y dont u like being single?

[nerdygirl]

The loneliness is probably different between a person who has been in a relationship and a person who never has. I will not say either one is worse. I also wouldn't say that a person who was born without an arm suffers more than the person whose arm was amputated. Each person suffers for his or her own reasons, and neither will ever feel how the other one feels.

I have to say, TheSolitaryMan, that you seem more afraid that nobody will ever want you than you are of being alone. If you are the same person offline that you are online, I think it is mostly a matter of time and self-confidence.

Valince, hugging my mother for over five seconds would cause me a great amount of stress. We get along reasonably well, but I do not associate her with comfort or consolation. If hugging yours all day wouldn't help you to feel better, it isn't because you are not romantically linked, but because that isn't a dynamic of your relationship.

I suppose that the reactions I'm reading to my post make it clearer to me that I'm doing the right things and making the right choices when I make friends. I have extremely few friends, but each of them are people who would hold me if I needed to be held and for whom I would do the same.

Being "in love" is a natural high that eventually stops. You produce extra neurotransmitters that make you feel all kinds of happy, cuddly, and sexual. Just like with any drug, your brain gets used to that and those emotions fade. I mean, Love is Love, and that doesn't go anywhere, but all of that giddy stuff fades away. Sometimes, people realize they never actually loved each other at all.

I'm bringing this up because I think a lot of people think that you're supposed to feel like that the whole time. Yes. You will love this person in a way that you don't love your friends... but when that high wears off, it's not quite as distinct as it used to be. And you realize that while the way you feel about that person is unique... you can, indeed, find a similar comfort in hugging friends or relatives. Exactly the same? Of course not. Nothing can replace Nana's cookies, either... but Aunt Linda makes good ones, too.

It is completely reasonable to want (but not need) somebody in your life. A relationship, when it's good, can be fun. It can be a source of comfort and happiness for many people. The desire for a relationship becomes unreasonable when you believe a it will be the key to ending your loneliness. I've seen many posts here urging people to be in relationships that probably aren't good for them because zomg, it would suck to be alone.

And Anten, you are very obviously one of those people who can only answer this thread by saying, "'Cause I get horny."

 

[Chasm]

I guess the OP meant marriage so i will comment on that.

I just want someone i can cuddle up to and know that she likes me and we share a few of the same interests. I am not looking for a deeply committed relationship with the thought of marriage.

i meant any form of single>>
no relationship/marriage
but bravo 2 u!

---

Based on my observation, this is what's going on with most of the people who really hate being single. I'm going to skip the sex part, since that's obvious.

They don't like being single because they think that having a significant other is going to somehow magically change everything. They find it shocking when they discover that somebody can be in a relationship and still feel lonely.

People get this idea that it's "abnormal" to be single. If you read through posts on this site, tons of people ask if something is wrong with them. The thing about this is... there are 99.6 million unmarried people over age 18 in the U.S. Only half of the people who get married even reach their 15th anniversary.

Of course, you'll have people read this and say, "But at least they got married! I can't even get a boyfriend/girlfriend!" They would rather be in a relationship destined for failure than to be alone.

Sure, part of this is about humans being herd animals. We're engineered in a way that makes us generally want/need others. Humans tend to thrive better when we have contact with others.

A lot of it, though, is just a deficiency in self-image. People want to be wanted, needed, loved, even if they do not love (or even like) themselves. When we're in relationships, we are distracted from the things we don't like about ourselves. We get to be too busy to hear our own thoughts. On top of that, we've got somebody to tell us that our flaws are "okay" (and some of them really are). We've also got somebody with his/ her own flaws for us to focus on.

A lot of people will say they just want somebody to talk to and hold... but that's what friends are for. They'll say, "but it's different!" But really, that difference is more about sex than anything else.

I have closer relationships with friends than I had with X. A lot of people will say, "But that means you just had a bad relationship." Duh. As painfully obvious as that is, most of these people will knowingly throw themselves into similarly bad relationships just to avoid being alone! Which goes right back to the silly notion people get that being in a romantic relationship will magically solve everything.

