looking out for yourself

[misa]

i have recently realized that i must be much more sensitive to my own needs and feelings. I realize that no one else has given a **** about what i wanted to do or been supportive or helpful. even when i wanted things that had no no negative effect on others or was in no way the business of other people, people have interfered. so to make a long story short after being bullied and ignored and screwed over often simultaneously, you develop a really thick skin to your own needs and feelings.

i think that is why i no longer have direction and i am alone and people perceive me as unhappy.

there are consequences i think to what people do to you, especially if its cruel. for example, people talk a lot about the consequences of abuse. but there are consequences to being damaged in tons of ways and it can really change your life and turn it into something that you don't want it to be.

Actually being sensitive to yourself is really hard though. I barely know where to begin. i thought maybe you guys could give some suggestions...

thanks.

 

[LGH1288]

Hi misa -- It's great you've identified this issue and understand how you'll be able to eliminate your discontent. Like you I sometimes suffer from disappointment thinking others have prevented or interfered with my happiness, but in the end it's always up to each of us to have the last word in our own emotional rescue. LG

 

[queenwindbaby]

Misa it's good that you came to this realization about yourself-that's your survival kicking in. If you don't put yourself as number one no one else is going to either. And it's a darn shame it had to come to this in the first place. You are on the right track Misa of self perseveration . This will make for a much stronger individual as you appear already. My opinion of hurtful ppl is : fresia Em......

 

[SchemeDreamer]

Hi Misa,

I can relate to a lot of what you say.

Unfortunately I don't think my advice would be very good. I've become very bitter and pessimistic after so many people and things have gone wrong for me. I'm now in a situation where I would rather shut myself away and not bother, for fear of the same things happening all over again.

When you talk about how people can be damaged through different ways, other than abuse it got me thinking. That when people are selfish, lie or manipulate it can be very damaging. Unfortunately being an unpleasant person isn't a crime and these "social crimes" go unpunished. While people like myself are left with deep emotional scars(I hope I didn't just get too deep there.)

Anyway. I agree that when you've been treated badly by friends/partners/work/family you do need to grow thicker skin. But even that can be difficult. And if you can't do that I guess you end up where I am now. Emotional and over-sensitive.

 

[misa]

Unfortunately I don't think my advice would be very good. I've become very bitter and pessimistic after so many people and things have gone wrong for me. I'm now in a situation where I would rather shut myself away and not bother, for fear of the same things happening all over again

i know how you mean. after i broke up with an x i was very fragile. But i was really over him and wanted to live so i put myself out there and around people just for the sake of being around them. i like them and was genuinely happy to be around them and they knew it, but instead of appreciating it they kicked me around and treated me bad. and its happened again and again and again. how wrong is that and how stupid? if someone likes you and is not doing anything wrong and is just happy to see you, why would you knock them down? that's like kicking an adorable puppy when it wags its tail at you. they're the idiots for being such creeps that they would do that. it really is their loss.

(( ok... i say this with caution because i do believe its wrong to be an ******* to someone who's only crime is liking you. but on the other hand, its not like you are required to mutually like them back. but you don't have to be a jerk about it. ))

maybe in a way its better for you to not stick your neck out because someone will just try to cut your throat. especially if you are in a fragile place, but without a doubt i know that if you are hurt and don't want to be alone, that is when you are most needy and that's when you are urt.

even though i hate my job because i have to deal with dicks on a daily basis, i actually like it because those dicks can't do anything to me. i don't care about any of them. it actually showcases how nasty and stupid people are just for the purpose of being nasty and stupid. i can barely remember a single one of them...

Anyway. I agree that when you've been treated badly by friends/partners/work/family you do need to grow thicker skin. But even that can be difficult. And if you can't do that I guess you end up where I am now. Emotional and over-sensitive.

actually what i mean is that you do grow a thicker skin, but not to them. to you and what you really want and need. you block out sensitive things and pain and your old idealistic beliefs because you refuse to let yourself believe you could be naive or sensitive and by doing this you solve nothing and are just raw and hurting, and you become even more emotional and over-sensitive without understanding why...

 

[AncientBard]

I've always had a tough time on where to draw the line between taking care of ones self and narcissism. I'm not very good at it.

 

[Naleena]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Misa))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[jay.cee]

Hi misa,

I hope this reply, though two weeks after your post (I just joined), will still make it to you. I think I've been in such a place as you describe and your post really touched me.

After one particularly upsetting betrayal, it all came to a head. I hadn't noticed really, but being berated and/or betrayed by people I trusted went deep after it happened again and again. I slowly became angry and resentful, with memories surfacing over and over. First the most recent betrayals, lies and hurts; then those memories would trigger older ones. In moments I would be reliving stuff from years and years before. And all this chipped away from the inside. Each new hurt compounded and brought to the surface the previous ones.

Slowly, without even noticing it much, I had compromised my own values, what I had once considered important deep down, or worth living for. I had stopped being caring little by little, for myself or others. I no longer noticed the old lady struggling with the groceries on a cold night; I silently walked right past the kid who'd just fallen off his bike. Little things like that at first, then larger.

I spiraled down for a while, and in that state and it seemed so very plain and obvious that no one much cared about anyone. Frankly, I probably wouldn't have noticed anyone who did care unless they were very blatant about it. It seemed that mostly the superficial and hypocritical people had "friends" and "support", such as it was. This always struck me as very ironic, and I spiraled deeper into despair. I considered being like the cold, heartless, gutless people I hated, if only to better defend myself for "next time".

But after a while, I realised that I'd let other people control me. Their cruelty/insensitivity (and in some cases just cowardice in their unwillingness to speak up about what was true and what was not) drove me into a place where I was becoming insensitive to myself and to anyone who might care about me, and I was rapidly losing my ability to care for and trust anyone. Wallowing between anger and self-pity, I had gone a long way to becoming virtually identical to the cruel family and friends I cursed in my thoughts. That realisation, that simple thought, began to burn in me. NO, I decided one day, I would NOT let them whose actions had already caused so much pain take that last thing from me. I started to try to observe myself, and to remember the person I was before all the hurt, the person who cared, who trusted, who helped, who was light-hearted. The person who laughed at hypocrisy (in myself and others) and pointed it out with a gentle smile, rather than keeping silent with clenched fists and gnashing teeth.

It took a persistence, it wasn't easy. Yet promising myself each day that I would reclaim the person I was before the hurts started piling up kept me going. Eventually I was that person again, though different. Not as naive, not as needing to be considered good, more attentive to my own boundaries as well as others. So that now I say I lost nothing, and gained a sensitivity that I could not have gotten otherwise. I truly wish you the same and more!

 

[Sun Dreamer]

I feel for you I really do. Some of us get Tested more than others. You are having a bad patch and now you have to hold on. You describe you're feelings well which means you possess a good heart and that is more worthy than anything else on this planet. Don't forget to smile every now and then. It cannot cure but it helps.