Why Can't I Stabilize?

[AFrozenSoul]

So as many of you have observed over the past.. eh month or two. I have been adopting a pretty strict gene based policy. Saying that I am genetically flawed and therefore should give up on life. Well recently I have been struggling to believe that more than 65% of the time. There is another pesky other time where I am stuck being hopeful and motivated to change myself. You know that I just need to learn. I hate these feelings because all they do is make my depression worse. Mainly because they conflict with what I want to believe. BY believing both I am a hypocrite, and worst of all I have to admit I am wrong. It sucks, I really hate it. I mean I just sort of fell off the hope train recently so maybe it is still in my system.

How long before I can stabilize on one view and live with it for the rest of my life? Seriously, I am sick and tired of always swing back and forth. I know my working out is causing the swings. Stupid chemicals... however I do not want to stop working out. I just wish I could figure out some kind of a secret to shooing away these annoying hopeful thoughts. That way I can get on with my suicide.

Has anyone else ever had a problem like this? How did you overcome it? I mean I have already gone out and proven I am a failure... what more can I do?

 

[flaneur]

I believe I understand what you're communicating. You're afraid of positive thoughts, partly brought on by working out, because you fear they will give you false hope, which will just set you up for more disappointment. It's easier for you not to desire what you believe you cannot have, that is, change. In short, simply accepting that you're destined for nothing more is easier for you.

If you begin longing for something, then there will always be the possibility that you will be disappointed. At the same time, you cannot progress if you don't want to progress. The reason you can't stabilize is because you're oscillating between two extreme ends, one of them being suicide. I recommend you try to find some balance in between. You don't need to have a complete life turnaround to drop the suicidal intentions. Try to change something that is possible to change. Work in small steps so that if you fail, you won't be tremendously disappointed.

 

[Varifold]

What kind of genetic inferiority do you believe to have?

It is impossible to prove that you are a failure, because your intent to prove it influences the result. It makes you fail. It is illogical to conclude from such an outcome that you are, indeed, a failure.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@flaneur: But I want to die... what can I do to just cancel out the annoying hope?

@Varifold: I know that there is some flaw that I have that makes me see me as nothing but garbage barely worth being used.

I understand the logic as to why I will fail to prove I fail... how can I use that to cancel out the annoying hope.

 

[Varifold]

@Varifold: I know that there is some flaw that I have that makes me see me as nothing but garbage barely worth being used.

Given the extreme variability of the brain and its/your body's neural wiring it is not at all evident that behavioural or cognitive issues of such subjective value have a genetic origin.

It is, of course, entirely possible that your tendency to see yourself as garbage is genetic, in the sense that a certain pattern of thought is more likely to occur, but even then, the strength of that thought is entirely within your control. I found the best cure to be distraction. You must not think about "being garbage" or "seeing yourself as garbage", and you must also not think about not thinking about it. No matter how deep the recursion goes, your brain will always invoke the thought you try to actively shun, otherwise you could not attempt said shunning, and by that invoking you reinforce the very neural pathway / thought pattern you want to see gone.

The following analogy explains this quite clearly, I guess: Say, you dislike red books. There is a red book on your table. You don't want it to be there, so you try to convince yourself that it isn't there. But for that thought (the belief that the book isn't there) to manifest itself in your mind, you first have to acknowledge the book's presence. There is no way you can circumvent that.

That is also the reason why "trying to be positive" or "being positive" is in many a circumstance worse than "being neutral", because by trying to be positive you also mentally invoke the existence of the negativity you try to shun.

So, distract yourself. Keep yourself busy with other activities, ideally some which require physical activity and you to visually focus on what's happening. If you keep your mind busy, the neutral pathways which cause your thought of extreme inferiority will fade/weaken.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Varifold: What is the old saying? I think therefore I am? I mean I would not be thinking I was garbage if it was not true right?

So what you are saying Is that I need to keep my mind occupied from day until night? That way I won't have time to think about the fact that I am trash? Not like I have a job already, run a website, go to the gym, have chores to do, and play video games already.

However, I do understand what you are saying. Don't think about it, and it won't bother you. It will only get in the way when you are around other people. So as long as I avoid other people. I should be okay right?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

everytime i look at my avitar.....
i see an image of me being lickable.
i see evidence of that. it reinforce my lickableness.
i get a lickable sensation. i walk around all day
feeling lickable....everything wants to lick me...
even the mother fucken dog.lmao

more licks begets more licks begets more licks.

i let go resistence of being licked.
I Allow myself to be licked.....

but every so often an image of me
getting ***** slapped!!
That feels like crap.....
Im like fresia that honeysuckle.....i rather be licked.

so i come on here to look at my avitar of
me being licked.
then the next thing i l know...im getting licked.

Our body replaces all it's cells in 9 months.
However the cells reproduce itself in its own likeness or clone itself.
The cells in our Central nerve System also.
To make positve changes me must delibrately generate positve thoughts and feelings.
AND Maintain it..such as working out.....as postive thoughts and feelings increase.
If you started off at 25% positive...Youre not going to get to 90% overnite. (over all)
You migth get a serge or a spike of positive from time to time...
So if you're at 48% feel good about that. You're making progress.