One great way to make it easier to be alone is to turn yourself into somebody you like.

this is XACTLY wut i was lookng 4
ty!!
seriously well xplaind
n every word of it>>
very tru!

---

The loneliness is probably different between a person who has been in a relationship and a person who never has. I will not say either one is worse. I also wouldn't say that a person who was born without an arm suffers more than the person whose arm was amputated. Each person suffers for his or her own reasons, and neither will ever feel how the other one feels.

I have to say, TheSolitaryMan, that you seem more afraid that nobody will ever want you than you are of being alone. If you are the same person offline that you are online, I think it is mostly a matter of time and self-confidence.

Valince, hugging my mother for over five seconds would cause me a great amount of stress. We get along reasonably well, but I do not associate her with comfort or consolation. If hugging yours all day wouldn't help you to feel better, it isn't because you are not romantically linked, but because that isn't a dynamic of your relationship.

I suppose that the reactions I'm reading to my post make it clearer to me that I'm doing the right things and making the right choices when I make friends. I have extremely few friends, but each of them are people who would hold me if I needed to be held and for whom I would do the same.

Being "in love" is a natural high that eventually stops. You produce extra neurotransmitters that make you feel all kinds of happy, cuddly, and sexual. Just like with any drug, your brain gets used to that and those emotions fade. I mean, Love is Love, and that doesn't go anywhere, but all of that giddy stuff fades away. Sometimes, people realize they never actually loved each other at all.

I'm bringing this up because I think a lot of people think that you're supposed to feel like that the whole time. Yes. You will love this person in a way that you don't love your friends... but when that high wears off, it's not quite as distinct as it used to be. And you realize that while the way you feel about that person is unique... you can, indeed, find a similar comfort in hugging friends or relatives. Exactly the same? Of course not. Nothing can replace Nana's cookies, either... but Aunt Linda makes good ones, too.

It is completely reasonable to want (but not need) somebody in your life. A relationship, when it's good, can be fun. It can be a source of comfort and happiness for many people. The desire for a relationship becomes unreasonable when you believe a it will be the key to ending your loneliness. I've seen many posts here urging people to be in relationships that probably aren't good for them because zomg, it would suck to be alone.

And Anten, you are very obviously one of those people who can only answer this thread by saying, "'Cause I get horny."

like i said in my original post?
i already undrstood that reason
the rest a person gets in a romantic relationship?
they can get from a friend
sumthng needy about it all 2 me
i think ppl have just been spoon fed the idea they HAVE 2b attachd 2 sum1
n if theyre nt?
theyre "abnormal"
hogwash

---

n evn the need 4 sex is deb8able
u dnt have 2b in a relationship 2 have sex
but i understnd sum ppl have moral issues w/that
which is y i initially xcluded it

 

[Anten]

I don't think you need to be in a relationship but why not be. You have friends that share the same hobby as you and i don't see people saying well you don't need those friend to have fun. Friends serve different purposes to me. So what you want a friend to have kids with and start a future or you want to have a friend to have sex with and tell you, you are the best. Some people have friends that follow them around to make them feel important. If you don't want to have a friend like that then don't.

So yes I have friends that i game with and and a friend I talk to about my problems but i want a friend that i can hug and kiss and have sex with. Am I wrong for having any of those types of friends? I am not friends with the first two just because of the things I said about them so why is it that i only want to have a girlfriend "only" for sex. That is one of the reasons I gave her the girlfriend tittle but if i just wanted sex i could go about it a lot easier like a prostitute.

 

[gnome3]

I absolutely adore having someone to wake-up with.

Half-being awake and snuggling up to them, and then he doesn't even open his eyes and puts his arms around me... as if he doesn't even need to be concious to cuddle me.

IDK. Cuddles are win.

Ah, yes. I remember this. It can be nice.

