A Lonely Life: A Memoir

[armor4sleepPA]

but then I got a craving for SPAM, and felt I could not carry on with anything until I hit the supermarket and found a can of that delicious, processed meat product. Upon arriving at the store, however, I found that they were out of SPAM, and with a sudden burst of anger....

 

[Kristen]

I grabed this Bam Super Clean product
--"Yo, Moe , check this out .Its awsome it even says "Clean" on it . Its what I need cause I've been clean for 2 weeks now, right Moe?...:
--"Oh u never been cleaner..when u picked out those hot images for urself..!"
--"Yo,Moe,this hot new beverage....mmmmmm.smell it...mmm...clorax... I saw on TV last week...in this commercial was some ugly old grandma with a sponge scrubing her toilet...pouring my new beverage Clean Bam inside....I dont understand women anymore...she must have been high on something...waisting goodies like that,right Moe.?
--. "Hell, yea ,I never understood women either. If u ask me ,they were always high on something banging on my door yelling out some honeysuckle called alimonies or something!!!".
--"Moe, what that alimonies anyway?"
--"If u ask me, it gotta be some hot sh** cause all the women want it....."

---"Yo,Moe,before u give me that hot transformer makeover, u think we shoud go to club one last time?"
---"I aint gettin anywhere close to those stoned creatures...they want alimonies"
---"Moe, Moe, check this pub over here.."Bottoms Up".."
---------------------------------------
so we enter in this pub called "Bottoms Up"----

 

[evanescencefan91]

And everyone was walking on their hands upside down, so of cousre, everyone's bottom was quite indeed up, after spending a fair amount of time giggling in the corner, and catching sites of the waitress panties. For with their bottoms up, their skirts were ineitivbly down. One such hot bunned hottie, came up and asked if we were ready to be seated,

oh yes i am qite ready to be seated.. upon your bum

tehe.... oh God did I say that out loud?

 

[armor4sleepPA]

So yes, upon reflection, I did say that out loud, as evidenced by the fact that the waitress smacked me up side the head.

"How dare you ask sit on my bum, capitalist pig!" screamed the obviously baltic waitress.

"Er, I just thought it was a mighty inviting bum upon which to sit... if you like, I'll use protection?" I replied, pulling out saran wrap and lysol.

"Oh, darling, how you know my fetish for saran and lysol spray?" she bellowed, and no sooner did the words leave her lips, than she pulled me on top of her bum and began to spin me around while singing something that sounded like a cross between yankee doodle and hot cross buns, mixed with snoop dog.

It was an interesting experience... 3 rolls of saran wrap, with absolutely no physical or emotional satisfaction, later, I decided it was time to leave Olga behind... or Olga's behind... whichever you like, as both are accurate.

So, I put on my pink feathered coat, threw down a couple of bills to cover the mess we made (by spilling ketchup during our dance.... what are you thinking, sicko?!?), and headed to....

 

[evanescencefan91]

well where were we headed to origainlly aftter being distracted numerous times, by gin alcohla drugs and porn. of course due to all the brain tramua from the drugs, binge drinking and the ptsd form the very disturbing porn episodes i could not for the life of me remember, Luckily my fine compain Jimney kept a dairy in which to cronicle our random and completly un realistic adventures, alas california, where autumns sweet they call it fall, a young tucker girl in a push up bra,

Flipping through the pages I stumbled upon the wanted picture of the sad high drunk looking man, that with a shocking realization I reconized as olga. *gasp* How could I have succumed to such a vulgar fate, of a tranvetite waitress porn crimnial
With a loud shriek I ran off to the hospital for a HIV test, then to boil my private areas and back to the hospital to treat my extremely painful but now sanatized burn areas.

After ding dong ditching the docters bill I phoned America most wanted and told them that the sad high drunk looking man code name olga, would be at the olive garden at 8 for the date we planned in which I planned to ditch.

 

[Qui]

After ditching the hospital and my medical bills I was walking along the side of the road with Moe back to his place for my makeover when I slipped on an iced puddle and fell down into the creek on the side of the road. It wasn't frozen, but it was so f*ing cold... Moe was too stoned to notice, so I guess he left me there. I climbed out, all popsicley and wondering where the sudden cold snap had come from, and hurried down to the nearest house hoping someone would let me in to dry off. A silly looking little old man answered the door and led me in, I ended up in sweat pants that only reached halfway down my calves sitting in front of a fireplace listening to the little old man and his wife argue in yiddish. I had no idea what they were arguing about, but it turns out that the wife grew up on a sheep farm and still had some shears. She gimped up behind me and started hacking at my hair. I was like, wtf, but then all of a sudden it was gone, the afro remains and the mess moe had made, I had a nice even buzz cut and they even gave me a toasty pair of loafers to keep my feet warm. Of course by then the cold snap had gone and my clothes were dry, so I put them back on and was on my way. I walked off down the street, determined to steer clear of Moe, porn, drugs and alcohol until I'd made it to California. However, I hadn't yet truly considered how I'd get there without any means of transportation. I decided, reluctantly, to join a traveling circus, where I....

