Lonesome, isolated, used to be bullied

[Anhedoni]

I guess there are million of threads like this, but I need to vent some of my thoughts. I was bullied at school, for nine years. Now, 14 years later, I feel like I still wear the mark of the pariah. I guess there is some truth in the saying that bullies eventually move into your head, and you get so used to the role of the bullied that you always play it during new social gettogethers. And people can tell if you are one of the rejected ones ... They really can. And everything repeats itself.

My story is the usual: i can't make friends, people constantly talk about me behind my back (egocentric world view, right), I'm afraid of people, and everything I say is greeted with awkward silences.

Anybody share my experiences?

 

[VeganAtheist]

Sorry that you were bullied. I wish more was done about bullying in school.

I was only very slightly bullied so I cannot speak to that exact experience but I do feel similar to you. I haven't been able to make friends either. I often feel like people talk about me behind my back but I convinced myself that I am just being paranoid. In some ways, I am afraid of people.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I guess there is some truth in the saying that bullies eventually move into your head, and you get so used to the role of the bullied that you always play it during new social gettogethers. And people can tell if you are one of the rejected ones ... They really can. And everything repeats itself.

If the bullies have moved into your head, throw their ass out to the curb. You create your thoughts, you create your story. And if this story isn't making you happy, you need to tell yourself a new story. Everything repeats itself because you keep repeating your story to yourself. Instead of telling yourself that who you are is "a person that was bullied years ago" tell yourself instead that you're an awesome person full of great ideas. You're a fun person that people would be lucky to be friends with. You have value and you know it. That's all you can do, and in fact, it's the only thing you need to do. You need to convince yourself that you are not someone who gets bullied. Just tell yourself you're something else.

I may be oversimplifying things, but I have suffered from bullying, loneliness, and self-doubt myself at various points in my life. I have asked various people over the years what to do about it, and more or less, everyone has said the same thing - change your story. Let the past go. If there are no lasting physical consequences, then it isn't real anymore. If you don't want to keep being a person who was bullied, then be someone new.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I'd say Ska said it pretty much but I know it may not be as easy as it can be said. The key is that you want the bullies to behind in your past and you want to move on, and when you have this in your focus and in your mind, you set yourself and be determined to do what it takes to put them in your past - and whatever step or action you take to do this, you must be ready and headstrong to fight all past it because it's gonna toy with your mind, it's gonna disturb you and it's gonna make you feel vulnerable again thinking about them and letting you feel again the hurt and pain.

I don't know if what I am saying makes any sense, but I figured if I was heavily bullied, just thinking about them would be hurtful enough. And I always realise that to get past a problem, you have to get through it. Means you have to let yourself face it again in your head and take it on and put it out. I don't think there's any short cut method to overcoming psychological damage that the bullies have caused you.

I guess it might be kinda similar to abuse? I have had my fair share of this previously and this is how I overcame it. I faced my pain, embraced it and tell myself it's okay, it wasn't my fault, that it happened for a reason and that I need to find things I can learn from it to be a better and a stronger person because for someone who have gone through that kinda honeysuckle, means that we would know better how to avoid it the next time. Take the good with you, use it to strengthen your soul and willpower to move on. It worked for me, but it took quite some time so you have to also be patient with yourself, and give yourself a break and some credit for still standing strong after all that.

Hope some of what I've said helps if not, I'm sorry, but I do wish you all the best in overcoming your situation and hope that it works out well for you. Take care, Anhedoni. *hugs*

 

[Rosebolt]

I can relate to waht you're saying. I've been bullied for about 16 years. Four years later now, i've rooted out alot of the stuff that was rooted in my mind, but there are alot of subtle traits that i don't notice so easily that really stem from that. It's a pain in the ass to get rid of those.

I hope you succeed in getting rid of those nasty thoughts in your mind!

 

[johnny196775]

I wish i had a magic button to press and make people feel better with.

 

[Tiina63]

I have been bullied in several environments and think that it can be very, very hard to change things. Bullies have the knack of working out who is vulnerable and homing in on them. Often people who are bullied are either different in some way, or are isolated and lacking in confidence and have noone to back them up, so make perfect targets. I have met people who have told me that they were once in a situation where a bully started 'sizing them up' as potential targets, but that they were able to stop them in their tracks. I don't know how they did this as it is something I have not been able to do. Maybe you could see if you could get some help in developing your social skills so that you can make connections in new places and hopefully then avoid being seen as isolated? With people in your corner, you will not be as easy a target.

 

[Surcruxum]

I was bullied for 8 years. It's about not being a potential target for them. For me, when I was in high school, I try to Be confident and keep speaking in a firm tone or hide in the library. Bullies never check on the library I admit I was a coward in high school but not anymore. The important thing is when someone makes fun of you for no reason, something is wrong and try to break free of that situation, cause it has made you a target.

