Do you wish women would approach you first?

[roy1986]

Actually my one and only true love was the one setting up the pace when we met, she approached me first
and was really pushing us to be together, even when I was a bit confused.
I loved her more than I loved any other woman in my life and I made the first step with most of them.

 

[Meaw]

Maybe if the sexes stopped making assumptions and stereotyping each other, we wouldn't have a thread like this one.
Just sayin...

Well, one more for this. I hear people say "Don't play games!" though I have close to no clue what that means. There's only the "I don't think this one wants to speak to me" from not getting responses, and the "Maybe this one does want to speak to me" from getting responses.
I don't care who approaches who, but I'd like people to either answer because they'd like to or simply say they're too busy for an unknown time.

 

[ardour]

I approach men as in going up to talk to them, but I don't try to pursue them as a romantic option because I know that they will never value me as much as they would if they had done the pursuing. Every instance of me doing those things has failed miserably. :/

So at what point do you think it should become more equal, a year? Marriage?  What if something serious were to happen, an accident, death in his family etc  - would you call then, or would that be giving away too much power?

If someone never called first or made a point of not showing much enthusiasm, then after a while I would just stop bothering.

 

[DarkSelene]

So at what point do you think it should become more equal, a year? Marriage?  What if something serious were to happen, an accident, death in his family etc  - would you call then, or would that be giving away too much power?

If someone never called first or made a point of not showing much enthusiasm, then after a while I would just stop bothering.

I don't think it's wrong to assume that males do enjoy the whole "I'm in control of the situation" thing by being the first ones to take a step towards making things clearer for both - being the one who proposes, for instance, although I know it's a cultural thing I think males do feel a little responsible when it comes to those situations.
If there's interest in both parts, it'll be enjoyable to talk and develop a deeper relationship, if she's starting conversations and showing that she's interested in being close, isn't that enough for someone to know she wants them around and that she cares?

I'm not trying to answer for wallflower or anything, just find the whole power thing a bit funny. Not everything needs to come to that, sometimes people just want to enjoy the other's company.

 

[wallflower79]

So at what point do you think it should become more equal, a year? Marriage?  What if something serious were to happen, an accident, death in his family etc  - would you call then, or would that be giving away too much power?

If someone never called first or made a point of not showing much enthusiasm, then after a while I would just stop bothering.

It's not like I never call, text, or message first, I just don't ask guys on dates anymore because they have always told me they won't interested. I don't try to contact them over and over again when they aren't really responding like they are interested or trying to talk. I think that you are misunderstanding what I mean by pursuing guys. Just a few weeks ago, I asked two different guy friends I had if they wanted to meet up and catch up, and I met up with both and have also initiated texts since then. But I'm not going to act like I'm interested romantically in them if they are not showing interest in me. I also stop bothering if people don't show interest back in me.

 

[bleed_the_freak]

Ah, who cares less? Who desires more? Lol, the games of attraction.

Those are mating games.

Not love.

 

[ardour]

"I don't think it's wrong to assume that males do enjoy the whole "I'm in control of the situation" thing by being the first ones to take a step towards making things clearer for both - being the one who proposes, for instance, although I know it's a cultural thing I think males do feel a little responsible when it comes to those situations"

There's no ambiguity about how each party feels in those situations.

"If there's interest in both parts, it'll be enjoyable to talk and develop a deeper relationship, if she's starting conversations and showing that she's interested in being close, isn't that enough for someone to know she wants them around and that she cares?"

Not ever initiating suggests something different though.  The 'pursuer' is forced to second guess everything, and even contemplate a worse-case-scenario where they could be borderline harassing someone who might not be that keen. Not at all fun.  

There might be other reasons but I'm inclined to believe it's more to do with the perception of control; control through taking the role of the one who cares least.

wallflowergirl said she sends messages, so this is more of a general perspective.

 

[DarkSelene]

If someone doesn't show any interest in talking or ever initiates contact... why would you keep pursuing?

 

[ardour]

You wouldn't, but you were referring to a scenario where one person acts interested while with somebody, but never initiates any contact via message, arranging dates, etc.

 

[DarkSelene]

Would you count how many times they did it? hahaha Does it truly matters who says hi first? Pretty sure you misunderstood my first post, maybe I misunderstood yours too, I mentioned the female initiating contact...
Regarding your first example: Empathy is a beautiful characteristic, I can't think of anything more powerful than showing care. It's also very easy to spot the genuine ones.

It's a game, ardour, but you're the one that chooses if you wanna play or not.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Would it be nice? Sort of. But if I'm still not being approached by the right women, it doesn't matter.

