why do some people CHOOSE to be single?

[freedom]

why do some people CHOOSE to be single? i'm particularly interested in what women have to say about this, but men, feel free to answer as much as you can and want.

suppose you meet the guy/girl of your dreams. he/she shows up in your life at the right place and at the right time. you two start to talk and hang out and get to know one another and things go great. there is an instant connection between you two, you make eachother feel good, and everything great falls into place.

so then you ask him/her out on a date multiple times (different occasions on different days), and he/she agrees, but in the end he/she cancels on you every time. you know for a fact that he/she is single and interested in dating you, but for some reason, he/she doesn't want to date you.

what are all the possible reasons to this scenario? any reply with comments or advice is greatly appreciated in advance. thank you

 

[shells]

I was like this with my first boyfriend. Long story short, my mom was very sick and I had other things that I had to deal with. I felt that I couldn't be a good girl friend if I couldn't do all of the things that normal teenagers my age did. Felt like I had a ton of baggage that no one in their right mind would want to deal with.

Someone very close to me ended up telling me that I didn't deserve him because I canceled dates often -- even though most times it was out of my hands. That confirmed all of my prior fears about being in a relationship. I believed that person, and broke up with him the same day. He chalked it up to me cheating on him because he didn't believe me. I refused to date anyone for almost two years after that, then I met my current boyfriend.

I tried to avoid getting close to him at first, but after our first official "date", we decided to be together. He helped me through a difficult time, and stood by my side even though I tried to break it off with him. Was he disappointed? Yeah, but he never stopped being a friend the few months we weren't "officially" together. Nor was he nasty about it or try to point fingers - he trusted me and understood. He reassured me that he'd always be there, and we're still together three years later.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Personally, I just don't feel like being bothered. Sometimes people just don't want to deal with a relationship. It may be more in depth, like what Shells is saying. But I know - at this moment of my life - I don't want to be bothered by it. Just seems like too much trouble.

 

[tehdreamer]

I'd say, with that scenario, it's probably insecurity. The person probably wants to date but feels there's something in their life that will keep things from working out, so they don't want things to end up sadness. I'd trying bringing it up and asking "Hey, why all the cancellations?" because it might be something that can be talked through.

 

[Nina]

Freedom--
Women who've been through any sort of molestation or rape can shy away from the intimacy of dating. Talking and even flirting seems safe, but to actually go out and be alone can be very frightening. You'd be surprised at the number of women and men, in many instances, who endure these traumas and never recieve any counselling afterwards.

 

[lomojojo]

There could be many reasons. Could it be that the connection is only felt one way? and the other person is being misunderstood because she/he is a very nice person who doesn't like to hurt feelings and doesn't know how to say no. It's just a thought. Or could it be perhaps that she/he just got out of a bad relationship and is not sure whether to go ahead or not.

 

[downbythebay]

I think your topic's title and your description's question are two different things. If you are asking in general, you will get a different answer than if you are asking about the specific situation you've brought up.
In my opinion, in general: people may perceive a relationship as a limitation on their freedom and personal space, some people don't like monogamy, some really do derive more enjoyment from dancing/ sleeping around with many people (I don't know why), then there are people like myself who may have other things going on in their life (health, personal problems, financial issues, or otherwise) and would think the other person wouldn't deserve the crap that would come with that, someone may feel he isn't good enough for the other person and is struggling with self esteem, perhaps one person doesn't feel the connection he's looking for thinks the other person is desperate, or he could just feel it would eventually fail so why bother. There's plenty more, and many of them are completely rational.
When talking about the situation you've presented: I don't think the person canceling is interested in dating- if there were, they would do it. That person has hesitations that you don't and the only way to figure out what they are is to ask flat out. None of us are going to have the right answer- you can reap 1,000 opinions on why this situation is the way it is.... some will be what you want to hear, some won't... and no one really knows the specific answer. I think you must have this situation happening to you or someone you know - if it is you, ask the person, or your mind won't rest.

 

[freedom]

Nina- you brought up a very good point. i never thought about that... thank you so much for your reply

downbythebay- you're about 90% right with what you said at the end. i was going through this, and even though i did ask her about it, she never gave me the kind of answer that i was hoping for. it was always "i have to work that weekend" or "...call me later. i'm kind of busy right now". unfortunately, she's far away from me and out of my reach now, so my mind may never rest. thank you so much for your words.

everyone else who replied- thank you so, so much for replying. you all brought up good points and have helped me to see this from all angles. thank you so much

 

[downbythebay]

freedom, I'm sorry she's been so cryptic. You did the right thing by asking. Not that this is my business, but the "call me later. i'm kind of busy right now." (if this was a recurring theme) sounds to me this may be somebody not worthy of the amount of time and attention you seem to be willing to give. It's an unfortunate situation. You seem so grateful even for our responses here and a sensible guy in general, so here's a *hug* hoping you don't get down on yourself about this. Remember, there are many reasons besides something being wrong with you that she could be against a relationship.