So make another, 30days or 90 days commitment to yourself of being positive.
Using the breaking things down into small portions or setting small obtainable goals principle.
It'll increase your positive thoughts and emotions. perhasp to 60% or 70% over all...
As your body reproduces or clone more and more positive healthy cells.

Even if you manage to get up into the 95.8% range...You'll never be perfect.
You'll still get spikes of negatives from time to time..then stablized at 80%
At the sametime you will also have developed a habit of being positive.

The sooner you stop dwelling in negatives and PIVET/REFOCUS to positive...the sooner you'll get back on track
of being positive...

The longer you dwell in negative...the more negative cells your body is going reproduce/clone negative cells...
Therefore lower you back to 30%.

There are always going to be 2 end of the stick everyday...Positive or negative.
You simply much choose between the 2.
Don't beat up on yourself or blame yourself for having negative thoughts or feels.
Use it as a guide or warning bell to PIVET or REFOCUS.

I also do a simple reshift or refocus exercise everyday.
I focus at any object for 5 sec. and focus on another...then another. From near to afar.
What this dose is help me to reshift or refocus...so that i dont get tunnel vision.

Dwelling in negative is simply that...I get tunnel vision.
I catch myself doing this....then I simply reshift and refocus on positive thoughts and feelings.

So when you started this thread....where you cuaght in tunnel vision and reacting to that?lol
Give yourself a break. Forgive yourself, pick yourself back up...laugh at yourself, do positive self talk..ect
Whatever works to getting yourself on the positive track again.

I also do an over all house cleaning process...
Let go of my hurt, pains, resentment, fears, envy, hatred..ect ILL feelings i have towards myself or others.
The simple trurth...is no matter how pissed off i feel at anyone....I'm the only person that's feeling my anger or pains.
My thoughts and feelings come from inside of me.....SIMPLE FACT.
It's just emptying out garage or trash in my thoughts or feelings.....TRASH IN....TRASH OUT.
Spring cleaning sort of speak....
What this dose is elimanate disharmony with myself. If Im in disharmony of myself...I'm off balance.

I also meditate....what this dose is.
STOPS ME THINKING ALL TOGETHER.lmao
Sometimes...I just think too god **** much.
My brain generates mother fucken problems period.
I need a break from all the bullshit.lmao
Then Im like. seeing from my third fucken eyes.hahaaaaa
The so call higher awearness, Higher consiousness...unlimited posiblities.
Not from my little ego/lower consiousness mind that wants to kill me.

The EGO wants to kill you and thinks it can still live....you know this...right????
Is this what your having conflict with?

K...you have been thinking positive.
Are you FEELING positve?
What are your moods? How you do FEEL?

Maybe trying doing this simple exercise...
Ask yourself a question.
This is how I think about this matter.
Then ask yourself...This is how I feel about this same matter.

Slow down and observe...Observe your feelings when you ask yourself about how you feel.

You can also do the what if thinking....
What if pigs can fly.
What if the sky is purple.
What if I get licked everyday.
What if 10 chicks wanna blow me.
What if I find 10K
What if a chick wants me to bang her and masturing about me.
What if everything is ok.
Whay if LC is just a fucken loon.lmao

Unlimited thinking and unlimited posiblities thinking.

 

[Varifold]

However, I do understand what you are saying. Don't think about it, and it won't bother you. It will only get in the way when you are around other people. So as long as I avoid other people. I should be okay right?

Mh. I am not sure if that's what I was trying to communicate. Well, of course, if you don't think about it, it shouldn't bother you. That thought of you being garbage is apparently triggered by social situations? Do you have social anxiety?

What I was trying to say is that your brain changes itself and the strength of a certain thought, if you think about it, in one way or another. So, what you actually want to achieve is that the thought patterns which you reinforced over time weaken until they no longer bother you. And that can be achieved by not thinking about it without any reference to the thought itself. Since this is not possible, you must distract your mind, and focus on entirely unrelated things. It will take a while. But it should work.

everytime i look at my avitar.....
i see an image of me being lickable.
i see evidence of that. it reinforce my lickableness.
i get a lickable sensation. i walk around all day
feeling lickable....everything wants to lick me...
even the mother fucken dog.lmao

What mechanism underlies this? I get what you are saying, but I doubt that your thoughts become reality without any actual action towards it on your part.

Assume you find yourself disgusting. Now what you are saying is that other people will find you disgusting, too, and hence shun you. But this is clearly nonsense, because they can't read your mind. They just see what you look like. If you are good-looking, chicks will want you, virtually no matter what you think about yourself. I know plenty of hot guys with low self-esteem, who think they are garbage in one way or another, and feel depressed more often than not, with girlfriends and other chicks who'd love to have them. On the other hand, I see plenty of average or ugly guys with great self-confidence and success in life who have to live a lonely life because no girl wants to be seen with them, not to mention date them, simply because they aren't good-looking.

