Why is it so hard to impress girls?

[deathproxy666]

Shy is ok - many find it adorable.
However, one can be shy and still confident in themselves.
My first real crush at 20 was this shy, confident, smart young man.
He was a virgin and was quite popular since he was nice to be around.

It is not fun to be around a person with zero confidence.
You don't need to act like a club *********...it's not about ACTING...it's about BEING.
You need to learn to like yourself.

I'll give you a real-life example of a family friend:
This middle-aged woman is attractive, shy and kind...but has zero confidence and so much self-hatred. It is so horribly obvious...she walks around with so much sadness on her face and with her head down. Her voice is slow, broken and sounds like she's just waiting to die.
Being around her just sucks the energy out of you because of her constant negative remarks and need for reassurance every minute.
However - no matter how much you reassure her - it's not enough! She'll comment with one miserable remark and an even more miserable one after. The fact that she has so much self-hatred; she's super-sensitive and interprets everything anyone thinks, says, or does is a wrong against her. When one of my family members and friend helped clean her bathroom and bought her a new weight scale as a gift; she interpreted as an attack against her and responded with screaming as she felt it was a slam on her cleanliness and that everyone was looking down at her weight and financial situation. In the end, she cut off my family member's friendship and called her an enemy.
She spends day and night crying over why she has no friends and why no man likes her.

I don't know how you act but sometimes, we are not as self-aware as we think. People that typically hate themselves to the extreme and have zero confidence usually show it in the way that they behave and it makes others uncomfortable. People with zero confidence also tend to have no self-respect and be excessively worrisome and clingy. I used to have zero confidence and with being shy - it's no surprise people didn't feel comfortable with me as I wasn't comfortable myself. I'm starting to see results now after working on my confidence.

There's no formula to finding a partner as every man and woman is different - but you can work on yourself. Maybe you're pissed off as you read this...you were hoping for some magic formula to impress a woman and have her fall in love with you and have sex. There is NONE...you can't make everyone love you just as you can't make yourself love everyone. The only thing you can do is to work on yourself first - and find as many opportunities as possible to meet new people.
If there's a connection - you'll know it at that point.

Note: Just reading your replies to the thread...you seem very mad. I understand you are upset with your situation but what the others have posted are just their insight on the matter. There's no need to be mad over people trying to help you. Again, there's no instant solution when it comes to relationships with others. If you're looking for a solution without having to put any effort - it's not happening. No need to be mad and try to have a more positive perspective or see it as an opportunity to work on yourself. Being 20 and not having been in a relationship is not the end of the universe nor does it mean that you are going to be that way forever.

what you said about your family friend is me in a nut shell. i have been at the lowest point for some time but what you said over all has touched me. thank you, i think it has helped me understand and now i know what i need to do and work on.

 

[hellomiko]

Because every girl has different taste, you can't please every girl you're interested in. Yes confidence does attract girls and to get that is to stop trying to impress girls, just be yourself, work on yourself and the rest will come Shy guys are really cute too But many shy guys don't get the girl because they appear uninterested and girls don't normally make the first moves.

 

[jjam]

"The force" is strong...














with rapists

 

[jean-vic]

Another pitfall. When you play it cool, be yourself, seem confident. The girl obviously gets on with you and you have a laugh. You're not clingy or needy, and there is good feeling all around. The dilemma for some is.... how do you spot if she's interested? Haha, ask her out too soon and you've blown it. Don't ask her out in time, you've missed your chance.

Basically, it's a minefield full of, not only mines, but other obstacles and pitfalls. This love game is more frustrating than.... well, Frustration.

Just got to roll with it and try not to let it get you down. Plenty of time yet, and every experience is another upwards trend in the learning curve.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Love is not a game. Those who see it as a game, will only be played.

 

[jean-vic]

Love is not a game. Those who see it as a game, will only be played.

To end a sentence with "game" is a Britishism. Not to be taken literally, don't worry.

 

[sadface]

I'll give you some advice:

Let them do the talking, and ask a lot of questions. People instantly gravitate to people who make them feel good. Talking and discussing your own life usually provides a sense of catharsis, which feels good...

This is my philosophy, and its worked for me, mostly.

 

[Badjedidude]

Love is not a game. Those who see it as a game, will only be played.

LOVE IS A GAME, AND I AM WINNING!!!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Here a simple concept for good self esteem and having confidence.

YOU ARE COMPLETE. WHOLE AND PERFECT ALREADY.

We live in accordance to ur beliefs...
If from childhood other people programm you to believe your less than.. .then you get whatever results
ur beliefs is..
That beliefs is deeply ingrain inside of you...you would flat out
think its insane to believe anything else
than you old beliefs.
Youre delusional to your old unworkable ideas and limited beleifs. You became a prisoner of your own limited beliefs and ideas.

 

[beans]

Thanks for the replies everyone. The insight from different people really helps and a lot of it echoes what I've been thinking myself And yeah I was pretty mad when I posted this thread, but I'm not that mad anymore anymore.

