One thing that I've noticed that's always hurt me in the relationship department, is that I realize that I'm not what a man is supposed to be.
Have you ever noticed that men are especially pushed into either working with math, technology, or tools?
All of that is seen as "man stuff".
It's taken me a while to realize that all of the stuff that's seen as "man stuff", is really "skills stuff". And I've never felt like a skills person. There's never been any skill that's ever seemed right for me, like a natural fit for me, like that's the kind of person I am. I HATE being unskilled, and the frustration, humiliation, powerlessness, and low status that are consequences of it. I DO NOT want to be that kind of person. But I feel like I have no natural strengths either. I feel like I'm not suited to anything. It's been the bane of my existence.
Those are things that men are expected to be good at, and interested in. And I'm just not.
I'm not particularly good at any of those things - in fact math was my weakest subject in school growing up.
I've also tried various things with tech and tools, and it's the same, I have no particular knack for them, like a man is supposed to have instinctively.
Plus I find all that practical stuff to be bone-dry, dense, and dull - I can't get into it, I'm not naturally curious for more knowledge about it, I don't have any natural excitement about it. I feel very "meh" about it instead - indifferent. I'm sure not being naturally good at it is at least partially the problem there, but I just don't have the natural interest/excitement that a lot of guys seem to have naturally, for that kind of stuff. Some guys just LOVE learning computer languages, or learning how to use heavy machinery. They're honestly curious and excited about it. And that's just not me.
But those are what is rewarded in this world (apart from pro sports and A-list entertainment). And not having them makes it hard to play the protector/provider male gender role, and to be impressive/interesting/exciting/entertaining - making it hard to be a man, basically. I've had a hard time being a man because I'm neither good at nor interested in the things that men are supposed to be good at and interested in. It not only hurts the way others see me, but my own confidence and self-esteem as well.
Chuando Tan is my cope....