 

[blackdot]

I'd love to find out what it feels like to snuggle with someone... or cuddle with someone... or heck, just kiss someone.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

I have to say, TheSolitaryMan, that you seem more afraid that nobody will ever want you than you are of being alone. If you are the same person offline that you are online, I think it is mostly a matter of time and self-confidence.

...

Being "in love" is a natural high that eventually stops. You produce extra neurotransmitters that make you feel all kinds of happy, cuddly, and sexual. Just like with any drug, your brain gets used to that and those emotions fade. I mean, Love is Love, and that doesn't go anywhere, but all of that giddy stuff fades away. Sometimes, people realize they never actually loved each other at all.

...

It is completely reasonable to want (but not need) somebody in your life. A relationship, when it's good, can be fun. It can be a source of comfort and happiness for many people. The desire for a relationship becomes unreasonable when you believe a it will be the key to ending your loneliness. I've seen many posts here urging people to be in relationships that probably aren't good for them because zomg, it would suck to be alone.

Point "1".

That was a sweet thing to say NG, thank you

Heh, this is the unfortunate thing though...no one wants me! It's not so much a fear as a fact

At least in my present environment, the girls don't want a "gentleman" or any of that stuff, they just seem to want someone who will provide a no-strings-attached fling. It's so rare to find a girl that wants what I want, I'd venture to say it's been 2 years since I've seen a girl interested in a deeper relationship.

Or maybe girls do want me, but I just don't understand how to respond? Which is worse, really. I'm losing track of the number of girls that seem to show interest then fall away when I don't even know what I want or what to do in response.

There's a certain detached feeling of inevitability that brings a unique pain in such a situation. I may be just coming up to 21, but I'm fairly sure no one will want what I have to offer until I'm about 30, possibly older than that. I've seen this cycle of flirt --> disappear so many times I can predict it before it happens. It's like watching re-runs of my own life sometimes.

Building self confidence is not at all easy when you never get the attention needed to actually give you any! I can do a good facade of it, but the substance is just a void.

So that leaves time! And quite a bit of it

Point "2".

Love might be a natural high that fades, but that doesn't change the fact that I wish I could actually feel it! As blackdot said, I'd just like to experience what that is like to have someone that just wants to talk, snuggle up, kiss. A family cannot provide that in the same way, full stop.

If it does indeed fade that's a shame, but it's not much consolation when you've never tasted it in the first place.

I'd go as far as to say I've had the horrible elements of a relationship in my life without the relationship! Now I'd like to see what the positive things are actually like.

Point "3".

I'd sort of agree. You're definitely right that just leaping into a relationship as a problem-solver is silly. But on the other hand, if it's that missing part of your life that is making you unhappy, surely a relationship could be key to fixing that?

I'm happy with my work, becoming happy with my fitness, happy with my leisure time, I feel quite relaxed. Yet I still feel pretty crap at the end of the day because I've never had anyone to share that happiness with - that's a problem in and of itself I believe.

As for the comparison of the loneliness obtained after a broken relationship and the loneliness of never having one, I'm sticking to the latter being worse.

I've talked to a lot of people about breakups over the last few years and despite all the sadness at the time, ultimately they're glad they have good memories too and the benefit of experience.

When you're just lonely for years and don't have any knowledge of what that stuff is like, a relationship starts to feel like an impossible objective. Then you start getting bitter at people that have "what you want", which is not pleasant or healthy.

Furthermore, it's like the whole of society makes you acutely aware that you're inexperienced all the time. Every couple I see snogging, every movie with a love scene makes me just feel crappy now, like that stuff does not and will not exist for me.

It becomes like a psychological wall, until you feel like there's no point in trying, because 6 years of smiles and being the best person you can be has got you nowhere.

At least when you've had someone close, you know that it happened, you weren't imagining it (as with "flirting") and there must be some good in your person to have created those moments, however it turned out in the end.

Such an relationship validates one's self worth and outlook on life tremendously, which I think is infinitely preferable to that cold vacuum of nothingness and self-criticism for a length of time.

Anyway, I'm rambling, apologies. I guess I just wanted to clarify exactly why I think the way I do on this, I hope I'm not repeating myself.