What still gets me though is how I somehow always get "blamed" (even on here) for thinking the way I do. The only thing I know for sure is that people have girlfriends and I'd like one too but I'm scared. And if I try to express that sentiment or figure out why, I just end up getting a lot of replies like "What do you want a girlfriend for???" or "You're trying too hard!. That's pathetic." or "Well obviously nobody will like you if you don't like yourself." (This one's the worse. Telling me it's my fault for not "liking myself".) It's as if I'm being blamed for doing this whole thing to myself. Lately it feels like that's what my therapist has been doing too. I'd just like to say that I may be useless as a social person and maybe I scare people off or have an aura that "sucks the life out of people around me", I don't really know. But what I DO KNOW is that I DID NOT make myself like this on purpose. Oh this is sort of unrelated, but anyone who thinks I'm just talking about trying to get into some girl's pants or get a girlfriend to show off can fresia off, because you obviously don't understand how painful this kind of loneliness can be. In some ways it's not really a matter of specifically wanting someone at the moment, but more just the dreadful feeling that deep down I KNOW that at any point in the future when I may like a girl, I know for sure that she'll hate me because of what I'm like. It is LITERALLY like being cursed. To know that you'll never get validation from any member of the opposite sex. I don't know, I'd think some people might understand that.

why are people blaming you for the 'aura' or for not feeling good about yourself? Well I'll tell you why from a very frank point of view. Truth is, people in general are not nice and giving. Because let's face it, you're not a criminal. You don't do bad stuff or harm others. You just happen to be lost, and you don't feel great about yourself. Is that a big crime? No. But because the real world is kinda mean, people have been telling each other that "people with low self esteem are trouble, stay away from them."

I mean come on, even on this forum for lonely people, the minute you post something about your situation, they'll start blaming the creator for the honeysuckle he is in - coz you're too weak, too quiet, too boring, too weird, too fat, too ugly, you don't have enough confidence, etc etc.

When really, if everyone would just give all these people a break and help them, maybe we all won't be on here? But nope...everyone is spreading the whole "If I don't have confidence, I'm messed" movement, so that's why we're here and some are seeing therapists. I am nothing against having confidence, I confidence is vital for success in life, but it isn't everything in a social environment. If someone doesn't have much confidence, I'd still be their friend or give them my time but nope....doesn't work that way in society.

 

[IgnoredOne]

I mean come on, even on this forum for lonely people, the minute you post something about your situation, they'll start blaming the creator for the honeysuckle he is in - coz you're too weak, too quiet, too boring, too weird, too fat, too ugly, you don't have enough confidence, etc etc.

When really, if everyone would just give all these people a break and help them, maybe we all won't be on here?

Actually, we give suggestions(and I gave him some coaching directly in PM) because it is the most direct way to help him. Its what you /can/ control - yourself.

Is the world a shithole? No doubt.

Can I change the world right away? No.

But if I was him, can I change myself much faster? Hell yeah.

Its not about blame, its about what works.

But nope...everyone is spreading the whole "If I don't have confidence, I'm messed" movement, so that's why we're here and some are seeing therapists. I am nothing against having confidence, I confidence is vital for success in life, but it isn't everything in a social environment. If someone doesn't have much confidence, I'd still be their friend or give them my time but nope....doesn't work that way in society.

The truth is that it can make other person very uncomfortable; the key to effective rapport is really to make the other person feel comfortalbe in many ways. I can clearly remember a fairly attractive girl that I was talking to in college and I wanted to know better, but each time she shrank away, seemed scared and got all quiet.

So, do I know if I scared the hell out of her or if she just lacked confidence? If I scared her, do I want to keep scaring the poor girl? Maybe she just doesn't like me! Maybe I'm harassing her without knowing!

So after two or three times of those uncomfortable encounters, I stopped trying to talk to her. Lack of confidence can result in very poor communication, which results in the other person essentially, being repelled - for the sake of niceness!

 

[Lonesome Crow]

No one lacks conifidence.


Its just positive self talk or postive
internal dialog.
A change of perception/attitude..
Changing the thinking process or habits.


Its really simple but people wanna complicate it. ANalize the living out of it.
KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID.

Self esteem = self worth...
Its self worht ...not other peoples worth.
Still comes back to positive self talk
or perceptions.


Simple logic would tell me to be
good to myself. Self confidence
is simple self acceptence.
Im ok with...

Its the same as motivations.

No one lakcs motivations.
More motivated to sit on ur ass
or more motivated to get off of ur ass.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Its still simple exposure and adjust as you go.

The more you interact with women.
the more your mind and body adjust.
You learn what works and what dosnt...
Adjust or make corrections as you go
Its call learning how to Live in error.

Its the same primciple in playing music.
I played honeysuckle loads of crappy ass notes...
To advance at a faster pace.I
recorded myself...Listen on playback then make corrections...rahter then criticize myself..
WE all do this already in other area of our lives..

 

[rosebud]

As Lonesome Crow said all you need is dedication. If you want something you work on it. And believe me certain women are easily impressed, you'll have a harder time taking your dog on a walk. As far I can see the problem is dealing with a possible rejection. It isn't that bad. It's like failing on a test at school. The fear of it is scarier than the actual consequences.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I do exactly the samething in RC modleling. Each aircraft have its own
charectoristic..

Anyway...He models are always in error during flight. Im constantly making small adjsutments to maintain level flight.

To advance into aerobatic mauvers..
I learn one manuver at a time.
Then incorpperate each manuver into
strings of manuvers. Overtime. With
lots of flight hours . Exposure...
It becomes graceful or I dont have to
think when performing an aerobatic manuver..
Yes..when I fly . It looks impressive to some people.

 

[Badjedidude]

charectoristic