Jesse
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- Jun 4, 2009
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Hey everybody, just wanted to stop in and give an update. I've only been away for two weeks (I have snuck in from time to time to reference some of my poems), but have had some major breakthroughs. I've found insight into myself, released burdens I've carried my entire life, and found new perspective on life itself.
Life
I've found myself caught in a money trap. I go to work so I can pay for my car so I can go to work. What is this never ending cycle of unfulfillment? (is that a word?) Everyone is doing it. We go to work so we can get money so we can buy food, shelter, and things. Obviously food and shelter are necessary for survival, but mankind- particularly the wealthy nations- have associated happiness with material possessions and status.
It isn't about things. I work nearly two weeks out of a month to pay for my car and its required insurance coverage. I've spent thousands of dollars on computer equipment, cable, internet, fast food, and all sorts of things. There's nothing wrong with having things, but I withdrew more and more from people to spend more time with my games, computers, etc.
My goal now is to figure out how to live a simpler life less dependent on money and things and to focus on my relationships with people because that's all that really matters in this life.
Burdens Lifted
I was molested as a kid. The man who did this to me also did the same and worse to his own children (my cousins). I spent a lot of time with my cousins as a kid and sometimes we'd build tents inside the house out of blankets and chairs. My cousins wanted to play house.. which apparently involved them touching me and wanting me to touch them back. We were so young, pure and innocent.. violated by a man the family trusted.
A couple years later my stepdad took the family to Michigan for a vacation. We stayed at his brother's house. His brother had two daughters. I was still young and innocent and decided to play house with one of the daughters. We didn't get caught... however..
A few years later my stepdad's brother came to ohio to visit. His brother's wife took me aside from everyone else and said, "I know". I asked what she was talking about. She said, "I know", with a stern, intimidating look on her face. It all came back to me. Ever since that day I've felt dirty, evil, bad. I felt like a villain. Not only that but my stepdad was a nightmare in bodily form. I lived in abject terror of him finding out and what he would in turn do to me. I've lived in fear and dread and thought about what I did every single day for years and never told a soul about it.
Finally, last night, it came out. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I broke down and confessed it all to my mom- everything- and with my confession came the realization... I was just a kid. I must have been around 8 years old. It wasn't my fault. A huge burden has been lifted.
Insight into Myself
Many of you know the troubles I've had with dating. I've had a major realization. It seems that it's up to the men to initiate physical contact on a date. I've always had trouble doing this and I never knew why, not until now. I was touched against my will as a kid. For years I've lived in guilt and shame for touching someone else while playing house. Can you make the connection as to why I have so much trouble even trying to hold a girl's hand on a date? I am unable to tell if she wants me to do that and after all I've been through, there's no way in hell I'd ever want to touch someone if they didn't want me to. I finally understand what's kept me from trying for a kiss, a hug, or touching someone at all even in a non-sexual way. This carried over to not just dates but family as well. I've always avoided hugging people or getting to close and now I get it and as I write, another healing tear falls. If I had a life free from the influence of evil, maybe I wouldn't have turned out good.
Hope everyone's doing well. Love you all.
jess
"Happiness only real when shared."
-Christopher McCandless
Life
I've found myself caught in a money trap. I go to work so I can pay for my car so I can go to work. What is this never ending cycle of unfulfillment? (is that a word?) Everyone is doing it. We go to work so we can get money so we can buy food, shelter, and things. Obviously food and shelter are necessary for survival, but mankind- particularly the wealthy nations- have associated happiness with material possessions and status.
It isn't about things. I work nearly two weeks out of a month to pay for my car and its required insurance coverage. I've spent thousands of dollars on computer equipment, cable, internet, fast food, and all sorts of things. There's nothing wrong with having things, but I withdrew more and more from people to spend more time with my games, computers, etc.
My goal now is to figure out how to live a simpler life less dependent on money and things and to focus on my relationships with people because that's all that really matters in this life.
Burdens Lifted
I was molested as a kid. The man who did this to me also did the same and worse to his own children (my cousins). I spent a lot of time with my cousins as a kid and sometimes we'd build tents inside the house out of blankets and chairs. My cousins wanted to play house.. which apparently involved them touching me and wanting me to touch them back. We were so young, pure and innocent.. violated by a man the family trusted.
A couple years later my stepdad took the family to Michigan for a vacation. We stayed at his brother's house. His brother had two daughters. I was still young and innocent and decided to play house with one of the daughters. We didn't get caught... however..
A few years later my stepdad's brother came to ohio to visit. His brother's wife took me aside from everyone else and said, "I know". I asked what she was talking about. She said, "I know", with a stern, intimidating look on her face. It all came back to me. Ever since that day I've felt dirty, evil, bad. I felt like a villain. Not only that but my stepdad was a nightmare in bodily form. I lived in abject terror of him finding out and what he would in turn do to me. I've lived in fear and dread and thought about what I did every single day for years and never told a soul about it.
Finally, last night, it came out. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I broke down and confessed it all to my mom- everything- and with my confession came the realization... I was just a kid. I must have been around 8 years old. It wasn't my fault. A huge burden has been lifted.
Insight into Myself
Many of you know the troubles I've had with dating. I've had a major realization. It seems that it's up to the men to initiate physical contact on a date. I've always had trouble doing this and I never knew why, not until now. I was touched against my will as a kid. For years I've lived in guilt and shame for touching someone else while playing house. Can you make the connection as to why I have so much trouble even trying to hold a girl's hand on a date? I am unable to tell if she wants me to do that and after all I've been through, there's no way in hell I'd ever want to touch someone if they didn't want me to. I finally understand what's kept me from trying for a kiss, a hug, or touching someone at all even in a non-sexual way. This carried over to not just dates but family as well. I've always avoided hugging people or getting to close and now I get it and as I write, another healing tear falls. If I had a life free from the influence of evil, maybe I wouldn't have turned out good.
Hope everyone's doing well. Love you all.
jess
"Happiness only real when shared."
-Christopher McCandless