 

[gnome3]

Alright. I suppose that if I was to really, really want to have a chance in finding someone, I would certainly have to plan around it. I would put myself in situations that would elevate the odds of speaking to women. I would find functions that women liked to frequent. Here's a good example:

**
And Happy Solstice everyone! Many celebrations & religious holidays are positioned around winter solstice, and for good reason, as it is a time of new beginning. Whatever your belief, I wish you happiness, and joy this day, and the days that follow throughout the new year.

 

[Valince]

I've changed my mind.

 

[Anten]

Point "1".
At least in my present environment, the girls don't want a "gentleman" or any of that stuff, they just seem to want someone who will provide a no-strings-attached fling. It's so rare to find a girl that wants what I want, I'd venture to say it's been 2 years since I've seen a girl interested in a deeper relationship.

Or maybe girls do want me, but I just don't understand how to respond? Which is worse, really. I'm losing track of the number of girls that seem to show interest then fall away when I don't even know what I want or what to do in response.

This is how I feel. Most girls aren't looking for love and just want to have some great sex stories. I remember talking to some chick at my job and we pretty much hit it off but I felt her slip away because I wasn't sexually aggressive in our open conversation. Later I found out my other co-worker friend slept with her but they decided it was just a one time thing because they weren't sexually incompatible. It is a vicious circle because you expect all girls to be like that and if you don't have sexual experience you won't get a girl and you don't have a girl because you don't have sexual experience. I know not every girl is like that but it is hard to weed them out and find them single.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

Point "1".
At least in my present environment, the girls don't want a "gentleman" or any of that stuff, they just seem to want someone who will provide a no-strings-attached fling. It's so rare to find a girl that wants what I want, I'd venture to say it's been 2 years since I've seen a girl interested in a deeper relationship.

Or maybe girls do want me, but I just don't understand how to respond? Which is worse, really. I'm losing track of the number of girls that seem to show interest then fall away when I don't even know what I want or what to do in response.

This is how I feel. Most girls aren't looking for love and just want to have some great sex stories. I remember talking to some chick at my job and we pretty much hit it off but I felt her slip away because I wasn't sexually aggressive in our open conversation. Later I found out my other co-worker friend slept with her but they decided it was just a one time thing because they weren't sexually incompatible. It is a vicious circle because you expect all girls to be like that and if you don't have sexual experience you won't get a girl and you don't have a girl because you don't have sexual experience. I know not every girl is like that but it is hard to weed them out and find them single.

Indeed. The irony is that men are portrayed so much in the media as being sex-crazed beasts (pretty unfair if you ask me) and that sort of stuck with me and I assumed there was a grain of truth to it.

Then I got to Uni and recently noticed that practically every girl in my class (there are three exceptions total, and it's because they're in relationships) is sleeping with a different guy every couple of days. It was quite a shock to me really, since otherwise their behaviour led me to believe they weren't promiscuous like that.

I just feel so out of place sometimes, like I'm from a different era. I've always seen myself as kind of a noble person. If anything, I've always felt it's my duty to "protect" women, be polite to them, be courteous.

I see women as equals of course, but at the same time as a man I feel obliged to be good towards them like that.

These girls don't want that though, they just want a guy that makes it cringe-inducingly obvious that he wants to jump in bed.

It's interesting you mention girls slipping due to your lack of sexual aggression, because I feel exactly the same.

I know full well, even as it happens, that I could just flirt outrageously and probably end up in bed with the girl, but I just think...what's the point in that? I'd feel cheap and abusive doing that.

Maybe I'm actually being chauvinistic by feeling that I must treat women particularly well? Sometimes the whole modern concept of feminism confuses me so much.

In my mind, something is wrong when you have to treat a girl like a sex object in order to actually get a relationship, or any sort of romantic attention. I can't really sum up the frustration in knowing that trying my hardest to be a decent and subtle guy is actually stopping me from doing well with girls!

