathy, I'm missing that piece of it, but not the whole category.

 

[Amethyst]

Daughter of the moon, I feel that been an empathist is not a curse but a learning opportunity and growth as a person. I believe that there are many ways of protecting ones sanity, although this does have a dependency rate on ones thoughts and feelings too, or how close you are to the person involved. If this message resonates with you, (as I know it will not with many) please feel free to message me. Namaste

 

[randomdude]

Wow i am completely like you.. I've been wanting to make a thread like that for such a long time but i never knew how to express myself. To be honest this hard empathy i feel is lately starting to be big disability and i don't know how to do something about it.

 

[daughter of the moon]

Dear everyone who's responded to this, I wanted to thank you all for your input and thoughts, some of which I agree with more than others I'm still trying to come up with a response to what you guys said, but finding it hard. This is just like me though. Just as much as heart overflows with emotion sometimes, my brain gets empty (way more often than sometimes).