 

[Xpendable]

With age, the demands become greater. I still remember being approached as a teen; when girls didn't expect anything from you, just being nice and decent looking. Now at 30, when you don't look like you have all figured out and have a steady place in society, they will be very reluctant to consider you as a potential partner. A steady job, a normal social life, domestic skills, a charming personality, ambition, etc. At the end, you are an investment, no one is going to invest in something it won't pay off.

 

[NewOrder2016]

I think, if they only ugly women would have approached me. So I dont know.

 

[PorscheGuy]

I've only had a handful of relationships in my life, but I pretty much depended on the girl approaching me first, and for nearly all of them, that was the case. The problem is, by doing this, I didn't end up going on my first date until I was 23. I feel now that if I had approached girls first, I would have had more relationships and therefore more experience (dating, sexual, dealing with women, etc.) and I would be better adjusted to life now in my mid-30's, and I'd be a more socially well-rounded person. I'm married now, but my lack of past experience still affects me, and it greatly negatively affected me in all my past (few) relationships, and was basically the cause of the break-up in all of them. I'm lucky that my wife is as understanding as she is. So my advice is, don't wait for a girl to approach you first - you will regret it later in life.

 

[sbm1990]

The funny thing, most of my ex's made the first move on me, what makes it even more funny, is that practically every single one of my ex's were either promiscuious, or just plain psycho. Truth is, most "normal" women expect you to make the first move on them. The problem with that is that if you were to make the first move constantly, you never know when you'll hit on the wrong girl that will flip out on you and falsely accuse you of sexual harrassment, which I'm personally paranoid about, considering that everybody automatically believes the woman, even if she's blantatly lying. I've heard of cases where a man would just casually ask a girl out on a date, and the girl would flip out and accuse him of "sexually harrassing" her, and basically ruined his life and reputation. So, most of the time, I don't even bother making the first move, simply because of that fear of being falsely accused of something I didn't do. Hell, I don't even bother with dating anymore period, and probably won't until this third-wave feminism bubble eventually bursts.

 

[bleed_the_freak]

^ That's the goal. Destabilize normal relations. Then breed you out of existence with poor stupid worker ants. Seems to be working in many advanced societies.

 

[DanMann]

So what guys on here secretly wish or expect(or not so secretly)that some ravishing beauty will spot you out of nowhere and just be dying to meet you and ask you out on a date.

What if she wasn't a "ravishing beauty?" Would you still want her to approach you? Just curious....

You could do an indirect approach and bring fun with you.

That would prevent that feeling of chasing or the courtship process.

 

[ardour]

The funny thing, most of my ex's made the first move on me, what makes it even more funny, is that practically every single one of my ex's were either promiscuious, or just plain psycho. Truth is, most "normal" women expect you to make the first move on them. The problem with that is that if you were to make the first move constantly, you never know when you'll hit on the wrong girl that will flip out on you and falsely accuse you of sexual harrassment, which I'm personally paranoid about, considering that everybody automatically believes the woman, even if she's blantatly lying. I've heard of cases where a man would just casually ask a girl out on a date, and the girl would flip out and accuse him of "sexually harrassing" her, and basically ruined his life and reputation. So, most of the time, I don't even bother making the first move, simply because of that fear of being falsely accused of something I didn't do. Hell, I don't even bother with dating anymore period, and probably won't until this third-wave feminism bubble eventually bursts.

A lot of risk involved.  If you aren't pushy, back off and not trouble her again, there's still a likelihood of certain things  being said about you, because apparently "having an ulterior motive"  or causing women to be mildly uncomfortable for a few moments by asking them out = "harm".  If it's a friend then you'll likely lose that friendship since things will get awkward.. Yet after all this  we're still expected to approach 100% of the time.

 

[jonas9714]

same boat as PorscheGuy
I cant take any cues so I need it spelled out. This is despite whistles, beeps, a 'yowzer' in passing and on reflection obvious subtle moves.
Despite it being unrealistic, its still all I do is hope I look good enough to some of them that they will approach, clearly.
Amongst a litany of incidents I was only asked out once, by a girl that was too young.
Its madenning and wasteful that almost all would have gotten my number at least if they'd just asked, all would have at least platonically have gotten further.

I can say its very unlikely that a guy would do anything but reject politely at worst a girl who approached him, which doesn't at all feel like it works the other way around.
What a bunch of dynamics we've created.

 

[user 139760]

Considering recent developments and current state of mind, I doubt women will approach me much anymore, or stick around.
Can't say it bothers me that much either.