I'll note in advance that I don't mean to offend any female posters here, I guess I just get a bit bitter at the rather ironic reversal of what feminism claims to do and what it currently actually seems to accomplish.

 

[PurpleDays]

Based on my observation, this is what's going on with most of the people who really hate being single. I'm going to skip the sex part, since that's obvious.

They don't like being single because they think that having a significant other is going to somehow magically change everything. They find it shocking when they discover that somebody can be in a relationship and still feel lonely.

People get this idea that it's "abnormal" to be single. If you read through posts on this site, tons of people ask if something is wrong with them. The thing about this is... there are 99.6 million unmarried people over age 18 in the U.S. Only half of the people who get married even reach their 15th anniversary.

Of course, you'll have people read this and say, "But at least they got married! I can't even get a boyfriend/girlfriend!" They would rather be in a relationship destined for failure than to be alone.

Sure, part of this is about humans being herd animals. We're engineered in a way that makes us generally want/need others. Humans tend to thrive better when we have contact with others.

A lot of it, though, is just a deficiency in self-image. People want to be wanted, needed, loved, even if they do not love (or even like) themselves. When we're in relationships, we are distracted from the things we don't like about ourselves. We get to be too busy to hear our own thoughts. On top of that, we've got somebody to tell us that our flaws are "okay" (and some of them really are). We've also got somebody with his/ her own flaws for us to focus on.

A lot of people will say they just want somebody to talk to and hold... but that's what friends are for. They'll say, "but it's different!" But really, that difference is more about sex than anything else.

I have closer relationships with friends than I had with X. A lot of people will say, "But that means you just had a bad relationship." Duh. As painfully obvious as that is, most of these people will knowingly throw themselves into similarly bad relationships just to avoid being alone! Which goes right back to the silly notion people get that being in a romantic relationship will magically solve everything.

One great way to make it easier to be alone is to turn yourself into somebody you like.

This post really helped me tonight, thank you.

 

[Arsenic Queen]

I've always been very comfortable with singleness or loneliness, but my last significant ex (2007-08) changed that. I guess he broke my wings or something. I don't have the same happy relationship with the void anymore. Now I tend to prefer to have someone to share thoughts/time/activities with.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Because it feels imposed on me. I feel like I'm being frozen out of what's supposed to be a fundamental life experience - one that I feel that a lot of people - some of which are very shitty people - seem to take for granted as something that "just happens", from the time they are teenagers, through the rest of their lives. They never seem to have to put any conscious thought into being attractive whatsoever, or strain, sacrifice, or do without. To them, it's as easy as liking someone, asking them out, they say yes, and it's done. They don't have to worry about saying or doing things correctly or being "good enough". It just works. They want, they get. Done.

It feels like I'm "not good enough" for it, but not in a way like, well, you're not good enough to make the team this year, but work hard running and lifting weights and doing drills in the offseason and you'll get there next year. It's more like, I'm inherently not good enough, like I'm fundamentally inferior. Like some people are winners and some people are losers, and I get to be a loser, and it's all about what you were born as - if you're a loser, no amount of hard work will make you a winner, because a loser is what you are at your core. Everything you do starts at the premise that you're one of the losers, and everything you think, say, and do is built out of loser material. You're not capable of having "winner" thoughts and saying "winner" things and having a "winner" attitude, and being perceived by others as a "winner". Like it was just my honeysuckle luck for it to turn out this way, I just didn't get good enough genes, or a good enough mind, couldn't be aggressive and reckless and "man enough", or couldn't be talented enough to make up for it. Like I was just chosen for this. And I hate it. It's like life itself is flipping me a huge middle finger.

It's another aspect of how I've always hated feeling limited and relegated and hated anyone that makes me feel that they are limiting or relegating me. That's always both made me feel powerless, and pissed me off. I always wish I could check people like that, hard. But I don't have the power.
I can't be content with a low place in life. I don't want to. fresia it. But to move up in the world, you need to have something special. Otherwise you're stuck.
Then again that's part of why it makes me so mad. I feel like a lot of these people that just get a partner with ease, aren't even that special or good at anything. They just know how to say and do the right things.