 

[eris]

why do some people CHOOSE to be single? i'm particularly interested in what women have to say about this, but men, feel free to answer as much as you can and want.

suppose you meet the guy/girl of your dreams. he/she shows up in your life at the right place and at the right time. you two start to talk and hang out and get to know one another and things go great. there is an instant connection between you two, you make eachother feel good, and everything great falls into place.

so then you ask him/her out on a date multiple times (different occasions on different days), and he/she agrees, but in the end he/she cancels on you every time. you know for a fact that he/she is single and interested in dating you, but for some reason, he/she doesn't want to date you.

what are all the possible reasons to this scenario? any reply with comments or advice is greatly appreciated in advance. thank you

I am a girl I did not want to date anyone for several years in my mid twenties. And, I didnt date anyone. I had NSA sex sometimes but I really would not be romantic with anyone at all. It was because I did not want to get hurt. i was just absolutly sick of falling in love.

And, well, then someone fell in love with me and things changed

But this girl...maybe she just has personal issues and it is not you at all. You may actually be like really great in her eyes but she just doesnt want to be with ANYONE.

 

[downbythebay]

I've done this before to girls, usually because another girl pops up or I'm too broke to go out.

Oh, you're cool...

 

[SofiasMami]

Some reasons why I've chosen to be single:
-Being a single parent with a small baby doesn't make it easy to date.
-I like having the closet and bathroom all to myself.
-I like not having to answer to anyone. If I want to have Corn Flakes for dinner, I can. (Although I don't. But it's nice to have that option )

I do have my profile on a few dating web sites now but haven't met anyone special. And this is a little off topic, but the OP reinforces my belief that guys like women who are a little "hard to get". Although, on her end, if she keeps cancelling on EVERY date, I think she's probably truly not interested.

Teresa

 

[Olde shoe]

suppose you meet the guy/girl of your dreams. he/she shows up in your life at the right place and at the right time. you two start to talk and hang out and get to know one another and things go great. there is an instant connection between you two, you make each other feel good, and everything great falls into place.

None of the above mentioned ever happened to me. Who likes Olde Shoes anyway? Back to the rubbish can for me.

 

[TheWickedOne]

Because men are just one more thing to clean up after.

 

[lomojojo]

it still sounds jerkish. What about the people you are cancelling on. Don't they have feelings? Just saying.

 

[Calm]

Because men are just one more thing to clean up after.

You are saying like it is nothing to clean up after a woman... Some of them can be really bitches and require too much attention, especially the younger ones.
And when relationship is over, they don't leave you alone.


Alonewanderer, sexuality is always that kind of play. Remember in middle school girls tried to hide their underpants so badly, and guys wanted to see girls underpants so badly. It has always been that chase.

 

[downbythebay]

juss bein honest

You're not just bein honest, you're trying to get our attention- guess you succeeded

when the girl who usually blows me off suddenly acts interested, I drop all my plans resulting in cancelations

Because this is right to the other girl. Classy.

The no cash part comes into play when I go on a raging alcoholic bender and wake up not realizing how much I spent until I look in my wallet.

You need more help than we can give you.

---

it is jerkish...but I kinda am in love with that girl who treats me like honeysuckle and sleeps around on me....she also chases off other girls and when I'm alone she disappears


edit: met her last year at around this time

So you like someone who makes you feel like top honeysuckle because she's willing to chase these girls off.... because there's so many wooing over you lol. And then you like when you fresia over other girls because it makes you feel superior.

When will women learn they can do better than this honeysuckle? Seriously, I have no remorse for people who put up with this.

---

Alonewanderer, sexuality is always that kind of play. Remember in middle school girls tried to hide their underpants so badly, and guys wanted to see girls underpants so badly. It has always been that chase.

Lol, that's right it's all about chasin the pussy! Yall are real men. Nice & classy

 

[downbythebay]

"How is meeting someone and canceling some obscure plan supposed to make a person feel superior?"
When most people make plans like that, they are not "obscure". You derive superiority by controlling the situation, canceling the plans and convincing yourself this person is a "psycho in a nutshell". You obviously don't take commitments, albeit a small one like a date, seriously. What's a small deal to you can be a big deal to a lot of other people.

"I guess different environments dictate different behaviors"
You can believe that if you want, doesn't make a valid excuse for your behavior- you are in charge of that no matter where you happen to live.

"The next time you want to put me down at least realize there's always alot more to the story and if I type a vague sentence or two, there is alot left out. "
You did a pretty good job painting yourself as selfish and an all-around dick to women, in my opinion. You said yourself that your behavior is "jerkish". Just because someone has treated you like honeysuckle in the past does not give you free reign to treat girl after girl like honeysuckle.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

I find people who choose to be single have no problem finding someone to be with. I know a female at my work who just went on 1 or 2 dates with a bunch of guys for a year. Why, Because she had no problem meeting men or dating.

I look at it like this. I used to dedicate all my time to finding anime and playing video games. Mainly because, back in the day, I did not have any. Now I am running out of space for anime and video games. So I tend to not get as hot and bothered about having the latest and greatest.

Then there are the people who have the problem of always being in a relationship. Here is a hilarious example, there was an episode of South Park where they featured Satan's relationships. In the end he talked to God and God pointed out that Satan was always in a relationship no matter what. He would jump from one to the other with no thought. He never had any time on his own to grow as an individual.

I hope this makes some sense.

 

[freedom]

AFrozenSoul-

yes, you made sense

you also brought up another good point. i've been single for most of my life, having been in only two serious relationships. i only kept in mind that i could develop myself while in a relatinoship, but paid no attention to how much i've been developing all this time that i've been single. it's amazing what things can pass you by if you're not paying any attention. thanks for pointing that out for me