 

[lonelyfairy]

I'm so sorry to hear about the bullying. :/

It happened to me too, for about 10 years! From the age of 5 to age of 15. Even the little children can bully... They bullied about everything. Everything was wrong about me. I should have been disappearing into thin air and stop being me. I can't change my nose, hair, neck or the way I am. I am me. End of the story. So I was bullied for being me? I can't be anyone else. Bullies can bully about every single little detail for no reason. I used to be in role of victim. But there's still that hurting broken little 6 years old girl inside me. It doesn't go away. When I walk in the city, even the person who somehow reminds one of the bullies, can make me cry. Those wounds turned to scars. And even if I would get better self-esteem, those scars will last forever.

 

[Lowlander]

I wasn't really bullied but I always felt left out in school, as if I was constantly on the sidelines. Sometimes, that is not such a bad thing, but it led to loneliness, for me. I'm sorry you were bullied. I find that, in the end, it does make you stronger in some ways.

 

[mónos]

Anhedoni,

I was not bullied a whole lot in school; my childhood pain comes from home. But, the rejection I felt at home I also felt in school and I felt it all my adult life to today. I believe that the way we talk and carry ourselves reveals our basic confidence around others, who then decide we are approachable or unapproachable, if we are among the accepted or the rejected. I do believe this begins in childhood, most often from how we handle ourselves around our peers in school.

All I can say is we need to change how we see ourselves before we can expect others to see us differently. Exactly how we are to do that is the subject of many threads here.

 

[Surcruxum]

I find that, in the end, it does make you stronger in some ways.

Bullying changed my personality. I was someone who's desire is to make friends with everyone. I liked talking to people and hanging around with them. I was afraid to hurt them. I judged people based on feelings. I was an open book to everyone. I had lots of friends. I cared about others more than myself.

But now, my desire is to become so strong (emotionally) that no one will ever look down on me again. Emotions make you vulnerable. No one wants to be vulnerable. I don't like people. I want them to stay away from me and leave me alone. Now I couldn't give a **** about people other than myself. I have few friends just because I put on a mask in public. It's hard for me to trust people again after I was betrayed twice. I can be emotionally unavailable.

It's funny that bullying can corrupt one person's very being. I admit that without being bullied I have no intention of becoming stronger. So I'm actually thankful for them for making me this way.

However, I know that my attitude is a problem. I want to change myself to be a better person. But I don't want to go back to who I was before. I hated him. Never again. That path only leads to pain, sadness, and loneliness. I want to resurface my old self, but not entirely, like the best of both worlds, you know?

Just try to not end up like me.

 

[Anhedoni]

Thank you everyone for your quick responses. You've given me a lot to think about. Especially the advice about shaping the way you think about yourself is something I will try to use. Like Gandhi meant in his teachings: No one can decide for you how you're supposed to feel.

It's hard, of course. Especially since friends is such a rare thing, and I would love to have some true ones.

Have you all managed to change your attitude?

However: This approach also invites the notion that it's your own fault that you feel bad. Which it isn't. It isn't my fault that they did what they did, and I should be able to feel rage.

---

I find that, in the end, it does make you stronger in some ways.

Bullying changed my personality. I was someone who's desire is to make friends with everyone. I liked talking to people and hanging around with them. I was afraid to hurt them. I judged people based on feelings. I was an open book to everyone. I had lots of friends. I cared about others more than myself.

But now, my desire is to become so strong (emotionally) that no one will ever look down on me again. Emotions make you vulnerable. No one wants to be vulnerable. I don't like people. I want them to stay away from me and leave me alone. Now I couldn't give a **** about people other than myself. I have few friends just because I put on a mask in public. It's hard for me to trust people again after I was betrayed twice. I can be emotionally unavailable.

It's funny that bullying can corrupt one person's very being. I admit that without being bullied I have no intention of becoming stronger. So I'm actually thankful for them for making me this way.

However, I know that my attitude is a problem. I want to change myself to be a better person. But I don't want to go back to who I was before. I hated him. Never again. That path only leads to pain, sadness, and loneliness. I want to resurface my old self, but not entirely, like the best of both worlds, you know?

Just try to not end up like me.

It certainly sounds like a hard life to live. But I understand you. I, too, wish that I could turn off my feelings. Actually I use medication to achieve that. But - it doesn't work great.

 

[betrayedforlife]

I totally hear you . I was bullied since I started school,right up until high school.

Then some had the nerve to try it in the workplace.

All because I was brought up well and to be considerate,gentle and kind to others.So little have been kind to me.

I'll detail my immense and traumatic bullying in another thread and you won't believe what you read,please don;t think I'm a drama queen or a liar though.... most do.