If I felt like it were my choice, and I could change it whenever I felt like it, I wouldn't mind as much. But I don't feel like it's my choice, so I mind it a lot. The power of (meaningful) choice has always been hugely important to me. I want to get free of this singledom, but I just don't know what I need to do to be good enough. All I know is, "being myself" hasn't worked.

I wonder what it's like to be with someone, and I really don't want to miss out - physically, mentally, and emotionally. But there's barely ever been any indication that it's at all possible for me. Most women react to me with cold dismissiveness or indifference. I've only had 3 times where women have ever expressed any kind of interest in me, but it's always been the wrong women and the interest itself was always questionable.

---

Then again maybe I'm stuck being single because I get in my own way, instead of sticking with something long enough to build myself up to someone who would be interesting and attractive to someone. And I get hung up on calling out hustlers/cheaters/bullshit artists/bad people who game the system or dumb-luck their way into getting good things, when it doesn't do anything to help me because it doesn't give me thought-provoking ideas and conversation material, and makes me sound negative/uncool/like an energy vampire and less cool and fun than I really could possibly be.

It would still be nice though, if I got my stupid luck for no reason other than because I exist, like they seem to.

I don't know. I think it's both at once.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Now I tend to prefer to have someone to share thoughts/time/activities with.

^ Also this. Yes, I could do this with family and friends, and that's good in its own way, but it's not the same thing.

 

[Finished]

I feel your pain. It surprises me when a person lashes out at society in a violent way and nobody seems to understand why. I'm not condoning those types of actions. But, many times I can see the pain in their lives when their history is revealed. Normal people think yeah, well, so what. They just can't comprehend what you are talking about. They haven't lived in those shoes.

So, a couple weeks ago, I saw the neighbor lady across the street watering her roses. We've never spoke but we've been neighbors for over a decade. We waive to each other sometimes. She's a little older then I am and about 30 pounds over weight. I'm not attract to her. 

However, I decided to just walk over there, while keeping my distance and say hi. We seemed to have a nice talk and I left. Now she avoids me. If she's outside she'll run back inside. If I see her I'll wave and she ignores me. But, she talks to the young neighbor couple on a regular basis. BTW, they also ignore me when I wave.

So, a normal person would ask, "What the hell did you say to her?" I told her that her yard looks great especially the roses, even though they aren't very impressive. I gave her several compliments and told her she was smart a few times. I did not say anything negative even when she said really stupid things.

I get treated like I'm a monster or something. Normal people just don't get it. Now, I don't look monster. I don't have massive scars or any markings on my body. Sometimes I think it would be more acceptable to be treated as such if I was horribly disfigured. Then it would make sense. Every once in awhile I go to the mirror expecting to see a scary horrible figure looking back at me. But, nope. It's just boring me. Every thing is neat, trimmed, and clean. Maybe there's a huge F U painted on my forehead that I can't see.

 

[priscella]

Don't feel bad Skafish I know that you are a wonderful person and you just have not found your own kind yet. Your smart and write well and express your feelings. I have felt the same way as you and I do believe that you have a inferiority complex through no fault of your own---I am the same way. Our kind of people always want to be helpful to other people because it makes us feel "worthwhile and nice". It is when we get neglected and feel not liked by the person we have went way out of our way to please and help and make happy. You need to find your own kind especially now when life is different from being younger and having a different set of rules to follow.  I do not know where you live but where I live medical marijuana is legal and they have such a thing as cbd oil that does not give one a high but its in a oil form where you take a few drops and put in tea or something and it helps to relax you especially at night time..If you wish to have a little high then get a different kind that might be proscribed by a doctor.   For this stuff you need a doctor's perscription and it needs to be legal in your area. I do believe it will help and I am waiting to delete myself from the forum but I had this moment in time to post this thread to you dear one..Best of luck and find people who you have something in common with and there are many people out there who are lonely and just like us...Best Wishes to you.....priscella...