Why can't I accept it?

[annik]

I wasn't really sure where to post this as to me it doesn't really fit into the "relationships" section.

For some years now my sister has been having a relationship with a married man. I was the first person in the family that she told. I can't say I was happy with that because it put me in an awkward position with my parents and I was having to hide things and lie. I was also going through pretty bad things in my personal life and really could have done without the baggage. So inevitably maybe after quite a while I cracked and told my mum, my dad now knows too. There position is "well I think she's stupid but...". I seem to be the only one that thinks that it's wrong. I completely don't agree with it. I hate her attitude, I hate that she faults it. It's really caused a massive rift in our relationship. On a day to day basis I can talk to her but if it comes up I can feel myself getting tense and I just want the subject changed as soon as possible. It's made me look at her in a totally different way. It also makes me angry that my parents are so blase about it.

It's also in my opinion not had a great impact on her life. She was fired from the job she met him at (which may or may not be related). She had to move out from sharing with a friend because of the strain of it. She can't really afford to live alone so is struggling and always at our parents for cash.

In many ways she's one of those girls that just loses all sense over men. I mean its been years and clearly he isn't going to leave his wife so why can't she move on and have a real relationship? Yes she loves him but she can't be a mistress forever...

I'm also tired of being made to be in the middle. It was the same when she got together with a uni friend. I was the only one that knew they were a couple so my parents would happily let them share at bed at home (as they were both girls) while my boyfriend was banned. My dad still knows nothing about that.

My point is should I be accepting this? As her choice and what makes her happy (thats questionable though). Am I just being a cow not wanting to hear about it. My mother seems to think I'm jealous. NO! I mean that hurt. I just think she deserves not to share a man and yes call me old fashioned but I just think cheating and affairs are wrong.

 

[SophiaGrace]

First I will become a grammatical nusiance by saying that you mean accept, not except.

Second, I think your sister is stupid.

Though I totally might have a relationship with a girl so that part sounds fine. :>

 

[annik]

Christ I'm starting to worry about my inability to type, spell and correctly use grammar. Thanks I'll change that!

Yeah I think so too, think I made that point already though!

 

[theSmokingRabbit]

Chances are that her relationship is going to end in a not so nice nature. If she doesn't want to listen to anyone then she'll have to learn this lesson the hard way.

It's just a shame that this is effecting you and your parents in such a way.

 

[annik]

Chances are that her relationship is going to end in a not so nice nature. If she doesn't want to listen to anyone then she'll have to learn this lesson the hard way.

It's just a shame that this is effecting you and your parents in such a way.

Thanks and yeah it'll have to be us who picks up the pieces when it all goes tits up too. To be honest I wouldn't be surprised if his wife knows / suspects already. Either that or she's stupid / he's a great liar.

 

[DreamerDeceiver]

I think it's admirable that you are concerned for your sister in this situation. You should stick with your current disposition, of course, if you feel it is what's morally right. Keep supporting her, give her your guidance and wisdom, and address to her the possible consequences of the relationship; she should know what to expect if things do not work out to avoid a lot of hurt. It's always important to find what makes you happy, especially in a relationship, though it is imperative to keep practicality in mind even if it comes to setting aside strong feelings for someone in it's priority, and it would be crucial to help her realise this. Take care.

 

[Argent]

I was in a similar position like you, I have an older brother who was in a relationship with a girl from another country. In other words, they were very far and contacted each other only through the internet.

He wanted to keep this a secret from our parents, and he only told me about it. As always, I was only supporting him in any way that I could though I told him that such relationship could be difficult. I wished him only the best.

However, I didn't think too much about it because it was my brother's decision to go that way. I'm not bothered by his actions, no matter how much I think they are stupid or crazy because it's his life and his choices are only his. If he makes mistakes, only he faces the consequences and only he can fix them.

My parents found out though, they were supportive but my brother and his fiancee broke up afterwards. What I am trying to say is that you shouldn't bother about your sibling's actions too much, just let them do what they want and hope for the rest. In worst case, if they make a mistake they won't do the same thing again. =)

 

[RJLJD]

you're a better person than i. i'd have a hard time saying two words to a sibling that i knew was the other person in a cheating situation. i certainly wouldn't help them or support them in it either. there's just certain things people can do that are just too big of offenses, and to me, cheating is one of them.

 

[Sci-Fi]

It's her choice and her decision to do what she is doing. That is what you have to accept, you can't change what she is doing. You can voice your opinion on it, but in the end it is still her life and her choice to do what she wants with it.

