What are you feeling, hoping, thinking, or remembering right now?

[ladyforsaken]

That was the third social worker I spoke to who told me that I'm a very strong and positive person after telling my story. I never know how to respond to that. I always just smile and shrug. It feels kinda retarded though not knowing how to react to something like that.

Maybe it's because I smile too much. But just because I smile doesn't mean I'm strong or positive, right? Or maybe I am but I'm just not very aware of it. I mean I know I'm a positive person to some extent. And how do you even measure strength in things? It's subjective, isn't it.

I feel like the social workers I've met are "just doing their job". My approach would've been different, probably. Oh well. Anyway, I hope I won't have to see anyone else anymore. I'm not exactly comfortable telling a stranger my life story and my difficulties and challenges... and receiving their aid or sympathy. Makes me feel so crippled and useless in some ways - but only because I'm not very used to this sort of thing.

On another thought, I'm so glad my consultant decided to pop by to see me today. It was a new medical officer tending to me on behalf of him since it's not his clinic day, and the new guy didn't know anything until I told him what's what. And they told me they've passed my case to him well? Pfft. As soon as my consultant walked in (like a hero of some sort), I felt such huge relief wash over me..... you've no idea. I felt safe, again. Since he's the only guy authorised to make decisions on whatever happens to me as long as he's around, and so far he's been pretty reasonable and easy, so I do put some trust of my life in his hands.

 

[Mouse]

It's past midnight, I'm tired to exhaustion and can't sleep because our neighbour Mrs Bangalot is working on yet another DIY project. No point going down to bang on her door, she won't hear me for being deaf. Eighty-something she wouldn't even hear the Second Coming of Jesus H Christ. "Wear earplugs, Anna," I hear you say. I would if I could, but the fakking bladdy dog's eaten them.
/rant

 

[wolvesjr]

I'm feeling tired and am hoping my brain will shut down enough to let me fall asleep.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Sigh..

 

[PenDragon]

Come to think of it. what's the point anyway? There is no end of it. I think I should back down but...

 

[Cavey]

I'm hoping that I run into my next door neighbour when he's on his way back from work and I'm hoping that, if I do, I can maintain a hold on my temper.

 

[Tealeaf]

I don't care if it's midnight, I need scrambled eggs and ketchup.

 

[Nullgeist]

I guess I have to come to terms with having no one to talk to or confide in. It's going to be tough, but I've long realized how merciless this shitty life is, so it might not be too difficult to achieve. I can't believe I still have this "no one understands me" problem in my 20s, but when you know just how well everyone else seems to be doing, and how time and time again, they would rather make you feel worse for reaching out and trying to improve yourself, then how am I not supposed to be frustrated? This is not going to end well.

 

[user 115627]

I guess I have to come to terms with having no one to talk to or confide in. It's going to be tough, but I've long realized how merciless this shitty life is, so it might not be too difficult to achieve. I can't believe I still have this "no one understands me" problem in my 20s, but when you know just how well everyone else seems to be doing, and how time and time again, they would rather make you feel worse for reaching out and trying to improve yourself, then how am I not supposed to be frustrated? This is not going to end well.

I've been trying to accept that for the past years and it only seems to work good enough because I'm still living a peaceful life at the moment. But it doesn't get any easier with time and I don't want to rely on anyone too much either. I try to be fair-minded, nevertheless I've become very sceptical with every new person. Especially once I notice them putting others down just to elevate themselves...it is frustrating to witness it all the time with so many. Makes you want to withdraw from society completely. These people simply aren't worth your time, neither are they representative for all of humanity. So try not to close the door completely. Reliable people that are willing to listen and who will make an effort to understand still exist. They are tough to find though, no kidding.

 

[Mouse]

I feel disparaged.

 

[Peaches]

That was the third social worker I spoke to who told me that I'm a very strong and positive person after telling my story. I never know how to respond to that. I always just smile and shrug. It feels kinda retarded though not knowing how to react to something like that.

Maybe it's because I smile too much. But just because I smile doesn't mean I'm strong or positive, right? Or maybe I am but I'm just not very aware of it. I mean I know I'm a positive person to some extent. And how do you even measure strength in things? It's subjective, isn't it.


On another thought, I'm so glad my consultant decided to pop by to see me today. It was a new medical officer tending to me on behalf of him since it's not his clinic day, and the new guy didn't know anything until I told him what's what. And they told me they've passed my case to him well? Pfft. As soon as my consultant walked in (like a hero of some sort), I felt such huge relief wash over me..... you've no idea. I felt safe, again. Since he's the only guy authorised to make decisions on whatever happens to me as long as he's around, and so far he's been pretty reasonable and easy, so I do put some trust of my life in his hands.

Well, I am glad you like this new guy, hope he does everything in his power and understand what very special individual is in his hands


I know about smiling too much, and sometimes things happen to you and you go through them because you have no choice and you don't think that you are strong, but most probably you are, only you are too tired to feel it now.

 

[HoodedMonk]

I know about smiling too much, and sometimes things happen to you and you go through them because you have no choice and you don't think that you are strong, but most probably you are, only you are too tired to feel it now.

That, and, we are often our own worst critics.

 

[BeyondShy]

That was the third social worker I spoke to who told me that I'm a very strong and positive person after telling my story. I never know how to respond to that. I always just smile and shrug. It feels kinda retarded though not knowing how to react to something like that.