 

[evanescencefan91]

suddenly remembered that terrible mockery i suffered the last time i atempted at this. I sowre i would never let myself get hurt again, at least emotinally. it took a a lot of patence guts and bleeding, but the creepy pal looking dude i met on the 1st day. A very nice fellow his name was lando he grew up in switzerland where he tended to flock, and lived a quite nice life until the sheep plotted against him in atempts to kill him in his sleep, use his hair for clothing and flesh for food. Fortunatly for him the villages loca sage discovered of this devious scheme and was able to warn lando in time. and ever since them he has been traveling around the world so that the sheep can not find him.

He taught me sword swallowing, and i was doing quite well fo a while until one drunkenly afternoon show I foolishly put the sword at a bad angle, and my stomach was sanguinaryly sliced open from the inside

.. someone a little help please...

 

[Hijacc]

suddenly remembered that terrible mockery i suffered the last time i atempted at this. I sowre i would never let myself get hurt again, at least emotinally. it took a a lot of patence guts and bleeding, but the creepy pal looking dude i met on the 1st day. A very nice fellow his name was lando he grew up in switzerland where he tended to flock, and lived a quite nice life until the sheep plotted against him in atempts to kill him in his sleep, use his hair for clothing and flesh for food. Fortunatly for him the villages loca sage discovered of this devious scheme and was able to warn lando in time. and ever since them he has been traveling around the world so that the sheep can not find him.

He taught me sword swallowing, and i was doing quite well fo a while until one drunkenly afternoon show I foolishly put the sword at a bad angle, and my stomach was sanguinaryly sliced open from the inside

.. someone a little help please... [/qoute]
I am slightly disturbed lol

 

[armor4sleepPA]

But alas, everyone thought it was part of the act... inside I was screaming, begging for someone to care... but as I'd lost too much blood and was all but dead.... it was no use. I gazed up at the top of the tent, it began to spin slowly, and I felt myself rising out of my body.... I was dead. And no one cared.

<stirring on the couch> "and that's my dream", I said, looking at the doctor.

"Very disturbing indeed... and why do you think you died in the tent that night?", he replied, taking notice of my uncertainty.

"I'm not sure... I don't even know why I'm here. I mean, a while ago I thought I was just going out to 7-11 to buy a slurpee.... and now here I am, on your couch, telling you the story of my slow coming mental breakdown"

"Well, at least you have come to grips that this was all a fantasy.... in realty, you're the president of the United States... with less than a year left to piss off the rest of the world"

"I am? Well hot ****... I bet that Osama Bin Laden did this to me... I've gotta hunt him down and smoke him out... call up my posse..."

With that, George lept from the couch and began looking for his cowboy boots.... only to stumble and knock his head into the wall.....

Suddenly, a crowd began to gather....

"Oprah, Oprah! Are you alright? We just cut for a commercial and you passed out!!!"

"Oh dear.. I... had the most akward dream that I was bush.... having dreamt that I was something else altogether... I don't understand....."

And then the beavers came...

 

[iwasaloverb4thiswar]

"....we w-we need Dr. Phil, he is the only one who can save us now..." whimpered Oprah.

a loud "BOOM-CRASH" was heard as Dr. Phil, man-of-steel and psychoanalyst extrordinaire, broke down studio door B and rushed to Oprah and the audiences rescue. "Absoluuuutely, Oprah, my little chocolate easter bunny..." "PHILBERT, not now, not NOW, the cameras are rolling!"
"ahem..right, right, well what do we have here?" Dr. Phil recovered from his slip and eyed the growing gang of beavers. He had seen worse cases, but that didn't mean this bunch would be easy. Noting their defensive posturing and the overpowering cloud of musk the beavers had been releasing in thier agitation, he concluded that the only way to talk the mammals down from thier mounting attack was to serve them up a big ol' plate of back home Texan straight talk. He suspected that some deep-seated insecurities over underdeveloped tooth size was what was driving what seemed to be the ring-leader of this furry family.

"Well, now just lets everybody stay calm...I am going to attempt to approach this situation calmly and logically, you see folks, its when people act out of fear that things like this tend to get out of hhh...ARGLRAAAAHHAHAHAHAAAA!!!"

In Dr. Phils moment of ego-stroking, a small male adolescent beaver, eager to prove his viability to the packs dwindling females, had made a preemptive strike. Completely by-passing the shins and calves, traditionally a beaver's initial target, the semi-aquatic rodent made a direct leap at Dr. Phil's...

 

[evanescencefan91]

shiny bald head..."no! the secret to all my powers, my shiny baldness" blood everywhere it was upmost Turmoil. And after a few minutes that felt like hoursof the gruesome nawing and hacking at bone. The legendary Dr. Phil was no more. the audiance was in shock.

Slowly the beaver began to transform. The high sad drunk looking man was an animagus!

" you didn't think you could loose me by simply posing as the great oprah winfrey, did you? Olga spoke with a cruel high pitched cackle.

"i tought i might, security guards come!"

And with that i then disapeared into thin..

 

[MiKeY]

aww... this story had to end? It was so much fun! We should start another!!!