My mom was in a relationship with a married man, he always said how unhappy he was in his marriage, and how he was planning on leaving his wife. Their relationship went as far to produce my brother and I, and in time my mom realized he wasn't going to leave his wife no matter how unhappy he was. She never stopped loving him even though he was a delinquent horrible father. Did she learn her lesson from that? Nope, she got involved with another man that was still married, yet claimed he was getting a divorce. He never did, so she eventually broke it off. Sometimes people can become enchanted by a fairytale the person spins, and can't see what others see.

 

[septicemia]

Let your sister live her life how she wants. I am sorry you felt so much pressure knowing she was with a married man, but really its nothing for you to get so worked up about. As you learned when you told your parents, no one is really judging her for it. Love your sister for who she is, and move on with your life.

 

[nerdygirl]

It's kinda crappy that she's putting you into a position to keep these kinds of secrets. I also think it's pretty lousy that your family is treating you as if you're jealous simply because you think she deserves more out of life than to be the other woman.

It's kind of weird that she feels the need to discuss the relationship with you. I'd change the subject, too. If I was doing something immoral, I wouldn't talk about it so freely. I'd especially keep from doing it if I knew the person didn't want to hear about it. There's no reason you should accept what she's doing. The easiest thing to do, though, is to just throw a lot of, "Uh huh"s into the conversation when he comes up and not really pay attention. Sooner or later, something is going to change.

 

[annik]

Thanks nerdygirl that actually made me feel a lot better. Thanks to everyone who replied here too.

This is kind of a moot point now. I got a weird text this morning asking me on some birthday trip with my sister, this guy and her friend. I'm thinking hows that going to work, whats he going to tell his wife? So I talk to mum and suddenly I'm told that this guy's wife left him and my sister has know since february and my mums known for 6 weeks. What? My mum told my sister she had to fill me in and of course she didn't properly and I was really confused. Plus my poor dad gets told nothing.

So basically she got away with it, no consequences and again my mum thinks I'm only bothered because my sister has a man and I don't rather than the fact that I've been lied to by everyone and that my sisters actions will never have any consequences.

At this point I've just had enough.

 

[theSmokingRabbit]

This is kind of a mute point now.

You're going to hate me but the point is moot now. (Mute refers to something being inaudible.)


When friends/family treat me like they're treating you I just normally stop associating with them. I have been told this is hard for most people to do, but you say you've had enough so maybe a cold shoulder isn't a bad thing?

 

[nerdygirl]

So... she told you the big secret that she was involved with a married man, and has been yapping away a you about their relationship all of this time, but didn't bother to say, "Oh, his wife left him"? I don't really understand why she wouldn't reveal that, since that creates a dramatically different situation. I'd be pretty annoyed, too, and wonder why she'd bothered telling me the bad part but not the thing that at least makes it slightly better.

 

[annik]

It's official. I need a proof reader. I wonder how I ever got through school. Though I've noticed these mistakes have crept in the older I've got. I often think one word then when I read back what I've typed I've written a completely different one. Anyway thanks I've edited that.

Yeah the whole thing is weird. My mum says my sister didn't tell us / me because the guy wants it all kept quiet. Something my sister hasn't done. I can't think of someone that doesn't know about them. Funny thing is apparently this guy is "really cut up" his wife has left him...er...

(Blimey its hard word not mentioning names...)

 

[theSmokingRabbit]

(Blimey its hard word not mentioning names...)

Yes such hard word you're doing right now...


::shakes head::

 

[VanillaCreme]

Honestly, it's not your problem. It's her relationship, not yours. If you don't want to hear about it anymore, tell her that. I know how it feels to constantly hear about someone you just don't want to hear about, not because you don't care, but because it's simply exhausting. It's even worse when you don't care about said person.

 

[septicemia]

She gets away with what? Its like you feel like she should have been taught a lesson or something. Stop being so judgmental, you have your own life to live, no need to worry about her love life so much.

 

[RJLJD]

She gets away with what? Its like you feel like she should have been taught a lesson or something. Stop being so judgmental, you have your own life to live, no need to worry about her love life so much.

i can totally understand why she feels the way she does! her sister was dating a married man! do you get how bad that is?! if you're a good person in this world you expect to get treated better by the world than those that ruin relationships or whatever else, but clearly in this instance that's not the case.

 

[septicemia]

"if you're a good person in this world you expect to get treated better by the world than those that ruin relationships or whatever else, but clearly in this instance that's not the case."

I have no clue what you are trying to say here? Are you saying that because the sister has had a long term relationship with a man who was married (but not anymore) that she is a horrible person who should be treated badly and deserves to have bad things happen to her? Maybe I have seen to much real life, but something like this barely registers on my ranks of the evils of the world.