I would consider that a gift. No one's ever told me that before mainly because I'm not. If I were you I would be proud of it.

Maybe it's because I smile too much. But just because I smile doesn't mean I'm strong or positive, right? Or maybe I am but I'm just not very aware of it. I mean I know I'm a positive person to some extent. And how do you even measure strength in things? It's subjective, isn't it.

What's wrong with smiling too much? I hardly smile at all and I don't mind people that smile a lot too. I feel when I get one it is worth more than money.

 

[user 115627]

It really shouldn't be a surprise for anyone to be deemed hostile when all their words and reactions are filled with either unfounded offensiveness or defensiveness bordering on paranoia.

 

[ladyforsaken]

This is so hard to do. To write farewell and thank-you e-mails to the respective people. I didn't think it would be this hard... every single sentence I write, I end up bawling my eyes out. Sigh, maybe I have been in such denial that when I'm faced with reality like at this moment, it just hits me too hard and once again, my life feels so surreal. How I wish this was just a dream that I could wake up from, where things will go back to how it was.

That was the third social worker I spoke to who told me that I'm a very strong and positive person after telling my story. I never know how to respond to that. I always just smile and shrug. It feels kinda retarded though not knowing how to react to something like that.

Maybe it's because I smile too much. But just because I smile doesn't mean I'm strong or positive, right? Or maybe I am but I'm just not very aware of it. I mean I know I'm a positive person to some extent. And how do you even measure strength in things? It's subjective, isn't it.

On another thought, I'm so glad my consultant decided to pop by to see me today. It was a new medical officer tending to me on behalf of him since it's not his clinic day, and the new guy didn't know anything until I told him what's what. And they told me they've passed my case to him well? Pfft. As soon as my consultant walked in (like a hero of some sort), I felt such huge relief wash over me..... you've no idea. I felt safe, again. Since he's the only guy authorised to make decisions on whatever happens to me as long as he's around, and so far he's been pretty reasonable and easy, so I do put some trust of my life in his hands.

Well, I am glad you like this new guy, hope he does everything in his power and understand what very special individual is in his hands

I know about smiling too much, and sometimes things happen to you and you go through them because you have no choice and you don't think that you are strong, but most probably you are, only you are too tired to feel it now.

Thanks Peaches, you're always so sweet to me. You're probably right.. I still have yet to figure out my real emotions and feelings to all of this that's been happening. Some days I really don't know what to make of it.

That was the third social worker I spoke to who told me that I'm a very strong and positive person after telling my story. I never know how to respond to that. I always just smile and shrug. It feels kinda retarded though not knowing how to react to something like that.

I would consider that a gift. No one's ever told me that before mainly because I'm not. If I were you I would be proud of it.

Maybe it's because I smile too much. But just because I smile doesn't mean I'm strong or positive, right? Or maybe I am but I'm just not very aware of it. I mean I know I'm a positive person to some extent. And how do you even measure strength in things? It's subjective, isn't it.

What's wrong with smiling too much? I hardly smile at all and I don't mind people that smile a lot too. I feel when I get one it is worth more than money.

You're right, BeyondShy. I'm glad that I can muster up some positivity during some hard times. It helps some, even if it's just for a short while.

Thank you. There's no harm in smiling, at all.

 

[Oldyoung]

This is so hard to do. To write farewell and thank-you e-mails to the respective people. I didn't think it would be this hard... every single sentence I write, I end up bawling my eyes out. Sigh, maybe I have been in such denial that when I'm faced with reality like at this moment, it just hits me too hard and once again, my life feels so surreal. How I wish this was just a dream that I could wake up from, where things will go back to how it was.

We are humans and rational. Thinking about bad things makes you miserable, almost by definition. And there's nothing pleasant about being sick and facing death. Nothing. Especially when it's essentially outside your own control and you feel helpless.

Your only choice is looking away, and being able to do so is considered strength by some.

When you need to face it though, it's bound to bring you down. I'm sorry you're going through this. Hope you can focus on other things than being sick as soon as you're done composing the letters.

 

[ladyforsaken]

This is so hard to do. To write farewell and thank-you e-mails to the respective people. I didn't think it would be this hard... every single sentence I write, I end up bawling my eyes out. Sigh, maybe I have been in such denial that when I'm faced with reality like at this moment, it just hits me too hard and once again, my life feels so surreal. How I wish this was just a dream that I could wake up from, where things will go back to how it was.

We are humans and rational. Thinking about bad things makes you miserable, almost by definition. And there's nothing pleasant about being sick and facing death. Nothing. Especially when it's essentially outside your own control and you feel helpless.

Your only choice is looking away, and being able to do so is considered strength by some.

When you need to face it though, it's bound to bring you down. I'm sorry you're going through this. Hope you can focus on other things than being sick as soon as you're done composing the letters.

Thank you, OY.. you're right, and I'm trying. :\

 

[BeyondShy]

You're right, BeyondShy. I'm glad that I can muster up some positivity during some hard times. It helps some, even if it's just for a short while.
Thank you. There's no harm in smiling, at all.

No there isn't. It is something I can admire in people. It's just that, never mind.

 

[Mouse]

Have had to give up on sleep tonight for pain. Can't take any more painkillers til the previous run their course, so bugger!

 

[BeyondShy]