So, my question is, what should come in place of the question mark in this chain of events,

"Find yourself disgusting" -> ? -> "People find you disgusting".

or,

"Find yourself lickable" -> ? -> "People find you lickable".

 

[VanillaCreme]

Thinking that you're garbage isn't anything genetic.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

i coud had easily wrote loveable....

its simple positive reinforcement..
One can also chose negative reinforcements.

Its FREEWiLL or the power of choice.

Will, in my experince and the countless pics of hot babes with big boobs I've post that Ive been with.
Which some people approve of and others don't. I do it to prove certain pionts to people..
such as the very same question you're asking.
Evidently I'm lickable and still lickable. Every woman Ive been with say I'm handsome, cute or good looking.
Ive been asked out by plenty of women. And yes, sometimes I can be very miserable and babes will still wanna take me home.
There's also other factors...such as being positive, attitude, badboy image, confidence, easy going and of course I'm a lead guitar player.lol
Most important. I make hot drop dead gorgeous babies.

On the flip side of the coin....as I say there's 2 ends of the stick.
I've been rejected by plenty of women too.
There's plenty of women that wont have anything to do with me. My looks, traits and the entire package.

Since you're new here....you might not know.
Im asian (thai). And all I've dated are cucasian women...More especific. Blondes with Irish backgrounds.
More especific most have Hugh BOOBS...
Other factors that gose against the grain is that a lot of my EXs Lives in TX.hahaa
I also grew up in the last 70s and 80s. After the Vitnham war...
Lots of discrimation and inter racial couples wernt really that acceptiable.
Lots of bullying and hatred....ect
The so call paradox of life.....

K....so what is it in me that makes these women go out of their way to asked me out or are attracted to me?
Knowing there would sometype of repercussions from thier family, friends and society at large.
Some of my ex's family members are white surpremisy or straight up biggots. Which still effects me and the ones I love.
I've always had GF from a young age...even in kiddie garden girls would wanna stump on my hotwheels then hold my hands.

Is it their inner knowningness of tying to find the meaning of true love...that human are inheriate good and not evil?
Is it rebellion against thier parents and society at large?
Is it becuase I'm forbidden love as Eve (woman) takes the forbidden fruit?

IM LOVEABLE AND LICKABLE...sweet as candy
The women I like are loveable, lickable and sweet as candi too.

Find myself lickable <<<<<< Lickable poeple find me.

It takes a ***** like her to love a basturd like me.

Maybe the yin and yan symbal might help you.
To me it also represent balance and the union of a man and woman...
She's the opposite of him...yet she's identical to him.
His has flaws as she has flaws. ( the little circles).

K...as life gose on. We are constantly changing or evolving.
Sometimes we progress. Other times we degress.
As couples....Some couple grows together. Other grows apart.
A partner might stay the same and the other progress or degress. Hence spliting like oil and water.
As we continue in life...we find people on our same wave length,awearness,chemistry to relate with. Hence relation ship.

 

[whispers]

Today you are you, with your faults and your qualities, with the baggage that has been handed to you from your own past and past generations.

Today you do not worry about who you are or what you have accomplished or not.

Today you chose to let go of the baggage, and make a step to make yourself happy,even if its a very small step. Its all that matters, today.

 

[theSmokingRabbit]

Genetically inferior? No.

Chemically imbalanced? Maybe.

And if that's the case all the happy thoughts in the world won't help you.

But no one here can tell you for certain.

I suggest making an appointment with a therapist and exhausting all available resources before 'giving up'.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Lonesome Crow: Check back tomorrow... you write in a way that is impossible to understand while not sober.

@VanillaCreme: No the fact that I am garbage is genetic

@whispers: Regardless of baggage and the past.. I am always garbage... pretending that is not the fact is just a lie for the future right?

@theSmokingRabbit: Is there really a distinction between being chemically imbalanced and garbage?

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Lonesome Crow: See I told you I would get back to you. My mind has not been at 100% these past couple of days.

Anyway, I get what you are saying. However, let me throw a fact out there. During the brief stint when I was motivated and positive. It was all motivated out of revenge. A generally negative thing. My hatred for someone made me want to change for the better. Thoughts?

 

[VanillaCreme]

@VanillaCreme: No the fact that I am garbage is genetic

No. Something like the fact that I'm Puerto Rican is genetic. Like I said, you think you're garbage. You can't technically be produced from a bag of trash. You just have an extremely negative attitude. And even that's not genetic. You can't possibly blame your whole line of ancestors for how you think now.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

No. Something like the fact that I'm Puerto Rican is genetic. Like I said, you think you're garbage. You can't technically be produced from a bag of trash. You just have an extremely negative attitude. And even that's not genetic. You can't possibly blame your whole line of ancestors for how you think now.

Well it is not my ancestors fault. No, it is my parents fault. I just happen to have received genes that were garbage.